What can I do? - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-23-2007, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just found out than a friend of mine (an online friend, but a dear one nonetheless) lost her three year old daughter in a car accident on Saturday. I'm in Canada, she's in the States -- too far away for me to hold her in my arms and cry with her.

I feel so helpless, so lost and so very, very angry... why did this have to happen?

I don't know what to do, but want to do something -- surely there must be some way I can help...
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Old 10-23-2007, 01:22 PM
 
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what about sending her a fruit basket or something? you can order most of the time over the phone. if not, you could post in FYT and see if someone would be willing to go pick one up and drop it off at her house.
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Old 10-24-2007, 12:20 AM
 
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I am so sorry Mama...

Remember her daughters birthday & the day she died... Call her on those days or send a note & tell you you'll never forget her...

Just love her...
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Old 10-24-2007, 10:38 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mommyswenn View Post
I just found out than a friend of mine (an online friend, but a dear one nonetheless) lost her three year old daughter in a car accident on Saturday. I'm in Canada, she's in the States -- too far away for me to hold her in my arms and cry with her.

I feel so helpless, so lost and so very, very angry... why did this have to happen?

I don't know what to do, but want to do something -- surely there must be some way I can help...
I was just coming here to ask the same question. I feel so helpless and so sad. Anything I think to do seems inadequate.

Mom to DD#1 8/04, nursed 43 months, DD#2 8/06, nursed 21 months and DD#3 9/08, still nursing strong
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Old 10-24-2007, 11:24 AM
 
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I lost my son James a month ago. For me, what's been really helpful are the people who've offered emotional support. My best friend calls every day. Some people, who initially sent cards, are still emailing or calling every couple of weeks to see how I'm doing. That means a lot, because a few weeks after it happens support really starts to dwindle.

For now I would send a card, or send supportive emails. A donation made in her child's name would be great....I feel like James' death is accomplishing some good when I see how much we've gathered for the Tuberous Sclerosis Alliance. Then, switch your focus to long term. Put the date of her child's birth and the date of her death on your long-term calendar. Send cards for her death that first couple of years, but put more focus on her birthday. Celebrate her life, even after she's gone. Also, this one month anniversary HURTS...a lot. I'd aim to do something special for that day....flowers, or a fruit basket, or something that lets your friend know that she's still in your thoughts.

I'm sorry for your friend's loss. You're very kind to be thinking of something you can do to help her.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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Old 10-24-2007, 03:42 PM
 
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Grieving families don't have the energy to clean the house, do laundry, or get their lawn maintained. If there is a service that you can hook them up with for a few weeks (or even a month) that would help. Paper goods (napkins, paper towels, paper plates, plastic cutlery, Kleenex) is also great.
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Old 10-24-2007, 05:12 PM
 
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One more thing...

If she's someone you talk with on the phone, or online, don't go into conversations with her with any expectations of how she'll feel. People I talk to less regularly (as compared to my closest friends) seem to expect that I'll be sad when we talk. I actually feel pressured sometimes to act or talk as if I'm more sad than I am.

Some days I'm doing well. Some parts of days I feel normal. Happy. Sometimes I just want to talk about goofy things and not talk about James or feeling sad at all. Other days I want to feel numb, or sad, or whatever, and it's good to talk about James. I want to be myself, because the pressure to be sad gets translated (in my emotions/brain) into a form of guilt for not feeling bad enough. When friends call and feel comfortable enough to chat about the everyday, or their own lives, then I feel more comfortable too. I'm glad to be asked "how are you today?," but not if it carries with it the expectation that the conversation is going to head somewhere sad.

Hope that makes sense.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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(((RedOakMomma)))

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. Thank you so much for sharing.

They are establishing a memorial garden for her daughter. We have arranged to have a magnolia bush added to it. We're also putting together care packages for her and her son.

I tried calling her today, she wasn't home but at least she will know I called. The funeral is tomorrow -- it will be a very sad day for so many people...

Please keep them in your thoughts.
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Old 10-26-2007, 06:36 PM
 
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(((RedOakMomma)))

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. Thank you so much for sharing.

They are establishing a memorial garden for her daughter. We have arranged to have a magnolia bush added to it. We're also putting together care packages for her and her son.

I tried calling her today, she wasn't home but at least she will know I called. The funeral is tomorrow -- it will be a very sad day for so many people...

Please keep them in your thoughts.
What a beautiful idea about the garden.
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Old 10-26-2007, 10:15 PM
 
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When our son passed, some friends sent us a certificate stating that a tree would be planted in his memory in our state. I believe the organization is called Treegivers (I think they are based in NH but plant trees all over the place). I thought it was a nice idea... also we were doing an appletree theme in his bedroom so we are planning to plant an apple tree for him using the gift certificate given to us to a local garden center.

Kerri, mom to Doran  angel2.gif  (born still 7/6/05 at 33 weeks), Mairaed (11/16/07),  angel1.gif 11/15/08 at 10 weeks,  Kieran (11/2/09).   angel1.gif 1/11/11 at 15 weeks
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