I'm losing my mum - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-24-2007, 09:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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About a year and half ago my mum, who is 55, broke her arm. She got a blood infection during the surgery to repair it and then this year they diagnosed liver failure but said she had years to live. She went in the hospital again a couple weeks ago and is in the ICU now. They said two days ago it was getting better but today they told my dad that her chances of making it are slim.

I guess I'm posting here because I just don't know how I will make it through this. I'm two states away from her, and I'm afraid to even see her hooked up to machines. My dad was in the ICU last year and I passed out jjust being there, so I don't know how I can handle this. My husband and I just got married on 10/15 and we're trying to conceive our first baby, my mum's first grandchild, and I really want to have my mummy there for me when I am pregnant and I want her to see the baby if we are so blessed. My dad is not well equipped to handle life by himself, he's severely bipolar, and I don't know who will take care of him. I'm not ready for this, but I guess nobody ever is.

I don't know what to do. I know everyone loses a parent eventually but I just can't believe this is happening. She was going to come to the party to celebrate our wedding on the 11th and that was right after she ended up in the hospital, now it looks like I'll never talk to her again because she's unconscious. Can anyone who's dealt with losing a parent please help me? I can't see how I can make it through this. :
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Old 11-24-2007, 11:01 PM
 
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I haven't dealt with this, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.

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Old 11-24-2007, 11:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to add that we're going home tomorrow to try to see her to say goodbye. I don't want to do this.

I also keep having this weird thought, like we are TTC and I am hoping and praying with everything I have that we do conceive this cycle. If I lose my mom then I would feel like maybe part of her was coming back in that baby. At the same time I am scared of what the depression would do in an early pregnancy.

Thanks for your hugs.
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Old 11-24-2007, 11:32 PM
 
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Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. I saw your post and just had to respond, since I know it's so very hard to lose a parent. I lost both my parents when I was 15 years old, they died in a car accident. It was horrible. They had been on the verge of divorce and there were roomers that he may have intentionally veered the car into oncoming traffic (sadly the other driver was killed too).

I often wished I could have had a chance to have one last conversation, one last time to tell them I love you. I was numb for a long time. There are several years I have trouble remembering. We went to live with grandparents, which turned out to be a total nightmare. They stole all our social security checks and then kicked us to the curb. I often felt like I never had a proper time to grieve, and I tried to always be strong. But during college I went into full-on depression and it took years for me to get back on my feet.

My best advice is to surround yourself with people who are willing to lend an ear. Don't always hold back for the sake of others- it's important to find someone who will listen to every worry, doubt and fear. Give yourself time to fully grieve- it may be a long time before you allow yourself to feel happiness again. Understand that it's natural, and also that it won't last forever. I still tear up from time to time, but over the years the feelings start to lose their sting. Sure, it was hard without them on my wedding day, or when their granddaughter was born. But those thoughts are fleeting, just another one in the stream of many. Yes, I do think of them every day, but usually not in sadness. Instead, it's more like wondering what they would have thought, or being reminded of a memory with them.

Sometimes in life, we're suddenly dealt an almost unbearable burden. Sometimes, it feels like the pain will never end. But I promise you it will eventually. In the meantime, keep praying, you never know if a miracle may happen and she'll pull through. God bless!
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Old 11-24-2007, 11:35 PM
 
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Oh I am so sorry - you are right we all will have to go through this, probably - but it is just so hard - I can't imagine. and she is so young!! Take it easy on yourself - everything you are feeling is ok.
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Old 11-25-2007, 12:24 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by binkin View Post
I also keep having this weird thought, like we are TTC and I am hoping and praying with everything I have that we do conceive this cycle. If I lose my mom then I would feel like maybe part of her was coming back in that baby.
How stressful to be trying to create a new life while another life is ending Even though she is unconscious, I think I would be inclined to "tell" her about TTC. You never know what she may hear/sense.

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Old 11-25-2007, 09:00 PM
 
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Im so sorry...
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Old 11-27-2007, 02:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My mom passed away yesterday afternoon around 3:15. It was at least a very peaceful passing and the day before, when I arrived in town, she opened her eyes and said "hi sweetie" to me. My heart is broken and now I don't know how I'll get through this loss. One minute at a time I suppose.

Dh and I were TTC this cycle and, this might sound horrible. If I would have conceived I think it might have been yesterday, maybe she met the baby while both were in between places. i hope with all my heart that we did conceive because I think the baby would have a part of my mom because of the timing.

I love you, mummy, I hope you are at peace.
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Old 11-27-2007, 04:13 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.



Quote:
Originally Posted by binkin View Post
when I arrived in town, she opened her eyes and said "hi sweetie" to me.
Priceless.

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Old 12-02-2007, 05:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just needed to post that I'm having a really hard day. I really miss her and I can't even remember the last conversation we had, all the details. I know we talked about me taking care of her, and my dad would probably want me to get a hotel, but that she would be out of the hospital on Thursday.

A grief counselor from the hospice here is supposed to call me tomorrow. I don't even know where to start. I'm just really sad and I'm finding it hard to focus on anything else.

It gets better with time, doesn't it? It has to.
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Old 12-02-2007, 05:56 PM
 
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Be easy on yourself, the early days and months are the harder. I lost my mom almost 4 years ago, she was 50 when she passed. Only in the past few months have I reached the place where I can think of her without breaking down.

In the early days I also grappled with how to focus but eventually I was able to focus.

Shay

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Old 12-02-2007, 11:50 PM
 
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Be gentle with yourself. Sorry to hear news about your loss.

Sign hanging in Albert Einstein's office at Princeton: Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted, counts.
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Old 12-03-2007, 05:11 PM
 
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I lost my mom in October. I still have a hard time focusing. Even though her passing was peaceful and even beautiful, I find my self crying in the morning when I see her picture, or when I am driving and think of something I would like to call and talk to her about. I have no advice for you but just wanted you to know I am there with you. I am so pleased that you went and saw her. I know that made a huge difference for me.. to be there with her in those last days... you can read about my experience if you want to: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=794703

also I made a memorial web blog for her that has been extremely therapeutic, you can have a look at that too if you wish:
http://www.moonwater13.blogspot.com/

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Old 12-03-2007, 07:28 PM
 
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Time softens the hard edges, but it never gets easy. Take care of yourself, be a bit selfish, get therapy if you can. I know our local hospice offered a free support group for the families, and it helped me a lot to know I wasn't alone in having these feelings.

Cristeen ~ Always remembering our stillheart.gif  warrior ~ Our rainbow1284.gif  is 3, how'd that happen?!?! 

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Old 12-03-2007, 10:39 PM
 
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I first learned about your loss on the Mothers without Mothers thread but didn't know the details until I came here and read this post. I so, so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mom in August. She was diagnosed with cancer on June 1st and died 2 short months later. We, too, were toying with the idea to TTC again and when she got her diagnosis we decided to try to start infertility treatments right away (we suffer from unexplained infertility). I really wanted her to know both of my children. We never even got the chance because she passed so quickly. I have decided that my mom is in heaven picking out the perfect soul for my next baby. Whatever baby I have, I know it will be perfect for me because my mom knew me better than anyone.

The pain and grief are hard right now but I promise that it will get better with time. My heart still aches a lot but as time passes I find that I'm more happy than sad. I can talk about her without completely breaking down. Please be gentle with yourself. Whatever feelings you are feeling (anger, sadness, hopelessness, joy, etc.) are normal. Try to surround yourself with people who support you. Think of the advice you'd give your best friend if she were in your shoes and the follow it. It's so much easier to take care of other people than it is to take care of ourselves. If you need time alone, take it. If you need to cry yourself to sleep in someone's supportive arms, do it. Try to just take one day at a time.

I read a book called On Grief and Grieving that was pretty helpful. It didn't tell me anything that I didn't already rationally know, but it helped normalize things and just gave me a small sense of peace. I purchased the book and am done with it now. I'd be happy to mail it to you for free. If you're interested, PM me your address and I'll send it out right away.

Please know that there are a lot of supportive people here at MDC who have been in shoes just like yours. We are all here to support you however we can. Don't ever be shy about posting your grief or happy moments for that matter. Losing a loved one is a road that no one should travel alone.

You are in my prayers.

Andrea
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Old 12-12-2007, 04:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've had two awful days in a row. Tonight I just can't sleep. All I can do is lay there while my thoughts race, and I see her as she was at the end in the hospital, and think about how I regret not asking her a lot of questions I'd have liked to about her childhood, and just how much it hurts. I don't really know what to do. I feel destroyed right now. I just needed to vent.
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Old 12-12-2007, 04:54 AM
 
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My heart goes out to you and yours. There are no right things to say or ways to go about loosing someone so close. Time is really the only thing that helps, and even then the pain will never subside.

Recently, October this year, I lost my mother at 51 to an aggressive year long fight with cancer. Even though, I had time to say my peace, talk and know her life. To this day I feel like I should have done more. What helps me the most is knowing that no matter what she is still with you. Some way or another-and she'll let you know she is too.

There is a book that made things little easier for me, plus it's a great reference for other's with your experience it's called "Motherless Daughters : The Legacy of Loss" by Hope Edelman. Also, this site helped a lot too
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Old 12-12-2007, 03:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by binkin View Post
I've had two awful days in a row. Tonight I just can't sleep. All I can do is lay there while my thoughts race, and I see her as she was at the end in the hospital, and think about how I regret not asking her a lot of questions I'd have liked to about her childhood, and just how much it hurts. I don't really know what to do. I feel destroyed right now. I just needed to vent.
I wish I had some comforting words.

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Old 12-12-2007, 04:47 PM
 
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I'm so sorry Binkin. I feel your pain. Its (not really) funny we are in a similar boat. I think I'll call Hospice, too. I'm in Deerfield, but come to Adrian often. If you'd like we could meet for lunch and talk. PM me and I'll get you my phone #. The ladies on the Lenawee board can vouch that I'm not a stalker

Katie, mama to Katherine 21, Christian 19, Johannah 17, Nicholas 12, Genevieve 10, Matthew 7, Andrew 11/16/09 10#6oz home waterbirth and madly in love with my husband, Scott
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Old 12-13-2007, 02:07 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. I'm haunted by some of the final moments with my mom. I still have regrets that I should have said more, asked more, or done more. You mom knows that you loved her. Try as we might, we can never have all the answers and there will always be things we will wish we had our moms for. I wish I could say more to help you through this. Please keep venting away; we're all here to help you through.
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Old 12-13-2007, 02:10 AM
 
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Peace and healing mama.....I cant imagine.
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Old 12-14-2007, 09:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by binkin View Post
I've had two awful days in a row. Tonight I just can't sleep. All I can do is lay there while my thoughts race, and I see her as she was at the end in the hospital, and think about how I regret not asking her a lot of questions I'd have liked to about her childhood, and just how much it hurts. I don't really know what to do. I feel destroyed right now. I just needed to vent.

Losing a mother is so hard. In ways it was even harder than losing our son. It WILL get better with time, and the things that hurt so much will start to hurt a little less, plus be much more spread out, plus they'll begin to be balanced with good thoughts, good memories, and feelings of peace and acceptance.

It just takes time. In the meantime, do your best at trudging through. There is no right way to feel, or a right amount of time to feel it.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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Old 12-15-2007, 12:16 AM
 
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How are you doing, Binkin?

Katie, mama to Katherine 21, Christian 19, Johannah 17, Nicholas 12, Genevieve 10, Matthew 7, Andrew 11/16/09 10#6oz home waterbirth and madly in love with my husband, Scott
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Old 12-15-2007, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Today was mostly OK. AF showed up so I was really disappointed but actually alright about it. This week in general has been pretty hard for me. I guess it just seems more real now and I don't think it hurts more than it did at first, but it's a different hurt now. DH is being really patient and wonderful. I still don't feel like I'll ever feel good again, but I know that will pass.

I really, really miss my mom, though. I just keep thinking what a great person she was and how many things she did for us. I'm glad that in the past couple of years I'd been able to tell her I recognized that, but I don't think I told her enough. I want more time.

So... hanging in there, I suppose. How are YOU doing, Katie? I have been thinking of you and praying for you guys.
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Old 01-02-2008, 01:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am having a really hard time today. I miss my mum a lot. I haven't felt like really talking about the loss lately, with the holidays and everything. Because of the snow and bad weather, my grief counselor had to cancel our last appointment, so it's been a while since I feel like I've had an outlet, so I just had to say something. My mom's birthday is 1/6... coming up and it's going to be really hard for me. I realize time will help but it just hurts, and I've been really depressed... nothing's getting done here. I just can't see the way out of it right now, but I know eventually this will pass and I'll enjoy things again. It would be easier if she were here to help me. :
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Old 01-02-2008, 02:00 AM
 
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My heart aches for you, Binkin. I could write your post almost verbatim. Now that Christmas has passed, I'm in a total depression again. It's hard missing your mom when she's the one you'd normally go to when you're feeling down. I'm praying for you.
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Old 01-04-2008, 10:58 PM
 
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I'm right there too binkin - my mom passed away on the 30th of December. I'm still kind of numb, yesterday was hard. I just feel kind of lost without her.

Canadian mom to Boo (Aug '02), Bug (Aug '04) and Bear (Dec '06).
Jesse (July '09)
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Old 01-05-2008, 02:35 AM
 
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s, binkin. It WILL get better.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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Old 01-05-2008, 03:01 AM
 
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Old 01-06-2008, 04:02 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose your mother. I lost mine to cancer when I was 16 so I can tell you that it does get better with time. The pain is always there but you are able to function and you can be happy again.

When you have children, it will be hard because your mother never saw them or got to know them but it will also be comforting because you will see parts of your mother in yourself and in your children. You really learn how we are all one.

as you go through this difficult time.
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