grieving my ending marriage - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-02-2008, 03:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't really need any responses, just wanted a place to put this out there...

My husband and I are splitting up after 11 years and two children together. It is the right thing to do... and I feel some relief. He is moving out this weekend (I'm taking our children to the coast so they don't have to be around when he does). I am sad for both of us (all of us, really) that it couldn't work. And, I am very much grieving all that I wanted my marriage to be and all that it wasn't. There is no pretending any more or hoping, just the loss. And I am surprised by how deep and real it feels because I've known for years that the marriage wasn't meeting my needs and that DH couldn't meet them even if he'd wanted to. Why is it hitting so hard now? I feel like I should be able to deal with this more rationally. I guess the grief that keeps rolling in is a surprise. We've done so much counselling that the anger is gone and now I can feel the sadness that was behind it for both of us. I know that this path will lead to a healthier place for all of us, but it seems harder today than I had imagined and for different reasons than I had thought...
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Old 01-02-2008, 03:39 PM
 
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s
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Old 01-02-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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Hugs mama. I'm so sorry for you pain.
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Old 01-02-2008, 05:33 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetc View Post
...I am surprised by how deep and real it feels because I've known for years that the marriage wasn't meeting my needs and that DH couldn't meet them even if he'd wanted to. Why is it hitting so hard now? I feel like I should be able to deal with this more rationally...
Oh mama. You're having trouble because despite everything, there's still love there somewhere. Also, there's a familliarity after 11 years, and even if it's negative familliarity, it's 'comfortable' because you know. You're faced with being alone, and that's unknown territory to you.

Don't worry, this will pass. Allow yourself to grieve. Don't hide it from your kids, they'll be grieving too. Grieve together and get through it together. In time, your love for your (ex) husband will change into a respect kind of love; and you'll settle into routines with the kids; and being alone won't be so bad. But don't ever be lonely, mama, because we're here whenever you need to talk or vent; cry or celebrate!

I wish you (and the kids) love and light on your journey into a new future.

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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Old 01-02-2008, 06:03 PM
 
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Missing my Auntie
Grandma to 4 beautiful little boys
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Old 01-03-2008, 06:06 PM
 
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:

Mama to ds (8 yrs), ds (5 yrs), ds (3 yrs) and ds (3 yrs).
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Old 01-06-2008, 04:07 PM
 
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No advice, just .
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Old 01-06-2008, 04:45 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.

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Old 01-06-2008, 05:51 PM
 
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s mama. It's so hard, isn't it? The sadness that comes when you realize that all those dreams, hopes, ideas you had for that particular realtionship won't materialize is different than any other sadness I've felt, but it's real and has to be dealt with.

I wish you much love and light and support as you journey through this time of your life.

*~* A * Mama to C and A * *~* I blog - PM me for the URL
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Old 01-12-2008, 01:05 AM
 
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I'm sorry for the breakup of your marriage...
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Old 01-12-2008, 01:19 AM
 
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Just wanted to give you some hugs mama.
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Old 01-12-2008, 01:21 AM
 
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Thinking of you and the kids this weekend

~Joan, Happy mom to 2 beautiful kiddos, one new puppy and 2 lovely felines
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Old 01-12-2008, 01:21 AM
 
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i'm sorry that you're sad and going through a difficult moment.
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Old 01-12-2008, 11:10 AM
 
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so sorry mama

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Old 01-13-2008, 04:08 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. Many many for you, your kiddos, and your husband.

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Old 01-16-2008, 07:42 PM
 
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I'm sorry.
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Old 01-17-2008, 11:50 AM
 
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you're very brave to make such a hard choice. I hope you find all the happiness you deserve be it alone or some day with another partner!
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Old 04-16-2008, 06:07 AM
 
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I've found that grieving a relationship is like grieving for the future.
When you lose a loved one, you grieve the past. all the good times. all the love, the hugs. And then it's gone.
When you lose a relationship, it is like losing the future at the same time your entire life goes into transition. You change your living situation, finances, friends, habits. It's so hard
You have every right to be sad
Keep swimming
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Old 04-16-2008, 10:43 AM
 
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Im so sorry
Im in a not so healthy relationship atm - that may end too though I still hope it wont have to. I can only imagine being in your shoes in a near future. And I will be heartbroken too
Sending you lots of warm thoughts. And thoughts to your children who I am sure will miss theird dad tons

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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Old 04-17-2008, 12:53 AM
 
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This caught my eye and I felt the need to send my hugs as well. Change is difficult, and scary, and takes your breathe away. When love and reality have two different plans, it hurts a lot too. I will be thinking of you while you go through this difficult/liberating/emotionally challenging (to say the least) time.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, thank you all for you kind and loving posts.

I should probably update... I am doing so so much better now, 3 months later. My STBX moved out January 5th... and the relief was overwhelming. I was so worried and grieving, but when the event actually happened, I just could feel the rightness of it and that feeling has only grown. I have been surprised by so many things in the last three months.

1) I am stronger and more capable than I had even thought I could possibly be. I have been facing my demons in all areas of my life and it feels so good.

2) I've learned that when you live from your heart rather than your fears, life is infinitely more worth living. For everyone.

3) Decisions made from love are going to manifest goodness.

4) My children are doing better than ever before.

5) My STBX is doing better than ever before.

6) Life is hard, but not in the ways that I expected it to be.

7) Sometimes its lonelier in a marriage than out of it.

8) I know more and more of what I want day by day. And, I don't feel like I shouldn't want it!

9) I bought a cordless drill and I kick-a*s at home projects.

10) My friends are so true and beautiful and I am gifted by their strength and love.

11) You get what you ask for in this life. But sometimes you have to take great leaps of faith to get it.

12) Even strangers can be compassionate. Thank you, MDC.

One of my mentors said to me once "You should pay attention to what surprises you. That is where you will learn." So, I am paying attention.

Thank you all for your support. May the same be given to you when you are in need.

love and blessings,
Christine
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Old 04-19-2008, 06:27 PM
 
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: I am glad to hear that you are doing well. It can be such a relief to do what is right for your heart even though it is terrifying.

When I left my DS's father I was so sad because I wasn't with the one person who loved DS like me. But we have done a great job with DS - we are better parents than we were partners.

Good luck to you and your family on your journey.

Married to the love of my life, mom to DS :
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Old 04-24-2008, 01:09 PM
 
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It is great to hear you are doing well. from another Oregon member.
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