Five years - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 09:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Five years ago today, my 16 year old daughter took her own life. I'm no closer than I was then, to understanding why. I can offer vague supposistions, cite a few factors that may have contributed, but over all, I have no idea why she choose to die.

It hurts like hell, even now. They say time heals all wounds, but they lied. Time does not heal anything. You just learn to live with the shock, horror and pain.

Marrissa would have celebrated her 21st birthday on December 28th. Instead of a cake and candles, I stood at her grave in the biting cold and lit off 21 fireworks. I sang her the happy birthday song. I left flowers. And I cried all the way home.

All I have left is should have beens. She should have been X years old. Should have been doing XYZ. She should be the beautiful young woman she was becoming. I want to know that young woman, see her, touch her, smell her. I want to hear her laughter, her singing, her saying anything.

Five years ago, she walked out the front door knowing she would never be coming home again.

Five years later, I'm still waiting for the nightmare to end and have her walk through the door.

I miss her. I miss her so much.

:
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#2 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 09:57 AM
 
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oh honey i am so sorry, i cannot imagine the pain you go through everyday.
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#3 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 10:00 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. That is a tragic loss.

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#4 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 10:08 AM
 
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#5 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 10:10 AM
 
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I am so very sorry she's gone

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#6 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 10:12 AM
 
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I'm so sorry.


Nessa, DD1 (5) DD2 (3) & expecting again in late February/early March!
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#7 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 10:16 AM
 
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DragonflyBlue...my heart aches for you. I am so sorry.

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#8 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 10:25 AM
 
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#9 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 10:29 AM
 
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I am so sorry.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
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#10 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 10:34 AM
 
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You're in my thoughts. There's nothing I could say that could express how I feel. I'm just so sorry for your loss.

Would you like to share some wonderful memories of her with us today?

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#11 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 10:43 AM
 
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I am so sorry. I tried to find words to express how deeply sorry I am but I just don't have any.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#12 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:00 AM
 
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#13 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaughterOfKali View Post
You're in my thoughts. There's nothing I could say that could express how I feel. I'm just so sorry for your loss.

Would you like to share some wonderful memories of her with us today?
Your question brought me to tears. Nobody really asks that anymore.. I feel so alone in my grief most of the time.

When she was born she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. HUGE blue eyes that seemed to drink in everything around her. She had a bit of brown downy hair that I would stroke as she nursed..

When she was a toddler she found a poufy tricot slip that she adored. She wore it day and night for years until it was threadbare and ragged. She's sit by the washer until it was clean and dry and wearable again. When we'd go somewhere, she'd carry it in a little bag with her. I can still see her twirling about, a thumb in her mouth, a finger twisting her hair, her slip flying up.

She used to load the wagon with rocks from the garden and sell them to people in the neighborhood. They always bought them. Nobody ever turned her away.

She made paper flowers and sold them as well. I know a few people who still have those flowers...

She loved snowball fights, hot cocoa and working on jigsaw puzzles.

She wrote poetry and short stories and my god could she sing! A week before her death she sang at a school pageant -all alone, no accompniment, just her and her little sister on the stage. She held Boo's hand and sang to her.

The memories are rushing through my brain, I cannot stop crying.

If I live forever, I will never understand why she left us. One of my biggest fears is getting old and forgetting her... As much as it hurts, I don't ever want to forget...

:
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#14 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:09 AM
 
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I'm so sorry.

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#15 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:20 AM
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She sounds like a very special person. I am so sorry for your loss.
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#16 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:23 AM
 
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I"m so sorry.
Thanks so much for sharing your memories of her. They were beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.
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#17 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:24 AM
 
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Thank you for sharing her with us. Those are beautfiul memories.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#18 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:29 AM
 
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Thanks so much for sharing your memories...She sounds like a wonderful, special person...

single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
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#19 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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DragonflyBlue, I'm sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue
One of my biggest fears is getting old and forgetting her... As much as it hurts, I don't ever want to forget...
You won't forget.
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#20 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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Thank you for sharing a bit of her with us. I'm so sorry.

I don't think you'll ever forget her. She's a part of your heart, a part of you.
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#21 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:36 AM
 
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Thank you for sharing your memories of her. What a wonderful girl. I am terribly sorry for your loss.
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#22 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:38 AM
 
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#23 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:44 AM
 
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I can't imagine the pain you must feel.

Alicia DH Mike DS Gage Lola & Zeus Fishy Dishy, Charkey and Shark
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#24 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 11:55 AM
 
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I'm so so so sorry for your loss. May peace be with you.
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#25 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 12:03 PM
 
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Janis,

Thank you so much for sharing your daughter with us. She will not be forgotten. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain.

 
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#26 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 12:04 PM
 
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She sounds beautiful, and a blessing to all who knew her. I am so so sorry for your loss, I could never imagine the hurt. I wish I had just the right words that could give you some comfort.

Thank you for sharing her memory with us, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts today.

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#27 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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I can't imagine the pain you and your family have endured. Many for you and yours.
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#28 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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Oh mama,
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#29 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 12:41 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear daughter.
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#30 of 109 Old 01-27-2008, 12:42 PM
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I'm so so sorry

PhDin' mama to dd (Oct. 2005)
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