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#1 of 21 Old 02-15-2008, 11:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My mother passed away on Thanksgiving 2007. She was my very best friend. I saw her 5 times a week and we talked on the phone DAILY. She was everything to me and life has been hard and miserable ever since she left us.

Her death was VERY unexpected. I hung out with her the night before she had her stroke. She seemed 110% normal. I never ever ever expected this in my wildest dreams and I just can not cope.

During my pregnancy I suffered CRIPPLING depression, then after my son was born I developed HORRIBLE postpartum OCD. MY mother was the ONLY person who understood me. She would listen. She helped me. She came over every day to check on Gabriel and I and to make sure that we were okay... She supported all of my parenting choices. She LOVED her grandson more than life itself and more than anything she wanted to see him grow up..... but she only got to know him for 3 months, which breaks my heart.... (Thankfully she got to know my other kids and my brother's son for years)...

I feel that she was taken far before her time... and I can't cope. I am having such a hard time. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week. I have been to the PSychiatric hospital twice since her death and they never helped me....

This never should have happened... I NEEDED her... SHE loved life... I am only 23 years old and I need my mommy.... I am still in shock that she has left us......

Any words of wisdom, advice, comfort? I feel SOOO alone... I never got to say goodbye to her. She was on life support and in a vegetative state for 4 days before she passed away. After they unhooked her life support I stayed with her for 12 hours... and watched her die... I read to her, I talked to her... but they say taht she couldn't recognize me or anythign that was happening most likely....

It's all too confusing... and I am still in shock.

thanksgiving will NEVER be the same again...

.. and my beautiful angel is gone forever... I can't get that fact through my head.....

Also, now I think that on top of my Psotpartum OCD and anxiety issues.. I have post traumatic stress from watching her die..... HER.... I am soooo lost.....

Can anyone relate?
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#2 of 21 Old 02-17-2008, 01:20 AM
 
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I have no words of wisdom or advice but I just wanted to give some and say I'm so sorry about your mom . I think that it is cool that you had a mom that was also your friend.
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#3 of 21 Old 02-17-2008, 01:42 AM
 
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---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#4 of 21 Old 02-17-2008, 02:06 AM
 
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No advice, only s:, prayers & positive thoughts
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#5 of 21 Old 02-17-2008, 02:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mama_says_riot View Post


Any words of wisdom, advice, comfort? I feel SOOO alone... I never got to say goodbye to her. She was on life support and in a vegetative state for 4 days before she passed away. After they unhooked her life support I stayed with her for 12 hours... and watched her die... I read to her, I talked to her... but they say taht she couldn't recognize me or anythign that was happening most likely....
I firmly believe that she knew you were with her.

I wish I had something wonderful to say to take some of your pain away.

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#6 of 21 Old 02-17-2008, 02:40 AM
 
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Mama, I couldn't read and not post. I had really bad pregnancy depression and postpartum OCD so I really understand what you're going through on that front. Are you getting any professional help in that area? I would think that its more critical than ever with what you're going through now.

Just wanted to offer some s and support. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I agree with the PP and that your mom knew you were there and I am sure it meant the world to her.

First and foremost, Mama to Owen blahblah.gif (7/21/04), Annalieseenergy.gif  (7/29/09), and somebody new bigeyes.gif  (due Feb 2012), and wife to Andrew (9/12/98). Also passionate about and loving the work I do in Organizational Development.

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#7 of 21 Old 02-17-2008, 02:44 AM
 
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Im so sorry
If you need to talk please pm me, really...
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#8 of 21 Old 02-17-2008, 05:21 PM
 
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Having lost my own Mom almost 4 years ago I do know how you feel, like you my Mom was my best friend. She had been battling lung cancer and everything was looking up then Christmas 2004 what we thought was a bad headache turned out to be mestastic brain cancer, less than 3 mos later she was gone. Honestly the first year I was numb, my dd was conceived about 7 mos after her passing and it was a rough time for me. Thankfully I had a midwife that was older and understood what it meant for me to go through the pregnancy without my Mom.

I will also say the first year of my dd's was an emotional mixed bag, my kids are almost 14 years apart so I had waited a long time to have another child and it was almost ironic that I had a girl because for many years my Mom would tell me my next child would be a girl and she was.. she looks so much like my Mom that it hurts at times.

The hurt does get better, but its taken time, so please be gentle with yourself. In the early days I went to some online grief boards but never did counseling but you may find that helpful. Please feel free to PM if you like.

Shay

Mothering since 1992...its one of the many hats I wear.
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#9 of 21 Old 02-17-2008, 11:46 PM
 
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Oh sweetie . . . I am so so so sorry . . . .
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#10 of 21 Old 02-19-2008, 10:26 PM
 
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I'm so sorry Cyn, my dh lost his father unexpectedly just before Christmas and has spent countless hours talking on the phone with his mother and siblings. He feels like they are the only ones who share his memories of his father and can relate. Is there someone from your family you can talk to, who can connect with you about your mother, memories, and missing her?

It sounds like you had a very blessed beloved relationship with your mother. I am not surprised you feel the deep loss of her cut from your life. I wish I knew what to say to help, but I think it will just take lots of time for the pain to ease some. Is there a social worker at the hospital where she was who you can talk to? Or your therapist?

I'm so sorry

wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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#11 of 21 Old 02-20-2008, 04:11 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mama_says_riot View Post

MY mother was the ONLY person who understood me. She would listen. She helped me. She came over every day to check on Gabriel and I and to make sure that we were okay...

I feel that she was taken far before her time... and I can't cope. I am having such a hard time. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week. I have been to the PSychiatric hospital twice since her death and they never helped me....
You need to get help somewhere other than that psychiatric hospital. You are reaching out to the wrong professionals. There has to be somebody out there that can help. Don't give up looking for help. You will (and should) get the support your desperately should have.

My prayers will be with you. I am 47 and I still need my mommy, I know I will be a wreck when she dies. I know that I am definitely going to need grief counseling then. I won't survive without it.

Ruth
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#12 of 21 Old 02-21-2008, 09:16 PM
 
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I am so, so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mom in August after a 2 month battle with cancer. I too was by her side when she passed. I have a lot of memories from her last day that haunt me. It helped a lot to talk through those with a counselor. She was my best friend too so I know how hard it must be. Please try to be gentle with yourself. Think of the advice that you'd give your dearest friend if she were in your shoes and then follow it! I know that's easier said than done. I agree with other posts about finding some help for the depression/OCD. My mom has only been gone for 6 months and the grief is still very strong but it DOES get better with time. When you're ready, we have a Moms without Mothers tribe here on MDC. I find a lot of comfort there. Many hugs to you!
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#13 of 21 Old 02-21-2008, 10:11 PM
 
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I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Sometimes life can be so rough and seem so unfair. I think the idea of a support group, even if it is online, is a great one. You will find women who are going through the same thing and it will lessen some of the feelings of being alone. I wish you peace which I pray comes with time

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#14 of 21 Old 02-23-2008, 03:58 PM
 
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It sucks so bad to lose someone you love so deeply. I too think the hospital isn't quite the right place to get the help you need. I would start with the local hospice center. Even if your mom wasn't there, they have so so many resources. Counselors, support groups, books, etc.

I lost someone dear to me, my Nan, 9 years ago. The pain was unbearable at times, especially in the first year. I can still get very melencholy and sad, but only every so often. It does ease with time.

Sahm mom to three lovely girls, and happily married to a great, sweet guy
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#15 of 21 Old 02-23-2008, 04:00 PM
 
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My thoughts are with you, I can't understand losing a mom, but I lost my grandmother when I was 12 and she was my world. I still talk to her and named my daughter after her and think about her and it is almost 20 years later.

Sad that she is gone, happy she is in a better place, strengthened by the fact that I can hold onto her memory and keep her alive in my heart forever.


Kara, Chad, dd L(5) and ds E(3) and expecting baby E on Valetine's Day grouphug.gif~We are a home-birthing, baby-wearing, home-made, co-sleeping, no-vax, crafting(both of items and of magick!), green living and loving family in Southern NH

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#16 of 21 Old 03-11-2008, 10:05 PM
 
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she is with you, she is always around you ... helping with everything that you do. she gives you invisible hugs when you cry.

she is in an all knowing and all loving place, she is at peace. she smiles on you when you smile and when you hug your children.

she is everywhere now.

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
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#17 of 21 Old 03-12-2008, 12:15 AM
 
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I just posted in another grief and loss thread about the loss of my grandfather. He passed after a long illness and during which time, I read a lot of death and dying. The things that comforted me most through his passing were books by John Edward, the psychic medium (and his tv shows).

I learned to meditate and during that time, I feel closer to my grandfather.

Id been seeing a therapist for PTSD due to Hurricane Katrina for awhile but I still cant bring myself to talk to her about the death and grief. For me, its just too personal and I feel like Im dealing okay on my own. What are your thoughts on talking to a grief counselor?

I will tell you this: I wouldnt give one thing to have my grandfather alive again. He's at peace, he feels no pain and based on my belief system, Im convinced he's in Heaven. I couldnt bear the thought of him leaving such a wonderful place to come back here for anything.

I firmly believe that he was welcomed by the people that loved him and that he missed dearly. He was 81 and had lost many family and friends already. So I know that his heart is being loved where he is. I feel his presence all the time. So much so that it brings me to tears.

Every time I feel sad about his passing, I try to do something that honors his memory. In doing so, it takes my mind off the sadness and refocuses me toward something positive.
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#18 of 21 Old 03-12-2008, 03:38 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
she is with you, she is always around you ... helping with everything that you do. she gives you invisible hugs when you cry.

she is in an all knowing and all loving place, she is at peace. she smiles on you when you smile and when you hug your children.

she is everywhere now.
This.
Blessings, mama.
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#19 of 21 Old 03-21-2008, 11:49 PM
 
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I can definitely relate. My sweet mom passed away unexpectedly Dec 2 of 06. I was 27 and even lived in the house with her. I needed my mama then and I STILL need my mom. That never changes. You can pm me any time to talk. ANY TIME. Talking really does help.

Take things one day at a time. Stay healthy for your kids. You know she would have wanted it that way (right?)


Link to my grief thread so you can see more about my own loss. It is quite similar to yours...

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=574340

Cindy + DH Paul = DS1 (4/26/06), DS2 (11/30/07), DD (12/20/10) & surprise 4th edition coming in April 2014.

Bradley Method Natural Childbirth Educator, Doula, and Breastfeeding Counselor

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#20 of 21 Old 03-21-2008, 11:57 PM
 
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I'm so sorry about your loss. My mom is still w/ me but I understand the connection. My grandmother was very close to my mom and me and her passing left my mother in a very difficult state. My grandmother passed on Easter I understand the significance of holidays and loved ones deaths.

I see that you are Indy. If you ever want someone to talk to or hang out w/ let me know...
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#21 of 21 Old 03-23-2008, 10:56 AM
 
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I hope you can find healing. I am the same age as you and I don't have a clue how I could possibly handle my Mother pass away. I'd go nuts. I can't imagine how you feel inside, but it makes me cry just thinking about it. You'll be in my thoughts.

loveeyes.gif Mama to a lively DD (10/05) energy.gifand DS (06/23) babyboy.gif!

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