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Old 02-16-2008, 11:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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His birthday was wednesday the 13th, and since I don't exactly talk to the rest of the family, I didn't tell anyone else that I have been around. I have been in a terrible mood, this week has been horrific for a number of reasons, and this just doesn't help. He would have been 25 this year, so it's been close to four years since he died... I don't even remember what day he died. It was either late september or early october, but it all blurs together, kwim? I think that's why it doesn't hit me so hard then. *sigh* I just can't believe it has been so long. I still catch myself wanting to call him sometimes- and then I remember. He had such a miserable life that I want to remember the happy things about him, but they are just so few. He was in "treatment centers" most of his life, and I was technically his guardian when he died, but I wasn't "allowed" to plan the funeral-- his coked-out mom did it all. My brother and I were not on speaking terms when he died (he took a lot of money from me, and I ended up homeless for a few weeks)-- but I had been trying to get in touch with him to let him know I still loved him. Our dad and grandmother wouldn't give either of us the others phone # saying it was best if we both cooled off some more. So, I know he was trying to call me too- and I know he wasn't holding a grudge with me. I just wish I could have told him I love him a few hundred more times while he was still alive.

Suicide is so hard to digest when you grow up in the Bible Belt and friend's parents speak without thinking. (I forgive you Le, you didn't realize what you were saying, and I do respect your religious beliefs, but can you just be a little less pushy and a litte more tactful? Please?)... And it just festered into a huge fight with me and my best friend... and the friend was the one that was pissed at me! over something else unrelated, and decided to defend her mother's right to an opinion... I still didn't tell her Jeremy's birthday was Wednesday because that would just make her feel worse and she's already apologized. And in a way, it would make me feel better to just lay into both of them, I know I would feel worse in the long run.

I had to get all that off my chest.
Now I'm going to go get slightly drunk while dd is out with said best friend and best friend's mom. I just couldn't face them all today without acting like a complete maniac. Thanks for reading. It makes me feel a lot better sharing this, believe it or not.

---feeling like an emu on acid---
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Old 02-17-2008, 12:39 AM
 
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I'm so sorry.

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Old 02-17-2008, 12:49 AM
 
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i am so sorry you are going thru this
i hope you find some peace tonight
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Old 02-23-2008, 05:01 PM
 
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My thoughts are with you

Kara, Chad, dd L(5) and ds E(3) and expecting baby E on Valetine's Day grouphug.gif~We are a home-birthing, baby-wearing, home-made, co-sleeping, no-vax, crafting(both of items and of magick!), green living and loving family in Southern NH

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