Lost our baby during first trimester, and my mom has not even called once.UPDATE - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 26 Old 02-24-2008, 07:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We lost our baby in the first trimester, just this past week. It was a horrible experience, just so incredibly sad. I'm going to heal OK though, and try to do my best to live in joy again, although I also know the grief will take a long time to subside. I have written lots about this in the pregnancy loss forum.

But another smaller grief is hurting, too. While I was in the hospital this past week, my oldest daughter called my mom, who lives locally, and told her what was going on. I had not had the time, or desire, to call anyone myself yet. I was still absorbing the blow. Anyway, almost a week has gone by. My mom has not called one time, or e-mailed, or made any contact at all to offer her condolences.

While it is true that my mom has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and is generally very hard to get along with, has no friends, and is a total misogynist, I had thought maybe she could step out of her own head long enough to acknowledge our loss. I told DH, May God strike me dead if one of our kids ever loses a baby someday and we don't even bother to call them. But it really hurts, and really sucks, that my own mom so totally does not give a crap about us that she has not even called. How depressing.

The last time she was over (about 6 weeks ago), she walked out on us, just stomped out and left without thanking us for the meals or saying any goodbyes, even to the kids. This she did because we were not able to do everything according to HER schedule, on HER wishes, in HER way.....I was getting ready to put the kids to bed, and she came rushing upstairs and said she wanted such-and-such RIGHT NOW, because she was wanting to go home. I asked her politely if she could wait 2 minutes, because my hands were full right then, and she responded that I was a self-centered immature person who always wanted everyone to wait for me and do things my way, blah blah blah. (Nothing could be further from the truth.) She literally just walked out. I came downstairs 3 minutes later and she was gone. Incredible. How RUDE.

Anyway, I waited a few days and called her, asking why she had left without saying goodbye. I was trying to make some peace, hoping to have a dialogue. She just told me again that I am a rotten person and immature, and raged and said total CRAP, and then hung up on me. Incredible. I gave up calling her.

Then the miscarriage happened. I thought she might even just call to offer her support. But apparently, her desire to nurse a fake grudge and to hate me because I am female (yes she has serious gender confusion issues!!!), apparently that desire is stronger than her desire to support her only daughter at this time. I did not expect her to be nurturing---as you can expect, she does not do the nurture thing---but I did kind of expect her to give a damn.

It is safe to say that my relationship with her is totally over, 100% over. I cannot have such a toxic person around my kids, my husband and myself. She must be such an unhappy person inside, so full of self-loathing. It is why she has no friends and stays home alone with her dog all day, year after year. How depressing.

My dad died when I was little. But now I truly have NO parents. Anyone else here have no parents? It is strange. It is sad, and right now I could really use a good dose of mothering myself. Thank god for good women friends, my spouse, my wonderful kids.
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#2 of 26 Old 02-24-2008, 07:46 PM
 
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#3 of 26 Old 02-25-2008, 12:00 AM
 
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After reading this all I want to do is make you a pot of my yummy chicken soup, bake you some bread, and come over bearing comfort food and maybe some 'laugh-till-you-pee-your-pants' movies.

I'm so very deeply sorry for your losses (pluralized because I recognize that you have lost your precious baby, and at the same time you have lost your relationship - however flawed - with your mother). I'm proud of you for somehow rising above her and becoming a great mom yourself. We're here for continued support through this!

Kier: wife to Jared, mama to Emma ('05), Savannah ('07), and our newest little love Reid (June 30, '09) -intact because of all of YOU! I had an ecstatic birth, at home in the water!
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#4 of 26 Old 02-25-2008, 01:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you ladies, thank you so much. It means a lot to have your support. It IS hard to have no mom at a time like this. But she has done other awful things too....When I was pregnant with our fourth (our youngest) child, and in my third trimester, my DH had a ten-day business trip. I was really sick with pneumonia and was having some bleeding. Not a lot of bleeding, but I needed help with the other three (very young) children. Amazingly, my mom agreed to come stay with us for five days and "help." Why I agreed to it is beyond me, since she cannot even bring in her plate from the table without being asked. She is very rude, spoiled and inappropriate. Anyway, one of my kids was really misbehaving--she was tired and out of sorts, and we had just been traveling (cut short because of my illness.) So my mom of course took the misbehavior personally, and decided as usual that we were "mistreating" her.

After being at our house less than a day, she started really really griping about how mean and disrespectful we were being, blah blah blah. She failed to notice that we were all exhausted, I was extemely ill and on partial bedrest, the kids were missing DH and were worried about me, etc. We really were doing our best. The problem was, we were not waiting on and serving HER. She likes to have all the attention. Not acceptable if others need attention! So she just picked up her stuff and walked out, leaving me with no food, no drinking water (our tap water is unacceptable), no car, and absolutely no way of getting any help. Our friends were ALL out of town on summer vacation, and our car was getting fixed.

I had four days until DH came home and basically we ate frozen vegetables and what meat we had. I couldn't walk to the store, because I was bleeding just a little and didn't want to walk that far with three small kids in tow. Normally I do not find myself in such weird circumstances, we're generally more organized with less drama than that. But that was a time when lots of things happened at once, very fast, and I needed help. And literally had no other choices. But my mom didn't give a damn. She just took off. Never called again to check on me, never did anything. I didn't talk to her for months after that. THAT is how toxic she is. She is the champion of walk-outs and hang-ups and abandonment. She has literally ZERO communication skill.

Remembering that, I think what an idiot I am that I rekindled the relationship. I guess the dream of having a parent dies hard, huh? It seems crazy, having a mom nearby who is theoretically functional as a human being, but who in reality is NOT functional. And is certainly not nurturing or a mother in any sense. Yuck. It makes me sick. I pray to never become like that. I feel like I have parenting poison in my veins.

I miss our baby too. I miss her/him. It has been a sad week.
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#5 of 26 Old 02-25-2008, 01:58 AM
 
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Originally Posted by freestyler View Post

My dad died when I was little. But now I truly have NO parents. Anyone else here have no parents? It is strange. It is sad, and right now I could really use a good dose of mothering myself. Thank god for good women friends, my spouse, my wonderful kids.
Not me but my dp. He never had a dad and he cut his mom off a year ago. She sounds a lot like your mother actually. My SIL has had some pregnancy losses and MIL has been totally inappropriate each and every time.

If your mom really is like my MIL then...it is all about her. Everything. Takes selfish to a whole new level. The things that came out of her mouth when she found out about the last pregnancy loss were just terrible.

A big big huge to you. I know that the words "I am sorry" are tossed around way too much but I don't know what else to say to you. Because I am truly sorry for your loss. The loss of your pregnancy and the loss of your mother.
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#6 of 26 Old 02-25-2008, 12:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you Candipooh. Yes, people like her do take selfishness to a whole new level. They actually believe it really IS all about them. But I still had the crazy idea she might just call once and offer condolences. I mean, it is something I would even do for someone I didn't like very much, if I found out they lost a pregnancy. She's horrible. My DH is really shocked by her behavior. He cannot imagine not supporting your own daughter through something like this. It is outrageous.

May I strive to be a better parent, loving and supportive, and always be there for my kids. I would like to break the links of dysfunctionality!!
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#7 of 26 Old 02-25-2008, 02:57 PM
 
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You always have hope that someone will be there when you need them. When they disappoint, even if there was a small part that expected it, it adds even more to your grieving. I'm so sorry.

*formerly apecaut*, Mom to A, Calliope (stillborn 40 weeks 6/22/07), A and O
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#8 of 26 Old 02-25-2008, 07:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That's right. Hope springs eternal, that's what they say.

This is definitely the meanest and cruelest thing she has ever done, way worse even than leaving me sick and stranded during the pregnancy that time. That woman is a toxic, dysfunctional loser. There will be no more contact with her.

Thank you for your support, ladies!!!
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#9 of 26 Old 02-25-2008, 10:34 PM
 
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Oh mama, I wish you weren't having such a hard time. First, I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose a child, no matter when. And to have no sympathy or common decency forthcoming from mom can be very difficult indeed. One thing I have learned is that when I am needing someone elses...anything, I am really asking for trouble. Because no matter how kind and well meaning anyone is, they can't ever really know what is in my heart, KWIM? At the end of the day, I know that the person I need to be kind to me most, is ME. It's really only when someone echoes something that I fear and/or worry about that what they say or do resonates with me. M/C is hard. No matter how much we intellectualize or rationalize, it just plain hurts. We may fear we must have done something wrong to cause it. You didn't. This little spirit had another mission. Of course you want your mom to be different. The truth is, to some degree or another, we ALL want our moms to be different. Be gentle with yourself, focus on healing. Don't let your crazy mom distract you from this important time, KWIM?
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#10 of 26 Old 02-25-2008, 10:42 PM
 
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freestyler, I don't think you'll ever be like your mom because you recognize that behavior for what it is. You sound like a good mama to your children and you tried to be a good daughter to your mother but she didn't allow that. Very sad for her, I can see you pity her situation, but she's not helping herself, so there's nothing to be done about it.

You have my sincerest condolences on your loss.
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#11 of 26 Old 02-26-2008, 02:27 PM
 
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I'm so very sorry, Mama, for all that you are carrying right now .



natural birthin', baby catchin', cloth addicted, intactalactavist mama of 12/00, 6/03, 10/07, 8/10 & our angelcubs three
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#12 of 26 Old 02-26-2008, 05:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Laoxinat---I love your advice. It is right on.
Everyone, thank you so much. You are so much help.

To distract me from my pain today, my kitchen sink has clogged and the plumber seems unable to clear the clog. That is lovely. My toddler ripped a curtain rod and full set of curtains down by swinging on them. I have to pick up my 5-yr-old from preschool in 20 minutes, the damned plumber is still here, and DH is not answering his cell phone.

This last week has sucked. Just sucked.
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#13 of 26 Old 02-26-2008, 09:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by freestyler View Post
We lost our baby in the first trimester, just this past week. It was a horrible experience, just so incredibly sad. I'm going to heal OK though, and try to do my best to live in joy again, although I also know the grief will take a long time to subside. I have written lots about this in the pregnancy loss forum.

But another smaller grief is hurting, too. While I was in the hospital this past week, my oldest daughter called my mom, who lives locally, and told her what was going on. I had not had the time, or desire, to call anyone myself yet. I was still absorbing the blow. Anyway, almost a week has gone by. My mom has not called one time, or e-mailed, or made any contact at all to offer her condolences.

While it is true that my mom has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and is generally very hard to get along with, has no friends, and is a total misogynist, I had thought maybe she could step out of her own head long enough to acknowledge our loss. I told DH, May God strike me dead if one of our kids ever loses a baby someday and we don't even bother to call them. But it really hurts, and really sucks, that my own mom so totally does not give a crap about us that she has not even called. How depressing.

The last time she was over (about 6 weeks ago), she walked out on us, just stomped out and left without thanking us for the meals or saying any goodbyes, even to the kids. This she did because we were not able to do everything according to HER schedule, on HER wishes, in HER way.....I was getting ready to put the kids to bed, and she came rushing upstairs and said she wanted such-and-such RIGHT NOW, because she was wanting to go home. I asked her politely if she could wait 2 minutes, because my hands were full right then, and she responded that I was a self-centered immature person who always wanted everyone to wait for me and do things my way, blah blah blah. (Nothing could be further from the truth.) She literally just walked out. I came downstairs 3 minutes later and she was gone. Incredible. How RUDE.

Anyway, I waited a few days and called her, asking why she had left without saying goodbye. I was trying to make some peace, hoping to have a dialogue. She just told me again that I am a rotten person and immature, and raged and said total CRAP, and then hung up on me. Incredible. I gave up calling her.

Then the miscarriage happened. I thought she might even just call to offer her support. But apparently, her desire to nurse a fake grudge and to hate me because I am female (yes she has serious gender confusion issues!!!), apparently that desire is stronger than her desire to support her only daughter at this time. I did not expect her to be nurturing---as you can expect, she does not do the nurture thing---but I did kind of expect her to give a damn.

It is safe to say that my relationship with her is totally over, 100% over. I cannot have such a toxic person around my kids, my husband and myself. She must be such an unhappy person inside, so full of self-loathing. It is why she has no friends and stays home alone with her dog all day, year after year. How depressing.

My dad died when I was little. But now I truly have NO parents. Anyone else here have no parents? It is strange. It is sad, and right now I could really use a good dose of mothering myself. Thank god for good women friends, my spouse, my wonderful kids.
Oh sweetie,

I am so sorry. I can relate. I lost a child at 23 weeks and my mother called me the day I returned from the hospital. However, not to say I'm sorry, but to ask me to borrow 5K and to co-sign on her home. It was like being sucker punched in the gut. I felt this was the one time in my life when I really needed a mom, and I didn't have one. I too feel like I have no parents, though they are both still alive. It is a horrible feeling, and my heart aches with you. I hope you are doing better and that you are finding ways to grieve for your baby. Much love my dear
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#14 of 26 Old 02-27-2008, 12:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Holy crapola, she called and asked to borrow MONEY and you had just gone through that? I think I would never ever talk to her again. Did she even ask how you were doing, or if you needed anything? Did she express condolences even once? ?? There are some people on this earth who are just plain horrid, just horrid with NO EXCUSE.

I know for a fact I'm not evr talking to my mom again after this. This is a time when we really, really needed extra support. To have her not even send a card, or an e-mail, or phone even once, wow. That is COLD! We muddled through all right last week, DH took one week off so I could rest and our friends watched the kids when I was in the hospital. (We're homeschooling, so the kids are around a lot!) But it would have been pretty darned nice to have someone bringing us more food, or flowers, or just any old thing to show they cared. My girlfriends did that, and I'm eternally grateful to them. But you know, somehow you just want your mom to be a MOM at a time like this.

But anyway, Laoxinat, you really hit the nail on the head. It is ourselves that we need to depend on, and when we "need" others, we are likely to be let down at a critical time. Still, may I be struck dead by a bolt of lightning if I ever do such a cold thing to any child of mine. I still have not heard from my mom, and at this point, I never want to again. During the hardest time, she turned away, refused to be there, and that, to me, is unforgivable. Anyway, on to bigger and brighter things. I guess there will always be total JERKS in the world....and they are always related to SOMEONE, right?!
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#15 of 26 Old 02-27-2008, 01:51 PM
 
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To my husband I am wife, to my kids I am mother, but for myself I am just me.
we're : with and : and
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#16 of 26 Old 02-27-2008, 04:08 PM
 
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But anyway, Laoxinat, you really hit the nail on the head. It is ourselves that we need to depend on, and when we "need" others, we are likely to be let down at a critical time. Still, may I be struck dead by a bolt of lightning if I ever do such a cold thing to any child of mine. I still have not heard from my mom, and at this point, I never want to again. During the hardest time, she turned away, refused to be there, and that, to me, is unforgivable. Anyway, on to bigger and brighter things. I guess there will always be total JERKS in the world....and they are always related to SOMEONE, right?!

And about forgiveness, remember it's NOT for her. Forgiveness means letting go of the belief that they must agree with us, support us, be there for us. However, forgiveness also does not obligate us to be around the forgivee. Ever. One thing that helped me so much was to see ALL of the older women in my life as my collective mother. I learned to ask for and to recieve nurturing and help from them. This was very healing, and really helped to restore my faith in humanity.
though you don't 'deserve' this, it is in your life for a reason. You will come out of it a better person and a more kind and loving one as well. To your mom: Ha, so there!!
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#17 of 26 Old 03-02-2008, 01:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, she finally made a sign of life! A rotten crappy card, which she made on the computer because she is too cheap to buy one. The card said basically that she didn't call because I hadn't told her personally, but she heard it from my aunt, etc. (Well, my daughter DID tell her personally.) Anyway, that was it, just her excuse for not making any gestures of support. There was no offer of support, no asking how we are doing, no offer of help, no condolences, no affection expressed. Just "here's my reason for not calling." And of course, now that she has acknowledged that she knows, she STILL has not called or given any sign that she gives a damn. (She doesn't.) : She stinks. This is definitely the worst thing she has ever done. And it is the LAST time she will hurt anyone in my family, especially me but also my husband or kids. Well, DH isn't especially hurt by her stupid behavior. He never liked her much anyway, but is too kind to say so.

Ahhhhh, well, time to move on. How do you, like, WASH yourself clean of the toxins and hurts other people try to throw your way? I feel polluted by my mom's toxic behavior. It is hard to stop being really really mad and just furious, but I really want to let it go and get on with it. I hate hanging onto stuff and usually don't. But this is a big one. Having your mom not even CALL when you had a miscarriage and were in the hospital, and when you have four little kids to take care of....and she claims to care about her grandchildren. HA! ROFLMAO!

But seriously, how do you let go of someone's totally toxic baggage? It is her baggage, not mine, her problems, not mine. I need to be able to throw out this relationship just as though it were the kitchen trash, because it is worth just that much. Why do we let stuff bother us? Why is it so hard to just say, "Oh well, that's life," and REALLY, truly let it go? I must not be very zen. I should go study zen philosophy. It's funny, because I am zen about some other things. But here I am having trouble. I think having expectations in life, this really causes trouble. I should be able to just see things the way they are at present, without embellishment, and accept them calmly.

Any tips for letting go? Because it is what I need to do now.
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#18 of 26 Old 03-02-2008, 01:14 PM
 
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Hey girl,

Are you familiar with Byron Katie? The Work is a wonderful process for putting things into perspective-the perspective of reality. You can check her out on youtube and on her website www.byronkatie.com Some of the concepts are challenging to grasp, but once you get used to them, the process flows very easily. I find this work especially useful to those of us with toxic parents. It allows us to examine the reality of our situation in this moment. I have been enjoying it immensely. I have to go table sit at a Temple event, but I'll elaborate later. Also, there's a thread in Personal Growth called A Worldwide Peace Movement for us mamas doing The Work. Come on over and check us out! mama!
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#19 of 26 Old 03-02-2008, 07:45 PM
 
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ahhh.... the work

i was thinking of byron katie as i was reading this thread

she turned my life around. the realtionships with toxic family members...and the relationships with my children (also professional relationships, but thats another thread)

op, you have the clarity to do 'the work' in this situation....really, look it up

and, as a pp said.....i would love to make soup and bread and read your lo's stories so you could get some rest and grieving time.

((hugs))

proverbs 29:7 the righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern.

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#20 of 26 Old 03-03-2008, 02:00 AM
 
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well, i've read up on narcissistic people awhile ago, and it said that having a N. parent is the *worst* -- the reason your mom's note only referred to her excuse, is because in her mind, it's just all about her. the trouble you are having, is that this is your *mother*, who is supposed to be all about *you*. but you are just starting to realize that in your unfortunate case, it is not about you and never was and never will be.

when someone like you is truly open to self change (which is a survival tactic, because you can't keep getting hurt by expecting something from a parent that the parent is fundamentally unable to give), and motivated to change (to let go), you can probably find a lot of success in *short term* individual counseling with a talk counselor. open yourself up to a good therapist who can help you work through the hurt. if you can get in with a good one (not necessarily expensive -- i found one in the chicago suburbs who was $20 an hour back when i was going through my divorce from a N-like husband), you might find yourself growing through this in a matter of a few months.

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#21 of 26 Old 03-03-2008, 12:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for the suggestions, mammas!! I will pursue both of those paths. And it is true, having a narcissistic parent is the worst. The absolute worst. They "look" normal on the outside, sort of, but are not normal inside. And I guess that's right---the reason her card was like that is because it is all about HER.

I appreciate the offer in thought of reading stories to my kids, hon! That's a nice thought.

Gotta go feed the little munchkins.
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#22 of 26 Old 03-03-2008, 05:28 PM
 
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Hi there.

First of all, I'm sorry you lost your baby. I'm so sorry.

Now...your mom. My mom had Borderline Personality Disorder (related to NPD), so I can relate to a lot of what you said. A lot. It really affects you when your entire life is about taking care of the emotional needs of your parent.

For my mom, she never really changed, but our relationship changed. In the end she became a pretty great grandmother, and we found a common bond there. I'm really glad that happened, because when our oldest kids were 2 she died in a car accident. One day she was here, the next day she was gone. Despite all the pain she caused, I miss her terribly. I see her now for the mix of good and bad that she was, and over time I appreciate the good more and more, and forgive the bad (or the illness) more and more as well.

I'd encourage you NOT to break all ties with your mom--it may be what you need in the long run, but you're making a big decision (and drawing a line in the sand) when you're still hurting and grieving. People don't make good decisions in times of grief and pain. Instead, I would give yourself a little break from her. Just stay away from her for now, and let yourself heal. Don't let your anger become toxic, and don't lash out. Just remove yourself from it all for a while, and focus on the relationships you find healthy and enriching.

As for healing...therapy. Therapy. Therapy. It's made a world of difference for me. I never realized how much my mom's twisted treatment of me as a child, teen, and adult affected my every day life--my marriage, my emotions, my insecurities, my fears, my ability to trust, and even my parenting. My dh and I went to therapy together, so we could both work on our issues (thanks, parents! . With my mom's BPD and my dh's mom's narcissistic tendencies, we had a lot of re-learning and re-wiring to do.

Best of luck to you. I found for myself that I couldn't heal on my own. No book or any amount of self-help did the trick. I needed the kind help of a professional, and it made all the difference in my life.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#23 of 26 Old 03-03-2008, 05:48 PM
 
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I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and all the family stuff.

The only thing I can say is that take your relationship with your mother one day at a time. I don't want to hijack your thread, but with DH's parents it took us over 3 years to completely cut ties with his family and even now a year and a half later we both have moments where we think about them, especially when they couldn't even be bothered to send a card for our loss.
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#24 of 26 Old 03-03-2008, 06:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I like the therapy idea best of all. It is so important. And I am planning to continue completely avoiding all contact with her. This is not something that just occurred to me since the miscarriage---she has been totally toxic for years now. About three years ago, when she left me stranded during the last trimester of my very difficult pregnancy, when I had pneumonia and was totally without help for a week (and even without a car), and had two little kids to watch....when she did that walk-out, totally abandoning me because of course she thought we were not treating her well (a load of crapola), I cut off all ties with her for a long time. It was great. Very refreshing! Very healing. But then my kids kind of sucked me into making contact again, and I was like, I'll do it for their sakes, they should have a grandparent, blah blah blah. But of course, she is an awful grandmother. She hates females, so she gives me oldest DD almost as much grief as she gives me (just constant crap and criticism), and she didn't treat the other kids too great either, actually. She treated me horribly, just one rung lower than a slave and one rung higher than dog poop! We would invite her over all the time for meals, and take her to the beach with us, and half the time she would end up leaving in a tantrum, because we were not serving her or doing things for her. In fact, we actually expected her to do radical things like bringing in her plate after dinner, lending a hand occasionally, take a look at my latest sewing project, etc. The only thing that made her happy was talking about herself or receiving gifts. BLECH.

She has been so totally toxic for so long. And I don't know why it took me so many years to discover that she has narcissistic personality disorder. And she has it BAD! Also hates all females....which makes for an interesting mix. Picture someone about 64 years old, dressed in crummy men's clothing, talking about herself or having tantrums or criticizing the heck out of us. BLECH. I refuse to have any more of her toxic presence in my life or in my children's lives. She is so mentally ill, and it's sad, because she lives a really crappy life filled with hate. But darn it, it is her problem. Everyone in the family has tried to help her at some point, and some of us had invested a lot, but as far as she is concerned, it is the rest of the world who has the problem, not her. Isn't that always the way, with mental ilness? God forbid I ever become like that!!

Therapy. Yes.
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#25 of 26 Old 03-13-2008, 11:42 AM
 
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Freestyler While my situation is not completely the same it's pretty darn similar. My biological dad sounds like he could be the twin of your mom, though he's never been diagnosed with any disorders. When my DD was born I went through a time with him where it was all about how I had wronged him, blah blah blah. So I made the decidsion that I was cutting him off for good. I couldn't tolerate the hurt and I wasn't going to let him do to my child what he had done to me for years. It was a really hard decision to make b/c how does one just totally cut off someone that has been in your life forever? But I must say it's the best decision I've ever made. There is rarely time that I don't think about him, but I know I've made the right choice. My DD has no idea he even exsists and I'm just fine with that.

Ideas for overcoming the years of toxic behavior. I went to therapy and it made a world of difference. Surround yourself with people that understand the dynamics of the relationship and who support your decision. I also got on anti-depressants...that's a personal choice, but I wouldn't have made it without them. And MOST IMPORTANT...remember this isn't your fault and just your knowledge of this behavior will keep you from ever being like that. {{HUGS}}
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#26 of 26 Old 03-13-2008, 06:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for sharing your story, Elmophant! It really does sound similar. Ugh. I am sorry you had to go through that too. Thank you for the reminder that it is NOT MY FAULT. Because I need that reminder! Toxic, narcissistic people like my mom always think it is the other person who has the problem/caused an argument/mistreated them, etc. And after a while, like after hearing that for 40 years, holy cow, you start to believe it on some level. My dad was abusive (physically, sexually and verbally), and there is already enough to overcome with that, even though he died when I was 12. (Committed suicide. Thank goodness his bipolar disorder is NOT something I inherited!). So there is already that whole messed up low self-esteem/abandonment issues, and so on, and I have done well getting through that with therapy and spiritual practice. But now there is MORE abandonment, and more abuse from my mom, and I'm like, holy crap, I can't take it anymore. I SO need to get these poisonous people out of my life. Thank goodness she is OUT of my life.

One thing though: our oldest DD who is 10, managed to get my mom's phone number, and has been calling her. I told DD that while she is free to call DH's parents and jaw all day with them, she is no longer allowed to call my mom. I cannot stand the intrusion of our privacy that it represents, because of course DD tells my mom EVERYTHING that is going on whether it's OK with me or not. I want those ties completely cut. My mom, by the way, has always mistreated our oldest DD, because my mom hates girls and always mistreated me too.

If our oldest DD keeps calling her, I will probably have to let her have some pretty hefty consequences. She only calls when she is bored---it is not that she is much attached to my mom, but she likes to yack on the phone instead of, say, practicing piano or doing a chore. :

Well, here's to healing!! Thank you to the great mammas who shared their hearts with me. I love you ladies!
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