well it is well before the butt crack of dawn, i am sitting in my dark living room, because i don't know what else to do. about 2 hours ago i woke to feed DD, then couldn't go back to sleep. Then at about 5, my mom calls and gives me the news i have been dreading my grandpa has died. The man who served as my father is gone.
Rewind to yesterday when both my mom and grandma call and tell me he is in the hospital again. He has been in and out for well over a year. Both offer to give me his phone number, i decline. I ask grandma when he is expected to come home, she says sunday, if the nurses don't kick him out sooner. or if he doesn't insist on coming home earlier (which he usually does). so i figure i will just talk to him later. he doesn't enjoy talking on the phone anyways. and i can't visit him with DD, she isn't allowed in.
I feel so bad because i didn't call. i was feeling yucky yesterday and just didn't want to do anything. I know he understands, but it is going to be very hard to deal with that for quite a while.
so here it is just past 6, i can't sleep, i can't pack a bag because DH and DD are still sleeping, i can't eat because of this stupid nausea. so here i am on MDC throwing a line out to the fishes. hoping that someone will relate.
i feel like i should embroider a hankie for him, is that really weird? maybe it is more for me, kind of a letting go, or maybe a holding on. anyways enough rambling, thanks for reading.