Another perspective on grief from Byron Katie - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 04-02-2008, 04:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is a quote from A Thousand Names For Joy by Byron Katie
"I have a friend who, after doing inquiry [The Work] sincerely for a number of years, came to understand that the world is a reflection of mind. She was married to a man who was the love of her life, and one day, while they were sitting on the couch, he had a heart attack and died in her arms. After the first shock and the tears, she began looking for grief, and there was none. For weeks she kept looking for grief, because her friends told her that grief was a necessary part of the healing process. And all she felt was a completeness: that there was nothing of him that she'd had while he was physically with her that she didn't have now.
She told me that every time a sad thought about him appeared, she would immediately ask, "Is it true?" and see the turnaround, which washed away the sadness and replaced it with what was truer. "He was my best friend; I have no one to talk to now" became "I am my best friend; I have me to talk to now." "I'll miss his wisdom" became "I don't miss his wisdom"; there was no way she could miss it; because she was that wisdom. Everything she thought she'd had in him she could find in herself; there was no difference. And because he turned out to be her, he couldn't die. Without the story of life and death, she said, there was just love. He was always with her."
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#2 of 8 Old 04-02-2008, 04:31 PM
 
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That is beautiful, thank you for posting - I see many similarities in the way I feel about my mother. Every time I start to feel sad I think about how whole she is now, and I also feel completeness. Everything I thought I had in her I also found in me. I still wish I could talk to her, its just not the same talking to myself, I don't get nearly as excited as she did ... but its ok. I know she is safe and whole and happy and there is nothing more in the world that I want.

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
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#3 of 8 Old 04-02-2008, 04:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, I can't say I'm 100% there, myself...but what a wonderful state of mind to aspire to
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#4 of 8 Old 04-02-2008, 05:21 PM
 
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I'm not quite that zen (forgive the casual use of the word ), but I do think that description of loss is a good one. I felt a remarkable lack of grief at times, to the point where I'd feel guilty for feeling so peaceful about James' loss and start hunting around my mind for the more "legit" feelings of grief.

Everyone feels differently...not everyone feels pain and sadness all the time. I firmly believe James was in me, beside me, and around me, making sure that my feelings were more of peace and acceptance rather than pain and grief. Don't get me wrong...it hurt...but not like everyone/tv/media/books tell you it's "supposed to."

I'm thankful that his joy, his happiness, seems to have stayed with us as a shield against the pain of losing him.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#5 of 8 Old 04-02-2008, 06:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, ROM, I am a Zen monk, and I don't always feel that 'zen' either
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#6 of 8 Old 04-09-2008, 03:26 PM
 
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I think it has really helped me having my mother actually tell me in words how much she was looking forward to this next phase of her being. - I feel so lucky to have that.

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
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#7 of 8 Old 04-09-2008, 04:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by laoxinat View Post
Yeah, I can't say I'm 100% there, myself...but what a wonderful state of mind to aspire to
Wow I agree.
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#8 of 8 Old 04-25-2008, 10:32 AM
 
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I wanted to thank you for your post. My dad died last sunday and i've been up and down but i think i've found my happy place. When i feel sad i centre myself and become aware of my dad as part of me, it really helps.

Vikki

Mummy to T 06/04, L 08/06, R 08/09
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