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#1 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 12:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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(I am a long term member hiding behind this identity because I am ashamed of what I've done )

I don't know where to go from here or how to heal. It has been months and some days I still feel raw. I have a six year old child whom I love more than life. I went through a hellish post-partum depression and was diagnosed with bipolar. I went on meds. I spent several years getting ready to go through another pregnancy. I really wanted a sibling for my child, and I also wanted another baby to hold. I knew it might be hard, but I was so determined.

I got pregnant and immediately fell apart. The pregnancy-safe meds didn't seem to be working. I was thrown back into full-blown depression with tons of anxiety thrown in for good measure. Maybe even post-traumatic stress disorder. In short, I was a complete mess. It was the holidays and I couldn't get an appt with my pdoc or my family doc. I was in a panic, and honestly I wasn't myself at all. I was paranoid and afraid for my life (if you don't have bipolar, I'm sure this sounds completely crazy).

My husband was so scared watching me go through this, and after several days (and unable to get help), I scheduled an abortion. This is NOT something I would normally agree with. I sobbed hysterically at the clinic and they nearly refused to do it because I was such a mess.

Now it has been months and I am completely heart broken. My husband had a vasectomy because he is terrified to ever go through that experience again. I hate myself and I feel deep guilt every day. I killed my baby. The one I desperately wanted. I'm on medication, but I am still so depressed. No one in my family knows what happened. And now I am dealing with 2 close family members who are due with babies exactly when I should be having mine.

My child is 6 and growing up more every day. I cry so much knowing I'll never hold a baby again. I had my chance. I don't know what to do. I fear this is going to kill me.
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#2 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 12:09 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your pain
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#3 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 12:11 AM
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you did the best you could at the time
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#4 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 12:44 AM
 
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I am so sorry you're in so much pain.
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#5 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 12:51 AM
 
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I am so sorry mama. Have you talked to someone other then here? A real live person?
You need to try and be easy on yourself. Depression and anxiety are so hard to handle (I have PPD and anxiety myself).

Much love

H

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#6 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 03:47 AM
 
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So much love to you, dear, sweet mama. I also have BPII and suffered from horrific PPD after the birth of my 2nd child.

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time with this. I had something happen that I am not comfortable talking about on here right now, but it involved my kids, my divorce, and what was the best I could do at the time. It took me 4 years to deal with it, cope with it, forgive myself, and finally, finally, realize that I did the best I could AT THE TIME.

That's the place you need to get to, and then you will be able to begin to heal. It can be a hard road, a very hard road, but you can get there.

PLEASE pm me to talk if you ever need. I understand what it's like to have the anxiety and paranoia that can come with BP. I can understand the panic and the feelings you had that made it a necessary decision for you AT THE TIME. It's so hard sometimes to have an illness like BP, it's so hard to let go of hating that it is part of you that you cannot fix, like somehow a part of you is broken. It is and it isn't but people who don't have it don't get it, and it's so freaking hard.

I am hurting for you,
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#7 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 08:04 PM
 
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You did what you believed was best for you and your family. You made the best choice you could at the time.

I am so sorry for the grief and pain you are feeling now. I hope that in time, your heart will heal.

Cindy, part-time family doc, full-time Mommy to Jared (2/04) and Connor (2/08) :
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#8 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 08:51 PM
 
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I wish you peace and healing, brokenheart.

Mommy to a wonderfully passionate little one
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#9 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 09:13 PM
 
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Your life was in danger. It was hard, but you helped to preserve your family. I hope nobody judges you negatively for that .

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#10 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 09:20 PM
 
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It's okay to grieve a baby that was lost through an abortion, even if in the same circumstances you would do it again. Have you checked out www.afterabortion.com ? It is a non-religious site for women suffering from post abortion trauma.
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#11 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 09:34 PM
 
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I'm so sorry I terminated babies that I wanted also because it was what was best for my family. It just happened on March 14th. You just have to be there and capable to parent that child that is here, no matter what. If you are unable to care for your child or be sane, what are you supposed to do? The reason that I terminated was that I couldn't care for my children while carrying a such a high risk pregnancy. It haunts me everyday and I'll never feel right with it, but I know that I did what I could for my family.

It really helped to talk with people about it. Hiding the feelings make them feel worse. I told my friends and nobody shunned me. I even told my pro-lifer mother and she supported me even though she was crushed. It really, really helped to talk. If you can't find a friend to talk with, talk to a counselor. You have no reason to feel ashamed. You are not alone and it's not just irresponsible teens who have to go through this. Loving mothers have to make these decisions too.

s
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#12 of 57 Old 05-14-2008, 11:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone View Post
you did the best you could at the time
Exactly this.
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#13 of 57 Old 05-15-2008, 12:59 AM
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I hope you find peace. No judgment here.
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#14 of 57 Old 05-15-2008, 01:17 AM
 
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I don't know what to say, mama. I wish you peace and strength.
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#15 of 57 Old 05-15-2008, 01:18 AM
 
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I have no words. I just wish I was there to hold you.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#16 of 57 Old 05-15-2008, 01:26 AM
 
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Deep peace to you

There's nothing you can know that isn't known. ~ John Lennon
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#17 of 57 Old 05-15-2008, 01:35 AM
 
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I am so sorry . . . I have struggled with bipolar disorder in the past, and I know how frightening it can be. I truly hope you have someone you can turn to to help you heal. Peace be with you, mama.

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#18 of 57 Old 05-15-2008, 01:43 AM
 
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I am sorry the clinic went ahead with it when you obviously were not in any shape to concent.

 
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#19 of 57 Old 05-15-2008, 08:47 AM
 
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I'm sorry for the loss of your dream baby. I totally understand how you came to the decision you did. Please be gentle with yourself at this time. We care about you .

Reneé, 33 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 nocirc.gif and Arianna 9/06 gd.gif angel1.gifangel1.gif (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 blowkiss.gif.  TTC a little rainbow rainbow1284.gifchartnew.gif http://www.FertilityFriend.com/home/4e4ac9 Currently in the 2WW 
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#20 of 57 Old 05-15-2008, 10:37 AM
 
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I wish you peace and healing...it will take a long time to get there, but some day it won't be as raw. Reach out for help...it's not an easy road to go down alone. You are in my prayers...
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#21 of 57 Old 05-16-2008, 12:52 AM
 
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Peace and healing to you. You did what you felt was best for your family, so you acted from a place of love.
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#22 of 57 Old 05-16-2008, 01:17 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you went through and continue to go through this mama. You sound absolutely heart broken.

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#23 of 57 Old 05-16-2008, 10:01 AM
 
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Peace to you.....
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#24 of 57 Old 05-16-2008, 11:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your replies everyone. I agree that I acted the only way I felt I could at the time. Part of my guilt is that I no longer feel that I can be a good mom to my child. I am so wracked with sadness that I don't even want to try most days. Thank God for my husband. He is practically like a single dad right now.

I feel taunted by life. Everywhere around me (literally everywhere) there are excited people looking forward to new babies, or currently enjoying their babies. I can't escape it. It is in my face all day at work and it is even in my close family. Celebrations. Joy. And then there is me. My stomach lurches at every thought/mention of these babies. How ironic that my own brother will be welcoming his first baby three days after what should have been my due date. And I will be in charge of that baby shower.

I never ever again will be able to experience these things myself. I know it may sound silly, but I had so many plans. I saved all the little baby clothes. I had researched midwives. Etc, etc. Now I have to listen (and pretend to be happy) while all these pregnant woman talk endlessly about these things I will never again have.

I feel like my soul is crushed. My DH says I need to accept it and be thankful for my one child. I can't explain this...but I just can't seem to accept it. In fact, looking at my child is painful. I'm reminded that they will never have a sibling (thanks to me). That they are growing up and far past the baby stage. In only a few short years I'll have a teenager. I just feel sick most days and I seriously don't want to go on. Why did I get myself into this mess.
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#25 of 57 Old 05-17-2008, 12:49 AM
 
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brokenheart, more hugs for you. Can you just tell your brother that you are very sorry but you cannot be in charge of the baby shower? I know that is not the biggest thing here by far, but it is something that you have some control over.

Mommy to a wonderfully passionate little one
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#26 of 57 Old 05-17-2008, 01:08 AM
 
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I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I hope you find some healing for yourself and for your family.

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#27 of 57 Old 05-17-2008, 01:26 AM
 
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you're in a tough spot and i feel for you. i think i've heard that when you lose a child, you never get over the pain, but if you can let the pain be with you, and learn to live with it, it can feel better with time. i'm praying for your peace.

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#28 of 57 Old 05-17-2008, 08:12 AM
 
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I would encourage you to seek professional help to process your feelings of grief and loss. It is not unusual for people to need a year or two to reach an emotional equilibrium after a bereavement, which is what you went through.

I wonder why you feel that your child can never have a sibling. I have friends who have adopted children after having biological children. Can you and your husband open your minds to the possibility that you may one day adopt a baby, or even an older child? That way you would not have to go off your meds during pregnancy and nursing.

Welcoming a child into your family through adoption is just as much of a miracle as birthing a baby. I am not saying that you should rush out and do this now, but I hope you will consider it after seeking treatment for depression.

Your brain is telling you that you can never have another baby and your six-year-old can never have a sibling, but that just isn't true.
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#29 of 57 Old 05-17-2008, 10:46 PM
 
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Your life was in danger. It was hard, but you helped to preserve your family. I hope nobody judges you negatively for that .
I agree with this.
I'm so sorry for your pain.

I am one of those people for whom pregnancy triggers very severe depression. I almost didn't make it through my 2nd pregnancy for many reasons. If my mental health situation had gotten to the level that yours seems to have, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. Nobody can understand that until they have been there.
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#30 of 57 Old 05-17-2008, 10:49 PM
 
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No words but many .
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