She was always very adamant about about what she wanted after she died. No funeral, cremation, and to have "Wish you were here" played at her memorial. I never thought it would happen so soon.
A little background: My mom had me at 15, married, divorced when I was 5, moved in with my step dad immediately. She was always a hard party gal. They had lots of parties and she went to bars often, but she knew when to stop and when to be a mom. Since I had my daughter, 9 years ago, she changed gradually. Started smoking to lose weight, starting hanging out at biker bars, got more and more negative, lived a separate life away from my step-dad, just wasn't herself anymore. I thought she had a time accepting that she was aging.
My mom was 45 and a 1/2. July 3 was her friends birthday. She drank most the day and at 3 am, had an overdose of cocaine and went into a seizure, which then turned into a heart attack in the ambulance. They did cpr for 25 minutes and got her heart back. I showed up at about 6 am after my stepdad called me. She was on life support and waiting for heart surgery. After a stint was put in, she lived until about 1pm, when another heart attack finally took her. I wasn't there when she finally died. I was on my way back after going home to see the kids and shower. In a way, I'm glad I wasn't there. I'm already having a hard enough time remembering her on life support.
It's so hard to accept. I feel like this is my third time mourning my mom. I mourned that I didn't have a "normal" mom. I mourned when she changed. I'm mourning that for the rest of my life, I have to live without hearing her voice or laugh, or even her criticism and that my children won't remember her. I think my 9 year old will, but I don't think the other two will. And what memories Nadia has will be vague.
I wish we had more pictures, more videos, more time. Why didn't we do more together? I'm at least thankful that I did talk to her about her lifestyle and changes. I tried to get her to make a life change that would make her happy. I'm thankful that I made my peace with her before she died. I forgave her for the criticism, the judgement, for trying to turn me into her, and for not giving me a "normal" childhood. I am who I am because of all my life experiences.
I'm thankful that I met my husband over 3 years ago. Thanks to him I have faith and I believe that life does not end with death. He has enhanced my life so much. If it weren't for that belief, I would be a wreck right now.
MDC has been such a great support and resource to me. I don't like telling people how my mom died. I hope by sharing her story, I will save someone. Look for the signs. My mom probably would have said she didn't have a problem. She would have said that she was in control and she would quit soon. I think it would have been a lie. I knew she had a bunch of payday loans, I knew that her personality change, and she was often anxious when we were together. I'm sure there were more. I trusted that my mom made better decisions. I was wrong.
Thank you so much for reading this. I wish I didn't have a reason to write.
Wendy - mom to dd1(11), dd2(7), dd3(3)