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#1 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 01:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel a lot of resentment and jealousy lately. Honestly I didn't come around here for a month or so, because while I value the community and the outpouring of support I've received from you guys, I get so mad and sad when I see anything relating to babies or toddlers (really, parents and children in general). I can't pass the playground without a breakdown. I can't go to the coffeeshop without a blindfold.

I no longer communicate with close friends that have children, because I can't take it. As much as I need their wisdom and strength, I can't talk to them without secretly hating them because their lives are intact.

Everything I've done with my life has been a failure, it seems. I look at my group of friends, at my peers, and everyone else did what they were "supposed" to do, and now they have the lives they're "supposed" to have. My husband and I followed our hearts and our big dreams, failed miserably, found each other, and by some miracle were blessed with a beautiful son who was ripped from our arms after just 20 months on this earth.

It'll be 6 months he's been gone. It seems like it's just getting worse. I recently found out I'm having infertility issues due to endometriosis, and I can't afford the copay for the laparoscopy that the doc says would give me a small window where conception might be possible.
MIGHT be possible?! We didn't even TRY to have Lucas; he just came! Now we start trying, and we CAN'T??

I will never know why he had a brain tumor, how it got there in the first place, or why the doctors couldn't save him even though his type of tumor was one of the most survivable. I will never live another day without wondering what the hell happened to him, and what my role in his demise truly was.

On cleaning days, we'll be going through stuff and we'll come across a remnant of what our life used to be like. A toy, an object he used to like to play with, a piece of clothing we didn't pack up. It seems like a million years ago, like a dream. We find these little pieces of a life that we used to have - he was OUR LIFE, and one day, poof, he was gone. What do we do now?

I go to work, and stagger through, and I slip out the back door or into the bathroom every hour or so, and just let a few tears out, because they come whether I'm in public or not. I've been trying to meditate, to be Zen about it, but it's too raw. I've asked for peace in my heart, and I'm not finding it. There are not enough drugs in the world to make this stop hurting.

I'm like this every day. I don't see an end.
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#2 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 01:36 PM
 
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Oh dear sweet mama. I don't know how you can feel anything but what you are feeling. It sucks so bad. It is so horrifically unfair. There's really nothing I can say. I just wanted to tell you you've been heard.
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#3 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 01:37 PM
 
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I'm so sorry... I don't know what to say
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#4 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 01:43 PM
 
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kt, you remain in my prayers.
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#5 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 03:36 PM
 
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kt. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts go your way.

Pam, momma to Sofie Avye Seth
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#6 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.



and
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#7 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 03:47 PM
 
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No words just prayers....................
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#8 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 04:01 PM
 
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Praying for you.

Mommy to our Twin Miracles babygirl.gifbabyboy.gif born on 29/1/12

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#9 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 05:47 PM
 
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A million 's. I am so sorry. Keeping you in my thoughts.
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#10 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 06:12 PM
 
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oh ktbug. I can't believe it has been 6 months. I still don't know what to say, and the reason is that as you know, there are no words. only tears. i'm so, so, so sorry.

Mama to 2 sweet gorgeous children, a 4-year-old DS and a 1-year-old DD.
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#11 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 06:13 PM
 
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Sending you hugs and prayers...

Traditional Catholic, aspiring to everyday sanctity. Mama to two amazing girls. Wife to my best friend.
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#12 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 06:46 PM
 
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Oh sweet Katie. You are absolutely not a failure, I just know that. And you are actually coping, you're still here, you're still reaching out. I'm sending you a million hugs. This pain is agonizing and will most likely be endless. People say that it lessens some with time. I'm really, really sorry Katie.

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
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#13 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 07:13 PM
 
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#14 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 10:45 PM
 
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What happened to you, your husband and Lucas was not fair. I can't imagine a reason for it or anything good to come of it. He was such a precious child.

I do think that you're going to have to forgive yourself for whatever you think that you may have done wrong. You have to talk, talk, talk with your husband so that you both grieve together.


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#15 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 11:13 PM
 
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I've been thinking of you. Know that your sweet Lucas touched many lives.

-Angela
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#16 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 11:17 PM
 
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There aren't enough s mama. I am so sorry.
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#17 of 147 Old 10-14-2008, 11:25 PM
 
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kt, I still think of you and Lucas often. Please take care of yourself.
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#18 of 147 Old 10-15-2008, 03:15 AM
 
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oh katie. i am lost for words too. all i have is deep sadness in my heart.

can you join a support group of bereaved parents. from the hospital perhaps. please katie you cant do this alone. you cannot recover from deep pain just by yourself. we are human beings. we are meant to depend on others - not just hang in there by ourselves.

and reading between the lines it seems there is also a greater issue that goes far deeper than just lucas. you are also greiving (this is my guess) abandonment issues - how everything precious seems to be taken away from you. like you said "Everything I've done with my life has been a failure, it seems." ... followed your heart and failed (but found dh)... then you have a sweet little boy who loves putting two paci's in his mouth and he gets ripped away and now trying to heal there is a question if you will ever get pregnant again. one after the other.

in its due time meditation and zen will help - but now it seems you just need someone to cry with. someone who understands your pain.

this pain has the power to draw you down and destroy you. are you going to allow it? are you going to let it drag you down so deep that no one will be able to get you out of it. what do you think lucas will want?

hugs mama. i cannot even fathom your pain. but you are a strong mama for having watched your son die. but i just cant imagine you doing this alone.

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#19 of 147 Old 10-15-2008, 09:40 AM
 
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I think you are expecting too much of yourself right now mama Nothing about losing a beloved child is "normal" but the feelings you are having are so common and so much part of having had such an enormous loss. I know they feel awful but there is nothing wrong with you. Please don't be upset with yourself about what you feel.

I agree that perhaps a berevement group can help, just knowing that there are others feeling the same thing. If you can't face an in person one, SHARE and MISS are online organizations that have boards like this one, with others who have lost children. They were my lifeline in those early days after my loss. 6 months is such a short time, if you are breathing and eating enough to survive and making it to work at all you are coping as well as can be expected, be gentle with yourself, it will eventually be bearable. You'll never stop missing him but it won't always feel this way.

Lucas
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#20 of 147 Old 10-15-2008, 10:16 AM
 
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*hugs*

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

There's nothing that I can say to make this any better for you, but I want you to know that I read your story, and that I'm sending you big hugs and good thoughts.

Take care,
El
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#21 of 147 Old 10-15-2008, 11:51 AM
 
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kt, I think about you every day and remember your sweet boy. even though we never communicated directly on MDC, I know your screenname well. I loved your vaccination posts, etc. and I check on you from time to time to see if there are any new posts and wonder how you are doing. I think on MDC we feel a kinship as mothers regardless of if we've even spoken IRL.

My heart is breaking in half for you and your family. I have no words, no explanation, and my own confusion as to why this happens in the world.
Not sure if its appropriate, but if you are comfortable sharing how much the co-pay is, I am interested in donating some money to you to help you reach that goal. Maybe some other MDC mamas would be interested as well.

I also agree to be gentle with yourself. You did everything you could do. You are a proactive mama in everyway, which not only benefitted Lucas but also mamas like me that learned from your knowledge. I imagine all the what ifs are overwhelming. Sometimes horrific unfair stuff happens regardless of what we do. I do not believe you had any "role in his demise." You had a role in nurturing, enjoying, and loving that baby more than some kids get in a whole long life.

Anyhow, I said I have no words and then I went ahead and said some stuff anyhow. If its totally wrong, forgive me. My heart is in the right place and I just want so desperately to reach out to you.


XOXO
B

mama to Milena Anjali (4/26/06) and Vincent Asher (4/13/09) ~ married to the love of my life since 2002.
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#22 of 147 Old 10-15-2008, 12:06 PM
 
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huge huge hugs to you. I just had our six months as our boys died just 15 days apart.

we are here for you. crying with you.

eta just realized Lucas was what 14 months old? that would be difficult. I'm SO sorry. he is GORGEOUS!! cutie pie.

hugs again.

wife since 1992; mom to: J 7-95; H 5-98; C 2-03; S 4-05; Micah Zachary born still UC 4-08; UM 9-08; due June 2010
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#23 of 147 Old 10-15-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

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#24 of 147 Old 10-15-2008, 01:39 PM
 
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I'm sorry just so incredibly sorry. What you are going through is unbearable and I don't know how anyone could handle it well (whatever that means). I think of you often. There's so much I wish I could express to you.....

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#25 of 147 Old 10-15-2008, 06:09 PM
 
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Katie,

I think about you often, even though we've never actually "known" each other on MDC. I'm so sorry for all the pain you feel and all you've been through. Lucas was such a beautiful boy. It's just unbelievable that he left this world so young.

Six months is a short time. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to function very well if I were in your shoes.

Please go easy on yourself.
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#26 of 147 Old 10-16-2008, 09:01 AM
 
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I know it seems like it's been forever since you lost your precious baby, but six months really has been a very sort time in the grief process. I just want to let you know what you are feeling is very common.

The first year after my daughter died, I didn't think I was going to make it.
Sometimes I felt like I was numb and in fog, and other times it felt like it like she had just died.

It's okay to be angry and feel you've been cheated, because you have. It's okay to cry, and even scream. It's better to get your feelings out than holding them in. Trying to be calm and zen-like is fine for normal circumstances, but this is not normal for you. We found we had to create a "new normal" which would be much different than it was before Courtney died.

Meditating did and has helped me, but I don't try to be calm or to empty my mind. I just sit quietly and let my mind wander. Sometimes there are memories that bring tears, but that's fine. My memories are precious to me.

I did a lot of journaling and now I can look back at my words and see how far I've come.

I started a scrapbook about Courtney's death and now 8 years, her story is still continuing. I thought it too would end, but new things keep coming that go into her book... stories, cards, memories.

As far as your ability to have other children, remember, doctor's don't know everything. We lost our first child, Patrick, in the 21st week of pregnancy and then were told we couldn't have anymore children, and the doctor actually told us to find something else to do with our lives.

But a year and 3 weeks after Patrick was due, Christopher was born and is now 27 years old with a family of his own. Courtney arrived 3 years later.

Never give up hope. Doctors don't determine if a child will come into your life, I completely believe that babies decide if they will come into our lives.

Keep talking, writing, sharing, and remembering. It often takes re-living the loss over and over again to find the ability to cope and deal with the death.

You will never get over it, closure is something that never happens, but you will get better at handling it.

Blessings, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Cindi

Quote:
Originally Posted by ktbug View Post
I feel a lot of resentment and jealousy lately. Honestly I didn't come around here for a month or so, because while I value the community and the outpouring of support I've received from you guys, I get so mad and sad when I see anything relating to babies or toddlers (really, parents and children in general). I can't pass the playground without a breakdown. I can't go to the coffeeshop without a blindfold.

I no longer communicate with close friends that have children, because I can't take it. As much as I need their wisdom and strength, I can't talk to them without secretly hating them because their lives are intact.

Everything I've done with my life has been a failure, it seems. I look at my group of friends, at my peers, and everyone else did what they were "supposed" to do, and now they have the lives they're "supposed" to have. My husband and I followed our hearts and our big dreams, failed miserably, found each other, and by some miracle were blessed with a beautiful son who was ripped from our arms after just 20 months on this earth.

It'll be 6 months he's been gone. It seems like it's just getting worse. I recently found out I'm having infertility issues due to endometriosis, and I can't afford the copay for the laparoscopy that the doc says would give me a small window where conception might be possible.
MIGHT be possible?! We didn't even TRY to have Lucas; he just came! Now we start trying, and we CAN'T??

I will never know why he had a brain tumor, how it got there in the first place, or why the doctors couldn't save him even though his type of tumor was one of the most survivable. I will never live another day without wondering what the hell happened to him, and what my role in his demise truly was.

On cleaning days, we'll be going through stuff and we'll come across a remnant of what our life used to be like. A toy, an object he used to like to play with, a piece of clothing we didn't pack up. It seems like a million years ago, like a dream. We find these little pieces of a life that we used to have - he was OUR LIFE, and one day, poof, he was gone. What do we do now?

I go to work, and stagger through, and I slip out the back door or into the bathroom every hour or so, and just let a few tears out, because they come whether I'm in public or not. I've been trying to meditate, to be Zen about it, but it's too raw. I've asked for peace in my heart, and I'm not finding it. There are not enough drugs in the world to make this stop hurting.

I'm like this every day. I don't see an end.
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#27 of 147 Old 10-16-2008, 10:24 AM
 
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Katie, i think of you often. i wish i could say something to make this all make sense and to make this all ok. obviously, i don't. but please know that you are not alone. you will make it thru. ((HUGS))
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#28 of 147 Old 10-16-2008, 10:31 AM
 
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: My heart aches for you. Like PPs, I don't know what to say--there are no words, just prayers.

Wife to DH 6/05 partners.gif and mommy to DD1, born 10/07 dust.gif and DD2, born June 2010 energy.gif, and one cat.gif! We bftoddler.gif, familybed2.gif, and homeschool.gif

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#29 of 147 Old 10-16-2008, 11:36 AM
 
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#30 of 147 Old 10-16-2008, 03:53 PM
 
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I think your you and your sweet son often. Even when you are going through your grief you found a way to reach out to me when I needed it. You are a strong woman. I couldn't imagine losing one of my babies. I wish I could take it all away.
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