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No gifts and party favor free - Am I crazy?

2K views 40 replies 28 participants last post by  LionLady13 
#1 ·
DD wants to have a b-day party this year.(She hasn't had one since she was 1) So, I would like to give her one, but I really want it to be gift free and party favor free. Is this completely unreasonable? Since when did parties get so complicated? What happened to the good 'ole days of cake, ice cream, a kick ball and a sprinkler? Now, it seems like there is a theme, activities, gifts, face painting, party favors/loot bags...

She hasn't been to many parties, just a few recently. I see her eyes light up when she gets a goody bag and it just doesn't sit right with me(especially the cheap plastic crap - what about being environmentally conscience?). What if she doesn't give out favors? Will her friends be disappointed? I want it to be pure, fun among friends without the need of commercializing it into gifts. BTW, it will probably only be about 7 kids.

Any thoughts?
 
#2 ·
what does SHE want? If she wants favors then I think you should do them, if she wants gifts then I think you should do them, you could try steering her towards a book exchange party or an animal shelter party (where ppl bring donations for the shelter in lieu of gifts). But if the party is for her, then it should be what she wants. You can do goody bags/favors that are not crap. I just saw someone who did a box of crayons with a balloon attached and a sticker that says thanks for coming to my party. Crayons and a balloon, cheap, easy and makes kids happy.
 
#3 ·
gosh i see how much kids LOOOOOOOOOOVE favours and i cant help but get them some. last bday gave out pot of dirt with marigold seeds, one horse and one lollipop. the kids LOVED them. i didnt have the time to get the stuff to decorate the pots which was my initial intention. i think i spent like two bucks on each child.
 
#5 ·
If she's expecting gifts but you've said no gifts, I imagine she'll be very disappointed. I would talk to her about it before hand, and if she's not on board with no gifts, then I wouldn't force the issue. ALso know that while you may *say* no gifts, many people will at least bring something small. You may think about letting people know she needs books or art supplies, or something that you know she would get value from, or make it a "3R" party and ask that people bring a "recycled" gift - something they are ready to pass on or something gently used. Then you and your DD can pick what she wants to keep and what she would like to donate to a charity.

As for the no party favors, I'm with you 100%. My only compromise is that I'll have a craft to do/make AT the party, and the kids can take it home with them. Either planting something or making something crafty. I've heard of parties where the kids get to decorate 2 cupcakes - one to have at the party and one to take home. I think that's a nice favor - edible, so no waste, and can be shared with siblings who didn't get to come.
 
#6 ·
We do no gift, no loot bag parties. It has not been a problem at all. Dd has been on board. The loot bag thing is not even something I thought was a "requirement" until I read it on here. We are very concerned about waste, consumerism, and fair labor practices so even something small like crayons and pencils just seems like waste to me. I know dd has so many crayons that just end up here from all over (I do not think I have bought her a single pack) that she could not use them up over the entire course of her childhood. Same with stickers. I am pretty sure most kids we know are in the same boat. And nothing ticks me off more than bringing dd home from a party where she already is jacked up on cake, ice cream, and juice with a bag of candy to add to the rush. I am all for cake and I am all for fun food at a party, but why heap more on for later? It had not occurred to me that any of our guests would have been disappointed by not bringing something home. Isn't a party enough? And I guess if they are disappointed, too bad


As for the gifts, I have put a lot of thought into it and we have an annual discussion that includes dd. This is a harder decision for us. Dd is actually fine with no gifts. Opening them in front of an audience is overwhelming for her, her small room is already too full, and she knows that her very generous extended family cannot help but go overboard. We also have HUGE birthday parties. We do the back yard, neighborhood affair where we might have 40 people from all age ranges. If each one brought a gift, we would be swamped. I know we could cut down the invite list to avoid this problem, and we have discussed this with dd. But she would prefer to have all of her friends, little and big, then get presents.

We did make the mistake of just saying "no gifts please" at the first party. There were a few people who brought them anyway making things quite awkward. The people who didn't bring them felt bad and the people who did were disappointed that they were not opened at the party. So in the following years we adopted some new wording:

"Your presence is gift enough. Please refrain from bringing gifts. If you cannot arrive empty-handed, dd has requested that you bring a donation for the animal shelter (or whatever cause dd chooses to support that year)."

Harsh, maybe. But again, I guess I really do not care. I am not going to allow dd to be overwhelmed, more plastic crap to be manufactured in the name of her birthday, her room (and our living spaces) to be even more unmanageable, our values to be compromised, and her party to have a materialistic/consumeristic theme in the name of etiquette. I am OK with being rude, I guess
 
#7 ·
If you decide to do that, maybe call it a "get-together" rather than a party? Because the word "party" conjures up certain traditions. "Get-together" just sounds like people getting together, no gifts required.

My boss is NFL and kept saying NO GIFTS for his son's birthday parties. For his first party (age 2) I was totally uncertain of how to handle the NO GIFTS pronouncement. Honestly, you would think it would be straightforward, but we have such social rules. So I bought some gifts and figured I'd just leave them in the car, and only bring them in if everyone else brought gifts. Guess what? Everyone else brought gifts. I didn't want to be the only one without a gift, so we gave what we got. I was thinking "whew, good thing I got those."

The next year, they I guess figured out that people don't honor that request (NO GIFTS) and specifically requested books so that they didn't get a bunch of plastic crap. Most, but not all, honored that request.

We missed the following year's party. This year's party is coming up and the word is NO GIFTS again. In the years between, I've finally figured out what my boss really wants. He really wants no gifts. I can't believe I didn't understand that before, but I really didn't. We're going - with NO GIFTS. And I don't care this time if we're the only ones. My boss will be thrilled when we come empty handed


I share all that because even someone who is drowning in unwanted clutter given by other people, it took me time to figure this all out. People are really uncomfortable with NO GIFTS. And it's really silly!
 
#8 ·
Just wanted to say that we have been invited to several parties lately that requested no gifts, but goodie bags were given out. I like the no gift idea, some people throw parties just for presents. I must say that I don't give my kids parties(there choice), we don't have the room here and it would be so costly at a venue, so we take the kids somewhere like an indoor waterpark, disney, or some other vacation instead.
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by snoopy5386 View Post
what does SHE want? If she wants favors then I think you should do them, if she wants gifts then I think you should do them, you could try steering her towards a book exchange party or an animal shelter party (where ppl bring donations for the shelter in lieu of gifts). But if the party is for her, then it should be what she wants. You can do goody bags/favors that are not crap. I just saw someone who did a box of crayons with a balloon attached and a sticker that says thanks for coming to my party. Crayons and a balloon, cheap, easy and makes kids happy.
I was going to say this.

I know why people don't want gifts at a party, but, as a child, I would have been very sad to have a party and not receive gifts. It is one day a year - why can't a child receive gifts and have fun? Is it really going to hurt them in the long run? Why can't a child just enjoy being a child? I remember how exciting it was to rip open the paper and have a new toy to play with.

And regarding goody bags, yes, kids will be disappointed if they don't get one. It's just something they are used to and something that they really enjoy. It doesn't have to be much and it doesn't have to be junk. But kids get really excited about them. You could put some sidewalk chalk and some bubbles in a cheap sand pail and probably spend less than $2 per child. And their eyes will light up when they see it!
 
#10 ·
If dd was invited to a party that said no gifts, I would probably bring a homemade card. I don't think that would happen around here though, people here just don't do that


Neither I nor dd would blink an eye about not getting a goody bag. I'd say its 50/50 around here as to whether or not you do. She's never been upset about not getting one, and I am not offended when she does.

But re some of the comments about goodie bags- Some kids do not have millions and millions of crayons floating around their house. My daughter would LOVE a pack of new crayons right now.

So in my experience the kids won't mind not to get a goodie bag. They had fun, they played with their friends, right?
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MtBikeLover View Post

Why can't a child just enjoy being a child?
What does getting a pile of stuff have to do with being a child?

In our case, my dd DOES get birthday gifts. Lots as a matter of fact. Still more than I am comfortable with just from our family (separate from any party). I was a pretty happy child and my birthday involved three small gifts, one from each of my immediate family members to be "ripped open" after my birthday dinner are some cake.

If you have 12 kids at a birthday party and you buy 12 plastic pails, 12 packs of sidewalk chalk, and 12 bubbles, that is 36 more things (usually made by people who are not being paid a living wage with manufacturing practices that are harmful to the earth) introduced into the world that need not be. Especially since all 12 of those kids likely already have each of these items at home. A small point for most people I realize, but it is important to me.

Although I do have to say I agree with you. If my dd had a desire to have a smaller party with gifts or felt strongly about loot bags, I would accommodate that in a way we were all comfortable with. And I do like the loot bag ideas that are edible or plants.....no waste. But I do not see in any way how a child who is getting (or going to) a PARTY is somehow being tortured by the lack of a loot bag or gifts.
 
#12 ·
I think birthday parties are important for small kids. It doesn't have to be elaborate, but why with hold one of the small joys of childhood because of...what? Getting a few presents at a birthday party isn't going to make your child materialistic. (if that's what you are worried about)

My kids would be crushed if I told them they weren't allowed to get presents at their birthday parties.
 
#13 ·
She's old enough to decide for herself, in my opinion. When she's thirteen, are you going to tell her she can't have presents at her party?

I think that the other suggestions, that you offer flowers or crayons or just balloons for favors, and explain why that's better than cheap plastic toys, and then give the party a nice theme to guide gift-giving (e.g. book party, spring flower party, gardening party, make-your-own-present party, etc.) are great ideas.

Gifts are wonderful things and can be very pure expressions of love and generosity, in my opinion. I think no-gift parties are more appropriate for babies than for older children.
 
#14 ·
We did a no gift, no goodie bag party recently for my (now) 8 yr old. We held it at the local indoor pool and paid everyone's way (so that was their goodie, along with the cupcakes and pizza). My dd1 was fine with no gifts. I reminded her that Daddy and Mama and sis and grandparents would all give her something. I suggested that since she wanted to invite her whole class if she wanted to declutter 20ish items from her toy collection we could do gifts, but otherwise since she would already be getting gifts from the family maybe we could skip it this time. She picked "no gifts" and wasn't at all upset about it.

In the past for goodies we've made a mix CD of the birthday kid's favorite tunes (and encouraged folks to go buy the music by the artists they liked), or offered a craft activity that the kids could take home (kitty ears for a kitty themed party, homemade hula skirts and recycled cardboard surfboards another year).

You can be creative with it w/o adding hugely to rampant plastic junk consmerism, but as a host I thought our pool party was the most freeing yet. I just got pizza and made cupcakes and provided drinks. It was great and the kids had big fun.
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringTales View Post
I think birthday parties are important for small kids. It doesn't have to be elaborate, but why with hold one of the small joys of childhood because of...what? Getting a few presents at a birthday party isn't going to make your child materialistic. (if that's what you are worried about)

I guess this is where we differ. I do not think birthday parties are "important". Fun? Sure. Cool to do if you want to, can afford it, and have the time? Yes. Important? No. I think a kid can have a perfectly happy life without a birthday party. Gifts on top of that? Again, I am cool with others doing whatever they want, but I do not feel that gifts at a birthday party are necessary for a child to be happy, fulfilled, whatever.....

And materialism actually has nothing to do with our decision. A decision, I might add, that is made by my dd as well as dh and myself. In our case, it has more to do with living a simple life in a small house, how we feel about environmental issues, how we feel about consumerism (different than materialism IMO), the fact that our extended family gives dd many MANY birthday gifts, and the logistics of choosing to include a larger group of people in the festivities. I understand that these things might have no bearing on another family's decision.

Note that I never said all families should do as we do. I respect other's decisions and know that everyone is coming from a different place on these types of matters. I do resent the implication that I am somehow depriving my dd, that I am not allowing her to "be a child", or that I am taking the joy out of a party based on decisions that are made WITH dd.
 
#17 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by beanma View Post
I suggested that since she wanted to invite her whole class if she wanted to declutter 20ish items from her toy collection we could do gifts, but otherwise since she would already be getting gifts from the family maybe we could skip it this time. She picked "no gifts" and wasn't at all upset about it.
This is a big part of our annual discussion and decision-making process. It is a legitimate issue for our family.
 
#18 ·
We just had my son's 5th birthday party and it was no gifts/no goodie bags and it was great! We had it at a nature center with a zero-waste caterer. Most of the kids brought homemade cards instead. DS got plenty of gifts from us, both sets of grandparents and his cousins so he certainly wasn't neglected. We discussed beforehand the idea of having a party without creating any trash and he was all for it. The kids had a great time hiking in the woods, playing in the nature center and we had a private live bird show (they rehab raptors there). Our celebrations are about family, friends and good food. Not one person missed the presents or goody bags. Everyone said what a great party it was and one of the moms even scheduled her son's party there it was so much fun. I say go for it.
 
#19 ·
I switched to no gift, no goody bag parties because I got tired of throwing crap away. I felt BAD about it, but it was stuff we did not have the space for. And the goody bag stuff never made it from another child's party into the house for the same reason.

For those of you thinking this denies children something- my kids never seemed to notice. They are now 9, 7, and 4; they receive gifts from immediate family, and we have a party. Our guests tend to bring things to help with the meal we inevitably serve, and everyone has a high old time. When we go to a party where gifts are expected, we recycle something we have that we're done with. This works where we live now; when we lived in Texas, people quit inviting us to parties. That would have gotten tricky as the children got older, and I cannot say how I would have handled it.
 
#20 ·
I appreciate everyone's perspective and thanks for all of the replies. I don't think the dd will really care about the party favors, I was wondering what other people thought if their kids didn't get a favor. I have been thinking about homemade cards instead of gifts. DD attends Waldorf K and they made homemade, simple valentines for their classmates. DD cherishes those, she absolutely loves them. I think I will ask her about gifts, but if she really, really wants them, we have to donate some of her toys to charity to make room for new stuff. I can not handle any more toys in our house. I am so tired of them.
 
#21 ·
I think that you should discuss as a family and decide what is right for you. I am having loot bags at my DS's upcoming birthday but I have been purchasing stuff which is useful and inexpensive. We are holding it at a place that will provide the loot bags but they only have crap. I think I could have gotten away with no gifts and such if he was not having an actual birthday party- at a play place. I am going to work that in for next year and the new little guy won't get one I think.
 
#22 ·
I had interpreted NO GIFTS meaning, NO GIFTS, period. Not from friends OR family. I guess I misunderstood. We do birthday parties a bit differently here I guess! If you think your child would be ok with that, and not upset, then go for it! I definitely understand the reasoning behind it.

I DO think that for a child, birthdays and birthday parties ARE important. They may not be for me and my ideals, but children have different ideas about what is important and what isn't.
 
#23 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by snoopy5386 View Post
what does SHE want? If she wants favors then I think you should do them, if she wants gifts then I think you should do them, you could try steering her towards a book exchange party or an animal shelter party (where ppl bring donations for the shelter in lieu of gifts). But if the party is for her, then it should be what she wants. You can do goody bags/favors that are not crap. I just saw someone who did a box of crayons with a balloon attached and a sticker that says thanks for coming to my party. Crayons and a balloon, cheap, easy and makes kids happy.
I agree my DD love language is gifts it would totally crush her to ban them and even more so not have the gift bags cause she loves finding just the "right" things.

Deanna
 
#24 ·
I don't ever remember going to a party where there weren't presents and party bags. I am only 27 so maybe that happened before I was born, but then I wonder how it became a tradition. I can see a party being fun without presents but because that is such a huge part of my families tradition for birthday parties I don't really understand the reasoning behind not wanting presents.
I have been to a party where they had a family style environment and a lot of food and fun for all the adults and kids but they also had presents, I can see that being something you could easily make fun even without presents. You could also ask for books instead of toys when parents RSVP. At one party we were at the parents gave out stuffed animals in a big plastic bag instead of a party favor bag. I have also just let the kids have the candy from the pinata as a party favor and given them ziplock bags to put it in and that has worked well.
 
#25 ·
For us there is the "birthday party" which is an optional affair involving friends and neighbors and the "birthday celebration" which only involves the immediate family. The first is the thing that includes invites, games, lots of kids, and the optional loot bags. The second is whatever the immediate family does to celebrate the actual day of the birthday. In our family that typically means a birthday dinner, a small cake, perhaps an activity of the birthday person's choosing, and small gifts (for children, our family does not do birthday gifts for adults).

Because we have no extended family nearby, the family celebration is small (dh, dd, and myself) but does involve gifts that are sent from extended family if there are any. But we do celebrate every family member's birthday in this way. So, in our case, dd does get a gift from me and one from dh during this celebration and usually WAY too many gifts sent from extended family (she is the only grandchild on both sides.....). If our family lived nearby, they would likely be included in the birthday dinner. That is not what I am referring to as the "party".

The party is the much larger celebration that includes a lot of unrelated people. Because we unschool and dd does not consider children her age to be the only suitable candidates for friendship, her "invite list" involves kids of all ages, adults, and generally a LOT of people. But this could also be the kid-centered parties dd is typically invited to and usually involves loot bags and gifts. We choose to forgo both at dd's party because we feel she gets plenty of gifts for her birthday from family. And I have no idea what we would put in loot bags that not only was in line with our values but would also be suitable for her guests that range in age from one week to 90 years old. I am not even sure when we would open gifts as these affairs anyway. The time always runs away from us and we end up rushing to get the cake candled, cut, and served at the last minute.....usually with protests from the finger-paint-covered kids (and I use that label loosely) that have to be torn away from the slip-n-slide. After dd's last birthday party, we got nothing but rave reviews from the attendees. Not a single person mentioned the lack of gifts or loot bags including dd. Does not sound "deprived" to me
 
#26 ·
I requested "No gifts, please" for my DD's fourth birthday party and have no regrets about it. DD did receive gifts on her birthday from us and her grandparents. The party was just about having fun with friends and eating cake. Two of the nine families who attended the party did bring a gift, but I set them aside and DD opened them after the party was over (I did take photos and mail thank you notes). DD, at her young age, did not seem to miss the whole gift opening scene.

We did give a goody present - a Golden Books version of Peter Pan (the theme of the party was Peter Pan) - but wouldn't have felt bad about skipping this part either. I don't care for the usual goody bag loot, so I have switched to giving books. I don't know if the kids like it as much - but it makes me happier (and costs about the same amount, I paid $2.25 for each Peter Pan book).
 
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