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At what point does independence become a BAD thing?

692 views 4 replies 4 participants last post by  mistymama 
#1 ·
I'm having an insecure mommy moment. My seven-year-old ds just doesn't seem to need me much or desire to be really close lately. I've been reading a lot about attachment recently, mostly because I have a 6-month-old dd, and it is worrying me a bit that ds is SO independent.

Most days, ds spends the majority of his free time playing in his room or outside with his friends. He wants privacy while he plays, and if I go near his bedroom he will shut the door or ask me what I'm doing and tell me he doesn't want me listening to him. He will play for literally two or three hours at a time like this.

Most of the time, when I ask him if he wants to do something with me (like play a board game or shoot hoops), he says no.

We do read together every night for nearly an hour, and we do highs and lows before bed. I'm finding that I spend all day looking forward to this time, because otherwise he's pretty happy just doing his own thing.

This past weekend, he was in another town at my dad and stepmom's place. I called him, and he didn't want to talk to me.
Granted, he's never been very interested in telephone conversation, with me or anyone else.

I guess I'd better add that I'm his only parent. His dad passed away about a year and a half ago. Overall, though, he's a happy kid who seems pretty well adjusted.

Does all this sound like a problem to you? Is it normal for a kid his age to be so independent? After doing all this reading on attachment, I'm scaring myself that maybe he isn't securely attached to me or something!
 
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#2 ·
My kids are pretty independent, too. My oldest goes to his dad's for 2 days a week and doesn't usually call, or want to talk if I call-- he's busy having fun. They play outside for MANY hours a day without my input, and I peek in on their play but don't interrupt it. A couple weeks ago my little one went to stay with my ex for his brother's regular 2 days, had a blast, didn't miss me. I think it's a good thing for them to be independent and shows that they are totally secure about our bond. I'd worry a lot more about their attachment if they were clingy and needed a ton of attention at their ages.
 
#3 ·
That sounds very normal for a 7yo, IME. There's a BIG difference between a baby and a 7yo. Attachment parenting is about helping our children to feel safe and secure in their world so that they can branch out and become confidently independent. By the time my kids were 7, my job as a mother was more about providing a safe and comfortable home base for my kids than actively managing their lives.
 
#4 ·
Thanks for the reassurance. Yes, before I read too much and started over-analyzing things, I was seeing his independence as a sign of SECURE attachment. I was definitely AP when he was smaller, and I believe it helped to make him the super self-reliant, confident kid he is today.

One thing that the psychologists say to pay attention to is how your child behaves when tired/ill/hurt. That's when attachment patterns really surface. And, when I think about it, he does come to me for closeness and comfort during those times.

I guess I'm just feeling kind of sad that he's hit a period where we just don't spend as much time together. Good thing I've got dd to cuddle and laugh with all day long!
 
#5 ·
Oh boy, do I understand! My guy is 6.5 and I swear, he does not need his Mommy very often anymore!! He likes to play with his friends (much more than playing with dh or I), loves to go spend a few days at a time with my parents & just does not need me very often!

We do snuggle and read books at night (his Dad and I alternate evenings doing this) & about once I week he'll come sleep with us because of a bad dream. Otherwise, I swear I wouldn't even know this kid needs us!


I tell myself that it's because he has a secure bond that he's able to branch out and be so confident. He was a super intense and attached baby/toddler - so this freedom is kinda nice and I tell myself it's because he does have a secure attachment.

I also make sure to give him lots of hugs, kisses and tell him how much I miss him when he's gone, etc. He acts a little annoyed, but sometimes I also catch that little grin that tells me he still likes hearing it.


I make sure that we all eat dinner together (good conversation) and that a few times a week ds and I do something together like go swimming, etc. We walk the dog daily too. Just taking time for the two of us. It's harder with his Dad because he works so much, but they do spend time on the weekends & I'm thankful we can do the family dinners.

Anyway, I know how you feel!!
 
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