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What on earth do I do?? (worried re racism)

2K views 30 replies 20 participants last post by  franklinmarxmom 
#1 ·
My DD is 6. For a few years now she has been expressing the odd racist idea.
Needless to say, this really upsets me and DH. I have NO idea where it is coming from. She doesn't watch t.v. We have always read lots of multicultural books to her. She goes to a small diverse montessori school. And we have friends of many races.

She has said things that I won't repeat because it makes me very sad. Things that suggest that people from another race are not clean, not nice, etc. I don't get it at all because one of her best friends (since babyhood) is of another race. She isn't just picking on one race either....she says things about various races.

I'm really not sure how to handle this in a 6 year old! I try to keep my cool (DH tends to get upset, so I tell him I'll handle it). I ask her questions about why she feels that way, etc (don't get far with that). I have explained to her that our skin is sort of like "clothing" but underneath we are the same. I tell her stories about how _____ person loves their cat, just like you love your cat. _______ person loves their baby just like I love you. ETC.

It doesn't seem to be working. Today we watched Michael Jackson's "Black or White" video and she made a comment. I kind of lost my cool and told her that was unacceptable and I don't want to hear her talk about people like that anymore.

Any ideas? :|
 
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#3 ·
http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989

http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/nurtu...s/default.aspx

Basically, putting your kid in a diverse community isn't enough. How many friends of different races do you have? How often do you socialize with families of different races outside the school environment? How often do you discuss race in a real way that moves beyond platitudes?

It is hard, and I don't mean those questions as an attack. It is something that all of us probably need to work on. Our friends and family tend to be pretty racially diverse, but not particularly economically/educationally diverse, and most of our friends are same-sex couples like us.
 
#4 ·
I don't know that she's doing it to get a rise out of me. She certainly doesn't get much reaction most of the time because I'm purposely trying to avoid that. She's only 6 (and she's been doing this for some time now)...so it isn't like she's evil or anything. I try to calmly have a discussion with her about why she feels this way and I explain how we are all the same, etc etc. I have no clue where she hears this other than maybe from kids at school (which is so strange to me, since it is a small school and there are many different races there). Even when she was 3 she would say she didn't like certain Disney Princesses that weren't the same race as us.

We've tried very hard to expose her to many different cultural experiences all along (food, travel, books, art). We have a family member who works in a gallery, and she is always giving us beautiful books for children about other cultures. I'm just so confused. I had no clue that children were born with these feelings/ideas. (Or at least it seems like that.)


First of all, we don't have a lot of friends of ANY races. We have a few close friends. DH's best friend is of a different race, and we see them now and then. One of my best friends is of another race and we have frequent playdates with her kids. Then my other good friend is the same race as us.

I wouldn't say we ever discuss race really, in any form (other than when this happens). I don't even know how we'd talk about it or what we would say. I guess I'm just inept at this.
 
#5 ·
Have you asked her teacher at school if she does this at school? or if it's a problem in the class? Has she gotten these ideas from grandparents, perhaps? Neighbor friends?

I do not believe that children are born racist. I think they can misinterpret things or experiment with reasoning as to why different people have different features, but the things you are hinting at must be coming from somewhere. I would guess from a teacher or child at school, or a relative or other frequent caregiver.

I'm glad that you want to take an active role in changing this.
 
#7 ·
#8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart View Post
I don't know that she's doing it to get a rise out of me. She certainly doesn't get much reaction most of the time because I'm purposely trying to avoid that. She's only 6 (and she's been doing this for some time now)...so it isn't like she's evil or anything. I try to calmly have a discussion with her about why she feels this way and I explain how we are all the same, etc etc. I have no clue where she hears this other than maybe from kids at school (which is so strange to me, since it is a small school and there are many different races there). Even when she was 3 she would say she didn't like certain Disney Princesses that weren't the same race as us.

We've tried very hard to expose her to many different cultural experiences all along (food, travel, books, art). We have a family member who works in a gallery, and she is always giving us beautiful books for children about other cultures. I'm just so confused. I had no clue that children were born with these feelings/ideas. (Or at least it seems like that.)


First of all, we don't have a lot of friends of ANY races. We have a few close friends. DH's best friend is of a different race, and we see them now and then. One of my best friends is of another race and we have frequent playdates with her kids. Then my other good friend is the same race as us.

I wouldn't say we ever discuss race really, in any form (other than when this happens). I don't even know how we'd talk about it or what we would say. I guess I'm just inept at this.
I'm not really seeing the issue with th princess thing. I think it makes sense (as a small child) to pick the one most like you as your favourite. You likely arepretending to be that princess,yanno? I kow hwen I played Barbies,I icked hte one I wanted to be like and was most like. So I'd have picked a with barbie over black. I refusd to play wih skipper as a child,(when I was with friends and we each picked a Barbie to "be") because Barbie had a better figure. As a ypung child,I'd ant what lookd mst liike me. As an older child,I'd have wanted to imagine being another race.

I don't think there'd be an issue with a black child preferring a black princess or barbie or whatever.

I do realize that example is'thteonly issue yu've had, but since you haven'tsaid what else,well,it doesn't sound like there's really a problem.

For me as a child,I had nothing against any other race,but it would't make snese for me to topretend to be anotherrac,normally. I wouldn't be the daddy when we played house either. And I had nothing against men.

I did want to address the TV thing.I've found that my daughter has been exposed,in a good way ,to other cultures by watching TV. She does watch kids Tv programing almost exclusively,though. I rarely watch Tv myself.

And this post mady not make much sense. it was partly typed with a preschooler hanging off me.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for the links. I'll read them tonight.

Yes, that made sense. It isn't only not wanting to play a certain princess. It is more like, "I don't like that princess....she has ____ skin", which is obviously NOT ok. The main thing that threw me for a loop was when she said outloud (while we were watching that music video): "go away _____ girl, I don't like you". 0_0 0_0 When I tried to find out WHY she didn't like that person, she made negative comments about their physical appearance.

I made up a little booklet tonight. I took pictures of little girls dressed in princess type gowns. Little girls of all different races. And I put a picture of her in there too dressed up. Then I put pictures of a cat, a cupcake, a doll, etc. I looked at it with her. I pointed out the different little girls (this little girl is Asian...she has tanned skin and brown eyes), etc. I pointed at her picture and said, "this little girl is Caucasian...she has light skin and blue eyes". Etc. Then I showed her the other pics and said all these little girls like kittens and cupcakes and parties and dolls. I don't know if it made any impact, but I was trying to point out the specific differences as well as show that all the little girls like the same things.

I don't know if I'm on the right track or not. I'll read those links.
 
#10 ·
Is it possible that someone at school who happens to be of a different race did something to make your dd upset. As an example, a little boy repeatedly pushed, poked, and was in general not nice to my dd. It took a LONG time to get it across that it didn't mean that little BOYS were bad. For a long time she would say she didn't like boys because they are mean. If it would have been a dark skinned little girl that pushed her, she may have just as easily said I don't like dark skinned people.

Amy
 
#11 ·
We're having some similar issues at our house. I'm African American and dh is Puerto Rican. He's very fair and I'm brown. Dd is as fair as dh if not moreso. She describes herself as "peach" and I can't argue with that. She is.

However, one day, she said to me, "I don't like brown people". Oh, yeah? I lost it. More like emotionally, though; I cried. I don't know where this is coming from either. I do understand that for the most part, in the early years, children don't understand racial constructs - everything is just a color. But when negative traits are attached to the color they are describing, it's very hard to not see it as a racial comment. She is also requesting a mermaid for Christmas - with yellow hair. Her teacher has blonde hair, so, we think it is more a reflection of how much she adores her teacher (which is a good thing, of course!).

I'll be watching this thread for peoples' responses.
 
#13 ·
#14 ·
I have a 6 year old DD and a 2 year old DS. My son has Down Syndrome (relevant because people with Ds look different). DH also has a cousin (I'll call her E) that is 21 with Ds that loves nearby.

This past year we have been to a few parties for E that have included family, about 15 of her friends, most with Ds, and their families. DD always has a blast at these events.

Many of E's friends have much more obvious physical differences and disabilities than E and my son. Some a few have behavior issues that are usually addressed during the parties.

About 6 months ago DD started saying things like, "I don't like people with Ds." and "I think I will hate my brother when he gets big."

When I questioned her about this she really could not articulate why. It just sounded like she was being blindly prejudice. I know my DD. I know this was not true.

After awhile I was able to figure out that DD was simply expressing her fears that her brother would grow up and be different than the brother she knows now. She was a afraid he would have a more obvious look to him or more obvious physical disability. She was afraid he would grow up and be strange.

I think she was afraid he would drool or eat in a very messy/gross way or be overly physical or have problems with his behavior... the very things that she saw in a few of E's friends. I think some of this stuff was a little scary to her and saying she hates it was the only way she knew how to express her fear.

Once I reassured her that DS would not be anyone but himself she stopped saying all of the overtly ugly things.

Perhaps, OP, your DD had an uncomfortable experience and has generalized it to be something she identifies with all people of that race?

Don't loose heart, Momma. Your 6 year old is not a racist.
 
#15 ·
I don't know much about racism or childhood development, but this just crossed my mind: if a 6-year-old boy said all girls were stupid and had cooties, would we be discussing his misogyny?

Maybe it's the way they think when they're 6. Categorizing and discriminating and being very cruel and unfair and, of course, wrong. But they lack the ability to think straight about this sort of stuff, and will until they're 10 or 11 (cf. Piaget, Kohlberg).
 
#16 ·
Responding quickly and not sure exactly where it's coming from or how to understand. But I will say that I think some degree of fear of the different or prejudice can exist naturally or be a developmental stage as kids work through difference. We wouldn't worry so much if our kid said "I think people with blue eyes are yucky" or something like that. It's the context of a society built on racism that makes it so problematic.

Therefore, I guess I would be for a more pro-active approach to discussing racism: what it is, why it exists, how structural and destructive it is, etc. Six is definitely old enough to start talking about racism. This gives her a context for understanding why saying things she does is so wrong and hurtful. It also appeals to a kid's natural sense of injustice and fighting it.

I'm a socialist so these issues are ever-present in our house and very important to me. But we've discussed racism (and sexism and homophobia, etc) since my daughter was very young. Both in terms of society and in terms of her own family experience as an Arab-American. She gets it and is able to call out racism and oppression very clearly now at the age of 10.

I guess, to be clear, I'm saying that it's not enough to say "we're all the same underneath" or "we should all love each other" kind of message. I think we need to explain clearly and honestly the existence of racism. In doing so, we help our kids better understand our world and empower them to change it and speak up against its injustices.
 
#17 ·
At this age, I wouldn't worry about it too much. There are so many things that can play into it and I'm guessing it will pass.

My 6.5 yo, when she was 5, saw a homeless African American man who was very, very dirty. He came up to her and talked to her as we were walking in a store. He had a loud, gruff voice and he scared her.

For months and months after that, she would make comments about brown people being dirty, loud, angry etc... We just calmly talked her through it.

Soon, it passed. I doubt that at 6 your DD has the soul of a racist. I'm sure she's seen something, had some sort of unpleasant interaction etc... and she's just generalizing it.

Just keep doing what you're doing - be there to talk to her about her thoughts, help her rationalize them, let her know how words can hurt etc... and I'm sure she'll out grow it.
 
#18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Litcrit View Post
I don't know much about racism or childhood development, but this just crossed my mind: if a 6-year-old boy said all girls were stupid and had cooties, would we be discussing his misogyny?

Maybe it's the way they think when they're 6. Categorizing and discriminating and being very cruel and unfair and, of course, wrong. But they lack the ability to think straight about this sort of stuff, and will until they're 10 or 11 (cf. Piaget, Kohlberg).

Quote:

Originally Posted by amcal View Post
At this age, I wouldn't worry about it too much. There are so many things that can play into it and I'm guessing it will pass.

My 6.5 yo, when she was 5, saw a homeless African American man who was very, very dirty. He came up to her and talked to her as we were walking in a store. He had a loud, gruff voice and he scared her.

For months and months after that, she would make comments about brown people being dirty, loud, angry etc... We just calmly talked her through it.

Soon, it passed. I doubt that at 6 your DD has the soul of a racist. I'm sure she's seen something, had some sort of unpleasant interaction etc... and she's just generalizing it.

Just keep doing what you're doing - be there to talk to her about her thoughts, help her rationalize them, let her know how words can hurt etc... and I'm sure she'll out grow it.
The OP made it pretty clear that this isn't just a 6-year-old "stage". It's something that has been going on for several years and is currently, for whatever reason, somewhat engrained in her daughter. Racism isn't the same as saying someone has the cooties. This is a pattern the OP has observed since her daughter was tiny, and she's looking for ways to break it.

I really think that, in addition to confronting it directly, doing many of the things suggested, including what bronx mom described, you need to see if you can find the source. It's not something a child is born with; she's heard it or observed it somewhere and the best way to counter that is the identify it at the core.
 
#19 ·
I dont know why, but I feel like it has something to do with her past lives. I am not sure if you believe in that sort of thing or not, but in one theory of reincarnation there is a beleif that our souls leave and return for one purpose, higher knowledge and Karma "cleaning" of the "Self". We have all been the victim and the murderer so to speak in one lifetime or the other, so that we may learn all the lessons there are to offer. Earth is a school for the soul if you will.
It "feels" to me as though the child has some issues with Karma from some past lives regarding race and her "soul" or "being" chose you as a family knowing it would be the best environment for growth. She chose you knowing you would be able to teach her the right choices to make karmicly. That we are all one, that we are all equal, love not war sorta upbringing.
I think the child chose well and is very lucky to have you indeed. Keep up the good fight Mom, never let her see you wear, stand your ground firnly and with love.
It might not be a bad idea to talk frankly with her teachers about her behvior as well.
How does she treat the other children that arent her color? Does she make these statements at school?
I hope you find your steady ground on this one and lay your worries aside soon as an action plan, seems that is what it will take to ease your mind.
Love and Light
p.s.
There is a theory that there have been no "new" souls since 1962 born here on Earth, if that is true her being is probably older than yours. In other words this may be an issue for some one thousands of years old to deal with out of the body of a 6 yr old. Past life regression therapy possibly?
 
#20 ·
I missed that this has been going on for years. I know the OP said she did not want to post what her DD says, but a little more info might be helpful.

Could your DD be getting these ideas from a grandparent or great grandparent? I know that I have heard some really horrible,backward, nasty, racist stuff com out of both my grandparent's and my DH's grandparent's mouths over the years. It can be so shocking because normally this stuff is not said and sometimes we have had no idea that they felt that way.

We have had to step in a change the subject and one time leave from a visit with DH's family because all of the old folks got on a racist kick and it just wasn't going to stop with out us creating a scene. (They were discussing something in the news and the racist comments just kept coming.)

I know DH's parents have expressed opinions to DD on things that we 100% disagree with and I would not be completely shocked (knowing how the rest of the family feels) if they thoughtlessly said something racists when hanging out with DD. I would hope not, since DH has confront them many times as a young adult about how this is is a type of thing he does not want to hear and they stopped, but you never know.

OP, I know this is a really difficult thing to confront in your own child. Please remember that you are the biggest influence on your child so keep the dialog open and hopefully you will affect change.

One last thought, have you discussed any of this stuff with your good friend who is of a different race? Perhaps she could lend some insight as to what could have triggered or influenced this way of thinking. Maybe there is a specific cultural thing that is confusing to your DD that your friend could help you explain (I'm basing this on the thing you said about your DD thinking people of this race are unclean, dirty.)
 
#21 ·
brokenheart, I personally would try stating the rules of your house and continue correcting her every time she says something offensive. You might feel like a broken record after a while, but she will eventually get the message that it is not tolerated, and will likely come to the same conclusions about what is right and wrong. It might also help to add a little diversity wherever possible, choosing books, toys, and shows that feature various cultures and physical appearances, so you can show her how people come in many packages.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Duce62 View Post
p.s.
There is a theory that there have been no "new" souls since 1962 born here on Earth, if that is true her being is probably older than yours. In other words this may be an issue for some one thousands of years old to deal with out of the body of a 6 yr old. Past life regression therapy possibly?
This has piqued my curiosity, and I hope to avoid derailing the thread or offending anyone, but what is the story behind this theory? What's the significance of 1962? I couldn't dig up anything on my own. Also, is that how you chose your screen-name?
 
#22 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Missy View Post
That theory doesn't hold up in reality.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=2553348&page=1
This study tells us more about the lives of kids growing up in Harlem than it does about where racist thoughts in children come from. Children in Harlem public school see very wealthy white kids just a few blocks away on the Upper East Side who get to go to wonderful private schools. The white kids on the Upper East Side get to play in the really nice well maintain playgrounds of Central Park. The playground a few blocks north in Harlem are barely maintained. Etc, etc.

I don't feel this study does anything to negate the fact that children, who live in an environment that never causes them to believe themselves inferior, will tend to view themselves and those who they most easily ID with as superior.
 
#23 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by eepster View Post
This study tells us more about the lives of kids growing up in Harlem than it does about where racist thoughts in children come from. Children in Harlem public school see very wealthy white kids just a few blocks away on the Upper East Side who get to go to wonderful private schools. The white kids on the Upper East Side get to play in the really nice well maintain playgrounds of Central Park. The playground a few blocks north in Harlem are barely maintained. Etc, etc.

I don't feel this study does anything to negate the fact that children, who live in an environment that never causes them to believe themselves inferior, will tend to view themselves and those who they most easily ID with as superior.
I linked one study. That same study, or some version of it, has been done all over the country with frightening similiar results. It's how our society is conditioned and it shows the direct impact of systemic racism on even very young children. Besides, regardless of location, it boiled down to skin color. Those children identified having white skin as being more positive than having black skin. They might be growing up in Harlem, but the message is about race and it's the same message being received countless other places around the country. That was the point of the study.
 
#24 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Missy View Post
I linked one study. That same study, or some version of it, has been done all over the country with frightening similiar results. It's how our society is conditioned and it shows the direct impact of systemic racism on even very young children. Besides, regardless of location, it boiled down to skin color. Those children identified having white skin as being more positive than having black skin. They might be growing up in Harlem, but the message is about race and it's the same message being received countless other places around the country. That was the point of the study.
(bold mine)

This was my point. That this study, and other similar ones don't exist in a vacuum, and there fore don't reflect what happens in the minds of children who are not personally exposed to racism. The chapter in Nurture Shock is about how children shielded from racism view themselves and form perceptions of other races.

White families in the US have been raising children believing that if they simply never ever mention race that racial blindness/harmony will be the default way their children will perceive the world. It turns out, it's not working.
 
#25 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by eepster View Post
(bold mine)

This was my point. That this study, and other similar ones don't exist in a vacuum, and there fore don't reflect what happens in the minds of children who are not personally exposed to racism. The chapter in Nurture Shock is about how children shielded from racism view themselves and form perceptions of other races.

White families in the US have been raising children believing that if they simply never ever mention race that racial blindness/harmony will be the default way their children will perceive the world. It turns out, it's not working.
But that alone completely negates Nurture Shock. Unless you want to take the entire point of the book and assume that the default is white and the entire book is written from a white perspective for the parents of white children. Which for those of us who don't have white children kind sucks because that's not our default. And so unless it's specifically stated, I don't assume white.

And if that was your point, then from the perspective of a mom of black children, you just proved mine.
 
#26 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Missy View Post
But that alone completely negates Nurture Shock. Unless you want to take the entire point of the book and assume that the default is white and the entire book is written from a white perspective for the parents of white children. Which for those of us who don't have white children kind sucks because that's not our default. And so unless it's specifically stated, I don't assume white.

And if that was your point, then from the perspective of a mom of black children, you just proved mine.
While the problem described in Nurture Shock mostly effects whites in the US, there is no reason to assume that it could only effect whites. In Nurture Shock they believe that it is mostly not a problem amongst black families in the US b/c black families tend to talk with greater openness about race.

I see no reason that the problem described in Nurture Shock wouldn't effect a child of any race, if: they grew up in a family that never talked about race; they were never exposed to racism; they grew up with similar or greater resources as those around them.
 
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