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Never heard of a flower girl wearing makeup. I wouldn't feel bad at all about declining that. No need to go overboard - a simple "she is too young for makeup, thanks anyway" will do.
As to shoes - no, you cannot put her in white tennis shoes! She could wear basically any type of flat, white dress shoe (or possibly black - what color shoes are the bridesmaids wearing and are their dresses the same colors as your dd's?) or maybe a brand new, very clean, white pair of ballet slippers. I'd run the ballet slipper idea past the bride though.
I think it would be nice to ask how the bride wants dd's hair done that day - up, down and curled, ? Maybe practice one day and ask bride if that works for her?
I don't remember caring how my flower girls wore their hair, and I certainly didn't ask their moms to put makeup on them (they were perfectly darling just the way they were). But I'd have blown a gasket if one of them showed up in tennis shoes...
And I am not a super girly-girl either - but it isn't about you or me, it is about the bride. If she wants the flower girls in dress shoes with curled hair, then just do it. It is just a part of one day. I think you can decline makeup, but otherwise I'd go along with the bride's wishes.
I don't think a flower girl that young needs make-up, but I think gently declining or using a little humour is the best way to deal with the bride's assumption that a 3 y.o. would wear make-up. Maybe the other flower girl really wants to wear make-up, and the bride is just trying to make sure everyone is included? Unless perhaps you are dealing with a bridezilla and there have been ongoing issues that are making you unhappy, so a mama bear response was needed.
For the shoes, I think the ballet slippers are a cute idea. If not, you should be able to find a nice pair of white sandals. I don't think tennis shoes are a good choice.
I think if someone has agreed to be in a wedding party, they agree to abide by the preferences of the bride and groom for clothes etc. - within reason. It also takes a certain tolerance and sense of humour for some bridal hysterics. It would be nice if brides didn't get carried away with the whole event - and many don't. Some do though. If that's the situation, and it's really too aggravating to be a part of it, it's best to decline when the bride asks, rather than participate unhappily.
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