Update:(post #10):Can my 4 yr-old be getting depressed??? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 02-15-2010, 05:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
joyfulone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: On a beautiful beach, sitting in the soft sand with the sunshine sparkling on the water before me.
Posts: 86
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
A change has been happening in my dear 4 1/2 year-old daughter lately, and it makes me concerned. My daughter's always been a very happy, out-going, easily excited, enthusiastic, playful, comical girl who always loved all the kids at school and showed lots of self confidence. But this past fall, her best friend from preschool last year has left the school to be homeschooled and now my daughter's been left with only about 5 other girls her age there and maybe 7 younger girls, and the rest are 11 boys who think girls are yucky. 1 girl decided that my daughter was distracting her best friend from her and started telling my daughter to leave them alone and the other friend soon joined in telling my daughter to stay away. The other 3 girls their age heard this go on over the past few months and now the other 3 are telling my daughter to leave them alone, as well, and to go play by herself. My daughter was sobbing on Thursday, telling me the other 3 are now telling her to go away like the first 2, and the teacher is very busy and doesn't want to be involved with playground cattiness of girls, so she's no help.

On top of this, my husband's been going through a tough time and has been impatient with our daughter and probably corrects her for misbehaving more often than he shows love or affection to her, to be totally honest. He really loves her, but he's been a very negative person lately and has a hard time being affectionate with her when he's in a bad mood (which is everynight for the past several months, when he sees her). So, on Friday my husband told her angrily it was not ok to hit her sister for probably the millioneth time, my daughter said, "I hate you, I hate you, I wish you would go away forever and die!" I have never heard her use such angry words - we never talk like that at home, and she was crying and just in a rage. Her dad backed-off and I spent the rest of the evening with her and her sister, but she just was not herself after that. On Saturday she was strange all day - sort of disconnected and emotionally-sensitive, and today she seemed depressed and ready to lash out in anger if anybody asked her something she didn't want to hear.

Could it be that the mean girls at school and the constant correcting from her dad has just now hit the point that it's too much for her and she's now having all these emotional symptoms as a result of it? Do I need to pull her out of her school and start homeschooling her now (which I was planning on doing in September anyway)? Isn't it too early for a 4 year-old to be coming home, crying several times a week, because other 4 year-old girls at school has told her to go away and play by herself (it's not like she's 13 or anything!)Her dad has agreed to try his best to try to remind her of how much he loves her, and to try to find another way to work with her other than correcting her all the time, since he's really concerned about the change he's seen in her mood and behavior over the past few days, too. Do any of you have any thoughts about this, or have you had any similar experiences with your kids in this way, too?

Thanks so much for any advice or encouragement you may have about this!

~joy

wild.gifJofulone: loving wife of dh, mama of dd 8yrs and dd 6yrs, angel1.gif 6/09.  waterbirth.jpg homebirth.jpgguitar.gifsuperhero.gif 
joyfulone is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-15-2010, 08:36 AM
 
GoBecGo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,405
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think what you describe at school is clearly bullying - ostracising people is very damaging to their self-esteem, and children can be very unknowingly cruel - one of those girls was insecure and told your DD to go away, now the others are joining in "just because" which is very common with little kids. I would approach the teacher again - part of her job is to protect your DD from harm at school, be it physical or emotional, and "too busy" doesn't cut it. She could help by deliberately pairing the kids up for fun activities and pairing your DD with one of the girls who says "go away" but not the instigator of the whole thing, to get some refamiliarisation happening - a good teacher will know a dozen ways to subtly influence class interaction to help situations like this. Another thing you might try is arranging a girls tea party and inviting the others (via their parents perhaps?) over for an afternoon of fun girlie activities with your DD to break the ice and get things a bit warmer again. I can remember this happening to me a LOT as a child (i moved school 4 times before i was 10) and my mother used to just create an opportunity for fun with the other kids (youth groups, tea parties, barbecues etc.) which always made some relent (you will always get hard core bullies, but most of the sheep are just lazy and want to avoid being a target - given the opportunity to think for themselves about it they will usually realise they actually quite like the person in question) so i was never completely friendless.

Your husband sounds like HE needs to resolve some things, to prevent himself from acting the way he is. He realises what he's doing is detrimental which is the first step, and a valuable one. His mental state is kind of a related but separate issue. Can he adjust his life so he isn't so angry all the time? Or have therapy? Or something?
GoBecGo is offline  
Old 02-15-2010, 09:18 AM
 
mum21andtwins's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 557
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
if you are planning to HE I'd pull her out now. Give her time to heal before you actually start real he'ing.
Also It sounds like your husband needs help to sort out whatever he is going trough. he needs to find a way to treat your dd the way she needs to be treated especially with what she is going trough at school.

Good luck!!

photoblogging crafty Mama to 3 boys (8/04 and twins 08/07)
mum21andtwins is offline  
Old 02-15-2010, 09:32 AM
 
The Duchess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 346
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If this is your first child it can be shocking to hear the "I hate you mommy!" statements for the first time. Now I have three (ages 9, 6.5 and 3.5 - first two are girls) I am more relaxed. It's a good way for her to tell you she's feeling unhappy and I believe it's important to not give children (especially girls) the idea that they're not allowed to display negative emotion.

Developmentally around the age of four children start to understand that words can have power and are more likely to use words to shock or gain attention from their parent. She may also have heard these types of statements at school. The school situation looks like it is not a loving place for your child. I personally would not keep my child in any situation that had a 4 year old crying frequently if it doesn't seem to be being resolved. My children have all been at a number of preschools/schools and I have never experienced this kind of distress in them - she is definitely suffering.

At home I would make a concerted effort to "catch her being good" and praise and complement her on all the behavior you want to see more of. Explain to dad he needs to back off until the school situation is resolved unless he wants to give her the cuddles and affection she needs from him right now.

I sincerely hope that your little girl moves into a happier place, mom I would step up and not allow her to go somewhere unloving each day. Hugs to you!
The Duchess is offline  
Old 02-15-2010, 01:11 PM
 
LuckyMommaToo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Four-year-olds should not have to fend for themselves in the school yard. I think that it's a developmentally appropriate thing for kids this age to be going through, as the girls at DD's preschool (she's almost four) are also becoming very "catty," but the teacher(s) need to be all over it.

I'd have a conference with the school, but if they're really unwilling to deal with it, I'd pull her.
-e

Momma to 8 y.o. DS and 5 y.o. DD. Married to a Maker!

LuckyMommaToo is offline  
Old 02-15-2010, 03:42 PM
 
MissNo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 81
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am in agreement with The Duchess. She sounds so hurt by the behavior of the girls at school, and upset at Dad's change in mood. I think the teacher needs to be spoken to, 'too busy' with a group of four year-olds? Ridiculous! That's why there are teacher's assistant to help with the workload.

Kudos to your husband for recognizing his behavior, and for trying to change it. It is so difficult to stay positive when you are going through a rough spot, I hope he is able to continue to show your daughter love and support.

Mom to two lovely girls, 4 and 3. SAHW/M in need of sleep.
MissNo is offline  
Old 02-15-2010, 03:53 PM
 
LynnS6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pacific NW longing for the Midwest
Posts: 12,446
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
If I were you, I would pull my child from that school immediately. It sounds like you can do this, so why not? Your daughter is being bullied, so much so that it affects her behavior, and the teacher is not working to resolve it.

Yes, 4 year old girls can be catty. Yes, they can exclude. Developmentally, they have a hard time with the idea that you can be friends with more than one person at a time -- 4 year old friendships tend to be one-to-one. So, if you're friends with X, that means you 'can't' be friends with Y (otherwise you wouldn't be friends with X, right?).

But part of the teacher's job is to teach the children that you can be friends with more than one person. It's mean and hurtful to exclude someone.

Our kids' preschool had very clear rules: You can choose to play by yourself. But if you're playing in a group, everyone is allowed to play. Now that doesn't eliminate hurt feelings. Dd regularly complains that the other girls won't "let" her take the role she wants. But I take that with a grain of salt, as my daughter also announced that she wanted to be "queen of the world". What dd is really saying is: They don't always play my way. That's very different from coming home sobbing because the other kids told her to go away.

It also sounds like the teacher is overwhelmed -- 20 kids for 1 teacher? That's not even close to enough.

The more I think about this, the madder I get at that teacher. She is not doing her job and your daughter is suffering.

Lynnteapot2.GIF, academicreading.gif,geek.gif wife, WOHM  to T jog.gif(4/01) and M whistling.gif (5/04)
LynnS6 is offline  
Old 02-16-2010, 05:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
joyfulone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: On a beautiful beach, sitting in the soft sand with the sunshine sparkling on the water before me.
Posts: 86
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Good, good words of advice. Many thanks. I think I will give the teacher one last shot and I'll email her right now about the full details of the situation and see how she responds to me. If she acts very concerned, or has a plan of action for helping, etc. then I'll consider letting her try it out again IF dd wants to. At this point dd's pretty clear that she will only go back to the school on days that I'm scheduled to volunteer there, so she can stick by my side. But if the teacher acts casual and unconcerned (she's very laid-back and casual, been doing this for 30 years, etc.), I think I would need to pull dd out of the school. It isn't right for a 4 year-old to be bullied, and to have her self-esteem crushed at such a young age.

I'm soo happy to report, though, that today dd was miraculously back to her old very happy, cheerful, comical self. It's as if the last 3 days never happened. I spent the entire day with her and her little sister, playing, having fun, and just loving her- and she was just wonderful. Her dad spent the night in her room with her last night after she woke up crying in her sleep (that's another whole topic I could digress on), and I think that may have been really healing for her to have daddy there with her, comforting her when she was afraid. I promise I will never make her go to that preschool again if she doesn't want to go there, and I'll only consider bringing her back to try it out if the teacher promises me that she will take some very proactive steps to try and help the situation. I'll update the post and let you know what ends up happening after I talk to the teacher.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and encouragement...

wild.gifJofulone: loving wife of dh, mama of dd 8yrs and dd 6yrs, angel1.gif 6/09.  waterbirth.jpg homebirth.jpgguitar.gifsuperhero.gif 
joyfulone is offline  
Old 02-16-2010, 10:19 AM
 
amma_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In a parallel universe
Posts: 998
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Whether you pull your DD out or not, I would find a way to have some one-on-one playdates with other girls so that she can develop some positive relationships that can carry over to group settings.

Our DD had a bit of a hard time for a while at her school recently, as she was being excluded by the two girls that sat at her same table. DD got along well with the boys, but was clearly crushed that the girls did not want to play with her. Her teacher, however, was very understanding and proactive and had good advice for me, as well, so that we could work together to change the dynamics for DD. She increased the number of group talks about these types of issues with the class, and changed seating to mix up the dynamics. It has completely changed the school environment for DD who has gotten closer to a couple of the girls since the teacher took action.

Frankly, it is the job of a teacher (with that age class) to foster a welcoming environment for ALL the children. I can't think of anything more important at thage, frankly, as it is the start of many years of schooling and social interaction. I do not necessarily think that there are "mean" kids at that age - as a PP suggested, another girl's own insecurities got to the best of her and affected the entire group dynamics. With guidance and encouragement, such as situation can be changed if the teacher is willing.

I agree that you should give her another chance. I would talk to her though, rather than email, if at all possible, though, as I think that it would be a more productive conversation and you can get more of a vibe of whether she will genuinely work with you and your DD to make school the kind of place that it should be.

And kudos to you DH to changing his own behavior so quickly toprovide her the love and encouragement that she needs. Sometimes it takes such a reaction for us to "snap" out of our own world which can overwhelm us at times. I hope that your DH can sort out his own issues as he also deserves so much more...hopefully he will also benefit from the new dynamics with your DD...

Apparently doing it rong and ruining it for everyone, but I don't give a crap anymorebanana.gif

amma_mama is offline  
Old 02-24-2010, 04:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
joyfulone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: On a beautiful beach, sitting in the soft sand with the sunshine sparkling on the water before me.
Posts: 86
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so glad to report that dd is definitely returning to her old, sweet self. I really do think it was a combination of the girls rejecting her at school and the tension in her relationship with her dad as a result of all the stress he's been under.

Dad took awesome steps to sit down and talk with dd about her feelings, remind her of how much he loves her, and took her on a couple of errands with just the two of them, and things have been sooo much better between them both. We also started doing a structured bedtime (dinner at a certain time, then bath, then stories in their bedroom at an early hour), while the two kids used to just sit and watch movies in the living room until I would get home from work at 9:30 or 10, because Dad was too overwhelmed to do a structured bedtime all by himself with the two of them. I had the gift of being able to restructure my schedule a bit since last week to get home earlier and I was able to work with Dad for several nights to start the structure and now he's trying (it's hard, but he's trying!) to do the routine on his own. My friends thought the bedtime routine would get dd more sleep which could help with her irritability, and provide a sense of safety with other things being different around the house with dad working less and mom working more now, etc. I think the routine is helping!

Also, I did send the teacher a long email one night at midnight, and she got back to me right away by phone the next day. The teacher says in her 20+ years of preschool teaching experience that every year the older girls (4's and 5's) begin saying to one another: "I don't like you, you're not my friend, go away and play by yourself, etc." Teacher says that many of the girls tend to say it to each other, and that it's not just my daughter who's experiencing the rejection. Teacher doesn't want to tell the main girl who always starts the rejecting to stop saying the things and to instead just play with my daughter because the teacher says that the girl will then tell my daughter she's only playing with my daughter because the teacher told her to. So, teacher thinks it's better for me to empower my daughter to learn that she can take care of herself and find other girls to play with and other activities to participate in if she gets rejected again on the playground.

I agree with the teacher's advice for me to teach dd how to empower herself to learn ways to find others to play with and other activities to do if she gets rejected again, but I'm still disappointed that the teacher doesn't think it would be helpful for her to intervene and tell the main little girl that she needs to accept everyone and let them all play together. Teacher says when the kids go to kindergarten (we're very likely to be homeschooling, tho - to avoid more of this sort of thing, as one reason for it!), that there will be no teacher available on the playground to hover over the kids and remind them to all play nicely together. She says its better now for my dd to experience this and to learn new ways to cope before it gets worse. Yuck, worse?? I never went through the rejection stuff until 6th grade, when I was a kid. Have times just changed? Or, is it because we live in a kind-of affluent, competitive community where kids are just not as accepting and easy-going as they were in the laid-back suburb I grew-up in as a kid?

Interesting thing, tho, is that this "exclusionary behavior" topic was brought up at the school's board meeting (and I'm a board member) because the teacher suggested to our president that we need to be aware of this exclusionary stuff as "several moms" have approached the teacher about this happening on the playground (?!). And here I thought it was maybe just my daughter who had this happening. After the meeting, I learned from at least 6 other moms that their daughters were rejected by the same little girl on the playground, and that the little girl's "best friend" would be influenced by her rejections and join-in on the rejecting. The best friend's mom was very grateful to learn of her daughter's behavior and will be talking to her right away about it. But as far as we know, the mom of the little girl who always starts it may not be aware of all the trouble her daughter's been causing. I'm wondering if the teacher should say something to her, or if maybe I need to? The other moms all didn't want to talk to the girl's mom, but if it needs to be done- I'm willing to try to talk to her.

I think someone may have suggested that I try and organize a playdate with all the girls, but I observed when I was volunteering at school the other day that all the other girls really like and accept my daughter. We just had a playdate with a couple of them yesterday, and we have another one scheduled for next week with another girl. But, I honestly don't have any interest in organizing a date with the main little girl who does the rejecting because I heard from another mom who tried to organize a date with her that during the date the little girl told her daughter: "I don't like you, I don't want to do a playdate with you again. You can't come to my house to play ever again." Ugh, I don't like that sort of language and I wouldn't want to risk having that told to my daughter on a playdate.

If you have any thoughts about the situation with the exlusionary behavior on the playground, or if you think I should say something to the mom, or not, it would be great to hear your thoughts. Also wondering if anyone has any book recommendations (for kids or adults) on learning how to deal with kids who are exclusionary at school.

Thanks!

~joy

wild.gifJofulone: loving wife of dh, mama of dd 8yrs and dd 6yrs, angel1.gif 6/09.  waterbirth.jpg homebirth.jpgguitar.gifsuperhero.gif 
joyfulone is offline  
Old 02-24-2010, 05:52 PM
 
honeybunmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,750
Mentioned: 7 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 20 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by joyfulone View Post
I'm so glad to report that dd is definitely returning to her old, sweet self. I really do think it was a combination of the girls rejecting her at school and the tension in her relationship with her dad as a result of all the stress he's been under.

Dad took awesome steps to sit down and talk with dd about her feelings, remind her of how much he loves her, and took her on a couple of errands with just the two of them, and things have been sooo much better between them both. We also started doing a structured bedtime (dinner at a certain time, then bath, then stories in their bedroom at an early hour), while the two kids used to just sit and watch movies in the living room until I would get home from work at 9:30 or 10, because Dad was too overwhelmed to do a structured bedtime all by himself with the two of them. I had the gift of being able to restructure my schedule a bit since last week to get home earlier and I was able to work with Dad for several nights to start the structure and now he's trying (it's hard, but he's trying!) to do the routine on his own. My friends thought the bedtime routine would get dd more sleep which could help with her irritability, and provide a sense of safety with other things being different around the house with dad working less and mom working more now, etc. I think the routine is helping!

Also, I did send the teacher a long email one night at midnight, and she got back to me right away by phone the next day. The teacher says in her 20+ years of preschool teaching experience that every year the older girls (4's and 5's) begin saying to one another: "I don't like you, you're not my friend, go away and play by yourself, etc." Teacher says that many of the girls tend to say it to each other, and that it's not just my daughter who's experiencing the rejection. Teacher doesn't want to tell the main girl who always starts the rejecting to stop saying the things and to instead just play with my daughter because the teacher says that the girl will then tell my daughter she's only playing with my daughter because the teacher told her to. So, teacher thinks it's better for me to empower my daughter to learn that she can take care of herself and find other girls to play with and other activities to participate in if she gets rejected again on the playground.

I agree with the teacher's advice for me to teach dd how to empower herself to learn ways to find others to play with and other activities to do if she gets rejected again, but I'm still disappointed that the teacher doesn't think it would be helpful for her to intervene and tell the main little girl that she needs to accept everyone and let them all play together. Teacher says when the kids go to kindergarten (we're very likely to be homeschooling, tho - to avoid more of this sort of thing, as one reason for it!), that there will be no teacher available on the playground to hover over the kids and remind them to all play nicely together. She says its better now for my dd to experience this and to learn new ways to cope before it gets worse. Yuck, worse?? I never went through the rejection stuff until 6th grade, when I was a kid. Have times just changed? Or, is it because we live in a kind-of affluent, competitive community where kids are just not as accepting and easy-going as they were in the laid-back suburb I grew-up in as a kid?

Interesting thing, tho, is that this "exclusionary behavior" topic was brought up at the school's board meeting (and I'm a board member) because the teacher suggested to our president that we need to be aware of this exclusionary stuff as "several moms" have approached the teacher about this happening on the playground (?!). And here I thought it was maybe just my daughter who had this happening. After the meeting, I learned from at least 6 other moms that their daughters were rejected by the same little girl on the playground, and that the little girl's "best friend" would be influenced by her rejections and join-in on the rejecting. The best friend's mom was very grateful to learn of her daughter's behavior and will be talking to her right away about it. But as far as we know, the mom of the little girl who always starts it may not be aware of all the trouble her daughter's been causing. I'm wondering if the teacher should say something to her, or if maybe I need to? The other moms all didn't want to talk to the girl's mom, but if it needs to be done- I'm willing to try to talk to her.

I think someone may have suggested that I try and organize a playdate with all the girls, but I observed when I was volunteering at school the other day that all the other girls really like and accept my daughter. We just had a playdate with a couple of them yesterday, and we have another one scheduled for next week with another girl. But, I honestly don't have any interest in organizing a date with the main little girl who does the rejecting because I heard from another mom who tried to organize a date with her that during the date the little girl told her daughter: "I don't like you, I don't want to do a playdate with you again. You can't come to my house to play ever again." Ugh, I don't like that sort of language and I wouldn't want to risk having that told to my daughter on a playdate.

If you have any thoughts about the situation with the exlusionary behavior on the playground, or if you think I should say something to the mom, or not, it would be great to hear your thoughts. Also wondering if anyone has any book recommendations (for kids or adults) on learning how to deal with kids who are exclusionary at school.

Thanks!

~joy

Great update! The same thing was happening to my daughter from her former best friend. They had to switch schools this year as their old school closed last June. This is a mixed age setting as well - 3.5-6. For the first time, the best friend had many other same aged girls to play with. My daughter is 2 years younger. She was coming home complaining of her fbf (former best friend) saying, "Go away!" "I don't want to play with you", etc. And the same aged girls seemed to band together.

One morning during drop off, I even witnessed the fbf ROLL HER EYES at the sight of my daughter arriving. And my daughter continued to fawn over her. Killed me inside. In any event, things are so much better now. And, IMO, in large part due to the way the teacher handled it. She did not tolerate the exclusionary behavior. She also suggested that we try to get our daughter to school first so that she would not be trying to join in what had already been started (we're chronically late arrivers), but rather would have the other girls joining the play that she had begun. We did follow this advice as well. I also did the empowering that your daughter's teacher recommended.

Now, mind you, we had had play dates with the fbf throughout the summer. There were some issues (she squeezed my daughter by the arm one day, I often over heard, "I'm not going to play with you anymore", etc.) so, this was not a complete surprise. Her parents are darlings. I just think that this stage has been on the worse end of the continuum for her. I never spoke directly to her parents about the situation, but did have a general conversation with her mother about the behavior (without saying how much of it was directed toward my daughter). Their family had a new addition about 1 month after ours, so, both girls were also going through some family transition. Plus, I had the added insight from the teacher last year who once commented that the girl had a tendency to have a need to be unhappy. Even if all were going well, she'd find a way to bring things down.

But, like I said, it's soooo much better, now. We have a parent teacher conference on Friday, so, I'll get further details then.

Mama to add 10/05; ds 3/09, and two angels
honeybunmom is offline  
Old 02-24-2010, 06:20 PM
 
lolar2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 6,403
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I substitute-taught about ten years ago, for a number of different kindergarten and first grade classes. We DID do whatever we could to address playground bullying (this was shortly after the Columbine shootings that I started the job, so it was on everyone's radar); how much we could do, however, depended on a million factors such as the size of the school, the layout of the playground, the student/ teacher ratio, the individual school policies, etc. I don't know how much has changed since then but if that teacher has been teaching for 30 years, you could ask her how it's changed during her time.
lolar2 is offline  
Old 02-26-2010, 11:23 AM
 
red17's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: MtView, CA
Posts: 165
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
First, to your DD and you. My DD is going through something similar with one child. I am so sorry your DD is in this situation but am also happy for you that she seems to be finding some way to return to the child you know.

I agree with other posts in a number of ways. 1. Fostering good relationship skills is critical for children this age. They need to know that they should always be inclusive. Unfortunately, some of the behavior is learned from other (maybe older) children AND from adults, even parents. If the children learn to accept others more now, wouldn't that help prevent some of that type of behavior next year in Kindergarten and beyond? Just a thought?

2. It definitely IS he responsibility of the teacher to recognize what is happening and do her/his best to remedy the situation now. If that teacher would do her job, talk to the instigator's parents and let them know what their Dchild is doing, perhaps the parents would talk to the child and the behavior would get better.

If I see behavior I find objectionable from my child, she is immediately told to "stop", that we don't do X and that X is not nice. Although for me, my DD's thing is usually issues of omission, not commission.

Hang in there mama. Unfortunately, you are not alone in watching a child go through ugly playground behavior. Sending you lots of and .

I hope you do find ways to empower you DD too. I'm trying to do that with my DD too; this week the child told her "I don't like your clothes", so I told to say "Well, I like my clothes" in a loud voice so that if the teacher hears her she is aware that something is happening. So far, I was told they are aware that there is an issue, but I don't hear what they are doing about it.
red17 is offline  
Old 02-26-2010, 12:51 PM
 
amma_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In a parallel universe
Posts: 998
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Congratulations on turning things around between your DD and DH - he sounds like a wonderful dad and they will both benefit form the renewed bonding. I know when I am feeling stressed that, if I "let" her, my DD is the best anecdote.

I am also happy to hear that your DD has had good playdates with some of theo ther girls - keep that up so that she has her own network of relationships. I agree with you that you shuold NOT do a playdate with the one girl that has been exclusionary - there is nothing to gain from that and a lot more to lose.

Regarding the teacher's response, I would find that very disappointing, especially if it something that has been happening to alot of children. I would not necessarily cast the other girl as "bad" but unble to communicate her feelings in less hurtful way - this is something that needs to be modelled by her parents and, yes, the teacher. It is OK to NOT be friends with everybody, but children need to learn how to be polite and treat others with respect. I don't know, though, if I would bring this up with the other mother - it would have to be done in a way that is non-accusatory but I just cannot think of the right words or approach (not my strong suit). If I were the mother, I would want to know so that I can work with my own child to communicate in a more appropriate manner.

This is also a lesson for your DD and others and they cannot expect to be friends with everybody and there are lots of other people to play with. I know that it is hard to reach a balance of expressing empathy (without making the non-relationship something to dwell on) and being dismissive as if these hurtful interaction do not matter. I try to let mee DD know that I understand her feelings and then get her to focus on her real friends and the positive stuff - "so who DID you play with today? What did you do together? Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun!"

I have enouraged my own DD to avoid the girl that she complains is not nice to her. Though she talks about her less and less as time goes by, she still insists on trying to be her friend because she is "not always" like that (only mostly ). Anyway, I have left it up to her to choose who to befriend and try to encourage her to spend time with those that she gets along with and focus on the "positives" of her day. I encourage her to tell me at least one thing each day that was the "best" part of her day or something she was thankful for - it is particularly important on days that I sense were hard on her for one reason or another to refocus the mind on the good things in life.

Apparently doing it rong and ruining it for everyone, but I don't give a crap anymorebanana.gif

amma_mama is offline  
Old 02-26-2010, 01:00 PM
 
DaughterOfKali's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 12,203
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm glad she's doing better.

Independent Consultant- Thirty One Gifts www.mythirtyone.com/ShopLiz

Origami Owl http://lizcioci.origamiowl.com

DaughterOfKali is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off