9 year old found internet porn - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 02-18-2010, 01:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
USAmma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Arizona
Posts: 18,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have always been very open with my 9 year old, and a couple of years ago she learned how babies are made and all that. After her questions were answered with the help of an anatomy book and some kid-focused books from the library, the topic was dropped. She did express embarrassment several times when we were watching nature shows that showed mating.

Well, she's been playing with my ipod touch and I assumed she was just playing games that I had downloaded. I went to use the browser, which I almost never use, and found 3 pages of anime porn. I could see the path-- started with regular cartoons on youtube and then that was followed by 3 pages of the cartoon porn including one page of men-on-men. We have already talked about how some people prefer to be with someone of their own gender and our family is okay with that-- so that idea is not foreign to her. But I really did not want her to have images of people (straight or gay, cartoon or not) having sex at her age.

This morning I took her aside and asked her what she's been watching on my ipod. She said cartoons. I said, were they cartoons that were meant for grown-ups? Her face got very very dark and she looked like she was going to cry. I said she was not in trouble, I know she was just curious and that's fine. But I said if you have questions about anything at all, please ask me, and try not to look at things not meant for kids. I again said she was not in trouble, and I loved her very much. I told her when I was her age I found a book showing that stuff because they didn't have internet yet. I said stuff like she was looking at was not real, and not good for kids to look at or think about. And that even some adults (like her parents) don't like to look at stuff like that.

She continued to be embarrassed and I let it go after a hug that she did not return. I'm not sure what to do next. Obviously put a password protect on the browser, but what else? How can I handle this to build trust and discourage this, while showing her that I trust her to make the right decisions?

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
USAmma is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-18-2010, 01:28 PM
 
*bejeweled*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 4,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You handled that so well Mama.

I'll be watching the responses because I need to do the same thing with filters, etc.

Me afro.jpg reading.gif Wife and Mom to modifiedartist.gif cat.gifdog2.gif.
*bejeweled* is offline  
Old 02-18-2010, 02:06 PM
 
DaughterOfKali's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 12,203
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you handled it well so far.

Not sure what I would from this point, though.

Independent Consultant- Thirty One Gifts www.mythirtyone.com/ShopLiz

Origami Owl http://lizcioci.origamiowl.com

DaughterOfKali is offline  
Old 02-18-2010, 04:30 PM
 
zeldamomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,190
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you did very well. The only I thing I think to add would be to offer to answer any questions she has about the stuff she saw.
zeldamomma is offline  
Old 02-18-2010, 07:29 PM
 
starlein26's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 5,813
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by USAmma View Post
But I said if you have questions about anything at all, please ask me, and try not to look at things not meant for kids. I again said she was not in trouble, and I loved her very much. I told her when I was her age I found a book showing that stuff because they didn't have internet yet. I said stuff like she was looking at was not real, and not good for kids to look at or think about. And that even some adults (like her parents) don't like to look at stuff like that.
This is a very shaming angle to take, imo. At that point, what was done, was done. I would have left it at being open to her questions and possibly asking her some questions about it and possibly password protecting certain sites. I mean, if she knows about sex (and where babies come from)...it seems odd to say that this stuff isn't real...or that she shouldn't think about it? I don't know...It seems to me that possibly you might have some shame when it comes to sexuality?

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
starlein26 is offline  
Old 02-18-2010, 07:49 PM
 
rhiOrion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 4,164
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by starlein26 View Post
This is a very shaming angle to take, imo. At that point, what was done, was done. I would have left it at being open to her questions and possibly asking her some questions about it and possibly password protecting certain sites. I mean, if she knows about sex (and where babies come from)...it seems odd to say that this stuff isn't real...or that she shouldn't think about it? I don't know...It seems to me that possibly you might have some shame when it comes to sexuality?
I think when the OP said "not real" that she was referring to it being cartoons.

Hippie sympathizer and mom to L, 4.8.10.
Pet-mom to Squirt with FLUTD & Maya the deaf wonder dog .
rhiOrion is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 01:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
USAmma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Arizona
Posts: 18,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiOrion View Post
I think when the OP said "not real" that she was referring to it being cartoons.
Thank you! That's what I meant. Besides the fact that they were cartoons, even regular porn is staged and not real (just like movies are not real).

BTW, we are all parents here, and I came here for support and ideas. We can constructively criticize without hurting feelings. We should not judge each other with harsh words like "shame." If only we could talk to each other as carefully as we try to talk to our children.

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
USAmma is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 01:18 PM
 
GoBecGo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,405
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No porn is "real" and viewing it as such is very detrimental to normal sexual development, OP i think telling her it wasn't real was absolutely the right thing to do.

I think you did fine - she was probably somewhat aware when she was looking at it that it wasn't really "for her". I think her embarrassment afterwards is very normal in that situation, especially given she's on the cusp of puberty herself and probably beginning to think those thoughts she might not necessarily want to share.

I think you should limit the browser to prevent anyone accessing porn and then go on letting her use the machine. That will both protect her AND show you trust her. We have porn blockers on our cable, internet and etc. as a matter of course, because we have a kid we just decided that "yes" to the parental control thing means we don't have to retread old ground after the event (my DD is much younger than yours though!).

Really i wouldn't worry about it too much, i think you handled it well.
GoBecGo is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 01:21 PM
 
sunflwrmoonbeam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,662
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm of the opinion that the "not real" discussion is necessary for porn. My DD isn't even 8 months old yet, but when it comes up with any of my children I plan to emphasize that what they see on t.v. or the internet is not how sex works in real life, with some details as to why. It's my opinion that the most damaging thing about porn is how unrealistic it is, and the ensuing pornification of "normal" sexual relations.

To the OP, I think you handled it beautifully.

Ashley, Pagan treehugger.gif mama to E (6/09) and my beautiful hbac.gif baby T (4/3/12)
sunflwrmoonbeam is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 01:26 PM
 
NiteNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
I would worry about telling her not to think about it because it's pretty tough to control what you think and it's perfectly normal for her to think about what she's seen.
NiteNicole is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 01:55 PM
 
Jessy1019's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Flemington, NJ
Posts: 3,222
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
I would worry about telling her not to think about it because it's pretty tough to control what you think and it's perfectly normal for her to think about what she's seen.
I agree . . . that's the one thing that stood out to me in the OP. It's okay to think about it . . . cartoon versions of it OR the real thing, and you don't want her to feel guilty when she does think about what she saw (or when she thinks about sex in the future). I would consider revisiting the subject with her to address that issue, and then letting it go unless she has any questions.

Proud Anti-Adoption, Atheist, Reproductive-Freedom Fighter Mama
Rylie is 7, Ronin is 3.5
Jessy1019 is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 02:54 PM
 
starlein26's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 5,813
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by USAmma View Post
Thank you! That's what I meant. Besides the fact that they were cartoons, even regular porn is staged and not real (just like movies are not real).

BTW, we are all parents here, and I came here for support and ideas. We can constructively criticize without hurting feelings. We should not judge each other with harsh words like "shame." If only we could talk to each other as carefully as we try to talk to our children.
I was actually trying to offer constructive criticism, and I'm sorry to have hurt your feelings. I was approaching it from your child's perspective. If I had been the child in this instance...I would have felt a lot of shame.

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
starlein26 is offline  
Old 02-20-2010, 11:42 AM
 
sunnmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: surrounded by love
Posts: 6,123
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by USAmma View Post
How can I handle this to build trust and discourage this, while showing her that I trust her to make the right decisions?
I think it is likely that she stumbled upon it, but continued to look because she was very curious (like most of us at that age). If she tries to look again, it will be because she is still very curious.

You mentioned the anatomy books and some kid-friendly books from the library. Does she own books on the subject that she could explore as she chooses? It's great that you opened the door for her to ask you questions, but she may be more comfortable exploring good reference material on her own.

But, to be honest, considering her embarrassed reaction...I doubt it will happen again. She is probably horrified that you saw what she saw...you know that she saw that!...and won't be taking that chance again, lol.
sunnmama is offline  
Old 02-20-2010, 12:47 PM
 
MomOf3boyz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 40
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I hope you aren't feeling hurt by anything that was said here

You handled the situation very well. The moment that your daughters face got dark, she felt embarrassed, and I don't think that you said anything to make the situation worse for her at all.

Protecting the computer browsing is a great place to start. However, if she has questions/curiosities then she will find a way to research those. I would just take a very proactive approach from here on out with your DD and make sure that you are the one steering as she researches.

More to you mama!
MomOf3boyz is offline  
Old 02-21-2010, 03:09 PM
 
meemee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,624
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
i am going to assume that she didnt continue to look, but that she was trying to get out of it and the only way out was actually getting her more into it.

i dont know 'specifically', but i find my best parenting tool these days are just sitting down and talking. sometimes dd isnt interested in discussing it. in fact i am noticing she absolutely doenst like her mistakes brought up at all.

i notice that also dd doesnt like talking about it right in the beginning. you ignore it for a while and then talk about it.

i guess these are new grounds you are discovering. i am thinking at some point we have to also get used to the fact that our kids wont ALWAYS want to talk to us. i remember that about my childhood.

so i think it would be a good idea to make sure she has someone else to talk to. this will be v. helpful thru her teenage years. someone you can trust and someone she enjoys.

i know with my friends kids, they tell their gma stuff they wont share with their mom. and i think that's absolutely ok.

perhaps at that point she was too embarrased to talk about it.

 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is online now  
Old 02-23-2010, 12:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
USAmma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Arizona
Posts: 18,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks so much for your support. :-)

I talked with her about it further and she did say she came upon it by accident but then was curious and clicked on a couple of more links. She has happily agreed to not having internet access on the ipod when she's playing games, and has agreed to stay only on approved websites. We have it password protected as well. I told her it's not because we don't trust her to stay away from them on her own, but because we don't trust the internet. Also I pointed out that we don't want to have her younger sister finding that stuff. I told her once again how proud I was that she told me the truth about it, and I told her if she ever gets into trouble of any kind or makes a mistake, to please come to me and I will help her figure out a solution. I said that goes for things that happen with her friends, too. She will never ever get in trouble for coming to me if she's in trouble or needs help.

I think getting her an anatomy book of her own is a great idea! And perhaps also one of those books written for pre-teen girls with all those questions and answers in them. Not just about sex but about puberty, which is right around the corner for her anyway, and about how to handle peer pressure and all that.

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
USAmma is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off