Just wanted some suggestions about my 5 dd - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-03-2002, 04:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My 5 1/2 dd is generally easy going and even tempered. The problem is when she loses it she really loses it. She treats me badly ( yelling,saying she doesn't like me, and sometimes trying to kick me). This happens about once a week. This could be prompted by anything so there is not a pattern that I see.
My question is how to deal with this. I don't want to discourage her from expressing herself. I wish she would let it out more often but in an appropiate way. I tell her she is being disrespectful. I let her know she is hurting my feelings and tell her it is not ok to hurt me,physically or emotionally. If I try to talk to her in firm voice she says I am being mean to her. We talk about this later,after all is calm, and she responds positively. But then it happens again. I don't want to allow her to treat me like this but I don't know what else to do. It feels like talking to her is not doing much good.
By the way we don't believe in spanking, timeouts,or any other form of demeaning punishment. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
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Old 05-03-2002, 04:12 PM
 
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Laura,
What about an appropriate object to take her anger out on? I am thinking about those blow up punching bag, or a special "angry" pillow. She can get her aggression out with this, and then when she is calmer you can talk about what was bothering her.
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Old 05-03-2002, 10:32 PM
 
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I like Khrisday's idea. Offer her a pillow to punch or shout into. Give her a red (or whatever color) crayon to "draw her anger out." In other words, let her express her anger in more positive ways.
Then once she's calm again, maybe you could ask her to tell you gently what upset her. If you would like, you could also ask her during a calmer time to give some suggestions as to how she would like to express her anger other than the pillow and drawing suggestion.
I think she just wants you to know how angry she is and needs a little guidance as to how to express it.
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Old 05-05-2002, 06:03 PM
 
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Sounds like you are handling the situation very well! You are allowing her to express her feelings and not 'punishing' her for doing so. Just keep telling her how you feel when she yells or strikes out at you. Keep you words simple, honest and heartfelt. She does not want to make you sad. If she sees that her behavior hurts you, she may mellow out a bit. Also - continue to demostrate appropriate behavior. Show her how to respectfully express herself by your example.
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Old 05-08-2002, 07:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your suggestions. We have been doing a lot of what was mentioned . What I also did was talk to her at a seperate time about how was I feeling. We have also been talking about what precipitates this behavior. She and I are trying to work on expressing our feelings more often to each other. Thanks again.
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Old 05-23-2002, 12:59 AM
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Hello! I also have dd very similar situation. i don't believe in spanking, TO's, or anything that demeans or devalues as a form of discipline. My dd (6 yrs old as of yesterday!) is a very loving, caring child. At age 5.5 or so, same thing-hitting, punching, throwing, etc.

Solution: Saturday is exclusively Mama-daughter day, with time put aside specifically for tantrums/fits/whatever they are called. It took a lot of positive talking (three mos) before the hitting/throwing/physical violence ended. Now Sat. morn is a good one hr of me listening completely and w/o comment to anything/everything she needs to voice. Then we spend however much time she needs crying. I let her always choose if she wants a hand to hold, or for complete laptime, or whatever physical closeness. After a break, lunch, and nap we have discussion time. She is allowed to ask questions and I do my best to answer, and I get time to ask her ?'s and hear her responses.
When discussion time ends, she gets to chose one or two activities she wants to do with Mama (play at park, swim, draw, read, even play Barbies : )

I know it is not easy, it has been extremely difficult, but I look at my dd and see someone who is a loving, caring, intelligent human being and treats others the same. I have spent six mos tantrum free when in public! It is worth the time and energy.

I do have one more comment: I do not believe the punching pillow/bag theory works. Violence begets violence. I teach my dd and ds that it is okay to be angry, hurt, etc. but it is not okay to hurt others or self. Hands are for holding, not hitting. When a person gets in the habit of hitting when angry, hurt, frustrated it is all too easy to hit a living being.

Sorry my post is so long, but I hope it helps...
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Old 05-23-2002, 03:51 AM
 
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mama in the boonies,

I really like your approach. My oldest dd is the same age and the same kind of thing going on -oh, those public tantrums!

I know that if I spent the time you describe with her, it would probably stop as well. You have inspired me and though I don't think I could do the whole day as I also have a 4 yr old dd who is pretty mommy attached, I've been planning a lot more mommy/Emma time. In fact tomorrow I have planned to take my younger to a friend's house and spend the after school hours doing something with my 6 yr old.

Thanks for your post!

Alison
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Old 05-25-2002, 12:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello and thanks for the new comments. We have been doing well together in reading each other's moods. We both remind each other of our tone of voice and if we are not feeling so great at the moment.This has helped tremendously!! She is really good at noticing if she is feeling like being alone,uncooperative,or tired.
Hate to be sexist but life is so very different with my dd than my other 4 ds. She is much moodier and needs alot more understanding. My other guys just always seemed to go with the flow.I am sure it could just be a coincicdence or our female energy just butting up against each other.Who knows,but I think she is just great!! She has been my greatest teacher of all.
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Old 06-01-2002, 12:39 AM
 
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Dear daughters can be moody, but others may not be--it is not necessarily a gender thing.

Anyway, if your daughter is striking out at you and being disrespectful of you, I don't think it is demeaning to isolate her until she calms down.

If you allow her to run roughshod over you, how can you expect her to realize that the feelings of other people are important?
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Old 06-02-2002, 07:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I do agree that my dd needs respect other people's feelings and their bodies. . I guess the angle I am using is role modeling and trying to be proactive with her. This way she can anticipate how she is feeling and learn how to take care of herself without stomping on other people's feelings. I guess the thing I am uncomfortable about when it comes to isolating her when she speaks out is I don't want to send her a message of "I only want to be around you when you are being who I want you to be." Does that make sense? I want her to be entitled to all of her feelings not just good ones but bad ones too. I want to show her through demonstration that I accept her no matter what,my love is unconditional!!! I am not at all saying that your suggestion does not embrace that. I am just justifying my beliefs on how I want to raise my children. This may or may not be the "right way" but it is the only way I can parent. Thanks for your thoughts.
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