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DD lost it in the park yesterday

1K views 25 replies 15 participants last post by  ewe+lamb 
#1 ·
OK so here's the story: DD (7)has a hard time making friends and has had a history of being bullied, ds(4) doesn't on either score, we were at the park yesterday and ds's best friend(5) started teasing DD, DD asked for her to stop and of course she didn't after this went on for a while, dd lost it, I mean i've never seen her so angry with someone, she screamed and shouted at ds's bf and I then asked the mother to intervene as she was sitting there oblivious to the situation or maybe just not wanting to see what was going on.

I guess I found it hard as, as you all know we have this thing about controlling emotions, I try not to, but in the park which was really busy I didn't like the fact that many people were talking about her reaction - I didn't find that I was embarrassed - which also took me by surprise, I don't want to block her emotions and I understand that the situation WAS very frustrating for her - they girls do have a history of not getting on, but how do I help her to express her emotions but just not in such a strong way - or should I just let her stand there and be really angry - I asked if she wanted to gather her thoughts and have her have a few minutes to herself but no she wanted to stand there and be cross and angry - I also understand that having such a strong reaction is a positive thing but out in public isn't socially acceptable and now I'm feeling a little lost, I don't want to stop the emotion but need to give her the skills to control them in a more socially acceptable manner - any thoughts?

Thanking you all in advance
 
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#3 ·
I'm wondering why you didn't stop the teasing when it started and separate the children or leave the park altogether when your DD continued to feel attacked. What should your DD's reaction have been? She asked for the child to stop teasing her. You don't mention anyone else stepping in to talk with the kids about respecting each other. I imagine that your DD felt helpless and had enough, and reacted by standing up for herself when no one else did. That's much better than her slinking off and becoming self-destructive, or her hitting the other child. I think I'd validate her feelings and organize playdates between DS and his best friend separate from DD. She should be around people who are respectful towards her. I wouldn't worry too much about controlling the amount of emotion she shows. It's more important to understand and validate her feelings, and help her navigate those relationships in healthy ways - including stepping in when children are being disrespectful. Have you had any luck in determining why she's having difficulties with friendships and why she's picked on so often? Would a social skills group be helpful?
 
#4 ·
Well, I didn't wan't to let you think you were all alone, but I, for the life of me, can't think what to tell you. I think it's smart to encourage your children to express their emotions and eventually name them and then progress to finer abilities with managing those emotions. It's also hard to understand that a kid might pick up on observers' discomfort and read censure there. I also have a hard time with that fine line you are on.

The way I usually handle things like that is to, after the heat has died down for my child, explain that it was perfectly understandable that she was angry, but that sometimes it's better to express your feelings in smaller ways......I would explain that in terms of manners. I tell my kids that good manners are about making other people feel comfortable and maybe here yelling was making others feel uncomfortable. Then give her some concrete things she can maybe do next time to either diffuse the anger for herself (like tell the other child to leave here alone for a few minutes, and then get an adult to help negotiate if that didn't work), or things to do to help her express her anger in a way that might not make her the centre of attention (if that's what is bothering her about the situation).

How's she feeling today? Have you talked about it with her (has she brought it up?)? Did she also feel that other paople were making a big deal about her reaction or was that just your observation?

I'm also not sure I totally get how the whole thing happened. I read that you asked the other mother to intervene.....I assume you mean in the 5YO's behavior, as in get her to stop bugging and teasing your DD. Did you see the situation begin to escalate? I guess I'd suggest that if your DD is going through a phase where it's particularly difficult for her to negotiate for herself and she's getting frustrated, maybe you need to be right on top of it for a bit to role-model some coping strategies for her? Dunno. Hope some of that helped. Tough situation. Hope she wasn't upset for too long.
 
#5 ·
I had a response typed out but decided I didn't want you to think I was blaming you. I wanted to know why you didn't tell the other kid to knock it off and then find something else to keep your daughter occupied? I don't think I'd let another kid pick at mine till she "lost it" or ask the other kid's parent to step up if she had clearly been ignoring it.

In my experience and from what I've observed, "please stop teasing me" and "don't do that, I don't like it" don't ever work. The only things that usually help are having a snappier come back, pretending to be bored (and this is pretty sophisticated social interaction for a seven year old, I think), or an adult putting a stop to it.

IMO, the thing to fix is not your child's reaction, but letting things get to that point in the first place. She needs to learn to walk away or tell someone in charge that she needs help. But "losing it" after someone has been teasing you for ages and you've been asking them to stop seems pretty normal to me.
 
#6 ·
I think I understand where you are coming from parenting wise with this. You are like me and allow the children to work out their own stuff. This sounds hard to diagnose. Perhaps under it all, there is a jealousy from dd to ds' best friend? All I can think of is to tell dd about the 10 second rule. That it is good to take time when we are upset before acting. Also, let her know when someone is bothering her it is okay to withdraw. She can just leave the area of abuse and go someplace else to still her mind. I don't know your children, but hoping dd has the wherewithal to learn about going to her happy place and stilling her mind? My almost 7 yr old has resisted all my attempts to teach her meditation, but perhaps your dd would be open to it. I find it odd that dd asked the other child's mother to intervene. Perhaps she is asking for more adult involvement in this way. Perhaps she is at an age, or has seen that type of thing on tv and so wants things handled that way. It is hard to have the 'hand off' approach when others have so many other ways of doing things, like they feel they have to 'teach' sharing, separate children and manage their play and interactions. As our children get older, perhaps we have to participate in that a bit simply because that is the 'norm'? Like maybe your dd wanted you to intervene and tell ds' bf to stop the teasing? I still believe, based on what I gather about your parenting style from this post (which sounds similar to mine) that helping dd learn to walk away when a situation becomes unpleasant and stilling her mind before coming back is the best way of approaching this. Also, in the future, perhaps try to have playdates between the youngers happening at a time when you can be busy with dd in another area, like the tots playing in room and you and dd making a cake or dinner in kitchen? just thoughts... my child is the bossy one (apple not far from tree) and we rarely interact with other children so haven't been here...
 
#7 ·
I would sit down with her and talk about what her options are when she is being teased and asking the teaser to stop doesn't work.

Possible options-- walk away, go sit near a trusted adult, find someone else to play with... I would emphasize the ways she can take control of the situation, so she feels less helpless.

Is there a reason you didn't intervene when all this was going on? Next time you might want to either call your child over to remind her of her options, or just tell the teaser to knock it off.

ZM
 
#8 ·
I would have been snippy to that other mother. How dare she allow her child to tease someone and right in front of her! I would sacrifice a best friend for a sister in my opinion. Maybe these people aren't who you need to have playdates with. My daughter's feelings would be very important. It sounds like she has a rough road in front of her and doesn't need this. (but then again I've never been in this situation just speaking from an emotional stand point)
 
#9 ·
to your dd, i don't really know what to say just didn't want to read and not reply.
my little sister Tazmin has trouble with bullies quite often at school, she can ignore it to a point but if they don't knock it off she will retaliate, usually by hitting back and then she gets into trouble

the girls mum should have intervened and told her dd. that it is not nice to tease your dd. and to either stop or she would take her home, if any of my lo's were doing it that is what i would have done.
 
#10 ·
I don't yet have kids that age (mine are just 3 & 10 mos), but I tend to think that at so me point if teasing continues, I'd intervene for my child on their behalf and ask the other child to go find something else to do - and same w/ my child. (heck, I tell ds1 to do that already - ' x has that right now, go find something else to do, theres a million toys around here, go play with something else!')
 
#11 ·
I think at this point all you can do it help your DD process what happened and what she can do in the future to deal with it more productively.

I get why you didn't intervene - sometimes we have to let our kids try to figure things out for themselves. I highly doubt this went on and on and on while you watched and did nothing.

Sometimes, it's hard to know when to step in. Especially at 7. She's not a baby anymore and needs to learn to deal with these situations but, she's also not savvy enough to have figured it all out.

So, in this situation, she snapped before she could deal with it. It happens.

So, I'd sit down with her and process it. Find out what she was thinking. Brainstorm with her ways of handling it in the future.

I agree with the PP who said "please stop" and "don't tease me" don't work. I always tell my kids to look at the other child with a seriously bored look and say something along the lines of "either cut it out our I'm done" and if it doesn't stop then then need to just say "whatever" and walk away.

I teach my kids to never let the offender see them hurt or upset or let them know that they've bothered my child in any way. Bullies love that. They love to know that they've gotten under your skin. If you don't give them the satisfaction, they'll stop.

I'm sorry that happened to your DD
 
#12 ·
I teach my kids to never let the offender see them hurt or upset or let them know that they've bothered my child in any way. Bullies love that. They love to know that they've gotten under your skin. If you don't give them the satisfaction, they'll stop.

Same here. We can't always be there to intervene, and, they need to have the resources/skills to handle it on their own. After my dd, at 5, lost it at a birthday party - literally screaming at the top of her lungs - we had several discussions and read a book together to try to give her some skills for handling difficult social situations.
 
#13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ewe+lamb View Post
OK so here's the story: DD (7)has a hard time making friends and has had a history of being bullied, ........
This is the part of your post that jumped out at me, because DS has had the same issues. He had a hard time dealing with situations where he has to defend himself verbally. He also isn't always to tell the difference between teasing and bullying. He was badly bullied in kindy, to the point where the bully was expelled, so he automatically tended to overreact to even mild teasing from friends. With the help of his therapist, the bullying in school was that bad, we've used very specific strategies to help learn to deal with situations like that.

1. For the first few months after he finished Kindy last spring, we tried to make sure DS was only around kids he liked and trusted. If there were issues, I'd call DS over for a few minutes (I'd make up a reason like he needed more sun block) and give him a chance to decompress. Afterwards, we'd talk about what happened and different ways to handle it.

2. I taught him to name his emotions in private when he wasn't under a lot of stress. I tried to model by naming how I felt, why I felt that way, and how to deal with it. I told him stories about similar situations when I was a kid and how I handle it, giving examples good and poor choices I made. I'd point out examples in real life and in movies and we'd talk about how he thought the people felt, what was happening, and how they could handle it.

3. We rehearsed over and over how to react to different situations. What to do and say, what body language and tone of voice to use, when to walk away, and when to tell an adult.

4. We worked on everyone in our family learning self control. DS and DH take martial arts, I meditate. The martial art has really helped with his self esteem as well.

5. One specific area where DS needed help was how to react to younger kids who annoy him without looking or acting like a bully. This involved very specific steps. Ask the kid to stop, if they don't stop walk away, if they follow you and keep teasing you, tell an adult that you've asked them and could they deal with the kid.

6. I gradually backed off and started letting him handle things on his own.
It took several months, but he is a different kid. He stood up to a kid three years older who was teasing him. When he has an issue with kids in the neighborhood, he deal with it on his own. He's made several friends on his own this year. He still has moments when he overreacts, but generally he does great on his own.
 
#14 ·
I'm having a hard time with 2 parts of your post.

1) Letting your DD become so frustrated that she exploded. I find it really useful to intervene before that happens. I generally tell the kid directly to knock it off. I will even follow that up with a "do we need to talk to your mom about this?".

2) You let your DD scream at another kid. 2 wrongs don't make a right. We've always made it clear to our kids that they are allowed to feel however they want. But they need to express those emotions acceptably. This means that they can do whatever they like in their rooms (or some other form of privacy we can find). My DS likes to throw stuffed animals. And when it's just family they can go pretty far down the emotion road. But when there are other people around, they need to use their words and their mostly normal voices. If one of my kids was loosing it, I would remove them from the situation. If it was possible, like I wasn't watching other kids, I would stay with them until they'd calmed down. But I wouldn't let them throw a fit in a crowded place.
 
#15 ·
The girls have a history of not getting alone & yet you allowed this to continue for a while, then had to tell the girl's mother to get her to stop. If your dd's reaction was enough for strangers to be commenting the mother had to have known it happened right.

If the girls were strangers or it was something that normally didn't happen I'd have let it go a while & then intervened myself.

Since this happens normally between these 2 girls I would have stepped in and stopped it after the first teasing of the day. I would be limiting the contact between the 2 girls. I would even go as far as to tell the other girl that if she can't show respect that she will not be allowed to play with either of your kids.

Allowing this girl to treat your dd like this without stopping it from the beginning is showing your dd & ds it's okay to be treated like that.
 
#16 ·
Thank you all replying and I do appreciate your thoughts.

Just to expand on the situation, as I sort compressed everything so it wasn't too long a post however, here's the unabridged version.

We live in France, the kids are bilingual, dd was bullied not only by her class mates in kindergarten (maternelle) but her teacher that year didn't do anything to stop it; dd actually stopped talking in school; completely, there was one child imparticular who bullied her, she wasn't expelled as such but the teachers spoke with her mother and she left - dd arrived in primary school and quite honestly I have re-discovered my dd who was lost to us for a while! Hust to reassure you all my dh and I went to see both head teachers about the situation and it was dealt with.

Now two years on the wounds are healing but obviously not to the point where she can defend herself, and she does tend to turn to me to help her sort this sort of thing out - I don't mind, of course I don't I'm her mother, but am not sure if I am helping by taking her side all the time when maybe she could rely more on some skills that I could teach her .

On to the park situation; I had arranged with another friend to meet up with her kids - the same age as mine, in the park on Saturday bring water pistols and games so that the kids could get out of the flat and enjoy the hot weather - it was 30° or so, the little brother came up but unfortunately the sister who is dd's age was held up at another activity and couldn't make it, so there was the disappointment that her friend wasn't coming but they all settled down and all was well, things were going along great.

Then ds's best friend arrived with her mother - we didn't know that they would be coming along because we were also in a park that we don't usually go to, anyway I couldn't exactly tell her to go away ... the girls played together for about 20 minutes or so and there seemed to be no problem, then they decided to go off and play in the play area - just so that you get the idea of the park, it's an old orchard with lots of fruit trees, and in the centre there is a play area which is completely surrounded by a beech hedge of about 2 metres and the gate to that part is at the other side of where we were sitting, the girls were gone for about 10 minutes when dd came back very very angry but not crying, I was trying to find out what had happened when ds's bf came out shouting nasty things at dd, ds went in to protect his sister and said that it wasn't true and ds's bf (I wonder if that's the case now) started on him, he then was upset and came to me, I tried give dd the chance to go settle down because - as someone mentioned - yes dd does do yoga and meditates and is actually very good at it, but as I mentioned in my first post she didn't want to and needed to get all that anger out.

So I was trying to deal with both my kids and asked the mother to step in, I all happened in less than a minute or two - although it seemed alot more at the time, I'm not making any excuses but I was just quite overwhelmed with the situation and was upset at seeing my dd so upset and angry, the bf then tried to apologise but of course for both my kids it was too late and they wouldn't accept the apologies, I had already started to pack up and the kids were ready and wanted to go home at that stage, I actually walked back with my other friend whose little boy was with us, and she too was surprised at the lethargy of this other mother.

The family of ds's bf are moving house on Wednesday, so there's all that emotion for the child as well, but then as I can be understanding I can't let this go, I asked dd if she wanted me to help her in any way, and she said yes. #1 thing was not to let ds's bf invite herself for lunch today - I know that she will ask as they are leaving on Wed. but we have all agreed - i spoke to ds as well this morning - that we'll just have lunch together.

We live in a really rough area of Paris, where the kids are constantly smacked and hit, not supposed to show any emotion etc so from that side of things we are considered to be rather strange, (please don't suggest moving that's just not a possibility, as much as we'd all like to) I don't mind but I do find that by teaching our children to be sensitive to others needs and kind through AP then I'm sort of setting them up for a fall, not that I want to start hitting my kids but how do you toughen the kids up without loosing that sincerity and kindness which makes them look weak to the other kids around them - at school etc,

I need to go collect the kids for lunch but wanted to post beforehand and then I'll reply individually to folk.

Thank you again for the posts and I hope that I have made things clearer for folk, if any one has anything to add please feel free.
 
#17 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MammaG View Post
Well, I didn't wan't to let you think you were all alone, but I, for the life of me, can't think what to tell you. I think it's smart to encourage your children to express their emotions and eventually name them and then progress to finer abilities with managing those emotions. It's also hard to understand that a kid might pick up on observers' discomfort and read censure there. I also have a hard time with that fine line you are on.

The way I usually handle things like that is to, after the heat has died down for my child, explain that it was perfectly understandable that she was angry, but that sometimes it's better to express your feelings in smaller ways......I would explain that in terms of manners. I tell my kids that good manners are about making other people feel comfortable and maybe here yelling was making others feel uncomfortable. Then give her some concrete things she can maybe do next time to either diffuse the anger for herself (like tell the other child to leave here alone for a few minutes, and then get an adult to help negotiate if that didn't work), or things to do to help her express her anger in a way that might not make her the centre of attention (if that's what is bothering her about the situation).

How's she feeling today? Have you talked about it with her (has she brought it up?)? Did she also feel that other paople were making a big deal about her reaction or was that just your observation?

I'm also not sure I totally get how the whole thing happened. I read that you asked the other mother to intervene.....I assume you mean in the 5YO's behavior, as in get her to stop bugging and teasing your DD. Did you see the situation begin to escalate? I guess I'd suggest that if your DD is going through a phase where it's particularly difficult for her to negotiate for herself and she's getting frustrated, maybe you need to be right on top of it for a bit to role-model some coping strategies for her? Dunno. Hope some of that helped. Tough situation. Hope she wasn't upset for too long.
Bolded mine to answer:

I'm fairly sure that dd didn't notice the comments in her anger, it was when I was tidying up and taking things to the bins that I heard folk commenting that at her age she should be able to control herself better than that, but then these are the parents that tell their kids that they don't feel this, that or the next thing, so I'm not too phased by this.

I like the idea of suggesting that she show her emotion in a smaller way - and will talk to her about this at lunch time i.e. she's still allowed to feel what she's feeling, but just demonstrate differently, allowing her to feel that her emotions are still justified.

As I mentioned in the post above - I didn't see the whole thing escalate and felt abit overwhelmed when it all rushed in at me - I guess I was thinking falsely that finally they were getting on and had maybe broken through this difficult part - I don't know if I could have reacted quicker but certainly i could have reacted differently too.
 
#18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
I had a response typed out but decided I didn't want you to think I was blaming you. I wanted to know why you didn't tell the other kid to knock it off and then find something else to keep your daughter occupied? I don't think I'd let another kid pick at mine till she "lost it" or ask the other kid's parent to step up if she had clearly been ignoring it.

In my experience and from what I've observed, "please stop teasing me" and "don't do that, I don't like it" don't ever work. The only things that usually help are having a snappier come back, pretending to be bored (and this is pretty sophisticated social interaction for a seven year old, I think), or an adult putting a stop to it.

IMO, the thing to fix is not your child's reaction, but letting things get to that point in the first place. She needs to learn to walk away or tell someone in charge that she needs help. But "losing it" after someone has been teasing you for ages and you've been asking them to stop seems pretty normal to me.
Thank you - bolding is mine so I can reply, I didn't really see the whole thing happening as I mentioned just before but, certainly will take much more care in the future when the kids are in this park and out of view.

This is true - and thank you for pointing this out; I have just talked to dd about your suggestions and she likes the idea of looking bored or just getting a book and ignoring the situation - thank you for this - I think that she will feel empowered if able to do this. She just needs to remember in the heat of the moment - it's all a work in progress.
 
#19 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by karika View Post
I think I understand where you are coming from parenting wise with this. You are like me and allow the children to work out their own stuff. This sounds hard to diagnose. Perhaps under it all, there is a jealousy from dd to ds' best friend? All I can think of is to tell dd about the 10 second rule. That it is good to take time when we are upset before acting. Also, let her know when someone is bothering her it is okay to withdraw. She can just leave the area of abuse and go someplace else to still her mind. I don't know your children, but hoping dd has the wherewithal to learn about going to her happy place and stilling her mind? My almost 7 yr old has resisted all my attempts to teach her meditation, but perhaps your dd would be open to it. I find it odd that dd asked the other child's mother to intervene. Perhaps she is asking for more adult involvement in this way. Perhaps she is at an age, or has seen that type of thing on tv and so wants things handled that way. It is hard to have the 'hand off' approach when others have so many other ways of doing things, like they feel they have to 'teach' sharing, separate children and manage their play and interactions. As our children get older, perhaps we have to participate in that a bit simply because that is the 'norm'? Like maybe your dd wanted you to intervene and tell ds' bf to stop the teasing? I still believe, based on what I gather about your parenting style from this post (which sounds similar to mine) that helping dd learn to walk away when a situation becomes unpleasant and stilling her mind before coming back is the best way of approaching this. Also, in the future, perhaps try to have playdates between the youngers happening at a time when you can be busy with dd in another area, like the tots playing in room and you and dd making a cake or dinner in kitchen? just thoughts... my child is the bossy one (apple not far from tree) and we rarely interact with other children so haven't been here...
Yes, I thought of that last night whilst analyzing the situation for the umpteenth time, I'm also wondering if ds's bf is taking her frustration out on dd but it's really with me that it lies, I don't give empty threats to children or anyone for that matter, she comes to our place alot or to the park with us, so I expect her to behave by our standards and comply with the way our family does when she is with us, I never shout at the kids, but I do explain sometimes in a stern voice about things that I have asked her not to do but she still continues on doing, her mother is slightly more 'laiser faire' than me, and I wonder if she feels that she can't be angry with me and therefore punishes me through dd. Don't know what anyone else thinks about that - but it seems a plausible thought to me.

I often try to do things separately with the kids so that each of them is fulfilled, but if I give the younger kids whatever toys it is to play with, and do something with dd ds's bf always wants to do what we are doing - the grass being greener on the other side, we live in a 60square metre apartment so space is very limited.
 
#20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by beckyand3littlemonsters View Post
to your dd, i don't really know what to say just didn't want to read and not reply.
my little sister Tazmin has trouble with bullies quite often at school, she can ignore it to a point but if they don't knock it off she will retaliate, usually by hitting back and then she gets into trouble

the girls mum should have intervened and told her dd. that it is not nice to tease your dd. and to either stop or she would take her home, if any of my lo's were doing it that is what i would have done.

Thank you - dd has really appreciated reading your reply
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by amcal View Post
I think at this point all you can do it help your DD process what happened and what she can do in the future to deal with it more productively.

I get why you didn't intervene - sometimes we have to let our kids try to figure things out for themselves. I highly doubt this went on and on and on while you watched and did nothing.

Sometimes, it's hard to know when to step in. Especially at 7. She's not a baby anymore and needs to learn to deal with these situations but, she's also not savvy enough to have figured it all out.

So, in this situation, she snapped before she could deal with it. It happens.

So, I'd sit down with her and process it. Find out what she was thinking. Brainstorm with her ways of handling it in the future.

I agree with the PP who said "please stop" and "don't tease me" don't work. I always tell my kids to look at the other child with a seriously bored look and say something along the lines of "either cut it out our I'm done" and if it doesn't stop then then need to just say "whatever" and walk away.

I teach my kids to never let the offender see them hurt or upset or let them know that they've bothered my child in any way. Bullies love that. They love to know that they've gotten under your skin. If you don't give them the satisfaction, they'll stop.

I'm sorry that happened to your DD

After the kids have their bath this evening I'm going to get them to settle down and do some meditation and yoga and then try to speak to dd and then to ds, then come together to find out how they think we could have handled the situation better together - this is a great idea - thank you.
 
#22 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by K1329 View Post
I teach my kids to never let the offender see them hurt or upset or let them know that they've bothered my child in any way. Bullies love that. They love to know that they've gotten under your skin. If you don't give them the satisfaction, they'll stop.

Same here. We can't always be there to intervene, and, they need to have the resources/skills to handle it on their own. After my dd, at 5, lost it at a birthday party - literally screaming at the top of her lungs - we had several discussions and read a book together to try to give her some skills for handling difficult social situations.
Yes, we spoke about letting people see her emotions today, and she said that she knows this but just can't help it - she said that she felt like she was suffocating and it just had to come out, i'd love to know what the book was that you read together - can you give me a clue?
 
#23 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by NightOwlwithowlet View Post
This is the part of your post that jumped out at me, because DS has had the same issues. He had a hard time dealing with situations where he has to defend himself verbally. He also isn't always to tell the difference between teasing and bullying. He was badly bullied in kindy, to the point where the bully was expelled, so he automatically tended to overreact to even mild teasing from friends. With the help of his therapist, the bullying in school was that bad, we've used very specific strategies to help learn to deal with situations like that. I'm sorry that this happened to your child as well, bullying is horrible and we have been dealing with the aftermath for a while - but it does feel like it's getting better

1. For the first few months after he finished Kindy last spring, we tried to make sure DS was only around kids he liked and trusted. If there were issues, I'd call DS over for a few minutes (I'd make up a reason like he needed more sun block) and give him a chance to decompress. Afterwards, we'd talk about what happened and different ways to handle it. Yes, this is good, I'm just going to have to keep more of a weather eye on things, I thought things were getting better though and didn't want to be the parent standing by her kids all the time - it's difficult finding the balance

2. I taught him to name his emotions in private when he wasn't under a lot of stress. I tried to model by naming how I felt, why I felt that way, and how to deal with it. I told him stories about similar situations when I was a kid and how I handle it, giving examples good and poor choices I made. I'd point out examples in real life and in movies and we'd talk about how he thought the people felt, what was happening, and how they could handle it.Oooh yes, we can certainly do this

3. We rehearsed over and over how to react to different situations. What to do and say, what body language and tone of voice to use, when to walk away, and when to tell an adult.yes, she really loves theatre so the role playing thing will certainly work I think

4. We worked on everyone in our family learning self control. DS and DH take martial arts, I meditate. The martial art has really helped with his self esteem as well. Mentioned that this would be a good idea in someone else's response, I've been thinking about martial arts, the only thing is that do the kids of this age really understand the true philosophy behind the martial arts?

5. One specific area where DS needed help was how to react to younger kids who annoy him without looking or acting like a bully. This involved very specific steps. Ask the kid to stop, if they don't stop walk away, if they follow you and keep teasing you, tell an adult that you've asked them and could they deal with the kid.I need to reassure her that looking to an adult for help is ok

6. I gradually backed off and started letting him handle things on his own.
It took several months, but he is a different kid. He stood up to a kid three years older who was teasing him. When he has an issue with kids in the neighborhood, he deal with it on his own. He's made several friends on his own this year. He still has moments when he overreacts, but generally he does great on his own.Maybe I backed off too soon, thought that she was able to handle the situations completely before she actually was. Thank you for your thoughts - I really do appreciate it
If anyone has managed to get to the end of this - thank you for your time and consideration and any thoughts are gratefully received.
 
#24 ·
i'd love to know what the book was that you read together - can you give me a clue?

It's an American Girl book... and now that dd can read, I've noticed her rereading it on several occasions. "Stand up for yourself and your friends... How to deal with bullies and find a better way", or, something like that. That's definitely not the exact title, but, it's close. The American girl series has quite a few books on friendship and social situations.
 
#26 ·
i've just looked at the first couple of pages of this website and just wanted to post thanks - this is really great and we're printing off the first lesson so that we can read it together tonight - give her food for thought before going back to school on Thursday - thank you very much.
 
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