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Opposite sex locker room: age limit?

31K views 70 replies 62 participants last post by  Letitia 
#1 ·
My family and I went to swimming today and when we were ready to go home. I walked into women's locker room with my children and I saw that a 7 or 8 years old boy naked as he was putting his clothes on but he was facing the wall. I was startled because my dd1 is 7 years old and I was glad that she didn't see or even knew that the boy was there. She was just minding her own business walking through the locker room as we were heading out of the building. If she had turned her head left and she would have saw him.

I told my husband and he wondered about the age limit of going into another sex's locker room. So, I asked the lady at the cashier if there was any age limit and she was speechless and basically said "We don't really have age limit because sometimes one of the parents did not want their child to go into the locker room alone and preferred to have their children with them." I told her that I understand that but the boy was about 7 or 8 years old and he was naked in women's locker room. My daughter is 7 and she could have seen him naked. She looked like she was "stuck" and didn't really know what else to say. I told her, "its ok" and I left. I can understand the feeling of being a single parent (I was a single mother before ) and didn't want my child to be anywhere alone for many reasons.

I have been to several other places before and the age limit tend to be 5 years old.

I'm just wondering whats everyone's opinion of the age limit to go in another sex's locker room?
 
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#27 ·
My boys are in public swim lessons for the first time this year, and wow, this is tough!

My oldest ds is 6.5, and it would be a disaster for me to either have to take him in to the women's locker room or send him in the men's by himself. He would totally be staring at all the women changing because he's never been in a locker room before, it would just be the novelty of a bunch of people all changing clothes right out in the open. I don't feel it is respectful to assume everyone else in the locker room would be comfortable with a 6.5yo boy's presence (plus the stated age is 5). And if I sent him in the men's room, he would never come out because he would be goofing around and enjoying being out of parental/instructor supervision way too much. He is impulsive, highly curious, and always extremely bent on demonstrating his independence - I don't even want to think what he would get up too! Before I found the family change rooms (which we usually have had to wait for), I just made him a "privacy screen" in the bleachers area by holding a large beach towel around him to change under. I am not happy about sending him in a public restroom by himself in other places although I do it if I don't have a choice, but a big locker room is much different than a restroom IMO.

And then this story was in my local newspaper last month and freaked me out. I do not usually spend a lot of time worrying about the rare worst case scenario, but I won't be sending him into the men's locker room by himself for a few years yet.

Thank goodness for family change rooms.
 
#28 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
I also wouldn't want my own child to feel uncomfortable undressing in front of others. Especially if there was even the slightest chance that another kid that might be watching could be in her school. She'd have been mortified.
This happened to my daughter last May and she was absolutely mortified. Our health club has a rule that if your opposite sex child is over 3 you must use the family locker room and generally it is not ever a problem. Until last May. My DD's and I walked into the women's locker room to change and we immediately saw a boy from my older daughter's class in school (8 years old - the end of 2nd grade) standing completely naked in the middle of the locker room waiting for his mom, who was on her cell phone, to get the shower ready for him. My daughter was so uncomfortable and bolted out of the locker room. Thankfully the girls had their suits on under their clothes so we just stayed by the pool and I waited for my husband to join us so that I could go to the adult only locker room to change since I was very uncomfortable changing infront of a boy who I would be interacting with in the classroom just days later. I did report the mom to membership - there was absolutely no reason to her son to have been in the women's locker room when the family locker room was just a few more feet down the hall.
 
#70 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial
I also wouldn't want my own child to feel uncomfortable undressing in front of others. Especially if there was even the slightest chance that another kid that might be watching could be in her school. She'd have been mortified.

This happened to my daughter last May and she was absolutely mortified. Our health club has a rule that if your opposite sex child is over 3 you must use the family locker room and generally it is not ever a problem. Until last May. My DD's and I walked into the women's locker room to change and we immediately saw a boy from my older daughter's class in school (8 years old - the end of 2nd grade) standing completely naked in the middle of the locker room waiting for his mom, who was on her cell phone, to get the shower ready for him. My daughter was so uncomfortable and bolted out of the locker room. Thankfully the girls had their suits on under their clothes so we just stayed by the pool and I waited for my husband to join us so that I could go to the adult only locker room to change since I was very uncomfortable changing infront of a boy who I would be interacting with in the classroom just days later. I did report the mom to membership - there was absolutely no reason to her son to have been in the women's locker room when the family locker room was just a few more feet down the hall.
Do you not feel bad for the boy?
 
#29 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mama Mko View Post
I wouldn't have had an issue with it. I don't think nudity is a big deal.
You may not have a problem with nudity but there are people who do and they deserve a palce to change where they feel comfortable and safe. Family locker room really are necessary to prevent this.
 
#31 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
You may not have a problem with nudity but there are people who do and they deserve a palce to change where they feel comfortable and safe. Family locker room really are necessary to prevent this.
I think family locker rooms/bathrooms are great! I just said I personally wouldn't have a problem with nudity.
 
#32 ·
The pool where I swim has a policy of six year olds and older having to go to their appropriate locker room. There are no family changing rooms or other options--although I wish there were. I will say that about the age of 5-6, DS1 wanted to go to the men's locker room... as well as the boy's bathroom when we were out. He didn't want to be with the girls anymore.

Nudity is not an issue in our family--so it wouldn't bother me if there were boys in the women's locker room who were older than 6... but I'm not sure what the limit should be. Maybe 8 or 9? Not sure.
 
#33 ·
To me, the solution is to have stalls with curtains or doors for people to change. That's what we have at our pool. Who knows who a little boy might encounter in a men's locker room. I only have girls, so it's easy for me, but I think it would help if there were private changing areas for those who want privacy.
 
#34 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
You may not have a problem with nudity but there are people who do and they deserve a palce to change where they feel comfortable and safe. Family locker room really are necessary to prevent this.
So if you don't want to see others' nudity, why didn't you use the family changing room in the first place?

Our gym has a ridiculously low age of 3. They have a family locker room, but only the open/shared/public/multi-sex locker area is carpeted. There are a few multipurpose locking private shower/toilet rooms, but there's no place to put dry clothes, no dry place to sit, and I hate getting dressed over wet tile. Heck, I'm been known to just dress in the open locker area with my son. I need to sit down on a dry bench to get dressed.
 
#35 ·
Well we used to go to the Y for swim lessons and the sign on the door said "No boys between the ages of 0-99 allowed in the women's locker room"

(I guess when you turn 99 its a free for all!)

And the family changing room didn't have a shower. They also had the rule that you must shower before going in the pool, but made it impossible for people with kids. So we decided to follow one rule and not the other, we used the family changing room but didn't shower!
 
#36 ·
well for the first few times could you bring a male relative/friend? so he can go in the boy one but wont go all crazy and goofy without an adult in charge?

or maybe if he wont come out again ask a employee to 'check on him' i've done that at public bathrooms my 3 1/2 was fascinated with the automatic sinks and i had a male employee just go in and nicely mention that his mom wanted him.\

another idea might be to put on the swim suits at home and then just go home in them too, dry off as much as you can and then change at home.
 
#37 ·
I just wanted to recommend the book "Free Range Kids" to help assuage some of the fears I see in this thread (that boys will be more likely to be sexually abused in male locker rooms).

Your sons are much much more likely to be abused by a relative or somebody you know that by any random guy in a locker room. Part of the problem is that because of the 24-hour news channel, Internet, and Crime Shows... it seems like it's much more prevalent than it is. Actually, crime rates are down to around 1970 levels.

It's normal to want to protect your child (I say this as the mother of two, soon to be three, young boys).... to worry about abuse and such... but reality is, it's very very unlikely to happen... and if it is going to happen, it's much more likely to be a relative or somebody your kid already knows.

http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2...buse-way-down/

Of course, others may have worries about getting burned by the shower or whatever... but it seems like letting boys in a locker room with men is a concern for many Moms.
 
#38 ·
I think people make a bigger issue of this than it is. There's naked people in locker rooms. If you're an extremely private, modest person, don't change in the locker room. No one HAS to do it. It may be more convenient for any number of reasons, but no part of it is necessary.

I think it's silly that people worry about a little boy seeing a woman naked. But I generally think people have too many hang-ups about bodies.

I took my son into the locker room with me as long as we had a gym membership, so he was probably six. There is NO WAY I would have sent him into the men's locker room alone. I would be completely at the mercy of other people and also of my son's ability to stay on task and get the job done. There were family changing rooms, but they were usually busy with people who were overly modest and wanted the privacy of an enclosed place with no one else around. I don't think that's right, but the gym had no enforcement policy when it came to those areas.
 
#39 ·
I think our YMCA had a 6yo limit. It was posted in the room. I took my DD and her friend (a boy who was just barely 5) to swimming lessons. He looked about 7 or 8yo. He sometimes changed in the bathroom or changed more privately outside the bathroom stall, but sometimes really didn't. I guess I never felt bad about it because he's just a little kid. I didn't worry about my DD being private either. Although I did try to keep both of them from yelling about privates or from staring at people
.

If I do end up taking my DD and her friend to swimming lessons again next year I am not sure how it will work because I am really unsure how he would do going to a changeroom alone and meeting properly out the other side (if we took longer than him I don't know what he'd do by the pool).

Tjej
 
#40 ·
We have a 3 year old limit at our gym and I think that's ridiculous since they already segregate the changing room to "Adult Only" and "Moms with Kids under 3". 3 is just so young! They have family restrooms otherwise, but that's it. Since DS is super tall for 2.5 I always get the evil eye from a few workers there which is annoying to say the least.
 
#41 ·
We went to a water park last Sunday, and they had a posted rule that if you're over 2
you must use the locker room of the appropriate gender OR use the family changing room (there's ONE family changing room). I was shocked.

I'm pretty liberal about nakedness, so the 7yo thing wouldn't bother me though, unless he was acting out or anything. *shrug*. For us, naked is naked.
 
#42 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post
There were family changing rooms, but they were usually busy with people who were overly modest and wanted the privacy of an enclosed place with no one else around. I don't think that's right, but the gym had no enforcement policy when it came to those areas.
I don't think thats entirely fair. There are any number of reasons why a normal looking person might want to use a private changing room. Perhaps they have some sort of private medical issue they would prefer not to display to a locker room full of folks. Perhaps they have some sort of abuse history that makes them extremely uncomfortable changing in front of others. Maybe they have some sort of mobility issue that the private rooms can accommodate better.

My gym teacher in middle school told us a story once. We had double sided gym shirts, so when we chose teams, half would flip their shirts inside out to the other color. She used to have the girls change in the locker room, and the boys stay in the gym to change. One day, a few boys headed for their locker room. She was about to tell them they had to stay and change in the gym, when she remembered, one of the boys had a heart condition, and a huge scar down his chest. She let them go, and has let the boys choose ever since.

Personally, I have a medical condition. My doctor has been encouraging me to join the local Y and has offered to write a note to allow me to use the private change rooms if that would make me more comfortable. I'm not sure a note is actually required, I'm pretty sure they're open to anyone, but he offers anyway. I'd like to think I look pretty normal to most people.

I think, if the family locker rooms are always full, maybe its a sign they need more family locker rooms. I wouldn't assume anyones reasons for wanting to change in private.
 
#43 ·
At my gym, there is no rule. We rely on people to use good judgement. Of course, some boys are tall at a very young age. I try to change privately (turning my back, etc). I don't like when I see a boy staring at my chest, but it has happened a few times. I certainly would prefer not to see them naked, and don't want a naked boy even seeing my underwear. But, I understand Moms don't want them in the Men's locker room alone.
 
#44 ·
Our community center.. like a Y has large and several family changing rooms. I like that because I have been stared at by a ten year old boy in another locker room setting. I realize he was probably dragged in there by an over protective mom.. but I think that's too old. He had a definite interest in breasts. I found it disconcerting to say the least. And I don't have nudity "issues". I take my family to outdoor hot springs in the national forests here and everyone strips down in front of the sky and hot water and gorgeous scenery.
 
#45 ·
There are times that we just have to shrug and say well, that wasn't best for me at the moment but that must be what the other person needed. I would let it go for now; if it becomes a pattern maybe ask the other mom if her son can change in a closed toilet stall.

What's silly to me is the idea that we shouldn't bring our pre-pubescent boys into a regular public ladies' room. If you're not in the US, all toileting in public ladies' rooms is done in a lockable stall. What EXACTLY they might see that would be inappropriate if they went in there is a great mystery. Mascara application? It's not like the men's rooms where they are whipping it out in the open air.
 
#46 ·
A few years before I had my DD I spent some time working at a public pool that had no restrictions as far as age limit went for opposite sex use of changing rooms. There were no family changing rooms and the only entrance for visitors into the pool was through the changing rooms. As someone who worked there, I was very grateful for this. There were both bathroom stalls and shower stalls in each changing room, and if a mom or dad wanted to take their opposite sex child into the locker room, they could have them change in the stalls. I had a couple of moms come to me and ask what they should do because they didn't want their little boys going into the changing room themselves, and I told them to just run them to the shower stall that was the biggest and closest to the door and have them change there. It was safer for everyone.

Upthread someone mentioned that they were afraid that the kid would run through the changing room and jump into the pool when they didn't know how to swim. I actually had the opposite happen. a little boy (age 3) ran through the changing room from and booked it out the door of the facility to the parking lot. It was really scary to watch. I was behind a locked door and a chest high counter. It took me a few seconds to get out from behind the desk and chase after him. Luckily there was a long sidewalk before you reached the parking lot, and I reached him before he reached the cars. It was another five minutes or so before his mother came out.

Another time I watched a mom send her little boy (this one about 5 or 6) into the locker room. He was already in his trunks and she told him to just go through the doors and meet her on the pool side. After what felt quite awhile she came back up to the front desk and asked if her kiddo had come back out this way. When I said that he hadn't she of course wanted someone to go in and find her boy. Everyone working that shift was female. I called for a janitor, but after 10 minutes the mom is starting to freak out, so I ended up asking a patron I knew pretty well if he could go into the men's changing room and find this little boy. Turns out he got confused about the doors and was just hiding in a shower stall because he didn't know which way to go.

There was another boy (Maybe 9 or 10). I saw this family pretty regularly, and always talked with the mom and the daughter while the son took forever horsing around with the other kids who came around that time. We were getting ready to close, and they were the last ones in the lobby. The changing rooms echoed pretty loudly into the hallway, and there was no sound coming from there. The lifeguards had already taken off, and I was the last one working in the building. I went and knocked on the door, and got no response, I cracked the door and yelled and got no response. So, I rushed in there, and find him passed out against the wall in the main shower area. I called for the mom, told her to stay with him as I called paramedics and waited in the lobby with the daughter. It turns out he slipped and fell on his way to the showers, and didn't pass out until he tried to stand back up. What was unbelievable was that there must have been at least 10 other people in there when it happened and either no one saw or no one cared. I was just so glad that his head was up against the wall, because the water pools on that floor really badly.

I've probably got 10 more stories like these just from the year and a half I worked at this pool. So, I totally agree with the PPs who say it's safer just to take your kid with you and this too:

Quote:
Originally Posted by zmom2010 View Post

... I think that until a kid is old enough to be home by himself, he's not old enough to go change in a locker room by himself...
Edited to add: I did also get complaints when parents did take their kids to the opposite sex's changing rooms. I reacted usually the same way as the cashier lady lady by stating that some parents were concerned about their kid's safety, and we had no rules stating age limits for children in the changing rooms because of that. If they weren't irate past the point of reasoning I'd usually tell them one of the stories about kids getting scared or hurt going in the locker rooms by themselves, and after that they "got it."
 
#47 ·
Our local gym has an age limit of 5 but I don't pay any attention to it because when I am there alone with two children I am not going to send my 5 year old son into a mens locker room alone. I have no idea who is in there or what they are capable of.

He is a private person by choice, so he goes in a stall and changes by himself.

If we were to see a 7-8 year old boy child in the womans locker room I would not care. We are not offended by innocent nudity.

-Hannah
 
#48 ·
Other women frequently give me dirty looks when I'm in a locker room or restroom with my DD and DS. They sometimes even say things aloud to their children for me to hear... "Yes, honey, it is very strange that there's a boy in here." My DS is 3.5 y/o and DD is 1. DH works midnights which leaves me alone with the kids everyday. So, how exactly is my DS supposed to use the restroom/get changed at the pool/etc? I should send him - alone - to a room of grown, naked men? The only restroom DS goes into alone is a port a potty! And still with me at the door. DS is quite tall and mature looking, as an outsider looking in I'd place him around 5. The age limit at our gym IS 5, which is fine because when the time comes, there are family restrooms available. I pay no mind to boys with their mothers in the women's locker room. The boys almost certainly don't want to be there (as DS tells me EVERY time - "but Mom! I am a BOY. This is the GIRLS one!).. and the mothers almost certainly wish they had another option. But they don't.

FWIW, we have a family history of molestation, so my DS' private parts are only for him to see and him to touch, bottom line. So he's always in a private stall when changing or using the restroom, and never visibly naked to other children. But overall, I would be more concerned to see a child 7 or 8, alone in a locker room, than a child 7 or 8, of the opposite sex with their parent.
 
#49 ·
My main concern is when you have a school-aged child in an opposite-sex change room, who might see one of his friends naked. I bet they would be embarrassed.

In my experience, 3-4 year olds don't care if they are naked or not. But my 7 y/o would be mortified to come with me in the women's dressing room, especially if one of his girl classmates could see him naked.
 
#50 ·
I don't mind 3 to 4 year olds, but I have a 10-year-old dd, and she has a right to not change in front of boys she knows from school. I live in a small town so if there's a 10-year-old boy in there, she probably knows him. There does have to be an upper limit IMO. I don't know what it is. This is a tricky issue and I do understand why moms want to bring their boys with them, but an adult man could trip in the men's room if he's in there alone too. At some point the boys belong in their own changing room.

I'm much more relaxed in bathrooms where there are private stalls anyway.
 
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