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Gender Identity - Sort of an updare in post 35

3K views 36 replies 24 participants last post by  Ravin 
#1 ·
I'm starting to think this is no longer a 'phase'

DD is 6 Yo. She has insisted on dressing like a boy for 2 years now. It's not dress up, it's an obsession. She will not (like meltdown time) under any circumstances wear anything that might be even slightly construed as gilrly. This includes any item of clothing that might have even the smallest hint of pink or purple in it. If it comes from the girl's section of the store, she won't wear it - even if it's a plain pair of jeans. She doesn't yet realize that boys wear different underwear, so we've been ok there.

She only plays with 'boy' toys. Trucks, cars, starwars etc. If it's pink, forget it. Play food is too girly etc.

She is now at the point where she is hating on me because I'm a girl. She says she needs to be a boy and is very angry with me because it's the one thing I can't fix for her.

Is this still a phase?
 
#27 ·
Ok, I just wanna give a big
to all the supportive MDC parents here. It gives me hope for the future of kids like the OP's and Sierra's when I read stuff like this on here.
 
#28 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Ok, I just wanna give a big
to all the supportive MDC parents here. It gives me hope for the future of kids like the OP's and Sierra's when I read stuff like this on here.
oh MD i wanna cry reading your post. it is so so so so so sad that you even have to acknowledge this.


i want to say sooo much more esp. on this momentous day in California... but i will keep my silence.

one of the biggest lessons from parenting that i have learnt is that - our children want our love and support. they dont necessarily want us to fix things. they just dont want to feel alone in either their sadness or happiness. and for me as a parent that is the hardest thing for me to do. to just watch my dd's pain and not jump in and try to fix it.
 
#29 ·
Count me in as another former die hard tomboy - I wore boys clothes including underwear, had a boy's haircut, had all boy friends, all boy toys, wanted desperately to be a boy. I had to be bribed beyond belief to wear a dress for my 1st communion and even then, it had to be the absolute plainest dress possible and I only wore it for the ceremony and then it was immediately off. I would sometimes put a balled up pair of socks in my underwear to pretend to have a penis. I'm not transgendered, I'm not gay, I'm now a happily married mom of two daughters. I still am not what you would call feminine - I tend very much toward unisex/male clothing, hate wearing dresses, heels, makeup, nail polish, etc. All of my friends are still guys and I like lots of guy hobbies. I also love being pregnant, love breastfeeding and being a mom, love gardening, cooking, sewing and other more feminine hobbies.
I would not have been caught dead in anything pink, purple, sparkly or ruffly either.
I'm another who wouldn't call it a phase, it lasted pretty much until puberty when my raging hormones changed the way I looked at boys and I wanted to start to impress them. I'm sure everyone in my family breathed a great big sigh of relief when I got my first boyfriend.
I also marvel every day at the irony of life with regard to my oldest daughter who is basically the exact opposite of me - she has only worn dresses for the past 2 years (when she discovered nightgowns aka dresses you can wear to sleep, she was over the moon), loves everything pink and sparkly, asks constantly when she can wear high heels and is just the most girliest, girl I've ever met.
 
#30 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee View Post
oh MD i wanna cry reading your post. it is so so so so so sad that you even have to acknowledge this.

I always get a little choked up reading threads like this, and hearing this kind of thing in the wider world because it reminds me that we are moving forward. and making progress. Some times it seems like we're trying to dig through a 50ft cement wall with a plastic spoon, but then you come across people like I've met on MDC who are accepting, even when they aren't part of the LGBTQ community and it just hits you how much things have changed. There is still a long way to go, but with people teaching their kids to stand up for others and being willing to speak out themselves, there's a promise that the next generation will be a little more open and a little more welcoming.

Just keep on fighting and we all get a little more free.

And just because I love it http://www.crimethinc.com/tools/post...sion_front.pdf
 
#32 ·
boy clothes fit better :x Girl clothes have to hug all the wrong places and be tight and scoop necked to the belly button and jeans pre curve formed. Boy clothes hang straight and don't hug you in funny spots. I don't need my but hugged in jeans nor zipped under my bra. I like them to hang UNDER my belly button and loose. I still wear a lot of boy clothes :/ I also did not play with dolls but looked for adventures in the wooded areas and built forts.

What worries me is that she wants to KILL and DESTROY all females including her mother. I hate to put the Debbie Downer in but.. could a female have done something to really hurt her and create a resentment in females? I would ignore the boy clothes and try to discover why such hatred for females.

I don't think lesbians or transgendered want to KILL all of a certain gender to prove they are not that gender.

Is there a way for you to build a trust with her? That not all females are evil and that some are worth loving like her mom or aunts etc.?
 
#33 ·
The anger that can be felt is pretty damn intense. In some cases it can be directed at the people of their biological gender because those people have something they don't, a body they are comfortable with that aligns with who they are. It's not about wanting to prove what gender you are, it's just a general frustration with the world in general.
 
#34 ·
I've been lurking. I have not directly experienced anything closely related to this topic, so I haven't felt compelled to comment yet.

I do know a boy who is 5 or 6. He wears tights constantly; I think they are his favorite garment. I have seen him at dances in a dress. He likes plenty of girly things and is a sweet boy. His parents love and support him and apparently let him decide what he wants to wear inside and outside their home. He does not attend public school, so I guess the "danger" in dressing strangely or as a girl in public is mitigated by the presence of one or both of his parents.

I actually live in a community where it is not uncommon to see children of all ages dressed in very wild, unconventional outfits...lots of supportive, home schooling parents around. I love to see it.

I have enjoyed this thread and found it enlightening; thanks to all who shared stories and ideas.
 
#35 ·
Sort of update

Thank you all for the relies and links.

School started today, I'm holding my breath to see how things went. DD was not a happy camper this morning though.

I've spoken to someone recommended by our local PFLAG chapter. She tells me I'm doing all the right things. She doesn't want to speak with DD at this point (worried that unless this reached crisis, seeing a shrink (her words) will just make her feel more broken than she already feels). She has recommended that we take a wait and see aproach as we work through the beginning of the school transition and if her anxiety increases or decreases once she's settled with her new teacher and friends.
 
#37 ·
Seeking counseling for your child is NOT going to be harmful. I'd say wait and see, too, except for the anger--that anger needs to be dealt with, the sooner the better. It could go a couple of ways--your child could hit puberty and settle in to being female. OR, puberty could make it worse, hormones can amplify the anger, and that anger could be focused outward leading to struggles and serious discipline problems, or turned inward with serious consequences (cutting, eating disorders, even suicide attempts).

Or, you child could settle for being female when puberty comes along, only to have the whole mess rear its head again a couple of decades later.

Professional counseling with someone experienced with gender issues, esp. in children, can help you help your child deal with that anger.
 
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