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Improving accommodation of inlaws for the sake of a grandchild

5K views 102 replies 40 participants last post by  That Is Nice 
#1 ·
I wanted to clarify my relationship with my MIL (and FIL) and answer a question about what I do for them. What do you do for your inlaws to foster the relationship with their grandchild(ren)? Please, before posting, please do not say you do not believe grandparents don't have to treat grandchildren fairly or that you leave it up to your DH/partner. I need to foster the relationship and improve the connection between my inlaws for my child's sake. Thanks.
I am not looking for them to lavish attention on my child. I'm simply seeking some level of fairness in how they treat all of their grandchildren and an improvement in the relationship/connection/bond.

What I do for MIL (and FIL):

- I do have a very nice place for MIL to sleep and I have always put out fresh sheets, blankets and pillows for her. Yes, it is an air mattress, but it is quite comfortable (more comfortable than where we sleep, actually) and it is clean and fresh and in a quiet area of the house.

- I go to the grocery store before her visit and get good things (just not meat) and usually I order pizza or other take-out for her and she chooses what she wants from the menu. More often than not, DH and I pay for it.

- I send them pictures of their grandchild, and lots of information on what is going on in their grandchild's life. Frequently.

- I used to send lots of cards (for things like Father's Day/Mother's Day, etc). For years. I send them art projects from school, drawings, special hand-made messages and cards from my child, etc.

- I invite them for field trips, for birthday parties, for playgroups. For holidays. For visits in general. I always extend the invitation to them both (both FIL and MIL).

- I try to engage FIL in conversation about things that interest him. His yard. His hobbies. The weather. What's going on in his home town.

- I try to engage MIL in conversation about things that interest her and I listen to what she says.

- I always offer to pay for things like take-out, pizza we order, the admission to places we go. More often than not, DH and I do pay. We never free load off of them and we always, always offer, which both MIL and FIL have remarked about and have said they really respect us for.

- I take MIL out for lunch, and pay. I take MIL out for coffee, and pay. I take MIL out for ice cream, and pay. I take MIL to movies, and pay.

- I ask what they would like to do first. I ask for their ideas about agendas for the day. I try to elicit ideas from them. What would you like to do? What do you enjoy? Oh, I don't know. Whatever is fine is always the reply. But they always say it's a problem or snipe about it after the fact. This has happened so many times. They don't speak up and I think they are fine with things, then learn later they didn't like it.

- I used to buy them gifts, special ones, from their grandchild - keepsakes, personalized things, special and meaningful books, framed photos, grandparent journals, etc. I made a real effort on that kind of stuff for about 4 years (my child is only 4.5).

- I have gone to visit them when they've requested over the years: holidays, Mother's Day, if they have relatives in town, family reunions.

- I've not complained and agreed it was necessary when DH had to go to their house, use his very limited vacation from work, and help them when they've had a few emergencies and other episodes. We're the only relatives close, and we do that for them and have for years. Granted, they don't ask for help often but when they have, we've been the family to do it. I feel that is what family does.

- I reached out to MIL and helped in every way DH asked me to and which I felt was appropriate without overstepping my bounds when MIL's mother passed away. We stayed with them, sent cards, called on the phone. That's what family does.

- When I go to MIL's house, I put up with their smoking and their lack of a guest room, and the tv being on loud into the night in the same room they set up the air mattress for me, DH, and DS. The last time the tv blared all night and other family members were watching it and DS (3 at the time) stayed up until 1 a.m. crying. I try to overlook things when at their house, within reason.

- I've tried to give MIL and FIL as much information to make things they don't understand as easy on them as possible, such as things about how we are parenting and choices we make.

I don't know - there's probably more, but this is a good attempt at a list of what I do for MIL and FIL.

In return, I am asking that they be fair and spend an equivalent amount of time and money on DS as they do on their other two grandchildren the same age who happen to live much further away.

I hope that answers your questions. And provides some food for thought. I'd be happy to read what you do for your MIL and FIL.

Thanks so much.
 
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#27 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by choli View Post
I have three siblings. My mother very little interest in any of the grandchildren except those of one sister. She freely admits that she likes those grandchildren best because they have the same color hair as she herself does. They are the red haired golden children rather than the red haired step children


We just roll our eyes...what can you do? She's not nasty to the rest of our kids, she just prefers my sister's kids for what appears to be a very superficial reason.
Yep. My dad and stepmom come up once a year. They drive three hours, stay an hour, and then drive back home. Sometimes we see them back in our hometown, but not often. My mom? Even less. She lives farther away. However, she sees my sister all the time, has her kids at her beach house all the time, spends money on vacations and stuff all the time. My kids don't get birthday cards and we're lucky if she remembers Christmas. But what are you going to do? You can't dictate how other people spend their time and money. You can be disappointed, but it's not like you can rewire them.
 
#28 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by choli View Post
She freely admits that she likes those grandchildren best because they have the same color hair as she herself does.
Oh my God? Seriously? She admitted that? Out loud? To you? She likes the grandchildren who look like her better?

Maybe that is part of what's going on here! My son, except for his coloring, looks like me. His hair color and complexion come from his dad's side, but the bone structure, face, physical features, eyes are me, me, me. Maybe that is why they don't like him.

By contrast, his cousin the same age whom they visit frequently is the spitting image of BIL who looks like FIL.

Interesting!

I don't know how much weight this has, but you might be on to something. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised, I guess!
 
#29 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post
I'm going to say this loud, in the hopes it gets through.

IT'S NOT YOU. THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY'RE ALCOHOLICS.

The reason your in-laws are rejecting you is not that there is anything wrong with your house or your stuff. I don't promise that your house or your stuff are perfect. I do promise that the house and the stuff are not what's causing you problems here.
Just FIL is the alcoholic. MIL just likes to kick back with mixed drinks or a beer now and then. She's not an alcoholic.

Both MIL and FIL are swimming pool-aholics and tv-aholics, though. Sort of. They really, really like BIL's set up.
 
#30 ·
TIN, I don't think you are losers (well, I have some choice words about your DH). In fact, I admire you b/c you have a college degree, no debt, a career, etc. I don't have any of that - and I didn't have a rough upbringing at all, like you did.

For us, we lived in crappy apartments for years - until DH, who doesn't have a degree either, got a job offer within his company to transfer to a lower COL area, and we live in a large, 5-bedroom new home due to luck, more than anything. Really. We got a great deal, and he commutes to the big city for his job. My DH works hard, and I have been a SAHM for 10 years - even in poverty - but his promotion and our relocation just happened to work out for our family in a positive way. FWIW, if we lived where you live, we'd be lucky to afford a studio apartment - with our four wild and crazy kids crammed into it. We haven't used credit cards for almost 8 years, BTW - just had to mention that b/c things like our LCD TV were bought with cash. I don't think you should go into debt for your IL's - for shoes for your DS, yes, but not to "lure" them to your home.

I do actually think (I hope) my IL's would come visit and even stay with us (or get a hotel) if we had a smaller, not-so-nice place. I think this b/c they love their son, and they love their grandchildren. If they didn't enjoy our company, then I assume they would only see us when we made the trip to Denver to see both sides of our families.

ETA: I am not familiar with alcoholics, really, so I don't know that even if your FIL was one, that that is why they don't visit. I mean, he can drive himself to the liquor store, can't he? I would assume an alcoholic wouldn't let not having free drinks stop them, but what do I know.
 
#31 ·
You have no way of knowing why your ILs make the choices they do. I wonder if your SIL is their daughter? People are often more comfortable in their daughter's home than their married son's home. My Dad's parents spent a LOT more time with their daughter's family than ours, and it wasn't hurtful, it was just a reflection of the kind of relationship they had with their daughter compared with their son & dil (they got along fine with my Dad, but it wasn't a touchy-feely relationship and they LOVED my mom, she just wasn't their daughter, KWIM?) So we would generally see them a few days a year, and they would visit my cousins a ton, and it was fine. It never occurred to me to compare the visits and look for fairness. They had a special relationship with their daughter, and they are allowed to have that, and to act on it.
 
#32 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife View Post
TIN, I don't think you are losers (well, I have some choice words about your DH). In fact, I admire you b/c you have a college degree, no debt, a career, etc. I don't have any of that - and I didn't have a rough upbringing at all, like you did.

For us, we lived in crappy apartments for years - until DH, who doesn't have a degree either, got a job offer within his company to transfer to a lower COL area, and we live in a large, 5-bedroom new home due to luck, more than anything. Really. My DH works hard, and I have a been a SAHM for 10 years - even in poverty - but his promotion and our relocation just happened to work out for our family in a positive way. FWIW, if we lived where you live, we'd be lucky to afford a studio apartment - with our four wild and crazy kids crammed into it.

I do actually think (I hope) my IL's would come visit and even stay with us (or get a hotel) if we had a smaller, not-so-nice place. I think this b/c they love their son, and they love their grandchildren. If they didn't enjoy our company, then I assume they would only see us when we made the trip to Denver to see both sides of our families.
Thanks. I'm glad the move worked out so well for you. Cost of living does make a huge difference. I'll see the magazine articles and city rankings and such in like Money Magazine or Forbes and I fantasize about moving to say, Indiana where you can still buy a house for less than$150k.

I really, really want to sell our house and live in an apartment for a while. Of course, then MIL and FIL would never visit. I just don't like spending so much money and I want to be able to live closer to work. Unfortunately, all the houses one could buy near where I work are like $100,000 out of our price range, minimum.

I am not even in love with our city that much. I like it. I wish DH would agree to look for higher paying jobs elsewhere and consider moving. We're not getting ahead and are barely making ends meet here.

That's a whole other issue though.

Thanks for posting.
 
#33 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by zeldamomma View Post
You have no way of knowing why your ILs make the choices they do. I wonder if your SIL is their daughter? People are often more comfortable in their daughter's home than their married son's home.


Nope!

MIL and FIL have three boys. DH and two brothers.

SIL is related to them the same way as me, through marriage.

Each brother has two children of their own, except DH. He has one child. So, five grandchildren total. MIL and FIL aren't fair to BIL1's children, either. In fact, they do less for them than for my son. It's very, very imbalanced.

(BIL1 is FIL's son, MIL's step son - and my favorite in the family. A really nice guy and a good dad and with a very different personality from DH and his full brother who are a lot alike). DH and his other brother are full brothers. Both FIL and MIL were married twice: once to other people, once to each other and that marriage has lasted more than 30 years. MIL only has her two sons, no children from her first marriage.

MIL and FIL are sort of loners. They never really had many friends and they didn't keep in contact with their own families, really, except for MIL's parents, now deceased, who were quite involved.

MIL now is sort of breaking out of her shell and getting some friends, but for years and years they didn't have friends. I think maybe FIL's alcoholism got in the way of that and they're both sort of introverted. MIL is sort of aloof, even with SIL at times, although I think SIL tries really, really hard to have a good relationship. There have been times SIL has spoken up about things and disagreed with MIL, and it's ended badly for SIL. MIL isn't very open minded during disagreements.

That's just some filler on the backstory.

It's interesting family dynamics to me.

FIL doesn't really keep in touch with anyone, but tags along on trips with MIL to visit the other family because it's like a vacation to them, they get along pretty well with SIL and BIL2, and because MIL can't leave FIL alone or he'll drink.

MIL and I used to get along until I started pointing out the imbalances and asking for improvements. Now she's basically catty all the time and ignores me. MIL keeps in touch sort of with DH and with BIL2 (her full sons) and to a lesser extend BIL1 (the nice guy).

FIL and MIL almost never see BIL2's children - this has been going on for years and years. Recently, they've made some changes for the better there. I doubt it was because I said anything because they do not listen to me, but after I said something about how they needed to treat those kids better, MIL and FIL spent some time with them. Whatever the reason, it's about time!!

FIL and MIL dote on BIL2's kids. That's who they visit the most and fly out to see all the time. Weeks and weeks every year. BIL2's kids are the same age as my son. MIL and SIL get along pretty well, but mostly it's because SIL tries really hard and overlooks things MIL might say unless it's something really out of line. A few times they've argued and MIL isn't very open to any criticism whatsoever of her sons.

FIL is the alcoholic and BIL2 is pissed about things from childhood. So, FIL tries to make up for that (my impression).

That's it in a nutshell. I really like BIL1 and SIL is nice, too. BIL2 can be aloof but has been fun at times. MIL is very hard to get to know and aloof and FIL I used to get along with, but again, he describes himself as a loner and he doesn't really talk to anymore in a family setting.
 
#34 ·
the more you write about your inlaws the more i think. do you really want your son to know these people? just coz they are the only gparents that probably your son will know (your mom and stepdad? having their issues)?!!!

except for the money part i kinda think its good riddance to bad rubbish.

it would be nice if they threw you a few $$$$s now and then, but it seems like they dont want to. they dont have to visit. they could send your son at least gift cards. but they wont even do that.

how was their relationship with your dh before you guys got married. was it strained even then?

bottom line is - and it may hurt to hear the truth - but you yourself said it in many words - that they just dont like you and dont want to be involved with you or your son and now that you are married not even your dh.

a hard pill to swallow - but that's how it is. and it also seems like there is no love lost between your dh and them. it doesnt seem like he would welcome their visit. from what you have written so far.

and i am quite certain SIL hopes they dont come over so often. i cant imagine an alcoholic gpa being welcome into a home with growing children.
 
#36 ·
nah i asked how was their relationship with their son your dh before he even met you?

were they taking sides even then. did they even then prefer his brother to him?

i know money is an issue but is there even a possiblitiy that dh could go visit them with ds for 3 or 4 days. i know your son is 4.5 years old. is he old enough to separate from you? if they then gave your dh some money would you know about it? your dh does get 2 weeks vacation and he isnt helping out so what is he using his vacation for?

would your inlaws be willing to put up your dh and ds for a few days? would you trust your dh with your ds for those days. would dh even be willing to do that.

it seems when you are away on a conference for a few days those are the days your dh could take off and take ds for a visit to gpa and gma. or better still while you are home so you get a break to catch up.

perhaps they prefer your bil's house is coz they are enablers and you are not. as simple as that.
 
#37 ·
I am going to say this gently and I honestly mean no snark at all by it; I really think you should talk to a therapist. It is not healthy for you to be so fixated on this issue with your in-laws. They are not going to change, they are allowed to have make their own decisions even if you don't think they are fair or they lack etiquette. The amount of time you have spent on this subject with so many people telling you over and over to let it go, or that maybe they just don't like visiting, or whatever, and you don't accept any of it, it is disturbing. You are obsessed with this issue and it isn't healthy. You are not in an unusual situation, $6000 for taxes is not a huge amount of money in the area I live, thats nothing. Being a working parent with no outside support from family is not unusual, having a husband who doesn't pull his weight around the house, again, not unusual. I really mean this sincerely, you are not hearing what anyone is saying to you, you are asking for advice but you are rejecting it, I really think you should seek help dealing with this issue and the other issues weighing you down.
 
#38 ·
Gently, I'm going to put this out there.

As you are the adult child of an alcoholic, I think it is possible that your expectations are, in turn, being fueled by growing up in that kind of dynamic as well. Your expectations about money and support seem to come from the same place, in many ways, that my BIL's expectations that he would have to take care of his mother financially even when she was physically able to work. They're the flipside of the way some alcoholics dole out gifts to manipulate the people around them.

In other words, I would suggest that it might be good for you, personally, to spend some time examining your own feelings about the relationship between love and material goods, and the way those feelings were shaped by your own family life.

The number of people agreeing that your expectations about money, time, and attention input are perhaps unrealistic is an indicator that maybe those expectations are not coming from shared societal standards as much as from some empty space inside you that was left by your upbringing.
 
#39 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee View Post
nah i asked how was their relationship with their son your dh before he even met you?

were they taking sides even then. did they even then prefer his brother to him?

i know money is an issue but is there even a possiblitiy that dh could go visit them with ds for 3 or 4 days. i know your son is 4.5 years old. is he old enough to separate from you? if they then gave your dh some money would you know about it? your dh does get 2 weeks vacation and he isnt helping out so what is he using his vacation for?

would your inlaws be willing to put up your dh and ds for a few days? would you trust your dh with your ds for those days. would dh even be willing to do that.

it seems when you are away on a conference for a few days those are the days your dh could take off and take ds for a visit to gpa and gma.


Oh!

Yes, there was unfairness in how they treated their three sons. They've done very little for BIL1 (FIL's son, MIL's step son). That relationship has mended some, but there were times when they weren't speaking. I take BIL1's side. He's a good guy. FIL and MIL, IMO, have long been crappy grandparents to BIL1's kids. It's sad.

DH they are sometimes OK with, but they have always done more for BIL2. There are few glaring examples over the years, before kids. DH thinks it has more to do with BIL2 being the baby of the family, etc.

Could DH and DS visit them? Yes. But FIL is a chain smoker and DS has asthma so I've sort of put my foot down on that. Every time I go to MIL and FIL's house I get sick - cold like symptoms, coughing, wheezing, sneezing. I don't want DS spending overnights there. My choice, I know. And choices have consequences.
 
#40 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cycle View Post
I am going to say this gently and I honestly mean no snark at all by it.
A few threads and posts, even 20 threads, doesn't mean fixation. I mean, I go about my day, get up, get dressed, drop off my kid at daycare, go to work, get involved in work, pick up my kid, go home, run errands, clean up, go to bed, rinse and repeat.

I'm not sitting at home in the closet thinking about my inlaws. I have a full life. Too full.

I wrote in to a forum of other parents to get ideas and perspective because - honestly - I don't feel I've been a terrible daughter-in-law to these people, and I feel like they could and should - and have said they would - do things for my son, and they haven't, and in my circle of working-mother friends I see how much different those inlaws are and in my circle of playgroup friends I see how much support their is from their inlaws and I think what the heck? What is going on with my inlaws? And they do so much for BIL and SIL who have more resources than we do and I think, boy, this situation sure could use a change.

It's not fixation.

Trust me, I'm not sitting at home glowering all day thinking of them. I'm living my life and meeting my responsibilities to pay the $6,000 taxes.
And the mortgage, and the bills, and all that.

I'm just thinking about them in small snippets of time to figure out a way to evoke some change.
 
#43 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by savithny View Post
In other words, I would suggest that it might be good for you, personally, to spend some time examining your own feelings about the relationship between love and material goods, and the way those feelings were shaped by your own family life.
True. I should do that. And I'm not saying for sure that isn't at play here on some level.

But that wouldn't explain the difference in standards in how they treat BIL versus DH. Or BIL1, whom they treat even more unfairly, versus BIL2.

I have talked to my girlfriends and I see in real life how their inlaws act and it's not how my inlaws act. Not at all. So, it can't just be me being impacted by my own childhood. My childhood has nothing to do with how MIL and FIL treat BIL1 so differently than how they treat BIL2.

In that family, it's like a heirarchy of better treatment.

BIL2 is at the top. Then DH. Then BIL1. It stinks.
 
#44 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cycle View Post
I am going to say this gently and I honestly mean no snark at all by it; I really think you should talk to a therapist. It is not healthy for you to be so fixated on this issue with your in-laws. They are not going to change, they are allowed to have make their own decisions even if you don't think they are fair or they lack etiquette. The amount of time you have spent on this subject with so many people telling you over and over to let it go, or that maybe they just don't like visiting, or whatever, and you don't accept any of it, it is disturbing. You are obsessed with this issue and it isn't healthy. You are not in an unusual situation, $6000 for taxes is not a huge amount of money in the area I live, thats nothing. Being a working parent with no outside support from family is not unusual, having a husband who doesn't pull his weight around the house, again, not unusual. I really mean this sincerely, you are not hearing what anyone is saying to you, you are asking for advice but you are rejecting it, I really think you should seek help dealing with this issue and the other issues weighing you down.


Night after night I have been reading these threads trying to think of a nice way to say what you did. Thanks
 
#45 ·
It might be along the lines of "they are just not that into you". It sounds like the other BIL has resort like accommodations for them and maybe they just get along better. I understand why you won't buy or cook meat or keep alcohol in the house but if those are things they have on a daily basis then right or wrong, they are not going to want to spend much time at your house. Try not to take it personally. People are strange, families are strange and ILs can be the strangest of all. Maybe you would be better off doing things on neutral ground - going to an amusement park or out to eat and skip the extended visits.
 
#46 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
True. I should do that. And I'm not saying for sure that isn't at play here on some level.

But that wouldn't explain the difference in standards in how they treat BIL versus DH. Or BIL1, whom they treat even more unfairly, versus BIL2.

I have talked to my girlfriends and I see in real life how their inlaws act and it's not how my inlaws act. Not at all. So, it can't just be me being impacted by my own childhood. My childhood has nothing to do with how MIL and FIL treat BIL1 so differently than how they treat BIL2.

In that family, it's like a heirarchy of better treatment.

BIL2 is at the top. Then DH. Then BIL1. It stinks.
I'm saying that you come from a family of alcoholics.

They *are* a family of alcoholics. THis often results in disparate treatment of children. As I said in my first post -- playing children off each other is not uncommon. It's part of the dysfunction.

So yes, it explains their treatment of their sons, too.

What is messy is that you, and they, BOTH have some nonstandard ideas about familial relationships, and the two different ideas (yours and theirs) are at opposite poles away from some kind of mythic centerline of "what most people do." This is making things worse for you (thought not for them, because its possible that they actively enjoy the results of their unequal treatment in terms of feeling the power it gives them).

DO you see what I mean? Alcoholics and children of alcoholics often have unrealistic expectations of family roles, responsibilities, etc. This may well be at work on BOTH sides in this situation.
 
#47 ·
You're 3 hours away from them correct? Could you try meeting in the middle? It's a way to start fostering a better relationship. Meet them at a restaurant for a meal on a weekend. I'd easily drive 1.5 hours to meet my inlaws or parents for dinner. Or the zoo, or a museum, or the movies, etc.

But I agree with the others who say it might just be personality. My kids have 4 sets of grandparents (all are divorced) - my mom, my dad, my MIL and SFIL and my FIL and SMIL. We are not "fair" in the amount of time we spend with them - we spend the most with MIL and SFIL because we get along the best with them, we tend to go on a week's vacation together yearly, stay at their home when we visit our home state (where all the grandparents live), and I'd almost always pick them if we had to pick one set of grandparents to do one "thing" with. We like the other grandparents just fine, but have minor issues with all of them. Perhaps the same is true for your in laws.
 
#48 ·
Again, you just have to let this go. You can't fix the disparate treatment of the sons over decades. You can't fix that they are missing out on your wonderful child(ren). They don't have a problem. *You* have a problem and *you* are the only one who can fix it. Let it go. You will have so much more peace.

Jenne
 
#49 ·
We don't really do anything specifically for either set of grandparents except to see them when we can. Nobody ever stays with us; we don't have an extra room or extra bed.

I think inequity in families is extremely common. In my dad's family growing up, the siblings were always pitted against each other, which made my parents so determined to be scrupulously fair. And they are, although they do see me and my kids more than my brother and his daughter, simply because I don't work and my brother and sister-in-law are both lawyers who are on a much more inflexible schedule than I am. As far as gifts and such, though, they are very even.

My in-laws..... well, my MIL died two years ago, after draining all of her savings in order to buy my SIL (DH's sister) and her family two different houses a couple of years apart, and pay off their credit card debt and car loans and such. Over and over and over. She was always apologizing to us about not being able to help us buy a house because she'd given SIL hundreds of thousands of dollars and had nothing left.... we were okay with that, since we had a much less tumultuous relationship with her than SIL and didn't expect her to hand us money all the time. Secretly I think MIL liked me better than her own daughter, and she sort of evened things out when she made us the sole beneficiaries of her life insurance. That money bought our house, and we are forever grateful to her for this final act of love. If she had lived, though, my nieces would have been the ones having the sleepovers with Nana, spending Christmas with her, having her attend their events. She and SIL had a very strange codependent relationship, based on drama and complaint. We get along with SIL much better now that we aren't hearing how awful she is all the time from MIL anymore.

FIL isn't interested much in either SIL's kids or my kids. He wasn't much interested in DH and SIL when they were kids, either. FIL doesn't buy birthday gifts or Christmas gifts, wouldn't ever watch the kids, and seems pretty indifferent in general. Basically the only time we ever see him is when we specifically call him and invite him to our house (he lives by himself, chain-smoking, in squalor, so would never invite us to his house). He comes, we take him out to dinner somewhere, and then he and DH disappear to watch a movie or something. The kids still enjoy having him around, even though he doesn't relate to them at all. I think maybe he's just not good with kids?

When DH and I were first dating, he had been estranged from his father for seven years. FIL made contact again when he found out that MIL (from whom his divorce set off the estrangement) had cancer. DH was so forgiving and patient about his father, and both of us have come to terms with the fact that the entire relationship needs to come from us. We can't ever expect that FIL will show an interest in our kids, and we need to be okay with that. FIL will almost never initiate contact at all, and we need to be okay with being the ones who always call and invite him over. He'll never be a beloved grandfather to our kids, and we need to be okay with that and teach our kids that sometimes people aren't capable of certain levels of relationship. At some point they will wonder why one Grampy is so fun and involved, and the other Grampy is not. We'll work on teaching them to be grateful for having one fun Grampy, and accepting the other Grampy where he is.

SIL is unable to accept these things about her father, and still is upset when he doesn't call her, doesn't remember her kids' birthdays, doesn't seem interested in coming to their events or birthday parties. To her it would seem things are unfair, since we see FIL once a month or so. But it's only because we call him every single time we want to see him. I think he has equality in his lack of interest.

I'll echo the sad news that others have said, in this thread and others. You can't make someone care. Trying to do so will cause frustration and hurt feelings. I'm sorry your in-laws are being crappy to your family, but it seems as though you have done every single possible thing to change the situation, and it didn't take. You need to either cut them out of your life or work on accepting the situation for what it is: a crappy, unchangeable, fact of life.
 
#50 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
Could DH and DS visit them? Yes. But FIL is a chain smoker and DS has asthma so I've sort of put my foot down on that.
ugh!!! that's right. i had totally forgotten. sorry.

DANG!!!! life has really handed you a plate of doozies hasnt it. no place to turn. TG you at least have two good friends to talk to.
 
#51 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
True. I should do that. And I'm not saying for sure that isn't at play here on some level.

But that wouldn't explain the difference in standards in how they treat BIL versus DH. Or BIL1, whom they treat even more unfairly, versus BIL2.

I have talked to my girlfriends and I see in real life how their inlaws act and it's not how my inlaws act. Not at all. So, it can't just be me being impacted by my own childhood. My childhood has nothing to do with how MIL and FIL treat BIL1 so differently than how they treat BIL2.

In that family, it's like a heirarchy of better treatment.

BIL2 is at the top. Then DH. Then BIL1. It stinks.
That may be a heirachry of 'better treatment' that you say but all families function differently. YOU can not change that. No matter how badly you want it, no matter how badly you think your son deserves it. Its not going to happen. And I can assure you there are inlaws who act worse than yours. Be thankful you even have inlaws. My DS only has one set of grandparents (mine) and they treat him like the black sheep of the family.

You can wish all you want, talk all you want, this family is not going to change.
 
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