So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 12:34 AM
 
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IMO whatever the reason was, it was mean and it stinks.

I also think that whatever people want to do outside of school and in their own homes is their private business..but especially in a class with only four girls, if any exclusion is taking place at school, it is a matter for the school to deal with, because exclusion is a type of bullying. I would probably speak to the teacher about it and ask if she could please keep an eye on the situation with the girls at school.

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#62 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 02:42 AM
 
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Putting my daughter in school is going to break my heart. She is that kid who loves and wants to be friends with everyone. Everyone gets left out eventually and it HURTS, I don't have any idea how to protect her from that - but I can certainly set an example and enforce the rule that we don't do that to other people.

OP, I'm so sorry. This is something that would upset me, too. It's not like there's anything you can do about it other than be hurt for your daughter and that's the frustrating part. You can't MAKE kids be friends or make parents instill basic kindness in their kids.
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#63 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 08:30 AM
 
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I empathized up thread--I don't think it's right. But if you're looking for some ideas on how to handle, the more I read the more I wonder how much of a relationship or friendship she has with the girls in the class? (Other than formal bday parties last year) Have you invited them to your home for playdates or been to theirs or done any outside of school activities with the other kids/families? Perhaps it's time to help your daughter make friends by inviting them over one by one and deepening her friendships?
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#64 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 09:13 AM
 
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The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

We complain when schools "dictate" what happens at home and in our "free time", yet people are saying to go to the school because a NON-SCHOOL, PRIVATE function excluded someone?

This is between the two families. School is irrelevant unless there is bullying going on (and it doesn't seem that there is). The friendship dynamic is the factor here.
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#65 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 09:15 AM
 
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I also think that whatever people want to do outside of school and in their own homes is their private business..but especially in a class with only four girls, if any exclusion is taking place at school, it is a matter for the school to deal with, because exclusion is a type of bullying. I would probably speak to the teacher about it and ask if she could please keep an eye on the situation with the girls at school.
YES!

while this is sad- I wonder how the school will take it given it did not take place in school?

How much do you expect or what is expected from the school regarding forcing a parent (for what ever reason) to include all?

 

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#66 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 09:27 AM
 
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Originally Posted by velochic View Post
The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

We complain when schools "dictate" what happens at home and in our "free time", yet people are saying to go to the school because a NON-SCHOOL, PRIVATE function excluded someone?

This is between the two families. School is irrelevant unless there is bullying going on (and it doesn't seem that there is). The friendship dynamic is the factor here.
No, we aren't saying go to the school to resolve the issue. We're saying go to the school to see if you can better understand the issue.

The relationship between the op's dd and the birthday girl primarily exists at school. Who better than the teacher to shed light on the friendship dynamics between the girls?
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#67 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 09:58 AM
 
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Who better than the teacher to shed light on the friendship dynamics between the girls?
The girls themselves?
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#68 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 10:17 AM
 
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The girls themselves?
At our school, the teacher would discuss the friendship issue with the girls. Our teachers, at least, are experienced and skilled in exploring this kind of issue sensitively--far more experienced and skilled than the girls themselves.
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#69 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 10:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am so sad for you guys! And the reasonings... Life sucks get over it sounds like something a former bully would say. Doesn't mean anything to you unless you've been in THOSE shoes.
Um....yes, my thoughts exactly. As someone who was bullied for being really shy (and the youngest in my class) in grades 2 - 5, I have to say this way of thinking totally reminds me of the bully's moms. And yes, being bullied definitely affected my self-esteem. For years.

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I think it is crass. I could be way off, but an idea - does the mother have some issue with you, and is being a little passive-agressive and taking it out on your DD?
She couldn't possibly have any issue with me....she doesn't even know me. We only started at the school last year. But she invited my DD last year (and like I mentioned, the party went well and we sent a very nice gift). And her DD was invited to my DD's party (but they were going to be on vacation so her mom RSVP'd no). As for social standing, we definitely are way below them, but they don't know that...they've never been to our house.


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I do agree with checking in with the teacher to make sure that this isn't a bigger issue. Whereas I'd like to think kids that age aren't deliberately mean, I also know they can be.
I know they can be too. It is a really small school, so there aren't a lot of friendship choices. But overall, I don't think the girls are the kindest. Of course I'm not always there, but I have to say that in settings when I am observing, I definitely see a bit of an exclusionary attitude at times. My DD happens to be very shy in a group (I guess she got it from me ) and if someone has a stronger/more aggressive personality they can run right over her.

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I wonder how much of a relationship or friendship she has with the girls in the class?
Out of the other girls, she has one "best friend" and we have had several playdates with her. I tried to set up a playdate with another girl but it didn't happen. But we have decided to try to foster more of a relationship with the other girls as well.

I will speak with the school from the standpoint of a check-in just to see how the group dynamic is day-to-day. I will not be confronting the other mom. I don't feel like creating a "thing" with her. Her DD will be invited to my DD's birthday party this year again. Hopefully this will not happen again.

Thanks so much for all the replies.
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#70 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 10:24 AM
 
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The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.
It involves the school because of the way it was handled. Leaving directly from the school together makes it a school issue as well. It was very "in your face."

Had everything about the party happened outside of school, you would be right.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#71 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 11:08 AM
 
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So it's okay to exclude all the boys?
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#72 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 11:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So it's okay to exclude all the boys?
Yes, that is very very common practice here. All-girl parties (ex: Princess themes, etc), all-boy parties. It seems to start happening around age 4.
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#73 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 11:20 AM
 
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I stopped letting the kids go to birthday parties last year.The expense got to be to much.And declining only some invites led to hurt feelings.We do however still get invites every year,and usually it is not an issue for my kids.One birthday however the parent picked up the kids at school,and that upset my ds seeing them all excited going together.So I can only imagine how hard it must have been for your dd to see the other girls,and worse to know she was not invited.

I would let it go.Talk of the party should fade quickly among the girls.The bigger issue will be if this type of exclusion will continue not just with this girl,but will the others start excluding her too. I would worry about the daily interaction at the school.The excluding mom is teaching her dd it is OK to leave out one girl,so what if she starts doing this every day???

Emotional bullying is sometimes more painful than the physical bullying,and females are soooooo good at getting away with the emtional bullying.

All you can really do is keep treating others and their children with respect,and hope they will do the same.Avoid negative people when you can. I have dealt with both emotional bullies and physical ones in regards to my kids.Anti-bullying policies are a joke,because if the bullies parents are ok with it then it will not change.And schools really don't want to deal with social interaction issues.

Bet this mom was a queen bee(or wanna bee) during her school years.Maybe she has some sort of issue with you, and taking it out on your dd via exclusion was the easiest way to get at you.

I don't know about the school pick up issue.We get invited usually via the mail.If the school pick ups were to happen more often I might ask the adm. to request parents not pick up party kids during drop off.Not sure if they would do it,but it sure makes it hard on the kids not going to a party!

Hope it all passes soon and things resume to normal though I know you probably won't forget what was done.It has been 3 years and I still remember every detail of what my kids went through!

Best wishes!
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#74 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 11:57 AM
 
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Yes, that is very very common practice here. All-girl parties (ex: Princess themes, etc), all-boy parties. It seems to start happening around age 4.
Weird it's different here, at that age the parties include both boys and girls but I am sure the boys would not appreciate princess themes! LOL
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#75 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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Bet this mom was a queen bee(or wanna bee) during her school years.Maybe she has some sort of issue with you, and taking it out on your dd via exclusion was the easiest way to get at you.
I don't know how to quote multiple people so I will paraphrase the other poster who said they were mean because of their "large incomes".

I don't see how either of these things can be gleaned from this story...

Having said that, OP I am so sorry this happened for you dd. I know her life isn't ruined and she'll have other good times, but it stings so badly. At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.

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#76 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 12:06 PM
 
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Exactly. This is what's wrong, parents are supposed to set the example and teach kindness. There is no reason for 7 year old girls to learn how to be nasty and exclude others, this is the age to teach them to be aware of others and their feelings and how their actions affect others.

Just because it happens all the time doesn't mean it is right and should be left unchanged.
Just for discussion why should the Bday girl be forced to invite someone she does not want to (not saying she didn't in this case we don't know)? What does that teach exactly? Empathy? I don't think so. You can be sure forcing a child to issue an invite if they don't want to would escalate a situation.

And no I wasn't the bully I was the bullied AND I survived not being invited to parties too. Sometimes I think it is a much bigger deal for the Mommies than it is for the kids.
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#77 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 12:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.
Just horrible. I'm so sorry.

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Just for discussion why should the Bday girl be forced to invite someone she does not want to (not saying she didn't in this case we don't know)? What does that teach exactly? Empathy? I don't think so.
Hmmm, sure I'll discuss that. If it were a larger class and my DD wanted to invite her 3 closest friends (as an example), I would have no problem with that. However, no way would I allow her to do this. It might be different if there was 1 particular girl that she had ongoing issues with. But I still would never ever exclude that one girl in such an obvious manner. I'm not sure exactly what I would do. I'm fairly certain I would address the issue so that there wasn't an ongoing problem in the first place! In any case, it doesn't pertain to this particular situation because my DD and this girl have no obvious issues.

Here's what I would say to my DD if she didn't want to invite ONE child:

"No, sorry. I am not going to allow you to exclude one child on a whim. You know why? It is cruel and unfair, and I know that is not the type of person you want to be. If you would rather not invite everyone, let's just have a family birthday party or you can invite your best friend out for lunch and a movie."

I honestly believe if more parents would be PARENTS and teach their children, they would grow up to be kinder adults. After all, children don't always make the best decisions...they need to be taught! In this case, these kids have only been on this earth for 7 years. They need a wise adult to guide them as to what is appropriate.
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#78 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 12:32 PM
 
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I must admit I'd love to know what possessed the Mother to exclude only one girl....
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#79 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 12:36 PM
 
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And OP you're sure there are no problems between the girls?

I ask b/c it reminds me of a similar situation my neighbor went through. Her kid was not invited and she went off on the other Mom and was finally told the reason her child was not invited was because her child was a bit of a bully and the other kids did not want her child there.
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#80 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 12:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And OP you're sure there are no problems between the girls?

I ask b/c it reminds me of a similar situation my neighbor went through. Her kid was not invited and she went off on the other Mom and was finally told the reason her child was not invited was because her child was a bit of a bully and the other kids did not want her child there.
Well I can understand how it would sound like maybe she is a trouble maker. But she isn't. And definitely in no way a bully. If anything though (when observing at the school) I would say the dynamic is there are 2 girls (one of who is the birthday girl) who have strong personalities and could be described as "bossy". She does make up games that can only have a few players which leaves my DD out since she tends to be the shyest. But I don't notice anything beyond that, and my DD never says anything to me about any type of issues. In fact, the only time DD even mentions this girl is in terms of saving this sillyband for her because she loves that animal, or "hey, ____ has that book too!". I don't get it.
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#81 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 12:47 PM
 
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It really does seem like an odd thing to do...
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forgive me, I'm a newbie, but I do have a question. Have you talked to the bday girl's actual mom? or just to another mom? The excuse given was just plain stupid and I wouldn't assume that the other mom knew what she was talking about.

I'm so sorry that this happened to your daughter. I remember being excluded a lot in school. Here is something you may want to explore, I remember in 1st and 2nd grade, the girl I called my best friend would come up to me at recess and tell me she wasn't my friend anymore just to see me cry. I still talked about her like she was the bestest friend ever and would save special things for her. I also didn't tell anyone what was going on. (we worked through our issues and are still good friends today) Maybe the teacher could shed some light on some classroom dynamics that could be playing into this?

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#83 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 01:06 PM
 
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Do the other moms seem to have established relationships with each other?

Considering that you don't know the bday girl's mom, and the invites were verbal, I wonder if she just failed to consider the "classmate" dynamic of this party. She invited the daughters of her friends' kids, without considering that amounted to 3 of 4 girls in the class. Who knows, maybe she, too, is shy, and she feels uncomfortable reaching out to you.

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At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.
That's awful

But, if no one RSVP'd, why not call a few days ahead and check if they were planning to attend? Did you have your ds ask his friends if they were coming?
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#84 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 01:41 PM
 
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I must admit I'd love to know what possessed the Mother to exclude only one girl....
but there is no saying the OP would get the real answer even if she spoke to the mother

in our area, just because you pick up at the school does not really mean this is a school issue, many people pick up at the school but would not mean the school should be involved with this

the teacher may know why she wasn't asked and there could be issues the mom does not know about going on with the girls-again, how would you force a school to be involved and make a child be invited?

 

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#85 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 01:41 PM
 
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Just horrible. I'm so sorry.



Hmmm, sure I'll discuss that. If it were a larger class and my DD wanted to invite her 3 closest friends (as an example), I would have no problem with that. However, no way would I allow her to do this. It might be different if there was 1 particular girl that she had ongoing issues with. But I still would never ever exclude that one girl in such an obvious manner. I'm not sure exactly what I would do. I'm fairly certain I would address the issue so that there wasn't an ongoing problem in the first place! In any case, it doesn't pertain to this particular situation because my DD and this girl have no obvious issues.

Here's what I would say to my DD if she didn't want to invite ONE child:

"No, sorry. I am not going to allow you to exclude one child on a whim. You know why? It is cruel and unfair, and I know that is not the type of person you want to be. If you would rather not invite everyone, let's just have a family birthday party or you can invite your best friend out for lunch and a movie."

I honestly believe if more parents would be PARENTS and teach their children, they would grow up to be kinder adults. After all, children don't always make the best decisions...they need to be taught! In this case, these kids have only been on this earth for 7 years. They need a wise adult to guide them as to what is appropriate.
Thank you for this, I couldn't agree more. I also recommend the book "You can't say you can't play," and this post http://marthabrockenbrough.squarespa...-our-kids.html
Here is one quote from it:

Quote:
But for crying out loud, don't make it seem like rejecting another child's friendly overtures is some sort of noble or enlightened choice. It's not. It's mean and selfish. Unless there are safety issues, it's a way to send a message to your child that you don't have to care about anyone unless it's an easy thing for you to do.

Loving other people isn't always easy. But if we don't teach our kids how to love--or at least respect--their fellow human beings when they are small, they will never learn this.
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#86 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 02:20 PM
 
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Have you contacted the school? Most schools have policies in place so that this kind of thing doesn't happen.

The problem, IMHO, isn't that there was a party that she wasn't invited to. It's HOW it was done. And it's important to make sure that this doesn't repeat for other kids parties or every year. It's really unacceptable.

Talk to the school!!!!!
I agree here, but I'd talk to the teacher, actually. As a pp said, ask if s(he) has any idea why this happened and if your DD is being included while at school. Most schools do have rules meant to discourage this type of exclusionary behavior.

I think that was an awful thing to do to a little girl.

I also have a huge problem with how it was done. Why did they all have to leave school together, in front of your daughter? Ridiculous.

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#87 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 02:21 PM
 
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This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.
So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if. I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.
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#88 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 02:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by velochic View Post
The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

We complain when schools "dictate" what happens at home and in our "free time", yet people are saying to go to the school because a NON-SCHOOL, PRIVATE function excluded someone?

This is between the two families. School is irrelevant unless there is bullying going on (and it doesn't seem that there is). The friendship dynamic is the factor here.
This situation points to the possibility of some deeper exclusion going on which can be bullying and that is the responsibility of the school. The schools my dd has attended and that I have worked in have wanted to know about things like this so they can look for, redirect, and prevent as much as possible because they can get in a lot of trouble with the district and with lawsuits. They also like to step in and redirect to more appropriate interactions before a cycle/bullying occurs. It is not something that can be dealt with at home if it mostly happens at school and kids aren't always accurate about the friendship because they really want friends or they are the ones doing it and they don't see anything wrong with doing these things.
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#89 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 02:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by childsplay View Post
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.
So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if. I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.
Wow. I don't even know what to say. I just can't believe this.

Julie - Mom to Elizabeth (Libby) age 6, Penelope (Penny) age 5, Elliott age 29 months, and Oscar who is 1 year old!
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#90 of 170 Old 11-03-2010, 02:44 PM
 
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[QUOTE=EarthMamaToBe;16012555]Just for discussion why should the Bday girl be forced to invite someone she does not want to (not saying she didn't in this case we don't know)? What does that teach exactly? Empathy? I don't think so. You can be sure forcing a child to issue an invite if they don't want to would escalate a situation.

QUOTE]

They're kids though. They'll like or dislike a classmate a hundred different times for a hundred different things. My kids often tell me that they don't like so-and-so in their class. When I ask why, they don't really have an answer, a valid one anyway. And 'because he chews like a goat' or 'her jacket makes my brain hurt' are not valid answers.
I think by inviting the child in question anyway is giving the party child an oppertunity to spend time with the child in a non-school situation. I think it opens the door to potential friendships.
We always invite the whole class....even though DS said no goat chewer he had to invite him anyway, and lo and behold, they really hit it off at the party over a box of army men. They now have a good friendship that they probably wouldn't have had if I had of listened to my 7 y/o and NOT invited him.
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