So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?! - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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#151 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 12:15 AM
 
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Wowie mommahhh!
I am so sorry your little girl was excluded so rudely. (hugs!)

I don't know why I read through this whole thread- it's not any issue I'm dealing with atm, but read it, I did. And I have to say, that besides empathizing with your daughter's situation, I am also very impressed with your own STELLAR behavior on this thread, despite being repeatedly baited by people who have already made their point and should just stop posting in this thread now because it is oh so obvious that they are not helping you in any way.

Seriously. Why do some people seem to think it is their duty to tell other people that they are wrong? Sigh. Cruel world indeed.

So, back to the actual purpose of this thread.

1) I validate your feelings. I'd be pissed too! In the name of all that is kind and decent, if they did not plan on inviting your kid, couldn't they have had the party some other time than right after school? And forbid the girls from talking about it at school? Geez, if you're going to be so godawful rude, have the common sense to be sneaky about it.

2) I admire you for venting here instead of to your child or the other moms at school. And for even taking the high road and still inviting the other girl to your dd's bday party. Bravo! Kill em with kindness, I say. And I don't give a hoot if I get flamed for this, but I do hope that other mom and girl feel extra guilty when they get that invitation and buy your kid and extra nice gift because of it.

3) My son's school has a rule that if you plan to discuss or give out invitations at school, you either must invite ALL the kids in the class, or ALL the girls, or ALL the boys. You might suggest this to your child's school.

4) I don't know if I would have the guts to do it, and I don't know if it would be a good idea to do it even if I did, but I would be sorely tempted to write a note to that girl's mother and tell her ever-so-delicately-and-politely that your girl was hurt by being excluded and that if she intends to exclude your dd again, to make sure the other girls don't let her know that there is or was a party to which she was not invited.

Kudos to you mama. You sound like a wonderful mom with your child's best interests at heart. May she grow up to be as kind and loving and level headed as her own dear mommahhh.

Retired Ohio midwife. Mama to my boy E, born 7/05
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#152 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 12:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Dandelionkid View Post
We aren't responsible for others feelings but I believe we have a responsibility, as members of the human race, to be considerate of others feelings. Who knows if there is a back-story but, if this is all there is to it, the autonomy of the b-day girl to exclude this little girl should have been over-ridden by the basic, decent kindness to include all the girls. There are very,very few scenarios where this courtesy could not have been extended.
Yes this! Thank you. I am so baffled by people who think it is ok to elbow their way through life without taking note of the people who get hurt on the way. Are those people just collateral damage? Life sucks, learn to live with it? I don't think so.

And, yes it is a type of entitlement to plan birthday parties so exclusively. The social world of children is different than that of adults...loyalty to certain friends is often fleeting and kids are very fickle. This is why inviting entire groups is perfectly appropriate. If a kid doesn't want to come they don't have to, but at least they were invited.

To do otherwise shows a serious empathy deficiency. Or it shows that you have never had it happen to you.
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#153 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 01:33 AM
 
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How does entitlement have a role?

I guess maybe we all see birthday parties different or something. I see a party as something I'd invite my friends to, and I'd expect that my kids would like to invite their friends, too. A friend, in my world, does not mean "someone who goes to the same school as me" or "someone who works in the same office as me", or any other variation on that theme.
I wonder if class size or being from a small town has something to do with how people view this. In my area, and especially in my middle school years, it wouldn't be too uncommon to have a very small class. It's not like oh, I have my group here and you have your group over there, there are four or five girls (or maybe six kids altogether) in a class. Excluding ONE is just...exclusive. Including five out of a group of thirty? Oh well. There are far more left out than included. But including all but one? Is rude.

Maybe I'm just an odd duck. I say please, thank you, and excuse me. I am not a door mat, but I try to be kind or at least a bare minimum of polite. I teach my child and believe myself that people are responsible for nothing and also being kind is free.

I will never be in favor of passing out invitations at school among young children. Even if there are only four out of thirty invited, it's rude. I wouldn't go to work with ADULTS and pass out invitations for a dinner party and only include a handfull of friends. Would I have a dinner party and just include a few actual friends that I wanted to spend time with out of work hours? Sure! But I wouldn't go out of my way to let other people know about it. Grown people get their feelings hurt over this, and children should just suck it up?

I don't see that there can be a blanket school policy (other than "don't hand out invites at school") but plan good manners should make us try a little harder to be considerate of the feelings of children.
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#154 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 02:20 AM
 
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"Chosen ones?" Seriously? He's someone the birthday child plays with, so he was invited. I'd find it really weird if someone I didn't interact with invited me to something, would assume it was out of a sense of social obligation, and wouldn't go. I find this whole thing soooo weird. Why would a child invite someone they don't play with to their party? (I have to admit that this particular way of handing out the invitations is bizarre. My best guess is that it was an attempt to forestall the "invitations left in backpacks" things...but it wasn't handled well at all.)
I thought it was obvious that my whole problem was with the WAY it was handled, not with the mere fact that they were inviting their DS's playmates to the party, so I agree with your statements in parentheses and don't really understand how the rest relates to my post.

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#155 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 02:57 AM
 
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Sorry.
I honestly just do not get the side of those that are okay with the idea of inviting all girls, except one.

When I was 10, I came to school, and every single girl was talking about a slumber party. I came to find out, that out of all the girls in the class, me and one other girl were not invited. We were the two girls that didn't dress like everyone else. That party only made me that much more excluded from everyone, because "I was the girl that wasn't invited". There was yet one more reason to exclude me.

It feels lousy at 10, when you are the only one excluded, when you have no reason why. It has to feel lousy at 7, especially in a class that is that size.

It isn't about a child being 'entitled' to going to a birthday party, but simple human decency. You don't select every girl except one girl. Girls are already mean enough in grade school. This only sets up a very negative school situation. I think when kids are in Junior high, they are savvy enough to understand social dynamics better, but just excluding one girl, really sets up bully fodder in elementary.

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#156 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 04:02 AM
 
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Okay so I don't have children yet but I *was* the excluded 7 year old. Long story short I went into foster care and spent 9 months living with my aunt and 3 female cousins. They were all buddy-buddy and since I lived there I was pushed into everything they did. If they wanted to go across the street and play with the neighbor girl, they had to let me go (even if I didn't want to). I did gymnastics with them, I was at all their parties. We spent nearly every waking moment together and I was still a '4th wheel', always present but never actually emotionally included. We were relatives and housemates but not friends.

I'm also a bit confused on why she should have to invite everyone. The class is SO tiny. Its not like she's inviting 6 girls and leaving the 7th one out, she's only inviting two. Its IMHO a bit of an exaggeration to say she invited "everyone but her" when "everyone" is 2 people. If there were only 3 girls in the class (counting the birthday girl) would it be exclusionary if she only invited one? One girl more (2 of 4 invited) or one girl less (1 of 2 invited) and it would be a totally different situation. Yeah it was extremely mean to rub it in her face but if the birthday girl didn't actually want her there its just a pity invite and has no effect on whether or not she'll be *honestly* as included as the other girls at the party.

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#157 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 06:59 AM
 
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Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
I will never be in favor of passing out invitations at school among young children. Even if there are only four out of thirty invited, it's rude. I wouldn't go to work with ADULTS and pass out invitations for a dinner party and only include a handfull of friends. Would I have a dinner party and just include a few actual friends that I wanted to spend time with out of work hours? Sure! But I wouldn't go out of my way to let other people know about it. Grown people get their feelings hurt over this, and children should just suck it up?

I don't see that there can be a blanket school policy (other than "don't hand out invites at school") but plan good manners should make us try a little harder to be considerate of the feelings of children.
All this. One reason we moved Ds to a new school recently was the pervasive atmosphere of exclusiveness and cliquishness fostered by the lack of a school policy regarding passing out invitations *in the class, in front of kids who weren't invited.*

I'm not a fan of "invite the whole class". Thankfully, that's not "done" where we live. It's considered over the top. I also think kids should get to have some say in who they invite. But I also think kids this age need some guidance. As a parent, there's a difference between forcing a kid to invite another kid s/he doesn't like, and gently saying, "You know, s/he invited you to his/her party" or "S/he would be the only kid in the class not invited. How do you think that would make him/her feel?" There's also an element of discretion. Email/call/send them, or *discreetly* give out invitations (although I think that's pretty hard). Have the party on a weekend so it's not obvious that certain kids are being picked up from school for a party. Generally be kind and considerate. It's not that hard!
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#158 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 09:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just want to say THANK YOU so much to all those who allowed me to vent my shock/frustration/pain here. I appreciate your kindness and I am so happy there are decent people in the world.

I had no idea this thread would create such a stir or controversy. I thought it was universally agreed that it is wrong for adults to harm children on purpose, be that physically or emotionally. And believe me when I say that my child was emotionally hurt by the actions of this adult, very unnecessarily (given all that I have since learned from the other mothers). I won't be responding anymore here because yes, it does get me a bit riled up and I really just want to move past the entire issue. I have a plan in place to make sure my daughter does not feel excluded at her very small school overall. I certainly don't want this to blow up into a chronic issue.

Since I'm "signing off", I will end by saying that I tried hard to stay calm in this thread, but if I'm being completely honest I can only hope that some of you on this thread aren't truly as cruel and callous in real life as you have portrayed here in words. But I have a sinking feeling you may be, since obviously the mom of my DD's classmate is as well.


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#159 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 09:51 AM
 
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....Geez, if you're going to be so godawful rude, have the common sense to be sneaky about it....
Best.Advice.Ever.
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#160 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 10:20 AM
 
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But I have a sinking feeling you may be, since obviously the mom of my DD's classmate is as well.
if that was the way I felt, I would be glad my child was not invited to the party

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#161 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 10:26 AM
 
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I don't think this is an issue of what the school should do. No, the school can't tell people who they can or have to invite to a party. It's just an etiquette issue. If you're inviting almost everyone in a class, or almost all the girls, the polite thing to do is invite that other person so no one is left out. Though that's more of a clear etiquette issue when it's 19 out of 20 than when it's 2 out of 3, for sure. And then the second etiquette issue is not making it obvious to kids not invited to a party that there is a party at all, and picking up the kids from preschool with discussions of the party they're going to breaks that as well. It's unkind.
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#162 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 10:48 AM
 
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I just want to say THANK YOU so much to all those who allowed me to vent my shock/frustration/pain here. I appreciate your kindness and I am so happy there are decent people in the world.

I had no idea this thread would create such a stir or controversy. I thought it was universally agreed that it is wrong for adults to harm children on purpose, be that physically or emotionally. And believe me when I say that my child was emotionally hurt by the actions of this adult, very unnecessarily (given all that I have since learned from the other mothers). I won't be responding anymore here because yes, it does get me a bit riled up and I really just want to move past the entire issue. I have a plan in place to make sure my daughter does not feel excluded at her very small school overall. I certainly don't want this to blow up into a chronic issue.

Since I'm "signing off", I will end by saying that I tried hard to stay calm in this thread, but if I'm being completely honest I can only hope that some of you on this thread aren't truly as cruel and callous in real life as you have portrayed here in words. But I have a sinking feeling you may be, since obviously the mom of my DD's classmate is as well.


Whether you come back or not... I think it needs to be said that not agreeing with you does not make people "not decent" nor does it make us cruel and callous. Perhaps you should take a dose of your own medicine. Are you any better than "that mother" when you make statements such as you are?
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#163 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 11:05 AM
 
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I know this discussion has been long, and I didn't get a chance to read it all, I did read the first dozen or so posts though. As a young girl I was often invited to birthday paties where i wasn't really good friends with the girls who's birthday it was. Quite frankly, I think I was just invited because I should have been, to be nice. I never enjoyed these parties, because once there I was excluded and treated bad by the clique that didn't want me there. Cruel, so cruel. But sometimes I wonder if it was better if I hadn't even been at those parties. I do have wonderful memories of parties of true friends.

Maybe those 3 girls spend alot of time together, sleepovers, play dates on the weekends. So they just wanted to have those three girls.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I do not look forward to the day that I have to feel these things about my own kids. Mine are only 3yrs and 9 mths right now, so we haven't had any crappy experiences like this.
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#164 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 11:18 AM
 
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Maybe those 3 girls spend alot of time together, sleepovers, play dates on the weekends. So they just wanted to have those three girls.
I think this is probable, esp since the invitations were verbal. The mom must spend enough time together to talk, likely because their girls spend a lot of time together.

BUT--in a class of only 4 girls, when 3 of them are an established "group", that is all the more reason for the adults to be proactive about making sure the 4th girl is accepted into the fold.
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#165 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 11:21 AM
 
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It is one thing for a 7 year old to exclude someone, but I am appalled that the mother would allow this behavior. Wow....just wow. I totally feel your pain OP. The whole thing is pretty ridiculous.
Exactly. A kid can't learn empathy from a mom who has none...so sad.
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#166 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 11:31 AM
 
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A point on the boy/girl alleged exclusion--

Is it possible that there are children who don't know that [insert: boys/girls] have cooties???

I'm being silly.....mostly. My dd does, in fact, have some friends who are boys. But it is developmentally normal for kids to prefer friends of their own gender in the elementary school ages. Parents might not always get it, but usually the kids do.

Apparently, there is even an evolutionary theory about why boys have cooties
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#167 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 11:32 AM
 
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I don't know how to quote multiple people so I will paraphrase the other poster who said they were mean because of their "large incomes".

I don't see how either of these things can be gleaned from this story...

Having said that, OP I am so sorry this happened for you dd. I know her life isn't ruined and she'll have other good times, but it stings so badly. At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.
I can't believe that happened to your son. That is so mean. I'm sorry.
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#168 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 11:41 AM
 
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This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.
So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if. I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.
Wow...also unbelieveable. WTF is wrong with people???
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#169 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 12:14 PM
 
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As a young girl I was often invited to birthday paties where i wasn't really good friends with the girls who's birthday it was. Quite frankly, I think I was just invited because I should have been, to be nice. I never enjoyed these parties, because once there I was excluded and treated bad by the clique that didn't want me there. Cruel, so cruel. But sometimes I wonder if it was better if I hadn't even been at those parties. I do have wonderful memories of parties of true friends.
That was my general experience too. I would have much rather been invited to one party I was wanted at than a handful of ones I was invited to 'just because'.

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#170 of 170 Old 11-04-2010, 12:29 PM
 
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this thread is closed for review.

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