A vent about the IL's and Santa - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 09:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
Lisa85's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 982
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Like many families on MDC, we don't do Santa for a variety of reasons. The IL's had the kids over the weekend and took them to see Santa.  This in itself I don't mind so much.  I'm not thrilled with it, but there are bigger battles to fight.  We don't ignore Santa, but treat him the same as Elmo, Dora, etc  A fun pretend thing to do.  I've also told them the story of St. Nicholas, but I don't know that they really "get" it yet.  They have seen Santa at the malls and asked if they could go up and see him, and of course I said yes.  "Santa" asked what they would like, one said books, the other said a puzzle and that was that.  I've never told them that some kids think Santa brings them a gift or fills their stocking.  They have a hard enough time understanding what's real and what's fantasy.  There are days I'm convinced my oldest thinks Dora is real.  She talks about Dora as if she were a real person, dh comes home and she tells him what Dora did that day. 

 

Then at lunch yesterday, Dd1 says "Santa is going to bring me a doll!"  crap.gif I've already done her Christmas shopping, and no she isn't getting a doll. (and MIL has already bought her gift as well - a TAG map)  To make it worse, dd2 is.  The IL's KNOW we do not do Santa. We've told them this several times and last year when they came to our house they said "Did Santa get you those?'  They just looked at them like they were crazy and said "no, mommy and daddy did".  So it's clear to them we don't do Santa.  I'm

 

I realize I could just go out and buy her an inexpensive doll, but then to make the gifts even, I'd have to get something for Dd2 and these are all the reasons I don't do Santa.  I don't want my kids to expect a certain gift.  A gift is something someone chooses to give you, not something you can make a list of demands for.  We also live on a tight budget and I don't want to risk them asking for something insanely expensive we can't afford, or something huge we don't have the space for. 

 

So I asked dd1 if she remembered the story I told her about St. Nicholas.  That he lived along time ago and since he's no longer living, some people made up a person called Santa and like to tell their kids that that's who gives them gifts.  She handled it pretty well, but I could tell she was probably a little disappointed. 

 

I just hate that I was even put into this position.  I feel like I should say something to them, but I don't know what.  I don't want to blame them or make it sound incriminating, but at the same time they need to know that this isn't ok.  That we will not be doing Santa and that's the end of it.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, a little bit of everything I guess. Advice, support, commiseration.

Lisa85 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 10:19 AM
 
serenbat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,404
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 125 Post(s)

depends on what battles you want to pick - IMO

 

I would ask yourself if saying to the IL is worth it or not and how they will take it and how it will go from here on

 

how do you deal with your children's friends that do believe? are the being conflicted with those people in their life too?


 

 pro-transparency advocate

&

lurk.gif  PROUD member of the .3% club!

 

Want to join? Just ask me!

 

"You know, in my day we used to sit on our ass smoking Parliaments for nine months.

Today, you have one piece of Brie and everybody goes berserk."      ROTFLMAO.gif 

serenbat is offline  
#3 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 10:34 AM
 
laohaire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 7,115
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

You have my support. I can see why that is frustrating.

 

I think if I were you I would just remind myself that the ILs probably didn't mean anything by it - I think most people genuinely, sincerely, absolutely do not get the Santa thing at all. It's just fun, right? What could possibly be wrong with fun? They might remember that you don't do it but don't see the harm in making "fun" comments, they probably don't see it as undermining and don't really appreciate how vulnerable children can be to such suggestions.

 

I'd do that because I think you've already done the hard part, telling DD that it's a story people like. Now you just have to remind her of it every now and then. I'm sorry you were put in that position.


Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

laohaire is offline  
#4 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 10:36 AM
 
elus0814's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: where the air force says
Posts: 764
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

It doesn't sound like a big deal. We don't get into santa either. We feel that Christmas is just that CHRISTmas, it's not about santa. My in laws do santa and they give the kids gifts marked as from santa, they even give my husband and I gifts from santa. It's a fun thing. My kids have never gone to see santa, they've only been to malls on a few occasions and never at Christmas time. If I were you I would mention to your in laws that your daughter is expecting a doll from santa and since you don't 'do' santa it will have to come from them or they will need to explain to her why it didn't. 

elus0814 is offline  
#5 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 10:39 AM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,261
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Honestly, this is why we traveled at xmas time for years. It really gets you out of a lot of this stuff. Pick another holiday to spend with the in-laws and go all out. I don't appreciate those folks who blatantly go against our family's wishes and value system.

tjlucca likes this.
philomom is online now  
#6 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 10:56 AM
 
lynsage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,177
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I agree with the PP who said the ILs need to get her a doll- if they're the ones who took her to see "Santa" and now she thinks she's getting that doll, it shouldn't fall to the parents who are trying NOT to lie to her and disappoint her to either get the doll or leave her doll-less and bummed out!

 

I would just tell IL's what you just told us- you're not so rabidly anti-Santa that you think they're harming the kids with the Santa talk or anything like that, but it puts you in an awkward position. Explain about the dolls and the confusion between real and pretend, all that. That SHOULD be enough to make them stand back and think about the dynamics they're creating with Santa. It doesn't sound to me like you're blaming the ILs in your description of the situation, so it seems to me like it should be fine to just tell them this is creating some sticky situations for you and you don't want it to happen in the future.

 

My mom does Santa with my DD. I explained to DD that Santa isn't real and it's just a game she can play with Grammy if she wants to. So far she has chosen to play along. 

lynsage is offline  
#7 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 03:47 PM
 
CarrieMF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Alberta/Saskatchewan
Posts: 8,864
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I don't think the il's need to get her a doll or that you should have to go out & get a doll.

 

 

 

Quote:
 I don't want my kids to expect a certain gift.

 

My kids are 8, 9 & 12.  We have done Santa from the beginning.  We had Santa growing up.  We(and my kids) never EXPECT Santa to bring us what we ask for.  Santa decides.

 

If you explained your position on Santa to your kids then that should be the end of it. 

~PurityLake~ and nola79 like this.
CarrieMF is offline  
#8 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 04:38 PM
 
terra-pip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 355
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I don't get why people don't do Santa. We don't go and visit Santa's and my kids know the ones they may see are people dressed up as and pretending. They know Santa isn't real REAL...but we have made it so that Santa is real inside us. We write letters and there's no presents under the tree until Christmas morning and we put out cookies and listen for sleigh bells (and no Daddy does not shake bells at night) It's a magical time...we also talk about a load of other seasonal things besides this part of it.

 

 

It's a feeling... a very special feeling that I feel bad that any kid should miss out on. I think making Santa something we "don't do" is giving it more importance and thought than just letting it be what it is. Kids are going to pay more attention to the forbiddens.


homeschooling, breastfeeding, cosleeping mama to ds1(7), ds2(3) and dd(3 months)
terra-pip is offline  
#9 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 05:04 PM
 
4evermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 8,752
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by terra-pip View Post

I don't get why people don't do Santa. We don't go and visit Santa's and my kids know the ones they may see are people dressed up as and pretending. They know Santa isn't real REAL...but we have made it so that Santa is real inside us. We write letters and there's no presents under the tree until Christmas morning and we put out cookies and listen for sleigh bells (and no Daddy does not shake bells at night) It's a magical time...we also talk about a load of other seasonal things besides this part of it.

 

 

It's a feeling... a very special feeling that I feel bad that any kid should miss out on. I think making Santa something we "don't do" is giving it more importance and thought than just letting it be what it is. Kids are going to pay more attention to the forbiddens.

Don't feel bad!  Many kids find Santa down right creepy!  Pretending some guy was going to sneak into the house and leave presents would have freaked my ds out.  Besides, he has a logical mind and the story simply didn't make sense to him.  I'm just ROFL at the idea of someone feeling bad for him:-D  He feels bad for the other kids!  And we have lovely Christmas' full of special feelings regardless;-)

 

We didn't "do" Santa growing up so it would have taken a tremendous amount of effort for me to pretend he is real.  My dh's family, on the other hand, went over the top pretending he was real.  My dh felt betrayed and tricked when he found out.  To compound the hurt, he had to keep up a front and and continue to pretend for the sake of his younger sisters.  He still feels bitter about that.

 

 


Mom to unschooling 4everboy since 8/01
4evermom is offline  
#10 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 05:15 PM
 
chrstene's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 190
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Lisa, I understand your frustration.  We don't "do" Santa either.  There's a million reasons for people to DO or NOT DO Santa I suppose...but I do believe that others should really respect the family's wishes.  I just went through something similar, where I left my kids with my PARENTS for a few hours while I had some errands to run.  Well, yesterday my DD (4) says that her grandmother told her santa is going to come and bring presents, etc.  I said "well, you know that santa is pretend - she is being silly".  and she said I told her that but she said "he used to come to MY house, I saw him".  UGH .  REALLY ??  

I haven't approached my mother yet...but absolutely have to because we spend Christmas with her and my sister.  It's hard for her to understand because we DID Santa growing up.  Over the top Santa too !  MY sister does Santa (or did when they were younger, last year !).  and for many it's harmless.  I have decided that although it is fun and I can remember all the fun as a kid, we will not do it with our kids.  So I know to my family I am the oddball, but that's ok.  What's NOT ok is going against our wishes. 

 

I also don't that anyone needs to buy her a doll.  You've already discussed Santa isn't real.  YOu bought the gifts.  It is what it is.  IMHO.

chrstene is offline  
#11 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 05:16 PM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by 4evermom View Post

 

 

We didn't "do" Santa growing up so it would have taken a tremendous amount of effort for me to pretend he is real.  My dh's family, on the other hand, went over the top pretending he was real.  My dh felt betrayed and tricked when he found out.  To compound the hurt, he had to keep up a front and and continue to pretend for the sake of his younger sisters.  He still feels bitter about that.

 

 


I'm SO excited to do Santa this year!!!  My ds will hopefully have siblings in the future, but there will most likely be a large age gap.  I'm actually pretty excited for that, b/c once he finds out that santa isn't "real" (although I will not lie to him, and probably won't make x-mas out to be ALL about Santa), I will get to include him in the magic!!!  One of my friends families did that growing up - once the older kids found out about santa, they got to do things like eat the cookies and leave a bit to make it look like Santa visited, help set out the santa presents for the younger kids (her gifts got set out after she was sent to bed so that they were a surprise for her - she got to stay up late x-mas eve to be one of santa's helpers), and help make "santa" footprints in the snow, etc.  She LOVED it, and I can't wait to be able to do with ds!

Minxie likes this.
Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#12 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 05:26 PM
 
Tigerchild's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Seattle Eastside
Posts: 4,737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Don't get her the doll if you're done with the Christmas shopping.

 

You don't do Santa, you've explained he was a story.

 

Somehow I doubt that your DD will even remember on Christmas morning.  If she mentions it, it's really okay to say, "Oh, well, sometimes we don't get everything for the holidays that was on our list!"

 

And that's not such a bad lesson for any kid (or adult) to learn.  It will be just fine.  Yes, you're irritated with your ILs because you don't like Santa, and perhaps that's what's leading you to feel put upon to get a doll.  But that's just your feelings.  There is absolutely no obligation, and your kiddo will be just fine not getting a doll.  You'll handle any questions that come up at the time like you would for a birthday or other gift giving occasion where someone didn't get all the exact things they wanted.  :)

~PurityLake~ likes this.
Tigerchild is offline  
#13 of 61 Old 12-10-2010, 05:49 PM
 
churndash's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 270
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I don't understand why this is an in-laws issue. You say in your original post that they've seen Santa at the mall and asked to see him and "of course I said yes."

 

So if you've allowed the children to visit Santa yourself, why is it the in-laws fault that they visited Santa this time?

 

How old is the daughter who wants the doll?

 

While I agree that no one should expect a gift, I don't think there is anything morally wrong about wanting something for Christmas.

 

And from the gift-giver's perspective, I like giving people things that I know they want, not whatever it is I think they ought to have.  If you know your child wants a doll, and you aren't opposed to her having a doll, why not let her have the doll? I would return one of the gifts you already bought and give her a doll. You have plenty of time to return something; it's only the 11th. Or switch out the girls' presents so the daughter who wants the doll is getting one.

 

There were times my kids wanted something particular for Christmas. Sometimes I could afford it, sometimes I couldn't. But I really cannot imagine knowing what my child wants, having the time and resources to get it for her (there are two weeks to Christmas, you could exchange one of the other gifts) and not only NOT give her the gift she wants, but actually give the gift she wants to her sister! That just seems a very harsh lesson to learn at such a young age.

 

 

 

Minxie likes this.
churndash is offline  
#14 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 07:16 AM
Banned
 
SneakyPie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Somewhere around here . . .
Posts: 1,192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Why not just return one gift you've already bought, and get her a doll instead?  This is an easy enough problem to solve, and then you don't have a disappointed child on Xmas morning.  Believe me, that is NOT the time you want to have a "teaching moment."  Just go with the joy and fun.

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.
SneakyPie is offline  
#15 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 07:18 AM
 
D_McG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,998
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post

But I really cannot imagine knowing what my child wants, having the time and resources to get it for her (there are two weeks to Christmas, you could exchange one of the other gifts) and not only NOT give her the gift she wants, but actually give the gift she wants to her sister! That just seems a very harsh lesson to learn at such a young age.

 

 

 


Exactly.  This isn't a santa or an IL issue, IMO.  You can pick up a doll for $5.  Imagine her face when her sister gets a doll and she does not :(  It's just kind to get her a doll.  Return one of her other presents if necessary.  It's the Christmas spirit :)

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.

DS (6.06), DD (10.08), DD (05.11).

D_McG is offline  
#16 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 07:31 AM
 
JavaJunkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 251
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by D_McG View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post

But I really cannot imagine knowing what my child wants, having the time and resources to get it for her (there are two weeks to Christmas, you could exchange one of the other gifts) and not only NOT give her the gift she wants, but actually give the gift she wants to her sister! That just seems a very harsh lesson to learn at such a young age.

 

 

 


Exactly.  This isn't a santa or an IL issue, IMO.  You can pick up a doll for $5.  Imagine her face when her sister gets a doll and she does not :(  It's just kind to get her a doll.  Return one of her other presents if necessary.  It's the Christmas spirit :)

yeahthat.gif
 

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.
JavaJunkie is offline  
#17 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 07:52 AM
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,052
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Who cares about the Santa issue??? The problem is that the ILs took the OP's kids out and now one of the kids thinks she's getting a present that isn't happening. So basically, the ILs encouraged the "santa brings stuff" story, didn't do anything to help indicate that "santa" doesn't bring everything asked for, and basically forged the OP's signature on a contract she didn't even know existed.

 

Who cares if a doll is cheap? It's the same moral situation as if the ILs let the dd believe santa was going to bring an XBox.

sapphire_chan is offline  
#18 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 07:58 AM
 
D_McG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,998
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

She OK'd them going to see santa.

 

and it's NOT an xbox.  It's a doll.  

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.

DS (6.06), DD (10.08), DD (05.11).

D_McG is offline  
#19 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 08:02 AM
 
churndash's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 270
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Four years ago, my former mother in law took both my girls to the mall to pick out their own Christmas presents. She bought my oldest an American Girl Doll that my dd didn't even want (she felt she was too old for them). She refused to get one for my youngest, even though my youngest desperately wanted one.

 

That was four years ago and I can still remember the heartbroken look on my baby girls face and the way her little voice broke when she asked me why she wasn't special enough to get a special doll.

 

That was the last time I let MIL take them anywhere, by the way.

 

Forget the inlaws, forget Santa. This is about giving one child a gift that you know the other one wants. I cannot fathom why any parent would want to do that.

 

If the OP is mad at her inlaws (although again I don't know why, because she said she had taken the kids to see Santa herself before) then take it up with the inlaws, but don't punish the child to spite the inlaws.

 

If Santa and the inlaws were taken out of the equation, if your child came to you and said "mommy, I want a doll for Christmas" would you say "Tough cookies, kiddo, I already did your shopping and you're not getting one. Your sister is though. This will be a good lesson to you that a gift is not something you ask for, it's whatever I feel like giving you."

 

Princess ConsuelaB and Minxie like this.
churndash is offline  
#20 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 08:14 AM
 
prettypixels's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: MD
Posts: 2,622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It's not your in-laws who asked for a doll, it's your child.  Why not just get her a doll?  She *asked* for a doll.  It's not about a list of demands, no, but gifts ARE supposed to be something the recipient *wants.*  Dolls can be had quite cheaply this time of year and it would make your kid happy,. which sounds worthwhile to me. 

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.
prettypixels is offline  
#21 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 08:42 AM
 
Drummer's Wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Land of Enchantment
Posts: 11,487
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can't imagine not buying the dang doll for her...
Princess ConsuelaB likes this.

ribboncesarean.gif cesareans happen.
Drummer's Wife is offline  
#22 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 08:48 AM
 
One_Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 4,668
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)

It may be a good thing that she had this confusion and told you this because now you know that she is hoping for a doll for a present.  Imagine if she never said she wanted one but really wanted one and saw her sister getting one for Christmas.  That would be crushing, especially if she enjoys playing with dolls and only her sister gets one.  I don't have two kids, but I remember some of the fights my brother and I got in when we didn't think things were fair and I can't imagine setting myself up for something like that during the holidays.  Now you at least know that she is hoping for a doll and you can decide what to do with that information either by getting a doll and a non-doll gift for your other child or by preparing to help her through her jealousy and disappointment on Christmas day.  Either way it sucks that she wants a doll and you have already done the shopping.  I usually wait until a few days before Christmas so I get a good idea of what my dd really wants. 

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.
One_Girl is offline  
#23 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 09:09 AM
 
sophiekat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: revolting with the knitters
Posts: 1,457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post

I don't understand why this is an in-laws issue. You say in your original post that they've seen Santa at the mall and asked to see him and "of course I said yes."

 

So if you've allowed the children to visit Santa yourself, why is it the in-laws fault that they visited Santa this time?

 

How old is the daughter who wants the doll?

 

While I agree that no one should expect a gift, I don't think there is anything morally wrong about wanting something for Christmas.

 

And from the gift-giver's perspective, I like giving people things that I know they want, not whatever it is I think they ought to have.  If you know your child wants a doll, and you aren't opposed to her having a doll, why not let her have the doll? I would return one of the gifts you already bought and give her a doll. You have plenty of time to return something; it's only the 11th. Or switch out the girls' presents so the daughter who wants the doll is getting one.

 

There were times my kids wanted something particular for Christmas. Sometimes I could afford it, sometimes I couldn't. But I really cannot imagine knowing what my child wants, having the time and resources to get it for her (there are two weeks to Christmas, you could exchange one of the other gifts) and not only NOT give her the gift she wants, but actually give the gift she wants to her sister! That just seems a very harsh lesson to learn at such a young age.

 

 

 


I absolutely agree.  

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.

Obstruct livery vehicles!

sophiekat is offline  
#24 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 09:34 AM
 
eepster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: growing in the Garden State ............
Posts: 8,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It shouldn't be hard for your ILs to return the TAG map and get a doll instead.  I work retail, and with each sale I ask "do you need a gift receipt."   Stores know that sometimes gifts aren't quite right and need to be changed.  

 

Getting this one thing, doesn't need to open the door to huge long lists of demands.  Santa in most houses brings one special gift.  he tries to honor reasonable requests, but is not always able to get everything, especially if the item is very expensive.

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.

Timmy's Mommy WARNINGyslexic typing with help of preschooler, beware of typos
eepster is offline  
#25 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 09:54 AM
 
Tigerchild's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Seattle Eastside
Posts: 4,737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Does the OP's daughter really want a doll though?  Way back in the olden days, when I had a job as a photography assistant for mall santa, a lot of kids who were dragged there for pictures had no clue what to say to the guy who's lap they were sitting on.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but--I guess when I read "Santa said I'm getting a doll" instead of "I want a doll for Christmas", I took that to mean that perhaps that was just something sexist and generic said to her, that she was relating.

 

I also kind of assumed that the OP knows her kid, and picked out gifts that her daughter would be thrilled about anyway--perhaps that's an unreasonable assumption.  I would NOT rush to return something that was carefully picked that I know my kid loves and wants in order to buy her a crappy doll that she will toss aside in 5 minutes--all because some guy in a Santa suit said it to her and she related that to me.  IF we're going to criticize not rushing out to get a doll as imposing what we want our kids to have on our kids, then I hope that we'd take the time to actually discover what our kid wants instead of assuming that they do in fact really *want* a doll vs. something else that actually reflects their interests.

 

Given that the OP doesn't do santa in the first place, why not ask the kid what kind of doll she's interested in?  A baby doll?  Older kid doll?  One you can dress up?  One that poops?  What?  There's a million different kinds of dolls out there, and if the OP's kid has never asked for a doll before this visit, and you're going to return stuff to fulfill what she said, might as well make it something nice that she wants, right?

~PurityLake~ likes this.
Tigerchild is offline  
#26 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 10:18 AM
 
savithny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,732
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Take Santa out of the scenario entirely.   Imagine your DD is sitting at the table and suddenly says "You know what I would really like to have?  A DOLL!"   

 

My kids have talked to Santa in various places, and Santa has never asked leading questions or assumed my little girl would want a doll, so I would recommend taking this at face value.  She would like a doll.  It's the one thing she has stated that she wants.  There are presents already purchased that she has not asked for, and the one thing she has specifically expressed an interest in WILL be under the tree, but for her sister.

 

This isn't a Santa issue.  The existence of Santa didn't make her want that doll, it just brought to light the information that she does have one specific wish for a present.   

 

Were I in your shoes, I would get the doll, even if it meant returnign something else.  Or I'd swap the doll for her sister into *her* presents and do something else for the sister.  

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.

savithny, 42 year old moderate mom to DS Primo (age 12) and DD Secunda (age 9).

savithny is offline  
#27 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 11:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
Lisa85's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 982
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

There seems to be some misconception.  It's not about buying a doll or not buying a doll or even visiting Santa. I'm not thrilled with the idea (because of reasons just like this), but I'm not against it either.  The issue I have is that we have clearly explained to the IL's that we will not be doing Santa and they passive-aggressively put the idea in my kids head that Santa would bring them a certain gift, or gifts in general.  We don't do Santa, and it irritates me that they are trying to go around me and essentially force us to do Santa.  MIL in particular doesn't agree with many of our parenting beliefs and has done similar things in the past.

 

And I don't mind them seeing Santa.  When I brought the girls it wasn't specifically to see Santa, we happened to be at the mall and Santa was center court.  The store we were going into was on the other side, so no avoiding Santa.  When they asked, I wasn't about to deny them.  But it was how it was done.  They visited them, Santa asked what they wanted, and one said a book, the other said a puzzle.  But never was there an expectation that Santa would bring them that.  It's one of the many reasons we don't do Santa.  They may ask for gifts, but I've seen far too many parents go to the ends of the earth to get The Toy so we don't set up the expectation that they may ask and expect to recieve a certain gift.

 

FWIW, dd1 (who is 5 and asked for the doll) does not have her heart set on a doll, she wants and is getting a pink camera.  It's all I've heard about for the past 8 months, I have never heard her ask for a doll so I'm sure she will be fine Christmas morning.  We do not skimp on Christmas so she'll have plenty of presents and like a pp said, after two weeks I think she may forget about it all together.  I've already wrapped all the gifts and I don't remember which one is the doll.  If she had her heart set on a doll, I'd likely go out and get one, but I think it was just a passing thing as she is still talking about a darn pink camera, lol and I haven't heard another word about a doll.

Quote:
Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but--I guess when I read "Santa said I'm getting a doll" instead of "I want a doll for Christmas",

Nope, not reading too much into it.  If she had said "I want a doll" or even "I want Santa to bring me a doll" I wouldn't have thought anything of it.  Just reminded her that Santa can't bring her a doll because he's a cartoon like Dora and something we pretend with, but if you want a doll, we can see about putting it on your wishlist.  But when she said "Santa is going to bring me a doll" that's what caused me to find out where she got that idea.

 

 

 

Quote:
I also kind of assumed that the OP knows her kid, and picked out gifts that her daughter would be thrilled about anyway--perhaps that's an unreasonable assumption.  I would NOT rush to return something that was carefully picked that I know my kid loves and wants in order to buy her a crappy doll that she will toss aside in 5 minutes--all because some guy in a Santa suit said it to her and she related that to me.  IF we're going to criticize not rushing out to get a doll as imposing what we want our kids to have on our kids, then I hope that we'd take the time to actually discover what our kid wants instead of assuming that they do in fact really *want* a doll vs. something else that actually reflects their interests.

nod.gif

 

 

Quote:

Who cares about the Santa issue??? The problem is that the ILs took the OP's kids out and now one of the kids thinks she's getting a present that isn't happening. So basically, the ILs encouraged the "santa brings stuff" story, didn't do anything to help indicate that "santa" doesn't bring everything asked for, and basically forged the OP's signature on a contract she didn't even know existed.

 

Who cares if a doll is cheap? It's the same moral situation as if the ILs let the dd believe santa was going to bring an XBox.

 

This is my point exactly.  It's not about the doll, it's about the whole idea and what could have been.  I would have been !@#$% had she asked for a toy I couldn't provide and had her heart set on it.  I got lucky in that it's only a doll and that so far she hasn't even mentioned it again.  She'll get Xmas money so if I'm wrong and she is still expecting a doll, she can go out and buy one.

Lisa85 is offline  
#28 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 11:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
Lisa85's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 982
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by terra-pip View Post

I don't get why people don't do Santa. We don't go and visit Santa's and my kids know the ones they may see are people dressed up as and pretending. They know Santa isn't real REAL...but we have made it so that Santa is real inside us. We write letters and there's no presents under the tree until Christmas morning and we put out cookies and listen for sleigh bells (and no Daddy does not shake bells at night) It's a magical time...we also talk about a load of other seasonal things besides this part of it.

 

 

It's a feeling... a very special feeling that I feel bad that any kid should miss out on. I think making Santa something we "don't do" is giving it more importance and thought than just letting it be what it is. Kids are going to pay more attention to the forbiddens.

While I appreciate your opinion, this thread is not about doing or not doing Santa.  We don't do Santa, and I'm not looking for people to convince me otherwise.  If you want to debate whether or not a family should do Santa, that's for another thread.
 

Mama2Bug and ~PurityLake~ like this.
Lisa85 is offline  
#29 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 11:39 AM
 
Jessnet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Too far away from the sea
Posts: 86
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post


While I agree that no one should expect a gift, I don't think there is anything morally wrong about wanting something for Christmas.

 

And from the gift-giver's perspective, I like giving people things that I know they want, not whatever it is I think they ought to have.  If you know your child wants a doll, and you aren't opposed to her having a doll, why not let her have the doll? I would return one of the gifts you already bought and give her a doll. You have plenty of time to return something; it's only the 11th. Or switch out the girls' presents so the daughter who wants the doll is getting one.

 

There were times my kids wanted something particular for Christmas. Sometimes I could afford it, sometimes I couldn't. But I really cannot imagine knowing what my child wants, having the time and resources to get it for her (there are two weeks to Christmas, you could exchange one of the other gifts) and not only NOT give her the gift she wants, but actually give the gift she wants to her sister! That just seems a very harsh lesson to learn at such a young age.

 

 

 


yeahthat.gif

 

 Like PPs pointed out, there is plenty of time to exchange gifts or swap out presents. Or, at the very least, find a new present for DD2 so neither of the girls will be getting dolls.

 

It's one thing to not allow the consumerism of the season become out of control in your house, it's another to flaunt giving a coveted gift to one child over another.

 

From your post OP, it seems like you are most upset that your ILs introduced the idea that Santa brings gifts to children. You were okay with Santa as long as you felt your children couldn't "demand" or "expect" gifts from him. But honestly, without an all out Santa ban in your family, at some point your kids were going to pick up on this aspect of Santa's character all on their own. 

 

There are lots, and lots, and lots, and LOTS, of other ways to teach your DD1 about generosity, compassion, giving, and graciousness other than watching her little sister open a present she wanted on Christmas morning.

 

 

 

ETA  - Posted before OP's updated reply

Princess ConsuelaB likes this.

Mommy to one great little boy (2009)
Jessnet is offline  
#30 of 61 Old 12-11-2010, 11:50 AM
 
GuildJenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Toronto
Posts: 4,517
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:

yeahthat.gif


 

 Like PPs pointed out, there is plenty of time to exchange gifts or swap out presents. Or, at the very least, find a new present for DD2 so neither of the girls will be getting dolls.

 

It's one thing to not allow the consumerism of the season become out of control in your house, it's another to flaunt giving a coveted gift to one child over another.

 

From your post OP, it seems like you are most upset that your ILs introduced the idea that Santa brings gifts to children. You were okay with Santa as long as you felt your children couldn't "demand" or "expect" gifts from him. But honestly, without an all out Santa ban in your family, at some point your kids were going to pick up on this aspect of Santa's character all on their own. 

 

There are lots, and lots, and lots, and LOTS, of other ways to teach your DD1 about generosity, compassion, giving, and graciousness other than watching her little sister open a present she wanted on Christmas morning.

 

 

 

ETA  - Posted before OP's updated reply


I agree with this, although if she doesn't really want a doll then it's a moot point.

 

I really think that by having her sit on Santa's lap and say what she wanted you, as the mother and the core of her family value system, basically gave the whole "Santa is going to bring me..." thing a pass.  We all make those kinds of decisions and it's okay. But because you didn't pair it with the letter to Santa, or the explanation that you have to tell Santa in time for the elves to make it, or whatever, now it's kind of an open, ongoing way for her to ask for things.

 

The ILs are annoying but the thing with Santa is that it's so pervasive, you will have to deal with it anyway. You can be grumpy about it, sure. But this was going to happen with your kids at some point.

 

Personally, unless my budget were super super tight, I'd skimp somewhere else like on fancy cheese or whatever and go get a $5 doll for the one DD, and extra craft supplies or whatever for the other. And no, I wouldn't keep doing that ad nauseum. We tend to 2/3 our budget to earlier planned gifts and reserve 1/3 for last minute requests because young kids tend to have short-term goals. As they age we'll get more rigid about it.


~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
GuildJenn is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off