DS doesn't want a sibling, do I take his comments seriously? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-05-2011, 11:32 AM
 
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no. His feeling should be heard, but it's not his say.

 

If YOU only want one because of your DHs health etc, then that's your decision :)

 

I was 6 when my parents told my sister and I they were pregnant with #3. I really didn't want another sibling, I thought our family was fine the way it was. and I was REALLY mad I was being told and not asked lol.gif But after a while I got used to the idea and was exited about having another sibling


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Old 03-05-2011, 09:53 PM
 
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I think having a second (or third or fourth) child is a complex decision that will never be made on one single factor, and I think it's very thoughtful of you to put so much stock in how your son would respond to having a sibling.

When DD was born I almost broke down because my DS (3.5 at the time) was so upset. I cried and cried. It's been six months and things are better, but the effect on my son still feels irreparable. His sleep is chaotic, he barely eats food, he can't make it through a day without melting down, he has dark circles under his eyes. I wouldn't do it differently but I also don't minimize the impact it has had on my sweet, amazing little boy. My heart still breaks for him and his loss. He'll gain a lot from his sister in the long-run, but it's hard, so I don't think it's crazy to take an older child's feelings into consideration. At the same time, it's your decision and your DH's decision and your DS will get through whatever his challenges are.

Your boy is insightful enough to know there will be sacrifices. That's a good thing. It's our job as parents not to make our kids lives comfortable but to get them through hardship. I know that DS will someday be unable to imagine his life without his sister.

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Old 03-06-2011, 12:55 PM
 
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I think something that has not been said, and I know this is how my own brain works - is that if this consideration of ds's attitude will make it easier for you to move on then I think it's fine to frame it that way - I tried for years to get pg (and finally did, dd is 7 yo) but I worked hard to appreciate my life w/o children and to try to come to a place of acceptance about it -

You have some good reasons to stop TTC regardless of your son's opinion, but if this helps tilt in that direction even more and helps you feel better (although you may always feel a sort of loss of not having a daughter?but as you say there are no guarantees) then I think that's just fine...

 

Having just one child I can say I am very happy with it just the three of us, so maybe I am biased - but there are some definite positives to just one and none of the upsides to having a sibling are ever guaranteed...

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Old 03-07-2011, 01:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by bonamarq View Post

I think something that has not been said, and I know this is how my own brain works - is that if this consideration of ds's attitude will make it easier for you to move on then I think it's fine to frame it that way - I tried for years to get pg (and finally did, dd is 7 yo) but I worked hard to appreciate my life w/o children and to try to come to a place of acceptance about it -

You have some good reasons to stop TTC regardless of your son's opinion, but if this helps tilt in that direction even more and helps you feel better (although you may always feel a sort of loss of not having a daughter?but as you say there are no guarantees) then I think that's just fine...

 

Having just one child I can say I am very happy with it just the three of us, so maybe I am biased - but there are some definite positives to just one and none of the upsides to having a sibling are ever guaranteed...


I'd been thinking about this thread for a while and was coming back here today to say something similar. My perspective is as the mom of one (fantastic . . . .most of the time . ) 8 year old DS. I got pregnant accidentally (IUD!). We've waffled about having another one, but I just turned 40 and, for various reasons, it looks like we'll probably stay with DS as an only.

Anyway, I completely agree with Bonamrq's post. I think a lot of people have taken the OP's comments as some sort of Consensual Living perspective gone completely off the charts. That's not how I took it at all. I took it as there being a lot of very valid reasons to stop TTC, however difficult it would be for the OP and her DP to give up their hopes and dreams of a second child. If their DC had really really wanted it a sibling, it might have tilted the balance in favor of keeping on TTC for a bit longer (or, at least, given a sort of much-needed outside "excuse"). Likewise, their DC adamantly *not* wanting a sibling could tilt the balance in favor of stopping. But none of this would have come up had they been able to conceive relatively easily and had their not been other medical issues for OP's DP, etc. Therefore, i don't think the OP or anyone else is saying that the DC gets to "decide."

Hang in there, OP.
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Old 03-07-2011, 04:30 AM
 
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We are going through a similar thing right now.  My son (4) reminds us alllll the time that he hates babies.  He hates going to the gym if there are babies there if he hears a crying baby in the mall he freaks out and says they should be quiet.  Seriously, it is a struggle.  We have been doing our best to encourage the idea that babies are fun, and that crying is their way of talking.  In Jan when we found out I was pregnant I started looking for fun books for him.  Unfortunately I mc.  I didn't give him the books as we were waiting until 2nd tri to introduce the idea of being a big brother.  He is not our deciding factor but his opinion on babies certainly does make us think about the idea of being a 3 person family.  We will still ttc again (if I can ever get af again).  It will be an adjustment for him, but if we are blessed with another pregnancy then there will be lots of talking and games to help him adjust.


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Old 03-10-2011, 01:15 PM
 
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I wouldn't let any child at any age be a deciding factor one way or the other. When it comes to things like moving, jobs, adding to the family and things of that nature they don't have a say. Yes certain concerns are/will be dealt with if they arise as in what can we do to make this easier and things like that.  but other then that their say won't matter.

 

I say if you want to stop then stop but don't let his comments about not wanting change be a factor. 

 

Good Luck on whatever you guys decide to do.

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