Screaming and Aggression? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-24-2011, 04:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
MommaSomeday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Southern New Mexico
Posts: 1,067
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hi Jessica! Since you had such wonderful advice for the sleep issues we were experiencing with Jareth, i thought I would ask your advice on our other issue. Overall, things are great with our little dude. But, with no other parents we know the do attachment parenting and many around us not very understanding/supportive, it's hard to know what to do.

 

Within the past month or so (he's 16 months now), Jareth has started screaming. Now, he's always been a loud kid and he comes by it honestly. He doesn't exactly throw tantrums, but he just screams. if he's happy, sad, frustrated, playing, angry, doesn't matter. We have tried to teach him to use a quiet voice by making th shh sign and whispering, but he just doesn't get it (or doesn't care). It gets to be really disruptive in any social situation - out to dinner, at a store, at the park, etc.

 

The other, slightly related, issue is the aggression eh has begun exhibiting. He is a biter. While he will try to bite other people when he is really ticked off at them, he mostly bites me. Over the past couple months there has rarely been a day I wasn't sporting at least one bruise on my shoulder or arm from a Jareth bite. He has also begun hitting. When he was younger, it was more that he was very exuberant and excited and he would accidentally smack you. We would tell him to be careful and use gentle touches, then taking his hand and modeling the gentle touch. This no longer works. When he gets angry or frustrated, he actually glares at you (which in any other situation would be hilarious - the look on his face is so incongruous with a baby that I can't put them together), raises his hand up like a threat, then smacks as hard as his little hand can. We have tried the gentle touch approach, making sad faces and telling him "Don't hit! Hurts Mommy!" and setting him down and saying "That hurts Mommy. Mommy doesn't want to play with you when you hit/scream at/are mean to her" and I will sit apart from him until he settles down. usually, he just follows me and tries to keep hitting me. We don't spank, although we have resorted to it a couple times in the past out of sheer frustration or dangerous situations. After, we usually apologize and tell him we shouldn't hit, we are sorry.

 

We were just visiting my sister, who has a 2.5 year old daughter. She is opposite of Jareth in every way - very quiet, very shy. Jareth raised his hand to hit her and she was in hysterical tears. Each time he yelled she would say "Baby Jawef, no shreiking" and if he did it again, it made her very upset. She spent the weekend running away from him and demanding people hold her so she wasn't on his level. He is not around others his age often, but I am now honestly a little afraid - I don't know how to deal with a biter/hitter/screamer in toddler social situations, either.

 

All around, he has actually stopped listening to us, now that I am thinking about it all and writing it down. He tries to turn on the knobs to our stove and no matter what we try, he won't leave them alone, so we have had to block off our kitchen. When he is outside or somewhere and we try to call him back, he won't come, he runs away like it's a game.

 

Any advice you can provide would be appreciated. Your style of LOVE parenting so jives with how we are trying to raise our son, and your advice is heartfelt and helpful.

 

Thanks!


Rachele Garrin ~ Missing Gideon and Butterball ~ Loving for our Jareth
MommaSomeday is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-27-2011, 09:07 AM
 
JessicaWilliams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 72
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hi Rachele,

Thanks for writing in again and I am so glad the other information proved helpful for you. I will respond to this within a couple of days. Best, 

Jessica

 

 

Birthing A New Mother home study program NOW AVAILABLE for pre-conception, pregnancy & the first year of motherhood. I am a featured contributor in this course brought to you by Conscious Motherhood.

The Ultimate Parenting Course will be available November 15, 2011. A cadre of the best of today’s progressive parenting experts come together in this transformational 8-week home study course for parents of children birth to 7 years. Email me at [email protected] for pre-order.

The L.O.V.E. Parenting Birthkit has helped women have a transformational and empowering birth. Written exercises, audio & private coaching. Amazing for first or second pregnancy.

Sign Up for my E-Zine! Email: [email protected]

Like me on Facebook L.O.V.E. Parenting and Follow on Twitter @LoveParenting

Private Coaching Session! Phone or Los Angeles office. www.LoveParentingLA.com

  • “Truly amazing woman. I love her advice.”—Carrie-Anne Moss.
  • “All you have shared has helped tremendously.”—Lisa Bonet.
  • “I am experiencing nothing short of a miracle thanks to your laser beam approach.” –Andrea Bendewald.

 

 

LPLOGO.jpg

 
JessicaWilliams is offline  
Old 07-01-2011, 02:44 AM
 
JessicaWilliams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 72
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

Dear Rachele,

 

Thank you for waiting. I hope this is helpful for you and everyone else who reads this.

 

Baby Mine Letter: I certainly understand the frustration you are experiencing with some of Jareth’s recent behaviors. Emerging from a blissed-out infant stage into an unruly toddler stage can be downright shocking, especially, for an attachment-parenting momma. The first L.O.V.E. Parenting exercise I would recommend is to write a letter to “Baby Jareth.” Write about your experience with him in the first year, detailing the love, harmony and tranquility you experienced with him. This letter will serve to memorialize and contain this chapter in your mothering, and help you stay connected to Jareth when you get frustrated and feel disconnected as a result of his defiant behavior.

 

Universal: It is developmentally appropriate for Jareth to be testing the limits, exerting his will and showcasing his independence and defiance; now comes the universal parenting challenge of honoring his spirit and expression, and yet channeling it and harnessing it where necessary so he can respect the people and places in his surroundings. So begins the social integration of your toddler…

 

Temperament: It may comfort you to know that while developmentally appropriate, some of what you are experiencing in Jareth is due to his temperament. Some toddlers are screamers, some are not; some scream once and some scream a lot. Screaming, biting, hitting and not listening are taxing behaviors to deal with. Take comfort that if you choose to expand your family at some point, your next child might not exhibit all the same challenges. Also, make sure to integrate self-care to fill your reserves as you are dealing with this phase. Click here for a L.O.V.E. Parenting link to self-care. As well the L.O.V.E. Parenting meditation CD could be helpful to relax, ground and center you. Click here for information about the CD. 

 

Visceral Release: Here is the thing, if Jareth were being too rough while petting a cat or giving a friend a hug, you could use the “gentle touch” modeling method to teach him to use a softer touch. In these examples his emotional experience is one of joy or connection and possibly, over-excitement. When Jareth is angry, however, he’s not interested in the gentle touches; that will not get him to the other side of the rough emotions he is feeling. To get a child to the other side of their anger, in lieu of hitting, biting, yelling, kicking, spitting, pulling, etc, you need to give him an alternative that gives him the same visceral release as the action that was working for him. There is a L.O.V.E. Parenting technique called “A Place For Angry Feelings,” offering places to put that rush of emotion instead of on an other person or destroying something valuable. Here are some ideas: Punch a pillow, dig a hole and yell into it, run a bath, build & knock over a tower, rip up paper, put on music and stomp around, spin, scribble in a journal, bang a drum, or take a run/walk/ride around the block.

 

Mad-Bag: Another way to get through the angry feelings and back to inner-connection and calm is with the L.O.V.E. Parenting technique called the Mad Bag. Basically, you have a special bag that contains items to honor the anger (a journal with a black crayon for scribbling, a stack of paper for ripping to shreds,) items to transition out of the angry state and then a few activities for self-soothing. Read the full post describing the Mad-Bag here: http://www.loveparentingla.com/?p=790

 

Set the Stage: At a time away from distress Set the Stage with your child about the situation with a L.O.V.E. Parenting technique called WEL-C, which stands for Witness, Empathy, Limit, Choice. Witness that you see how upset he has been in the various settings and that you’ve noticed by his biting/screaming/kicking how frustrated he’s seemed. Exhibit empathy as you describe an age appropriate example of a time when you felt out of control of a situation and wanted to lash out. State the limit: he may not harm others: their ear drums, their bodies, their toys, etc. Choice: this is when you offer up some of the methods from the visceral release, as well as present the Mad-Bag. Basically, you are offering a host of tools he can access himself, even at this young age. You are offering him control over his own distress and a road-map out of it. This will take a while to integrate but you will be beginning as you mean to go on, introducing skills his future.

 

More alternatives: Another approach is to celebrate his natural expression, while defining the limits. This looks like giving Jareth an opportunity to use the full range of human expression, ie. screaming and biting, but in an appropriate setting, ie, keeping bodies safe and being sensitive to the community around you. Where can he scream: out to the ocean or a rushing stream? While listening to rock and roll? Into a pillow? Digging a hole in the earth and yelling into it? Where can he hit: a pillow, a bed, or a soft-block tower? What can he bite: A blanket? A pillow? Away from the moment of distress, give him full permission to do these things. When he goes to do this when it’s harmful to others, you can draw upon the memory of the safe place to put these behaviors.

 

In Real-Time: Once you’ve set the stage and introduced other methods of healthy release, you have created a collective frame of reference upon which to draw. When he starts to exhibit the challenging behaviors again you can reach to the WEL-C but use quick version, as in, “Jareth, I see you are upset and raising your hand to strike, I get it and can relate, you may not strike me, I can give you an alternative or you can make your own choice.” It’s often good to reiterate the limit here, “but you MAY NOT hit me.”

 

Get out of the way! The bottom line, your son may not bite you ever again. I want you to email me in a month with zero bruises reported. Physically remove yourself out of harm’s way and stop his hand mid-strike with a firm, “you may not hit my body.” You must be that clear internally that this is an absolute, unequivocal boundary. You may redirect the punch to a soft surface or simply place his hand at his side. This will most likely take vigilance and several repeats but you must stay the course. This is challenging but not insurmountable. Your diligence in this matter will absolutely affect his outbursts with you and other children.

 

Social situations: once you have some of these L.O.V.E. Parenting techniques in place you will be better equipped to navigate the social situations. He will have alternatives to hitting, a place to find inner-calm, and a clear limit. In the meantime, you must be absolutely clear with Jareth and keep the other children safe. Keep the vision of how you want Jareth to behave, don’t lose faith and keep walking towards that vision.

 

Escalate/De-escalate: When Jareth is hyped up and not listening, don’t match his energy; keep your energy calm and direct. Address him with absolute knowing: “Jareth, you may not touch the stove, I am responsible for your safety, and you must listen to my voice.”

 

Stop, Look & Listen: Another listening technique is upbeat and fun: “Stop!” “Look!” “Listen!” (just as Elvis sang it :-) It is truly a quick and literal reminder for him to stop what he’s doing, look at you and listen to your voice, and then return into the swirl of play, integrating whatever instruction you needed him to hear. Have him sing “Stop! Look! Listen!” (any melody will do) at a time when the listening isn’t an issue; this makes it easier to access the desired response later.

 

Spanking: It is crucial hat you never spank Jareth. I know that you said that you “don’t spank, although we have resorted to it a couple of times.” Please know that I have compassion for you and I know how frustrating it can be, but I am responding to the red flag that the stress of the situation is getting the better of you and you are occasionally doing something (spanking) that you don’t believe in. Here is one link of many that speaks to the many negative aspects of spanking and child development. http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/tenreasons.html. At the very least, as you already know, spanking your son undermines your attempts to teach Jareth to redirect his own explosive energy and impulses.

 

Alternatives For You: Here are some practices that might help you to manage your own frustration in lue of spanking: a quick audible breath, a long, audible breath, a clap, three claps, an energetic hand shake (like shaking water from your hands,) an operatic “Ah!” or turning around slowly in a full circle (this lets you temporarily “leave” the situation while remaining physically present.) Integrate these actions for yourself and make a vow today that you and your husband will never spank again.

 

Email me to sign up for my E-zine with new articles and techniques so you can stay in the loop. I also have a L.O.V.E. Parenting Technique CD with parenting visualizations, meditations, affirmations and techniques; it is relaxing, informative and uplifting; it may be of benefit for you. If you want more depth and support you can always contact me for a private coaching session.

 

All the best,

Jessica

Birthing A New Mother home study program NOW AVAILABLE for pre-conception, pregnancy & the first year of motherhood. I am a featured contributor in this course brought to you by Conscious Motherhood.

The Ultimate Parenting Course will be available November 15, 2011. A cadre of the best of today’s progressive parenting experts come together in this transformational 8-week home study course for parents of children birth to 7 years. Email me at [email protected] for pre-order.

The L.O.V.E. Parenting Birthkit has helped women have a transformational and empowering birth. Written exercises, audio & private coaching. Amazing for first or second pregnancy.

Sign Up for my E-Zine! Email: [email protected]

Like me on Facebook L.O.V.E. Parenting and Follow on Twitter @LoveParenting

Private Coaching Session! Phone or Los Angeles office. www.LoveParentingLA.com

“Truly amazing woman. I love her advice.”—Carrie-Anne Moss

“All you have shared has helped tremendously.”—Lisa Bonet

“I am experiencing nothing short of a miracle thanks to your laser beam approach.” –Andrea Bendewald

 

LPLOGO.jpg

 
JessicaWilliams is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off