DD showing aggressive behaviour - Please help! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 10-05-2011, 02:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,

my problem is, that my DD, who is 5, is showing more and more aggressive behaviour, she is hitting, pushing, bossy with other kids, as much that her friends don´t want to play with her anymore. She has outbursts if thinks don´t work out her way or if something happened that she did not like, for example if someone opened here pudding for her, but she wanted to do it in "a special way".

 

There is a lot going on in our life at the minute, she had to change her childcare center and is missing her friends there, but appears to be overall quite allright with the new one, too. It´s only half days now, compared to full days before.

 

I am pregnant and quite ill, on bedrest and in general not very patient due to pain and discomfort (I try very hard), there is someone coming in the afternoons to care for the kids at home. Due to my not being very well, my DH and I fight quite a bit, which obviously needs to stop. easier said than done though. He is making a lot over hours at the moment, that does not help.

 

there are no grandparents around, who could cover anything.

 

I think I know where the behaviour comes from, and that she probably needs positive attention, more than she gets right now. I have no idea how to give it to her though.

 

I have read "How to raise your spirited child" and am working with this as well.

 

Please give suggestions, I am really sad that my little girl is not getting her needs met!

 

Thanks,

Trin


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#2 of 9 Old 10-05-2011, 04:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Triniity View Post

She has outbursts if thinks don´t work out her way or if something happened that she did not like, for example if someone opened here pudding for her, but she wanted to do it in "a special way".

 

This sounds like my DD but for her it's OCD... worth looking into.

 

You sound like you have a lot on your plate and you're not getting the support and help that YOU need and deserve.  I hope things get better for YOU and your DD.

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#3 of 9 Old 10-05-2011, 05:32 AM
 
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This happened to a neighbor when she changed childcare, her dad lost his job and was job hunting, and her mom was pregnant all at the same time. In fact she specifically told my dd she wanted to be a bully and wanted my dd, who is very tall, to help her and be an enforcer, which is how I got a lot of information about it.

IMO this potentially comes from a lack of a feeling of control over her life. To some extent she'll have to get past it with time, but there needs to be some damage control so other kids aren't hurt over it. Like maybe she won't be able to play with other kids until there's enough supervision to make sure she's able to be nice (or someone is there to immediately step in when she isn't being nice), for instance. Also, giving her control where she can have it might help to some extent, but losing control of such huge areas of her life has got to be hard for her.

For our neighbor, it took a really long time for her to get past it, I'm afraid to say. Her parents are spankers and it's possible that getting hit so frequently (since she got hit whenever she got aggressive, so she had aggression modeled to her regularly) made it stick around longer, but I'm not sure. I think it wasn't until the baby was about 2 years old that she was playing well with other kids again though. The good thing is that she did outgrow it. My thought is that responding to it gently and compassionately might help to get her to become more gentle and compassionate faster, but this isn't a problem I've faced in my house at this point (we'll see when the younger one gets older) so I'm not speaking from a place of experience.

Good luck and hugs to you and your dd!
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#4 of 9 Old 10-05-2011, 06:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OMG TWO YEARS?

I am going to cry now.

 

We do not spank (otherwise I would probably not be here :) ), we do not hit, we do not shame. I try not to yell... but ... I am working on it blush.gif

 

so your neighbour´s kid, did she outgrow it on her own? Or did they help her in any way?

 

@moonlessnight: Thanx. It can be hard, not to able to fulfill the needs of your loved ones, but you really can´t if your own are not met...


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#5 of 9 Old 10-05-2011, 06:27 AM
 
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DD had a rough transition to kindergarten which I didn't expect, since she had been in daycare or preschool for some time with no issues. Someone here gave me the good advice as to looking at what had changed.  So, her environment is new--is it more kids, is the schedule different? DD's Kindy had a lot less supervision--she went from 12 kids and 2 teachers to 24 kids and one teacher.  Do they have the same food/snack schedule as her old school?  Not having a morning snack was a huge issue for my daughter.  Also, new kids, new teacher, it sounds hugely stressful. The rules are probably the same, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to spell them out. I put a poster sized piece of paper on my DD's door that says

 

I only use kind words

I keep my hands to myself

I get the teacher if I have a problem

 

And we read it each morning before school.  It helps, I don't know if it's because it reinforces the rules or because she likes the routine and attention, but...it helps.

 

Another good book for overall coping/stragegies is Your Explosive Child.  It basically helps you be empathetic, and help your child work through outbursts to get to a place where they have better coping skills. I  highly, highly recommend it.  It changed our lives here.  DD was great 95% of the time, but the 5% when she would melt down and not stop was really upsetting to everyone.

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#6 of 9 Old 10-05-2011, 06:37 AM
 
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At 5, my dd went through a similar "phase", for lack of a better word. What changed it? The adults in the house (me & dh) had to own up to our part of the problem and make some changes. What stuck out in your post to me, was that you and your dh are fighting. So were dh & I. Once we worked to resolve our problems and deal with them in a healthier way (read: stopping fighting/anger in front of kids), dd's issues also resolved themselves. I really have come to believe that parental stress effects our kids more than we sometimes think, and, that home needs to be a place our children can feel safe.
Although, you're having a really tough time right now, can you and your dh work on communicating in a more positive way? I hope things get better for you and your family soon.
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#7 of 9 Old 10-05-2011, 06:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My DH and I have ongoing issues, but we try. I am a bit bitchy at the moment, though, that doesn´t help at all, and I get REALLY upset about totally unimportant stuff, like the way the pesto is mixed with the pasta and stuff. I am feeling quite raw. I already talked with DH, and we both agreed, that the fighting has to stop. It makes me upset and I sometimes cry than, and that makes the kids upset. We just have to stop that. 

 

Madskye, it is actually a much smaller facility, in fact, the number of kids at the whole center is the same as the number of kids in DD´s old group. Same number of teachers. Sometimes I think she misses the constant stimulation. I must admit, that we had her in the childcare center, together with her brother, for quite sometime. Sometimes more than 10 hours, mostly 8 - 9 hours. It was a huuuuge part of her life, and I guess it is quite normal, that she is grieving about loosing them all. 

She has no sign of aggressive behavior at the center. Very inquisitive, they say, but no aggression. A quite peaceful child headscratch.gif

 

I´ll totally try the explosive child. 


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#8 of 9 Old 10-05-2011, 12:06 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Triniity View Post

OMG TWO YEARS?

I am going to cry now.

 

We do not spank (otherwise I would probably not be here :) ), we do not hit, we do not shame. I try not to yell... but ... I am working on it blush.gif

 

so your neighbour´s kid, did she outgrow it on her own? Or did they help her in any way?

 

@moonlessnight: Thanx. It can be hard, not to able to fulfill the needs of your loved ones, but you really can´t if your own are not met...


She eventually outgrew it on her own. They didn't help, and in fact IMO I think the way they responded (spanking and screaming) probably made her feel even more out of control and could have made it take longer than it would otherwise take. I hope it goes better for you!
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#9 of 9 Old 10-06-2011, 05:51 AM
 
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Maybe she is bored a bit, too, then.  And maybe you can look at ways to make your schedule at home more comfy for her-if she was having a snack every two hours at school, try to mirrror that schedule.  Food is really important with my DD, and she's not great at articulating when she's hungry.   

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