Does anyone else feel sad on their DC's birthday? (X-Posted in Homebirth) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 10-18-2011, 10:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm wondering if this is at all common, or just a very special thing I go through. It seems like every year on my DS's birthday (today, by the way) I feel sad. I'm not joyful like I think I should be remembering his birth, remembering his baby-hood.

 

Both of my children (DS is 4 and DD is 20 mo) were born at home, and I had what would be considered successful homebirths. No complications.

 

His birth was pretty grueling for me physically and emotionally, but we got through it and here we are 4 years later. You would think that would be reason to celebrate.

 

I think some of this is related to the PPD I had with him, I think some of it is related to the difficult relationship my DP and I had at the time. I just want to understand why I'm feeling this way, and accept it if I need to, but be able to move on if possible.

 

Can anyone commiserate? Homebirth is such an amazing life-changing experience. I wonder if anyone else goes through this annual sadness.


SAHM with amazing DP, brilliant DS (10/18/07) and sweet-as-pie DD (1/26/10). We are extended BF, bedsharing, babywearing, CD, novax, no circ, UP, simple living and happy to be here!
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#2 of 4 Old 10-18-2011, 10:59 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lairaja View Post

 

Can anyone commiserate? Homebirth is such an amazing life-changing experience. I wonder if anyone else goes through this annual sadness.



I didn't have a homebirth, but since since you x-posted this in Childhood Years, I'll respond. I feel a huge mix of emotions on my LO's birthday, including grief, so you're not alone in that experience.

 

Giving birth is a life-changing experience, no matter where or how it happens. It's a transformation on many levels--physical, spiritual, inter-personal--and I would say that for many of us it takes awhile to really wrap our heads around that transformation. I also think that our culture doesn't support mothers in having complex, multifaceted journeys into motherhood. We're just supposed to seamlessly adjust to life as a mother and our complex emotions are too often considered "neurotic."

 

Here's where I think my sadness around DD's birthday comes from:

--Remembering & processing the traumatic aspects of her birth. And the difficulty of my first year with her, as I battled a breast infection, dealt with crippling sleep deprivation, etc. It just wasn't a very happy time for me, even though I really wanted to be a mom, had worked very hard to get there, and loved my DD like crazy.

--Remembering myself before I became a mom & grieving the parts of myself that are dormant now that I'm a parent.

--Giving birth somehow awakened in me a heightened awareness of death, and that comes up for me from time to time. It's not necessarily a bad thing...just an awareness that by bringing another life into the world, I also brought another death, and feeling some fear and pain around that.

 

Also, any big change can evoke sadness. Transformation is powerful & painful, and becoming a mom is quite a huge transformation. Sadness that comes and goes is part of life, when we're fully human that's just part of the ride.

 

If your sadness is persistent, seems unshakeable, and is interfering with your ability to get through the day, it might be something more serious, and that's worth checking out. But some annual sadness around your DS's birth doesn't seem abnormal to me. Let it flow. Emotions are like the weather...they keep changing.

 

Peace to you.


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#3 of 4 Old 10-18-2011, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, CI Mama, thank you thank you so much for your reply. I'm crying, so apparently this was something I needed to hear! Especially...

 

 

Quote:
I also think that our culture doesn't support mothers in having complex, multifaceted journeys into motherhood. We're just supposed to seamlessly adjust to life as a mother and our complex emotions are too often considered "neurotic."

I guess I think I should be past this stuff "by now" but I know there are a lot of issues to still be discussed and worked through surrounding my DS's early life. We're seeing the repercussions of the turmoil and arguments of that first couple of years now, I think.

 

I'm thinking today about doing some sort of therapy work around this. I would like to acknowledge/accept/release.

 

Thanks for your words, and thank you for listening!

Laira 


SAHM with amazing DP, brilliant DS (10/18/07) and sweet-as-pie DD (1/26/10). We are extended BF, bedsharing, babywearing, CD, novax, no circ, UP, simple living and happy to be here!
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#4 of 4 Old 10-18-2011, 11:30 AM
 
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Big hugs to you, mama!!! Yes, by all means, seek help in your journey of acceptance/release. I did dance therapy for awhile during DD's first year, and it was AWESOME. Not least of which because it was 1.5 hours during the week when I got to focus entirely on ME and be completely and unconditionally supported. It felt so great!!!

 

I'd love to hear more about your journey, if you'd like to keep sharing!!!

 

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Living in Wisconsin with my partner of 20+ years and our DDenergy.gif(Born 10/09/08 ribboncesarean.gif). Why CI Mama? Because I love contact improvisation!

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