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#1 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 10:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Please don't hate...
 

 

I hid my daughter's blanket. She hasn't slept without blanket since she was like 8 months old, or even earlier, probably, and she is now 4 years 6 months on Saturday. I'm feeling REALLY REALLY REALLY bad about this. But, last night was the 2nd night without it, and so far she has handled it amazingly well. We "looked" for it the first night. Couldn't "find" it, so she settled on one of my scarfs and a little baby lovey soft thing, both which she gave up once in bed, and opted for another blanket of mine. In the morning, we "looked" for it again, as I'd promised we would, and didn't "find" it. She went all day without it...Didn't ask for it, and didn't seem to need it, actually...which I found shocking, since she relies on it for everything. Last night she mentioned wanting it for bed, but settled for the same blanket of mine again. This morning she hasn't talked about it at all..

What led me to this is that she only ever wants blanket. This has been going on for a long time. Not a month, or a few months. Not a year...It's been a couple years, or so, and it's only gotten worse. I have only ever been accepting of this very serious attachment she has with it. She doesn't want anyone to touch her. She just wants blanket. She has only recently started actually holding her little brother, with her bare hands. For months she would only let him touch her if blanket was between them. At night, when it's time to cuddle, she doesn't actually want me to touch her. Just wrap her in blanket and then lay next to her. She pulls away in her sleep, when I try to cuddle with her. I don't force myself on her, by any means, so that is not what is going on. I try to give her hugs, when she is happy and when she is sad. She pushes away when happy, and completely flips out if I try to touch her when she is sad. She doesn't want to be touched. For a long time I thought it was a sensory thing, but that's not it. When she gets upset, she will not let me hold her, or touch her, and instead cuddles with blanket. Well, from everything I have read, she needs physical touch to help let go of her fears/sadness/anger. She will not let me hold her or touch her or even be near her, as long as blanket is there...So I did it...

I hid it, and in the last day and a half since she hasn't had it, she has let me hug her, hold her when she gets hurt, hold her hand, and cuddle with her at night. She hasn't shown any bit of anxiety about not having it, and she is obvious about her anxieties. She rubs her lip when she's feeling uncertain or uneasy, and if anything I would say that this habit has started to dwindle too.

I feel like from what I've noticed in the last day that I have done the right thing. But I am feeling REALLY guilty about this. I am not the kind of person that would be sneaky like this. We talk about everything. When it's time to go through old clothes, she helps me. I don't get rid of toys, and never have, even since she was barely talking, without her sitting there helping me decide which we should put in the keep pile, which we should get rid of, and which should be kept but put up. So just going and hiding it was/is completely foreign to the way I go about my parenting.

 

I haven't told my husband about this. I think he might have noticed, but he isn't home much. I am feeling like I committed this huge crime, lol. But seriously, I do feel like that.. Do you think I've done the right thing. Do you think there was a better way to go about this?

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#2 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 10:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Awe, it says I'm new...I thought if I logged in with my facebook, it would connect with my other account. I've actually been around awhile.

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#3 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 10:46 AM
 
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I look at this from the point-of-view of someone who had a beloved comfort object that was taken away. I was 5, and my grandmother thought it was time for me to get rid of my "blankie". I was in kindergarten, and my parents didn't allow me to take it with me to a lot of places anymore, but I slept with it, I comforted myself with it when I was sad, I carried it everywhere with me when I was home. It was mine, I loved it, there was no reason at all for it to be take away from me. My grandmother did not understand that, and one night, when I slept over at her house, my blanket "disappeared". I went to sleep with it, woke up the next morning without it, never saw it again. I am darn near 36 years old now, and I have NEVER forgotten what that felt like. I cried for my blanket for days, I was absolutely devastated, and as much as I adored my grandmother, I never totally forgave her for doing that to me. I am glad your daughter seems to be taking her loss better than I did, I hope that trend continues, but I couldn't read this post and not reply. 


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#4 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 12:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your reply. I was thinking about this after I posted and as we were playing. If she would have gotten very upset, I would have made sure we "found" it.

I'm worried that what might happen is what you describe. But, so far, she seems to be doing great. She even got mad earlier at the baby for crying, and when I asked her not to yell at him, she actually stopped, said she was sorry, and finished my sentence when I said, "I know you don't like hearing him cry..." with "but, we don't yell at people when we're mad". I'm really astonished with the changes that she has made in the last almost 2 days. Normally she would get mad at me and go get blanket and hide in her room.

I don't want to deprive her of her special blanket. I have no problem with loveys, and being attached to an object. I just feel like in our situation, the blanket was getting in the way of me helping her with her emotions, because she uses it as a way to shield things...if that makes sense.

I hope I am not coming across as defensive. I am sorry that your grandmother took your blanket away. I feel like a hypocrite by saying it wasn't right of her, while I'm over hear doing the same thing, pretty much. I don't want to take her blanket away, and I'm hoping that maybe we can get a handle on her behavior, then find it.

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Originally Posted by 4midablemama View Post

I look at this from the point-of-view of someone who had a beloved comfort object that was taken away. I was 5, and my grandmother thought it was time for me to get rid of my "blankie". I was in kindergarten, and my parents didn't allow me to take it with me to a lot of places anymore, but I slept with it, I comforted myself with it when I was sad, I carried it everywhere with me when I was home. It was mine, I loved it, there was no reason at all for it to be take away from me. My grandmother did not understand that, and one night, when I slept over at her house, my blanket "disappeared". I went to sleep with it, woke up the next morning without it, never saw it again. I am darn near 36 years old now, and I have NEVER forgotten what that felt like. I cried for my blanket for days, I was absolutely devastated, and as much as I adored my grandmother, I never totally forgave her for doing that to me. I am glad your daughter seems to be taking her loss better than I did, I hope that trend continues, but I couldn't read this post and not reply. 



 

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#5 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 01:29 PM
 
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At 38 years old I still have my beloved blankie safely stashed in a small pillowcase under my pillow. I would have simply been devastated if someone took it away from me. If it really is a problem for you why not tell her that it must stay in her bed unless extenuating circumstances such as a long trip away from home or an injury. Honestly, I can promise that allowing her to keep it will not damage her in the long run.
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#6 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 01:57 PM
 
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I can see your dilemma, I really can, and I thought about it a lot before I posted my experience. It sounds like your reasons for removing the blanket are sound, and I hope that your daughter's behavior keeps getting better. I think that I would probably be worried, too, if one of my kids reacted to things by turning to a lovey and pushing me away. It might be worth talking to a counselor who specializes in children to make sure that there aren't other things going on with your daughter that would cause her to be so intensely attached to an object rather than the people around her.  


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#7 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 02:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post

At 38 years old I still have my beloved blankie safely stashed in a small pillowcase under my pillow. I would have simply been devastated if someone took it away from me. If it really is a problem for you why not tell her that it must stay in her bed unless extenuating circumstances such as a long trip away from home or an injury. Honestly, I can promise that allowing her to keep it will not damage her in the long run.


That's an oxymoron. 

 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 

 

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#8 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 02:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post


That's an oxymoron

 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 

 


To quote Princess Bride, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." ;)

 

Anyway, I think it's fine for kids to have loveys. My great-grandma Button always said, "Why say no if it doesn't matter?" If it were me, I think I'd try to work on her emotions with her without removing the blanket. Much like weaning from breastfeeding- offer alternatives, and let her move away from it at her own pace. But it's not my daughter, and it seems like it's going well. Still, it doesn't seem like it's sitting completely well with you either, OP. Maybe you should do some deep thinking about why you took it away, why you feel badly about it, and what it would mean to bring it back and try another way. Maybe you'll stick with your decision, or maybe not. Just an idea.

 


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#9 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 02:28 PM
 
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That's an oxymoron

 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 

 


Are you saying that the fact that a grown woman keeps her childhood blanket makes her damaged?

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#10 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 02:37 PM
 
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41 year old woman here.  I still have pieces of my blankie and my thumb slips into my mouth from time to time.  I'm entirely unconcerned about it.

 

I have not read the OP's whole entry because my toddler's on the loose and I'm trying to fix supper, so I hope I don't regret saying this, but my thought is as follows:  nobody's ever too old for a comfort object.  Smokers smoke, foodies eat, drinkers drink, runners run...we all have our methods of self-soothing, and I think a blanket's a pretty innocuous one.

 

I understand OP's point, I think (I scanned very quickly)--that the blankie was used to the exclusion of loving parents.  That would suck and hurt my feelings as a parent, for sure.

 

I can't say what the right thing to do for the poster is.  She knows the situation and her child.

 

However, for me, the blankie was pretty great and important to my security for a very, very long time.


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#11 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 02:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 4midablemama View Post

I can see your dilemma, I really can, and I thought about it a lot before I posted my experience. It sounds like your reasons for removing the blanket are sound, and I hope that your daughter's behavior keeps getting better. I think that I would probably be worried, too, if one of my kids reacted to things by turning to a lovey and pushing me away. It might be worth talking to a counselor who specializes in children to make sure that there aren't other things going on with your daughter that would cause her to be so intensely attached to an object rather than the people around her.  


I agree with this.


It sounds like you took the blanket away not because you were concerned about her having a lovey, but because there seemed to be something about her attachment to the lovey that was interfering with her ability to attach to people. Her change in behavior since the blanket disappeared seems to reinforce that notion. It does seem worth talking to an "expert" (perhaps one of MDC's experts?) to see if this is a typical pattern or cause for concern.

 

You sound like a very thoughtful and concerned parent who's trying to help your daughter be healthy. That's very different than arbitrarily taking away her lovey because you've decided it's time to be "done."

 


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#12 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 04:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Exactly what's in this quote. We've tried weaning from it, and only having it at bed time/certain times. I have tried to have her hold on to part of her blanket while I hold her, so that we can talk. It just hasn't worked. Granted, she has always been like me...and all or nothing kind of person, so this makes sense.

Thank you for the comments everyone. I feel bad because I know how much she loves her blanket. I have tried this a couple other times. Once after she was using it to hit us (didn't hurt, of course). I told her we needed to put it up, since she wouldn't stop hitting us with it. Not as a punishment, but because she was using it as a weapon, even if it was a soft one. Another time when we accidentally left it in the car. I just asked my husband to leave it there, which ended up working since he wasn't home before bed for a couple nights, and it was rough, and she really missed it. That is why I am so surprised that she isn't having more of a problem with this. But that's why I feel like maybe this was the right timing, and that even though it doesn't feel right, it will be ok.

It really was so hard with her blanket, because as long as it was in the other room, waiting for bedtime, she would be able to get it whenever she needed to. Breaking the "only at bedtime" "rule", but I can't just take it from her and say "no blanket, you HAVE to let me help you. It's either me or nothing...", you know? With blanket "missing", she is having to make that decision on her own, not with me forcing the dilemma on her...does that make sense?

She co-sleeps, and I am home all day with her, every day. In the last couple of days she has been so open to my affection, where she never really has. Usually when she is sad, or angry, or upset, or frustrated, she just wants her blanket, and completely shuts me out.

I am definitely not against loveys. I am trying to aid my son in finding one. It's proving to be much more difficult that it was with my daughter ;) I think they are great. It helps when we have to leave her for a time with someone so we can go out (though I can't remember the last time THAT happened, lol). It helps when we are in the car, and I can't be there for her. But in the last year or two, I have noticed a huge change. I posted on another board, on cafemom, about this issue about a year and a half, and they said to just let it go, and be supportive, and she'll come around, but the opposite has happened.

Thank you all for being understanding, or at least trying to understand. If it was just the fact that she had a lovey, I would not have cared one bit. I sucked my thumb until 5th grade, when I decided to stop...So I see no problem with comfort objects. ;)

 

Originally Posted by CI Mama View Post


I agree with this.


It sounds like you took the blanket away not because you were concerned about her having a lovey, but because there seemed to be something about her attachment to the lovey that was interfering with her ability to attach to people. Her change in behavior since the blanket disappeared seems to reinforce that notion. It does seem worth talking to an "expert" (perhaps one of MDC's experts?) to see if this is a typical pattern or cause for concern.

 

You sound like a very thoughtful and concerned parent who's trying to help your daughter be healthy. That's very different than arbitrarily taking away her lovey because you've decided it's time to be "done."

 



 

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#13 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 05:20 PM
 
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You hid it but didn't throw it away.  Has she asked for it?  I think if she asks for it you might need to give it to her.  Otherwise if she's doing fine I don't think it's that terrible

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#14 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 10:12 PM
 
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I don't understand why YOU need to be your daughter's method of soothing.  If she's found something that allows her to self-sooth, why take it from her?  This sounds more about your need to feel important to her, and that's unfair.  Not everyone needs or wants the same level of touch/cuddling/snuggling.  If someone just randomly decided that bedtime is time to cuddle and I like a little more space, that doesn't make them right and me wrong.  There's nothing wrong with needing space when you need to calm down or wanting to sleep without someone touching you. 

 

Perhaps I am missing something, but I think you should let the kid have her blanket and be herself.  People who aren't needy for touch are not broken. 

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#15 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 10:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post

I don't understand why YOU need to be your daughter's method of soothing.  If she's found something that allows her to self-sooth, why take it from her?  This sounds more about your need to feel important to her, and that's unfair.  Not everyone needs or wants the same level of touch/cuddling/snuggling.  If someone just randomly decided that bedtime is time to cuddle and I like a little more space, that doesn't make them right and me wrong.  There's nothing wrong with needing space when you need to calm down or wanting to sleep without someone touching you. 

 

Perhaps I am missing something, but I think you should let the kid have her blanket and be herself.  People who aren't needy for touch are not broken. 


I think the OP explained this. Her DD was using the blanket almost as a crutch instead of interacting with real people. I admit that at first I was like "oh no you didn't" to the OP but after reading her explanations, it sounds like she made a very difficult decision that is bearing fruit. She sounds mindful and like she's prepared to change course if things go awry. I didn't get that it's all about the OP needing to cuddle with her daughter...

 


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#16 of 31 Old 12-01-2011, 11:10 PM
 
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OP I see what your saying. It does not sound like a healthy attachment from what you are saying. I would seek professional advice just to check in and see if anything else is going on. You are trying to do what's best for her. That couldn't be more evident.

 

As for the blanket, After seeking some help I would defiantly hold on to it and maybe eventually 'find' it when she seems to have a healthier attachment to people.

 

As for me I still have my 'Monster' which I slept with every night as a child, even brought to college. It is currently sitting in the basement warding away any mice or bad monsters from my house. love.gif

 

I don't 'need' monster, but I would still be very sad and upset if something were to happen to him.


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#17 of 31 Old 12-02-2011, 07:45 AM
 
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Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post

I don't understand why YOU need to be your daughter's method of soothing.  If she's found something that allows her to self-sooth, why take it from her?  This sounds more about your need to feel important to her, and that's unfair.  Not everyone needs or wants the same level of touch/cuddling/snuggling.  If someone just randomly decided that bedtime is time to cuddle and I like a little more space, that doesn't make them right and me wrong.  There's nothing wrong with needing space when you need to calm down or wanting to sleep without someone touching you. 

 

Perhaps I am missing something, but I think you should let the kid have her blanket and be herself.  People who aren't needy for touch are not broken. 

 

 

I think there is a difference between being not being "needy" for touch and going through extraordinary (for a child) measures to avoid ANY skin to skin contact. I think it is important to understand the "why" though because it isn't typical behavior for a child that age--when my son was behaving in a similar way he was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD/SPD/Asperger's; though he still doesn't enjoy as much physical contact as younger dd, he isn't actively avoiding it and initiates it a lot.
 

 


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#18 of 31 Old 12-03-2011, 12:09 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

You hid it but didn't throw it away.  Has she asked for it?  I think if she asks for it you might need to give it to her.  Otherwise if she's doing fine I don't think it's that terrible

yeahthat.gif  It sounds like now that it's gone she doesn't seem to care.  If everyone is happy I see no issue.


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#19 of 31 Old 12-03-2011, 04:08 PM
 
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yeahthat.gif  It sounds like now that it's gone she doesn't seem to care.  If everyone is happy I see no issue.

see that's the problem. some children like mine would put on a 'face' so others dont know how sad she is. she like my bro is a pro at hiding their feelings.

 

i dont know. i am v. conflicted about this. i have never done anything like this dramatic with my dd. she is v. sensitive emotionally and i have slowly built and done things with her so the 'shock' is not there. unless i didnt have a choice. 

 

it has been hard to work with her because if she knows its a big issue for me - she will hide it even from me. 

 

like she told me at 4 'ma just because i no longer cry when you drop me off at dc, doesnt mean i am ok with it. i am still really, really sad but i know you cant do anything about it so i have stopped crying so u dont feel hurt."

 

i can understand your action though mama. seeing how she was pushing others away. honestly i trust your decision that you know intuitively what is right for your child. it may not be right for mine, but i hope it is right for yours. 

 

i am assuming she has anxiety? has she been getting more stomach aches and headaches that mysteriously suddenly disappear and that is never affected by diet or water or pills? these were how i knew my dd was stressed. or other signs of anxiety that is unique to ur dd.


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#20 of 31 Old 12-03-2011, 06:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Emmeline II View Post

 

 

I think there is a difference between being not being "needy" for touch and going through extraordinary (for a child) measures to avoid ANY skin to skin contact. I think it is important to understand the "why" though because it isn't typical behavior for a child that age--when my son was behaving in a similar way he was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD/SPD/Asperger's; though he still doesn't enjoy as much physical contact as younger dd, he isn't actively avoiding it and initiates it a lot.
 

 



It sounds like she's found a way to cope and self-sooth.  It works for her.  I'm not sure why it's not ok.  Some people are just not big on touch and there's nothing wrong with them, that's just how they are.

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#21 of 31 Old 12-04-2011, 10:43 AM
 
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Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post



It sounds like she's found a way to cope and self-sooth.  It works for her.  I'm not sure why it's not ok.  Some people are just not big on touch and there's nothing wrong with them, that's just how they are.



I think this is true ("there's nothing wrong with them") if you are talking about an older kid or adult who has skills at receiving comfort from a variety of options, blankey, touch, self-talk, play, other. But in this case, the OP described a young child who had settled into one and only one comfort mode, and the mama saw that this would not continue to serve her child, nor allow her to develop other connections.

 

OP, I think you're doing great, and you could perhaps go back and edit out of your mind all the apologies and self-criticism in your post. You've watched for but not seen any significant adjustment issues, and you know your daughter is different from meemee's child who can "put on a face." It sounds to me like you finally found the right moment to help her make this change, and congratulations to you for not forcing it on her earlier when you judged she wasn't ready. It also sounds like you're a mama who keeps an eye out, and you'll notice if there's something unbalanced that comes up later. I see nothing awful, mean, wrong, unkind, ungenerous, or self-serving in what you've said here. I just see a mama who is paying attention! Good job.


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#22 of 31 Old 12-04-2011, 11:16 AM
 
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This is way rude. dizzy.gif

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Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post



That's an oxymoron. 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 


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#23 of 31 Old 12-04-2011, 11:36 PM
 
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if it's disappeared before, and then reappeared, the daughter is probably expecting the same thing to happen.

 

 

OP: are you figuring on giving it back to her at any point soon? or what will you do with it, ultimately? what's your plan?

 

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#24 of 31 Old 12-05-2011, 12:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post



It sounds like she's found a way to cope and self-sooth.  It works for her.  I'm not sure why it's not ok.  Some people are just not big on touch and there's nothing wrong with them, that's just how they are.



I think there is a big difference between not being into touch and avoiding all forms of touch.  Sometimes people, whether adults or children, find ways to self sooth that work but that aren't actually emotionally healthy in the long run.  It sounds like the OP, who lives with the child and has known her all her life, has noticed that this attachment isn't one that is fostering emotional health and she is trying to thoughtfully help her child find other ways to sooth herself which may involve connecting with some of the people in her family.

 

OP, I agree with the posters who suggested going in for a screening.  The level of touch avoidance and obsessive attachment to just the one object seem very extreme for a young child.  I also want to say that I had a blanket as a child that I remember my mother putting up for when I had a child and it really didn't bother me that much, it definitely hasn't effected me for the long term.  Some people do reach an age when they are able to let go of an attachment to an object without serious emotional damage and it sounds like you have reached that point with your dd.

 

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#25 of 31 Old 12-05-2011, 12:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone, and thanks for all the input. She hasn't asked for it, but has mentioned it maybe flying away, :P. I just said that we've been doing a lot of cleaning and reorganizing lately, so it's probably just lost for now, but we'll surely find it soon, if not when we move. That was enough for her. So she knows it's in the house.

I am keeping it. I would never get rid of it. The thought never even crossed my mind. The only thing I'm unsure she is when to introduce it back. She has shown amazing progress in the last week or so without it. She is still not as "touchy" as the next kid, but neither is her dad, and I'm sure that's just her personality. The problem, which I noticed others picked up on, was that she was adamantly against touch of any kind. I was very worried for awhile that it was a sensory thing, but we found that this wasn't the case. She just couldn't stand anyone touching her, at all. I don't feel any need to have me be her "lovey", I get enough touch from my 8 month old who I lovingly call my little "koala bear", because he is ALWAYS attached to me. (And as a side note, this behavior of my daughters wasn't brought on by the baby, but it did get worse when she saw how much he gets held, which says to me that she does in fact want to be held, touched...)

As far as it disappearing before, and thinking it will come back. It didn't necessarily "disappear". It was left in the car on one occasion, but quickly brought back inside when we realized she needed it. And the only other occasion was when she was hitting us with it, in which case I wasn't going to allow her to hit us with it anymore, so it was put on the counter, not in a box in the shed...

 

Anyway, yes she will get it back, as I have mentioned before. I'm not punishing her, and I'm allowing her space, and also not forcing myself on her. If she's sad I ask if she'd like a hug. Before, it was an adamant "NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED! I WANT BLANKET!", whereas now she may stomp off and take a breather, but is back in less than 2-3 minutes, tops, and ready to say sorry, hug if she wants, pat her brother's hand lovingly, etc..

 

This was a difficult decision for me to make, even though it was fairly spontaneous. I put it up mid-day, and she was unaware that it went missing until night time, so I had time to change my mind. I could have woke up in the middle of the night and put it under a toy or in a cabinet, and played it off, but I was watching her cues and seeing how it was affecting her.

I don't know if I would say she has anxiety. She does feel and experience things on a deeper level, I know that. She rubs her lip with the back of her painted fingernail frequently, but so do I, and I can't think of anything I really have to worry about, so it may just be a funny habit. I do it because it's really soft. I did it with my moms nails when I was growing up, too, now that I think of it, so it may not be so much of an anxiety thing. She's never complained of stomachache, or headaches, or anything like that..

 

I thank everyone for their feedback, even the negative kind. It has helped me question what I'm doing to make sure that I am doing the right thing by her. I talked with my husband about it, and he didn't realize what I was doing. He thought it got dirty and was waiting to be washed or something. I find that funny, because even when that thing was filthy, she needed to have it, or things weren't pretty, lol...So it got washed very quickly when it really needed it... But, anyway, he said he did notice she was behaving better, and that she wasn't as hesitant to being touched.

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#26 of 31 Old 12-14-2011, 07:46 AM
 
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I didn't read all the replies but I really wanted to respond. I'm 22 and still have what's left of my baby blankets in my pillowcase. They will always be with me until there's nothing left. I'm so glad no one ever took them away from me. My whole family picked on me constantly and asked when I would finally get rid of them but I just ignored it. My son is 22 months and since he was about 8 months or so, he's been super attached to this bear/blanket thing. Of course it's always dirty looking (even though I wash it often) and I don't want to cuddle it against my face, I wouldn't dream of taking it away from him. He loves it and it makes him feel secure and comforted, why take it? My mil and her mother were recently talking about how they took my bil's blanket away at like 1 or 2 (I forget which) and how he was so upset about it but eventually forgot about it. I told them I still have my blankets and that I have no intention of taking my son's bear away from him. What's it hurting? He'll eventually decide he doesn't need to carry if every place he goes on his own time. I have very different views from my very harsh mil and I love rubbing my opposing views in her face because there's not a damn thing she can do about it. Ah winky.gif


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#27 of 31 Old 12-14-2011, 09:06 AM
 
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I think that's incredibly cruel.  Yes, she might seem fine now, but you have no idea what's going on inside her.

 

My youngest son has a blankie.  I made it before he was born and he's had it since.  He's now 5 1/2.  He would be devastated if his blankie disappeared, understandably.  I started setting limits on it when he was younger and he's had to keep it in the house or car since he was probably 2.  Now he uses it to sleep with and brings it out with him in the mornings while he's laying on the couch waking up.  It sounds like your child's attachment is much stronger and I can't even imagine how much she's probably hurting inside.  And you're lying to her. 

 

I'm 31 and have my old blankie still.  No I don't carry it around with me or sleep with it but I'm very happy it's still preserved for me.  Whether that's damaged me or not, I don't really care.

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#28 of 31 Old 12-14-2011, 09:55 AM
 
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I'm sure the OP knows her child better than we do...

Sometimes the least selfish thing we do as parents is say "no" or give up something in the short-term for a long-term gain for our kids. It seems like this is one of those situations.

Good job, OP. You sound sensitive and caring and I'm glad this is working out so far.
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#29 of 31 Old 12-14-2011, 10:26 AM
 
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It sounds, OP, like your kid was developing a coping habit that allowed her to avoid responsiblity and consequence rather than touch per se.

 

She was retreating into the comfort of the blankie rather than face her actions or choices...THAT is a dangerous habit, and if removing access to the blanket is the best way to get her to do that I think it is okay, but perhaps dishonest of you to do so in this way.

 

Why not limit access to the blanket to moments of self-soothing rather than remove all access at all times?  My son retreats into playing with his tracks for similar reasons, it is a world of escape for him but we have just laid down rules that we can escape when it is the time to escape, but when it is the time to face the ugly and do some spiritual cleaning up, we leave the tracks alone and get to the business of facing our choices and consequences.

 

I haven't disappeared his tracks, I simply put them up in that moment so that he understands that it isn't the self-soothing that is bad it is the vice-like treatment of the tracks as an avoidance technique when things get hard...sometimes life is hard and we need to face that to grow up.

 

I don't know if it makes sense...but rather than lie (and I am not prefect, I have lied about stuff too to avoid conflict, but I don't think it's the best thing in the long run), it might be better, and address the long term root of the issue better if you deal honestly with the situation.

 

Just a thought.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4midablemama View Post

I look at this from the point-of-view of someone who had a beloved comfort object that was taken away. I was 5, and my grandmother thought it was time for me to get rid of my "blankie". I was in kindergarten, and my parents didn't allow me to take it with me to a lot of places anymore, but I slept with it, I comforted myself with it when I was sad, I carried it everywhere with me when I was home. It was mine, I loved it, there was no reason at all for it to be take away from me. My grandmother did not understand that, and one night, when I slept over at her house, my blanket "disappeared". I went to sleep with it, woke up the next morning without it, never saw it again. I am darn near 36 years old now, and I have NEVER forgotten what that felt like. I cried for my blanket for days, I was absolutely devastated, and as much as I adored my grandmother, I never totally forgave her for doing that to me. I am glad your daughter seems to be taking her loss better than I did, I hope that trend continues, but I couldn't read this post and not reply. 


Me too.  My dad took away my bear, and just after the separation of my parents...yes he was a germ ridden disgusting grey blob of gross, but he was my germ ridden disgusting grey blob of gross, and my best friend.  I would sooner die than ever take away my son's own germ ridden disgusting grey blob of gross.
 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post


That's an oxymoron. 

 

I agree with Eva. I think you did it for the right reason, and your DD is now opening up to people, which is great. 

 


No...it might be a paradox if you think sleeping with a comforting thing is damaged, but either way it is NOT an oxymoron.

 

tiphat.gif
 

I still have my baby blanket and recently had the holes in it mended and passed it on to my daughter who loves it even more than the blanket I quilted for her.

 

The blanket tells a story.  It is my blanket.  It is the softest dang blanket that ever there was.  Plus it has vintage Peter Rabbit prints on it...it is made of awesome and I love it, and if we take good care of it, it might even last another generation.  Why not?

 

I think I am quite well adjusted given the trauma of the Fuzzy Bear incident of my youth.


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#30 of 31 Old 10-01-2012, 10:54 PM
 
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OP, you sound like one of the most attentive respectful moms i have heard of. I'm incredible impressed how you have taken the sometimes harsh judgments of these posts. You have a lot of grace, your daughter is lucky to have you.

 

I think what you did, you did for the right reasons and was ok because of the things you saw happening. That she is doing so well shows that she is responding to this in healthy way. I dont think from the description of your daughter and the type of parent you are, that her stuffing her problems would go unnoticed. That she does not seem to ask for it, means that she was ready in some way to move on. Parenting means sometime having to make the harder choices for our kids, we are gifted thru experience the long distance view on life and they are the beneficiaries of that vision.

 

I'm glad you are saving it, i would make sure to wash it well and put it away somewhere very very safe and protected from harm and aging. I would not give it back too soon. I would think that so long as she continues to move forward, that you can give it back to her once it will be a memento rather than directly a lovey, does that make sense?  Like if she were 6 or 7 and found it in a move, then she and you could reminisce about it rather than turn back to it?  maybe at that point also give her a really special box that will fit it and maybe a few other tokens of childhood and let her start a memory box as she grows up?


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