To invite or not invite? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 01-11-2012, 09:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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if your child was one of 2 kids not invited to a bday party, would you invite that child to ur child's bday party?


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#2 of 7 Old 01-11-2012, 09:22 AM
 
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Hmm I'm not sure of the context. Like one of two kids in the class? Then no, I think that would show that the other child isn't really interested in friendship and inviting them wouldn't make sense.


I will say that I try not to make birthday parties about reciprocation for other birthday parties. First, because it seems unfair to a few kids whose parents are working more than one job and don't have time to get a party together, who are being raised by elderly grandparents who aren't up for putting a party together, who don't have money to put a party together, etc. Second, because we would have to invite like 30 or so kids if we invited every kid who invited my daughter, and that's before thinking of the above kids. Some kids invite tons of kids, and that's fine, but that doesn't mean IMO that they are entitled to go to everyone else's party either.

 

These days, I do small parties and invite the kids my dd actively plays with. I don't put more thought into it than that. But I can't imagine a child who excluded my dd wouldn't be among those she actively played with. So if she hadn't been invited due to exclusion, no, but if she hadn't been invited just because they only invited 3 kids and there were 5 in the neighborhood and mine didn't happen to be one of the 3? I would be fine inviting in that case.

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#3 of 7 Old 01-11-2012, 09:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know their reason for not inviting. But this is my take on it:

 

There were about 10 kids invited from the neighborhood except dd + 1. The birthday kid's brother and dd weren't getting along at the time. They seem to be ok now, but not the best of friends. Another mom/kid from the neighborhood excluded the same 2 kids, though that kid and dd never have never had any problems. I feel that they were making a statement that they don't want her in their party and basically don't want to be friends with her. Either the parents decided or the child decided but that decision was deliberate and I think we might look a little desperate by inviting them.



 

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Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

 

These days, I do small parties and invite the kids my dd actively plays with. I don't put more thought into it than that. But I can't imagine a child who excluded my dd wouldn't be among those she actively played with. So if she hadn't been invited due to exclusion, no, but if she hadn't been invited just because they only invited 3 kids and there were 5 in the neighborhood and mine didn't happen to be one of the 3? I would be fine inviting in that case.



 


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#4 of 7 Old 01-11-2012, 10:33 AM
 
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I wrote a post and lost it,

 

So I'll try to be brief this time:

 

If you want to invite them, invite them.

 

Ds goes to a preschool where usually everyone is invited (and everyone includes, parents and siblings), it is a coop school and there are only 21 families total, but the general party invites are for everyone and go out over email.

 

That being said, I know ds has *not* been invited to at least 2 parties.  This may have been an oversight on the part of the parents, or it could have been their choice or their kids' choice.  Either way he wasn't invited, didn't go, BUT those kids were invited, and did come, to ds's party.  

 

I don't think it is "desperate"

 

They will either come or they won't.  They may be "over" whatever was the issue when they had their party, or they aren't.  There is no harm in inviting.  Lots of people invite and don't expect everyone to come.

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#5 of 7 Old 01-11-2012, 11:26 AM
 
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If you'd normally invite everyone, invite them. The kids are getting along, that's the main thing. If they perceive that you're desperate it's their problem. You can see it is rising above a petty situation.

 

Parents can get wrapped up in holding grudges and hurt their kids relationships if they keep reminding them of past issues. Kids are pretty forgiving, and for the most part thats a good thing, I think it should be supported. My DS is 10 and at the beginning of the year he got into an argument with a kid that escalated to the point that the other kid threatened to bring a knife to school the next day. Obviously, I went to school and made sure everything was okay and the principal spoke to them both... a week or so after that, the kids were playing together as if it never happened. I could have told DS not to play with the boy, he's not nice, etc... but it would have just caused more problems. I let it go, and there haven't been any other issues with the kid, he actually seems pretty nice.

 

If it seems like DD is being excluded on a continual basis, then maybe it's time to start putting some distance between their family and yours, because it means the other child's parents are keeping the grudge going and your DD could be hurt by that. But unless that's the case, don't stress about it.


~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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#6 of 7 Old 01-11-2012, 01:46 PM
 
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Inviting someone who did not invite you (for whatever reason) makes you gracious, not desperate.

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#7 of 7 Old 01-13-2012, 12:10 AM
 
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My DS really wanted to invite a little boy who had (very publicly) not invited him to his birthday. I had reservations about it because *I* was still smarting from the rejection months ago! smile.gif I just asked DS if he was sure he wanted to invite the kid. DS was sure, the kid came, and now they seem to be friends. So, like a pp said, these things can change pretty quickly in kidland.

 

That being said, DS' feelings have been hurt a lot in the past when he's invited kids to his parties and the invitations are never reciprocated. On the one hand, of course, it's nice to have kids come to his parties (it would be very hurtful if no one came!). On the other hand, it's painful that the kids accept his hospitality but don't like him enough to reciprocate. Huge all class birthday parties aren't really done where we live, so I try to explain that maybe kids had a smaller party, etc., etc. but it still hurts.

 

As for you OP, why don't you try to gauge how much your DC wants to invite this child? If she really wants to, then just go ahead. Rising above slights is never a bad thing and not desperate at all.

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