Really want to have 3 kids when I am 60, but can't imagine having a third in the next few years (but can't delay due to age) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 02-16-2012, 08:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am really struggling with this!! My two boys are ages 4 and 16 months. I would really like to have a third, but I have so many days still where I think I could not possibly add another to the mix. I know that you have to be really organized, have a routine down, etc., in order to maintain sanity amongst the chaos of 3. I know it is not easy. In addition, I have a very highly spirited first child, with very high needs that often tend to supersede everything else. I have a hard time juggling/balancing the needs of 2, and can't even imagine there being 3. I also have a hard time juggling our schedules/lives to keep things running smoothly. I am working almost full-time, and it is constantly a struggle. I feel like something would really have to change to make it work with 3.

 

Ideally, I would wait until my 16 month old is 4 or something, but I am running up against the impossibilities of fertility! I know, I could put it off, and just give it a wait and see approach, but I don't want fate to decide because I waited too long! (I will be hitting 40 in a couple of years) We had issues getting pregnant the first time. Plus, not sure I will still have all the energy required when I'm 41, even if I do have the physical capacity to sustain a pregnancy. So, that puts me at waiting until DS2 is 3 years old, which means a pregnancy at the end of this year. Yikes. It's just all so overwhelming.

 

So, how did this all work out for you? I have read numerous posts about the transition to 3, and it seems like it boils down to this: your experience will depend on the temperament of your children, which is determined completely randomly and is entirely unpredictable. Yeah, a lot of moms report the third is more easy going because he or she "has to be," but others have also said the third was the hardest (whether it be for developmental issues or just different temperament).

 

thanks!


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#2 of 9 Old 02-16-2012, 08:55 AM
 
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*Disclaimer.... having another child would be the worst thing ever for me!  I completely lost interest in ever even entertaining the thought years and years ago.... I loved it at the time, but have no interest in it again*   Sooo... with that in mind....

 

I'd just NOT try NOT to have another baby as of right now.  Tonight even!!!.  But, I wouldn't try really hard TO have another baby either.  I'd take the "what will be, will be" approach.   If you have one in a year, it might be the best timing ever... if you don't. maybe that's the best timing ever.

 

If by fertility, you mean you have to plan and spend money to get pregnant....then I have no ideas at all.  So, ignore the first half of my post. (or just the middle)

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#3 of 9 Old 02-16-2012, 09:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for this comment! And, to clarify, by fertility, I am just referring to the lower likelihoods, but we didn't need assistance with #2. :)


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#4 of 9 Old 02-16-2012, 11:19 AM
 
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I hear you.

 

I am slowly grieving the idea of a third child. :( It is hard. I am no help for your questioning on #3's demands, but I have to post anyways, so at least you are not alone.

 

I would really have liked to have three young adults growing up together. But, unfortunately I am afraid our marriage would not survive. I mean it is going great with DH, but it has been stressful with the first two, we spent almost a year in renos to enlarge the house, and we only made it big enough for four, so that would also be a test on us; I don't think we could afford moving either. Financially, it has been much harder since #2 came along. So I really don't know if our relationship can take it once more.

 

Still we have not taken any permanent measures, and we are using temporary birth control methods, just in case our feelings/situation change.

 

I also had a few pregnancy losses before and in between my live children, and going back on baby-making territory could mean some more of those... My heart sinks at the thought of another miscarriage.

 

For now, I try to see the benefits of two children and convince myself that will work. But I still do not exclude it down the road. Who knows what our situation will be like.

 

 


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#5 of 9 Old 02-16-2012, 01:34 PM
 
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I think you're the only one who knows whether you could handle a third.  It definitely changes the dynamic and it sometimes feels there's not enough of mom to go around.  My kids are also busy and active, so my schedule often revolves around taking them to and from activities x3.

 

I have twin boys and almost from the time they were born, I knew I wanted a third.  But we gave up on the idea by the time they were 2.  I felt that I was too old, plus the boys needed a lot of my time.  

 

My dd was a surprise, and she was born when they were 3 1/2.  I won't lie and say it was always easy, especially in the first year.  But by the time the boys were 5 and my dd was 18 months, it was easy.  (And it was totally do-able before that.)  And the truth is, looking back, I don't remember any bad times.  Well, there was that one time when I had the great idea of putting a water table in my kitchen filled with rice-- it was winter-- they all climbed in... nevermind.   :)

 

My boys are almost 10 and my dd is 6.  I wish I had a fourth.

 

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#6 of 9 Old 02-17-2012, 06:14 PM
 
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My two (both more-or-less planned) are 27mo apart. My first was/is also very high needs. We weren't ready to even think about #3 (for various reasons) until last year, and I'm now expecting our third this summer, when #2 will be 4y4mo. I'm 37. I realize that your "plans" involve getting pregnant at the end of this year, but I guess my advice would be not to fret about it too much now. Having a 4yo and a 16mo is seriously exhausting and you can't predict now how you'll feel (emotionally, physically, whatever) in 6mo or a year from now.

 

As for the transition to 3, I'm sure a lot of it does depend on the children's personality, but I also think waiting until the other 2 are older helps a lot too!


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#7 of 9 Old 02-18-2012, 04:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XanaduMama View Post

My two (both more-or-less planned) are 27mo apart. My first was/is also very high needs. We weren't ready to even think about #3 (for various reasons) until last year, and I'm now expecting our third this summer, when #2 will be 4y4mo. I'm 37. I realize that your "plans" involve getting pregnant at the end of this year, but I guess my advice would be not to fret about it too much now. Having a 4yo and a 16mo is seriously exhausting and you can't predict now how you'll feel (emotionally, physically, whatever) in 6mo or a year from now.

 

As for the transition to 3, I'm sure a lot of it does depend on the children's personality, but I also think waiting until the other 2 are older helps a lot too!


Oh my gosh, XanaduMama, I remember your post from a while back about whether to go for the third! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think your post was pretty illuminating for me. I am currently working as a postdoc and am trying to figure out what to do next. I feel like if I landed a TT job (by some miracle, given that we are tied to the area for DH's TT job), it would almost rule out the possibility of a third. We have no family or support in the area (other than friends). So, I'm starting to think about adjuncting and all that. As it is, I still feel like I'd rather work fewer hours, but we do need some income coming from me regardless.

 

Thanks for your thoughts! You are right -- it is indeed "seriously exhausting" right now, so it is hard to keep in mind that I may be in a very different place in a year. At the same time, I feel like it will all be insanity no matter what, so why not throw all the chips into the wind... But, you are also right, I think the older they are, the easier the transition, regardless of the personalities. And then I keep coming back to me being 40 at birth if I wait until #2 is 4, which just seems too risky for a number of reasons.

 

Chaimom, actually, I don't know if I can handle it!! Aren't there a ton of moms out there who have a surprise third (or more) child and manage it just fine anyway? I have to be confident that we could do it, but I guess I also have to rationally ask myself if we really want to choose to bring on more chaos.

 

Canboo, yes we had trouble with getting pregnant the first time -- 2 miscarriages and one ectopic. Then, long wait time and DS1 with fertility assistance. Then, successful pregnancy (with early scare, when they couldn't find the heartbeat) with relatively short wait time. So, yeah, the whole fertility thing is not the number one issue, but it's definitely there. It would be so hard to work up the courage to try for a third and then have another string of losses.

 

 


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#8 of 9 Old 02-19-2012, 07:47 AM
 
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2 to 3 wasn't bad for me, but out of all my friends that had 3, I seem to be the minority. 3 children is common in my circle and most said it was really rough. In some ways I feel like  2 to 3 really wasn't actually dealing with 3 children, but then I went on to have a 4th, he wasn't necessarily planned, and OMG, that one was definitely sent me over the edge. DD1 was 6 and DD2 was 2.5 when DS1 was born. DD1 went to school when he was 4 months old and while she is certainly a handful, it just made the days easier. DS1 is mellow kid. At that time I chalked up my easy transition to my superior parenting skills, I thought I finally had everything figured out. biglaugh.gif Then I got DS2 who had to show me that really was not the case. Third or more children are not easier because they have to be, it is still just luck of the draw as far as personality goes. I umm, frequently call DS2  "my little pain in the ass" because that is exactly what he is.  whistling.gifA always screaming, never sleeping baby who honestly makes life for me and everyone else in this house miserable. Instead of the on top of it mom I used to be, I now feel like I live in an episode of Hoarders. If my kids are wearing clean clothes, they got fed any type of food, and somehow managed to get where they needed to be, then that is a highly successful day in my book, not much else happens. I am sitting here right now trapped under the sleeping baby because if I get up then the screaming starts again so computer time it is! 

 

I've got DD1 who is 9 now, DD2 is 5, DS1 is 2.5 and DS2 is 6 months. It feels like I have DD1 and then The Littles. DD1 is in school full time and then has all her sports to keep her busy, she isn't around much anymore. DD2 is in preschool some days and then there are the two boys. That is why I feel like somedays I only have the younger 3. Of course getting DD1 to all her places isn't fun with the always present screamer in the backseat. In some ways I think that if I would of had all the kids closer together, it might of been easier because then DD1 wouldn't be all over the area needing rides, DD2 isn't in school full time until this fall. In some ways I think I just managed to spread the crazy over more years instead of condensing it. Who knows! I think about this often, would of been better to have that last child that I thought I wanted (I was leaning towards a 4th, DH was done, and I discovered I was pg) and be this crazy mom to many children or to go through life thinking I was missing a child but be a better mom to the kids I did have. Hindsight sometimes isn't any kinder then trying to be proactive and really plan things out! Best of luck on your decision. 


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#9 of 9 Old 02-20-2012, 07:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Peony, wow, that is seriously intense. Just goes to show, there is no predicting who you are going to get. I see that your baby is still really little, so I'm sure that things are going to get better! I'm sure you are doing a great job! Both of my boys have been screamers; I guess that's why I'm so freaked out about having another. But, at least the screaming for number 2 did subside at some point (number 1 is really still a screamer, especially now, while he is dropping his nap). Hang in there!! I'm sure by the time your littlest is 18 months things will be much smoother! 


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