am I the only one who is stunned by people who post their kid's birthday party photos to Facebook -- even though obviousy they didn't invite every local kid they know? - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-23-2012, 08:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Goodness knows, I don't expect my kid (currently age 4) to get invited to the birthday party of every kid we know, or even of every kid she occasionally gets together to play with. But I do find it in poor taste for the parents of other kids to post birthday party photos to Facebook, so I can be reminded that we weren't invited. The next time we went to their house to play, they wouldn't pull out a photo album and thrust it in my lap, saying, "Here are the photos from X's last birthday party! Doesn't it look like they were having so much fun?" and then let me admire the photos of mutual acquaintance children. Seems to me that posting the photos to FB is awfully similar.

If people were more nuanced, they could block me (and other uninviteds) from seeing these photos. Or post them only to the parents of kids who are in them and out-of-town friends and relatives.

Again, I'm not hurt about not being invited. We all struggle to keep the size of our kids' parties manageable. But I thought the custom was that one didn't remind others of social gatherings they weren't invited to, unless you're a celebrity or something.

Am I crazy?
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Old 02-24-2012, 01:25 AM
 
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Yeah, I think you're taking it way to personally.


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Old 02-24-2012, 07:39 AM
 
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Oh, I know what you mean. Facebook is awkward that way. People even forget who all are on their friends list and might see what they post (seriously, that happens to me).


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Old 02-24-2012, 07:58 AM
 
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Really? It never even occurred to me to be bothered by that.

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Old 02-24-2012, 08:21 AM
 
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I only get annoyed when I wanted to at least be notified of the Birthday so that I could send a gift.  Eh... I'm weird.

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Old 02-24-2012, 08:45 AM
 
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I try to be mindful that most of the pictures I post are for my family.  They are the ones who want to see the pictures and my friends are well aware of that.  I am also mindful of talking about parties, even things like riding lessons that their friends can't afford.  

 

I think it is overreacting a bit to this.  You say you aren't upset that you weren't invited, yet you are ruffled about the possible faux pas of posting pictures of the party you weren't invited to, so much so that you are enlisting opinions from other mamas on this thread.  

 

I don't think you would have minded so much about this if you had indeed been invited.


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Old 02-24-2012, 09:31 AM
 
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I'd be peeved about posting pictures of kids on facebook without permission from parents, esp. if the kids are identified.

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Old 02-24-2012, 09:33 AM
 
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I'd be peeved about posting pictures of kids on facebook without permission from parents, esp. if the kids are identified.

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Old 02-24-2012, 09:49 AM
 
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Well it isn't reasonable for them to invite every local kid they know, generally, and it is reasonable for them to want to share photos with family. I would let this slide off my back if I were you. You will be on both sides of the "I'd love to invite 20 but I can only invite 10" party issue at some point or another. Everyone is. It's just part of life and kids' parties. They can't always invite you, and you won't always be able to invite them.

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Old 02-24-2012, 09:55 AM
 
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My daughter had her birthday party on Sunday and I posted FB pictures right after. If there was someone I thought would expect to be invited (and wasn't,) I would have hidden the pictures from that person, but that wasn't the case.

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Old 02-24-2012, 12:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bznadk View Post

I'd be peeved about posting pictures of kids on facebook without permission from parents, esp. if the kids are identified.



This is the issue that irks me more than would pictures from a party I wasn't invited to.  

 


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Old 02-24-2012, 12:43 PM
 
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We've mostly had family parties. DD1 has cousins about her age. It never occured to me that someone would assume that it was a friend party they were not invited to. What a sad way to live.

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Old 02-24-2012, 12:46 PM
 
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FB is just awkward! I remember feeling the same thing once! I got over it pretty quickly, though. But, now, even if you are blocked from seeing something, you can still see it through posts from your friends in common who are not blocked (like if they posted a comment on one of the photos). There is really no privacy, and we really just have to accept that it is a new world as long as FB is the primary source of sharing photos! Privacy will most likely be more and more of an issue with FB (it has already gotten worse and worse)!


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Old 02-24-2012, 07:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by porcelina View Post

FB is just awkward! I remember feeling the same thing once! I got over it pretty quickly, though. But, now, even if you are blocked from seeing something, you can still see it through posts from your friends in common who are not blocked (like if they posted a comment on one of the photos). There is really no privacy, and we really just have to accept that it is a new world as long as FB is the primary source of sharing photos! Privacy will most likely be more and more of an issue with FB (it has already gotten worse and worse)!

How would you feel if instead of seeing it on your home page you saw it in a comment from your friend's home page or some other scenario?  And knowing that these pictures of the party you weren't invited to were also not sent to you?  I know this is a big "what if?" but I agree, FB is awkward.  I feel like I am standing by myself in a giant store and blurt out to no one "Well, today we got a new dog!" and maybe someone answers.  Very strange!
 

 


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Old 02-24-2012, 10:42 PM
 
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Way too personally, I think. Facebook is more of a conversation, not a formal showing of stuff. I wouldn't be too happy for my kids' pictures to be posted by someone else, but I wouldn't think to be offended by pictures other people posted that weren't about me. Now, I don't really get FB anyway, so maybe it's just me.


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Old 02-24-2012, 10:53 PM
 
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This blogpost http://offbeatmama.com/2012/02/facebook-and-kids-parties from Offbeat Mama might help you understand why some people post their party photos.  They could waste their time making sure no eggshells are broken or they can assume their friends will behave like adults and deal with it.


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Old 02-24-2012, 11:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bznadk View Post

I'd be peeved about posting pictures of kids on facebook without permission from parents, esp. if the kids are identified.



This is what would bug me, but if DS didn't get invited to a friend's kids birthday?  And I saw pics on FB?  I expect him not to be invited at some point.  Not a big deal, and why shouldn't the person be able to share pics with friends and family?


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Old 02-25-2012, 12:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I expect him not to be invited at some point.  Not a big deal, and why shouldn't the person be able to share pics with friends and family?

Wow, this sort of makes me feel like I'm some sort of Emily Post old-fashioned type, all obsessed with manners and etiqutte.

Of course I expect DD not to be invited to all parties. And of course we've already made decisions year after year not to invite everyone ourselves. I could care less. That's not rude at all, not a big deal at all.

And of course people can share pics with friends and family -- we do that, too! We email them. To me, that's the polite way to do it. The FB method just seems downright rude to me, as if people are throwing the rules (the same rules the same parents play by on the playground and at potlucks) out the window. I would think, if they would be uncomfortable discussing a party in front of friends who they know weren't there (and I've watch people navigate conversations very carefully and politely around this in person more than once), the same rules would apply on Facebook. I guess I'm just less likely to accept "Facebook is just awkward" when it's not so hard to make it less awkward, like not posting party photos. But clearly I'm not in the majority on this one!
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Old 02-25-2012, 02:21 PM
 
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OP, this gets to me some times too.  Dd isn't invited to many parties and on a bad week, seeing all those happy pictures can hurt.  As I've gotten more used to facebook, it bothers me less.  I try to be careful not to do this myself though.

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Old 02-25-2012, 02:42 PM
 
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I guess it depends how wide your FB friends circle is; what your privacy settings are; how social your kid(s) is(are); and how big your parties are.

 

Personally, I like to throw big birthday bashes.  And I'm not one of those people who becomes FB friends with everyone I'm acquainted with, only people I really like and am genuinely interested in hearing from (and who seem to reciprocate).  I also have restrictive settings on who can view photos I post.  So, I think it's safe for me to say that everyone on FB in a position to see my kids' birthday party pics - who would reasonably expect to have their kid invited, and/or who invites my kid to their parties - did have their kid invited.  And posting party pics on FB allows me to share a bit of the celebration with out-of-town relatives who couldn't attend.  In fact, I usually make some sort of goofy slide-show and post a link to it.  I often get thank-yous from family members, saying it felt like they were there.  I hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't think I have.

 

On the other hand, I'm always reminding our kids to consider everyone they're addressing, when they post things on FB.  In the same vein, I think adults who are FB friends with all the parents who have ever had children in their kids' classes need to be considerate, when they post pictures of parties that only included a select few.  It seems like basic manners.

 

And you can always block things you post, from certain people.  I'm still FB friends with my brother's ex-GF, who was like a part of the family for years.  But when I posted pics from my brother's wedding to somebody else, I blocked her from seeing them.  It's not mean.  She didn't know she was blocked from anything.  It's easy enough to do.


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Old 02-25-2012, 03:06 PM
 
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I don't post most birthday party photos to facebook because there are other people's children in them, and I don't really feel like it's my place to share those photos.  

 

I do feel like it's oddly revealing and a little depressing when people post photos of parties and tag people in them so you can see that your friends were invited, and you know you are not invited because clearly aren't on that level of friendship with the person, but you didn't realize that until you see the photos.  

 

I'm somewhat sensitive, however, and I've stopped having parties for my younger child.  I've had three for my younger daughter and they weren't very well attended, although we had fun with the people who came.  Sometimes my daughter is invited to the parties of those whom we invited, and they are packed.  And then often they have parties and don't invite her, and I just don't want to have hurt feelings about all of this, so I figure instead of paying all this money for other people, I'll get her the gift she wants.  If I throw her a party, that ends up being the gift.

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Old 02-25-2012, 05:12 PM
 
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The key word here is "stunned", as in the title.  That is above and beyond any reaction I would have.  That's why I agreed with the use of "awkward" used by another pp.  Since the advent of cell phones (at least that far back) societal rules and etiquette seem to be tossed out the window left and right.  Yesterday my 30yo nephew posted on FB "I am so drunk."  What am I supposed to do with that?

 

I think another issue for me is just the new culture of birthday parties for kids.  Honestly, I've stopped inviting friends to them, partly our of deference to our friends who struggle financially.  Even a celebration these days seems like an automatic mandate for presents, and that is awkward, too.  We homeschool, so we have been able to side-step the "invite all the classmates?" conundrum.

 

FB is for people who feel comfortable enough to just "shout it all out".  I find it a bit awkward and sometimes, in the case of my nephew, inane.  But the folks in my family are on FB all the time, and it has allowed me to stay closer to them than I would have otherwise.  I also have very few friends and am mindful about what I post.  But even that is..... awkward... for this user.

 

But, no, I am nowhere near "stunned".


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Old 02-25-2012, 05:29 PM
 
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A third party informed me of my XMIL's death before my poor XP had had the chance to call me and tell me.  THAT i was stunned over.

 

That someone had a party with 12 5yo's at it and none of them were my DD?  Not on my radar.  I have enough trouble with my own social life without fretting about the social lives of children which have been largely constructed by adults along the lines of "who would i like to get drunk with", "who will advance me for promotion and also has a child" and "who will be most likely to help me clean up".

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Old 02-25-2012, 05:36 PM
 
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And then you "unfriend" those people that just don't seem to get that propriety still counts, even on FB.  People who have have no privacy controls on their page.  Or, in my opinion, political rants.  Not a problem, just not my FB "friend".


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Old 02-25-2012, 09:17 PM
 
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i would not compare this to them taking their photo album and "thrust it in my lap", i would compare it to them having a picture on their wall of their kid blowing out his candles and you happen to be visiting their house and see it. 

 

Would you expect them to take down the pictured on their walls before you come over? what if you come over without calling first, since of course you know their address?

 

If that seems like a silly expectation, then so is them customizing their Facebook page for you.


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Old 02-26-2012, 06:27 AM
 
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i would not compare this to them taking their photo album and "thrust it in my lap", i would compare it to them having a picture on their wall of their kid blowing out his candles and you happen to be visiting their house and see it. 

 

Would you expect them to take down the pictured on their walls before you come over? what if you come over without calling first, since of course you know their address?

 

If that seems like a silly expectation, then so is them customizing their Facebook page for you.


I find this response very interesting!  Clearly, you (Adorkable) - and some of the other posters - consider things posted on FB to be decorations on the user's wall, like a limitless bulletin-board hanging in cyberspace (rather than in your office), which friends and acquaintances may stop by and look at whenever they want.  

 

And, grammatically, that's exactly what's suggested by FB terminology, so it's a valid way of looking at it!

 

On the other hand, I (and evidently the OP) feel that when I post things on FB, I'm projecting them to everyone I know (and potentially to complete strangers, if I'm not careful with my privacy settings).  Think of serendipitously running into two people you know, at the grocery store, who may or may not know each other.  They both stop to say hi to you and in that brief minute before each of you must go your separate, busy ways, you each tell each other some news from your life, some funny thing your kid recently said, or you call up a picture on your phone.  Whatever you say, or show, each other would be OK to say, or show, to both people.  You wouldn't say, "So, Jane, can you go out with my friends and me on Friday night?" right in front of Kate, if you're not inviting Kate.  You'd wait and ask Jane about it privately.  To me, FB feels like running into everyone at the grocery store at the same time.

 

The latter is also a valid way of looking at FB, since when you post things on your Wall, people don't actually have to "visit your office" and "look at your bulletin board", to see what you posted.  It automatically shows up on the "bulletin boards" in their "offices", too.

 

Someone (with more free time than I have) should survey what percentage of FB users look at it the first way v. the second - and how that corresponds to personality types.


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Old 02-26-2012, 07:47 AM
 
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I use facebook mainly to post pictures for the grandparents (my family is out of state and the ILs live 50min away) and to keep in touch with friends out of state or country; my privacy settings are set to "friends only"; there are only 20 people and the only local ones are my dh's family. My dh has a lot more "friends" but he doesn't use it for social planning other than (sometimes) with his family--that's what his cell is for orngtongue.gif.  I have detagged all my photos and try to avoid including ones with other children.

 

We just do family parties (occasionally a friend with a child might be there) at home and take cupcakes to school for his class--that seems to be the norm at his school, perhaps due to the fact that it is a charter and students are drawn from a wide area.


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Old 02-26-2012, 08:04 AM
 
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I find this response very interesting!  Clearly, you (Adorkable) - and some of the other posters - consider things posted on FB to be decorations on the user's wall, like a limitless bulletin-board hanging in cyberspace (rather than in your office), which friends and acquaintances may stop by and look at whenever they want.  

 

And, grammatically, that's exactly what's suggested by FB terminology, so it's a valid way of looking at it!

 

On the other hand, I (and evidently the OP) feel that when I post things on FB, I'm projecting them to everyone I know (and potentially to complete strangers, if I'm not careful with my privacy settings).  Think of serendipitously running into two people you know, at the grocery store, who may or may not know each other.  They both stop to say hi to you and in that brief minute before each of you must go your separate, busy ways, you each tell each other some news from your life, some funny thing your kid recently said, or you call up a picture on your phone.  Whatever you say, or show, each other would be OK to say, or show, to both people.  You wouldn't say, "So, Jane, can you go out with my friends and me on Friday night?" right in front of Kate, if you're not inviting Kate.  You'd wait and ask Jane about it privately.  To me, FB feels like running into everyone at the grocery store at the same time.

 

The latter is also a valid way of looking at FB, since when you post things on your Wall, people don't actually have to "visit your office" and "look at your bulletin board", to see what you posted.  It automatically shows up on the "bulletin boards" in their "offices", too.

 

Someone (with more free time than I have) should survey what percentage of FB users look at it the first way v. the second - and how that corresponds to personality types.

 

But are you "stunned"?

 

 


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Old 02-26-2012, 08:57 AM
 
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That is another completely valid way of looking at it for sure, I like the comparison. I had not thought too much about it being pushed to other peoples walls as well. Since I have only my very best friends pushed to my wall(a great newish feature), that is something that I feel like I control and therefore am responsible for looking or not looking, heck I don't have to see anyone's or even be on Facebook! If folks continuously post things that rub me wrong I just take them off the list.
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Old 02-26-2012, 09:29 AM
 
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Eh... I could see having felt that way when my kids were younger, but they're old enough now that they're going to hear about any party (involving someone who they consider a friend) whether or not they were there.  Life goes on.

 

If I *expected* to be invited, yeah, I would be hurt and discuss it with them.  Otherwise?  There's ALWAYS some social event in our extended circles, I'd figure there was a reason.

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