Help! The constant whining is pushing my anger button! - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-24-2012, 09:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've totally lost my patience and any amount of whining is IMMEDIATELY sending me into a rage splat.gif  I need some help to stop the whining and find my patience again, because it truly makes me want to spank my darling sweet child out of pure anger. I'm not sure what to do about it, because it's not that he's whining to get something that I can just withold until he asks politely.

 

DS will be 3 in one month.  Everything seems to be so hard and frustrating for him.  The most minor setbacks cause him to lose his mind.  Examples:  He can't get his blanket straightened on the back of the kitchen chair, he spills food of drink on himself while eating, His socks don't match, the toy car doesn't fit where he's trying to put it, I am where he doesn't want me to be,  I am not where he wants me to be, his numbers or letters are not lined up the way he wants. . .

 

As I write this I notice a pattern - perfectionist, perfectionist, perfectionist with a heavy dose of controlling personality.  What do I do?  he is not coping well with challenge of any kind, and he is not accepting of any sort of imperfection or life event that doesn't go according to his plan. 

 

How do I help him develop into a more accepting(laid back) and perserverant individual?

 

  


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Old 02-24-2012, 12:53 PM
 
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If he is not even three yet, you have a long road ahead!! lol! There will be more whining, no matter how hard you try to nip it in the bud!

 

I recommend Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. There is sortof a mindfulness approach in this book that suggests we simply try to accept these things as they are in the moment. We CHOOSE to let them irk us, drive us over the deep end. Not that you should just tolerate it, there are certainly approaches to try to minimize it, but just not letting yourself getting to the rage point is important.

 

Believe me, I know what you are talking about, my DS is doing a lot of that right now, at age 4.25. We are trying hard to work with him, but a lot of it appears to be related to being tired (he's dropping a nap). Since he started napping a little bit again (30-60 mins), it has gotten a lot better. Any way sleep could be an issue? It really helps with patience and perseverance! Maybe you would like the book Sleepless in America for tips on maximizing sleep.

 

Sometimes he is receptive to us saying we can't understand you when you talk like that, say it without whining, etc., but really it mostly depends on how much he has slept!

 

Good luck!


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Old 02-24-2012, 12:55 PM
 
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My DD whines too. Or she gets angry. With the whining, it's generally when she asks for something. I either a) respond back with a super whiny tone or b) I tell her I didn't hear the request because it wasn't framed properly. Both strategies force her to reformulate her requests in a polite non-whiny way.

 

As for the frustration/need to control, I too have been really pushed to my limits. I have taken to letting DD do her things, whether it's grunting, growling or yelping out in frustration as she tries to do something (a puzzle, a drawing, putting on her sweater, etc), and I quietly let her know that when she's had enough of being angry/frustrated, she can come ask me for help. Then I leave. At first, she'd throw herself ever so dramatically on the ground and pitch a fit. Eventually though, she started to ask me for help. Obviously the requests start out whiny, but I don't help her until she asks politely and in a "big girl" voice. Lather, rinse, repeat 50 million times.

 

DD will be 4 in July and she's *just now* starting to come out of her whine-phase, and of course, the set-backs are numerous, but I can see a change.

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Old 02-24-2012, 07:17 PM
 
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Oh!  Just to commiserate.  This is so hard.  My 5yo just started doing this recently.  If I had a break I could stop and consider and allow myself some patience, because this will pass and I know it.  With some kind, gentle talk about how they are talking to you, and some patience.  But it just doesn't stop some days and I don't even have time to think straight.  It is as grating as fingernails on a chalkboard and I am not getting the mental break I need to take a deep parental breath and groove with it all and my lovely mood just get ransacked and I am left feeling angry and growly and impatient.  

 

Phew!  It's is not easy to find your breath in the midst of it all, is it?

 

Big hugs.  Sending you a big, fat package of patience and I hope you can find a way to use it!


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