HELP - Insecure 3yo while desperately needing space/time for myself? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 02-28-2012, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
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I'm hoping someone out there has some ideas on how to deal with my 3yo who is super clingy and demanding at the same time as I need space (to grieve).


Yesterday was an absolute nightmare where my son's hair-trigger temper and absolute dictatorial behaviour = two complete meltdowns (both myself and him) before lunch! I know he is undoubtedly responding at least in part to my mental state, but I just don't have the mental stamina to give as much as he seems to need at the moment. I also realize that in feeling insecure he's trying to regain his sense of control over things, but his dictatorial tyrany is over the top (I'm sorry, but he CANNOT tell me when I can or can't go pee or go upstairs/downstairs!) 


He did go out to the grandparents today so I could have a bit of a break but it made me realize how bad his insecurity is. Normally he LOVES to go with them, today we had to use all our convincing to get him to go.


Please help if you can, I'm desperate here! mecry.gif surrender.gif

- C reading.gif + Tsuperhero.gif = DS 08/08 bouncy.gif  DD 02/12 angel.gif and D? praying.gif sometime around March 16/2014 

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#2 of 3 Old 02-28-2012, 07:00 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss.


I have some odd theory here and it may or may not help.  And it is a lot of maybes.  If it doesn't apply, just ignore it.


I have a feeling that maybe as you mourn your loss, you are also so grateful for your son that you are also pulling him closer at times and at other times you need more space.  If your behavior, demeanor, etc., even if not intentional, is not consistent (it even could be just the feelings or vibes he is picking up from you),  he  may be confused and become anxious.  I also think you may have anxiety as well that increases with his behavior.  But he will feed off of your anxiety and will think there is something to be anxious of and will cling more.  Like a spiral.


Also, don't discount the fact that he knows something is wrong.  Depending on how much he knew of your pregnancy and if he knows she is no longer there, he could be confused too.


I don't know if any of that is helpful in figuring out what to do, but maybe just some thoughts as to why he may be so insecure suddenly.


Also, if you have a therapist available to help you with your grieving, please consider that.  I am not saying everyone needs therapy, but you should not feel bad if you want that extra help.


Could he spend some time with you with the grandparents maybe?  That way you are close by, but if you want a few minutes break here and there he may not be concerned.  Can he spend time with Dad for a bit so you can get a break that way too?  Would he be less clingy to you if it were Dad he was spending time with?


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#3 of 3 Old 03-02-2012, 01:34 PM
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I see this is a few days ago you're talking about, and maybe things have improved somewhat, or hopefully they have.  But just to put in my idea in case it helps -  As the pp said, it's often just as you need the time, when you are stressed and pulling away, that they seem to sense this and cling more.  First, could it help him to have you explain, in the simplest terms, of course, what grieving is, maybe ask him if he understands how sometimes when you're sad it can actually help you to just think about it by yourself?  Around 3 years old they start to be kind of able to be reasoned with, sometimes.  And what can work wonders (sometimes) is if you can find the energy early in the day to plan in 15 minutes of real one-on-one playtime, totally focused on him and letting him make the rules, pick the game, etc., he might be more agreeable to giving you some space after that.  My only other advice is to have some new and easy crafts or puzzles set up for him to hopefully do on his own a bit. Magazine pages and kids' scissors, paper and a glue stick - might buy you some bathroom time.....

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