7y/o in love?? - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-05-2012, 09:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have two girls, 4&7. Tonight my 4 year old grabbed my 7 year old daughter diary and my 7yo got very upset about it. I asked her why and she said she had written something in it she didn't want the 4yo to read. I told my 4yo to put it up and after bedtime I went and read it to see what the big deal was. There isn't much that I would consider a big deal, but something that caught me off gaurd is there is like 4 pages that say various things like "I love luke, I kiss luke, luke is the prince I am the princess.." etc. I have no idea who he is but apparently my 7yo loves him. I don't know what to do about it. I want to talk to her about it and about love, but I don't know how to approach it. Suggestions? Is this normal for her age?


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Old 03-05-2012, 09:32 PM
 
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Normal for her age and honestly I wouldn't say you read her diary.  If she didn't want the 4 yo to read it she might not want you to either.  It's kind of sweet too if you think about it.

 

The other night DD1 asked me if she could kiss me like mommy and daddy kiss because she really desperately wanted to know what it felt like.  Made me smile that she felt comfortable talking to me about it and asking questions.  Of course I had to tell her no.  She wanted to know if you could feel it in your toes.  Kidding me?  Super sweet.  DH heard and told her yes sometimes you feel it in your toes.  And then she drifted off to sleep. 

 

Wait for her to bring it up and remember that they know more about love than we do.

 

 

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Old 03-05-2012, 09:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't think I would tell her I read it. I need suggestions though to approach the topic because I do want to address it. Not that shes in trouble or it wrong or anything, just like let her know that she can talk to me and open the floor. Maybe ask open ended quesitons on what she think love is or whatever. I just don't want her to hide it from me.


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Old 03-05-2012, 09:55 PM
 
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Well ask questions and share.  It's really normal.  I know I freak a little when my kids don't tell me stuff but for the most part I've come to terms with the fact that they are allowed to keep a lot to themselves.  DD1 shares hardcore because I share too.  DD2 will talk for hours to DH about everything, kind of jealous but that's their thing.  I can't intrude.  If she wants to share with me awesomesauce!  But until then I need to give her room.  DD2 is 7 as well and she doesn't love anyone right now according to DH. 

 

DD1 is 9 and she loves a boy who loves someone else.  Even though he held her hand for 10 seconds in the lunch line.  They're in the friend zone until she can get rid of his girlfriend...  Oh 3rd grade love so sweet... he he he.  I always ask questions with interest and try to show little real concern.  If they tell me something I listen until they want me to chime in. 

 

Are you freaked out about this?  And what do you think she should know about love at 7 that you find so important?  Just asking so I can understand where you're at with this.

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Old 03-06-2012, 12:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hippiemombian View Post

I have two girls, 4&7. Tonight my 4 year old grabbed my 7 year old daughter diary and my 7yo got very upset about it. I asked her why and she said she had written something in it she didn't want the 4yo to read. I told my 4yo to put it up and after bedtime I went and read it to see what the big deal was. There isn't much that I would consider a big deal, but something that caught me off gaurd is there is like 4 pages that say various things like "I love luke, I kiss luke, luke is the prince I am the princess.." etc. I have no idea who he is but apparently my 7yo loves him. I don't know what to do about it. I want to talk to her about it and about love, but I don't know how to approach it. Suggestions? Is this normal for her age?


Wow, how humiliating. Your 7 yo has a right to her own private thoughts. My mother did this (when I was much older) and I learned to never trust her again with this sort of information, because she had determined I had no right to my own personal space and privacy. Yet, I did have a right, as a separate person. I think reading another persons diary is highly invasive. I mean, if she was 16 and giving clear messages that she was having a heavy drug problem or suicidal, then there may be grounds to read it. But to read after she specifically said she didn't want it being read? 

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Old 03-06-2012, 12:19 AM
 
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"is there a boy you like in your class?" or 'hey do you have any cute boys in your class?" or "do you have a boyfriend" (if she knows the word boyfriend) or even do you have any special friend? anyone you really like? i 'say' a lot through joking - things like 'i hope you are not thinking of getting married yet are you? i am not sure i can afford a wedding dinner now." usually has dd spilling the beans while holding on to her sides LOL.

 

if she opens up "tell me what you like about him".... and go in.

 

if she hems and haws then bring up if you liked any boys when u were around her age. or anyone you know who did like boys at that age. 

 

but i would make sure that you back away from the diary now. forever. 

 

by 5 my dd was married and divorced. she'd also made up her mind to have a boyfriend and get married  later on when she grew up because 'ma how do you decide which boy to pick. there are too many.  this is way too complicated."

 

also explore around one idea. your dd just might be a v. private person. she may not be hiding from 'you'. that could just be her secret that she doesnt want anyone to know now. 


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Old 03-06-2012, 05:15 AM
 
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I think it's fine to read the diary but my kids don't have any that I'm aware of.  My daughter is "in love" with a boy in her class.  I try not to make a big deal about it.  I have talked to her about how we should and shouldn't show love to a classmate.  For example, I wanted to make sure he got a regular Valentine like anyone else in the class.  She never tells him she loves him or that she wants to marry him some day.  I know it's a phase and I remember really liking certain boys even from Kindergarten.  I would never have voiced it and of course I didn't know what love like that was or what I'd do about it.

 

I just try to stay on the same page as dd.  Again, I don't ever want to act shocked or upset about it.  I don't want her to think she's done anything wrong.  

 

Maybe you could ask dd to show you or tell you what she didn't want the 4-year-old to see and reassure her that you're on her side and things are normal, etc.

 

My 2 older children are boys and this kind of thing was new to me.  I really think there are differences in how kids handle these things.


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Old 03-06-2012, 07:19 AM
 
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I had the same kind of "love" when I was that age. Only I was the "queen" and he was the "king". tee hee.


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Old 03-06-2012, 12:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess I would say that I am shocked about her loving another boy. I had no idea that she had any idea of the concept other than family love, ykwim? I'm not freaked out about it, just suprized honestly. I appreciate the positive feedback, it's reassuring to know that its normal for her to feel those feelings. I was sexually abused when I was younger than she is so I feel like my views and relationships with people my whole life have been jaded and I don't know what "normal" is.


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Old 03-06-2012, 02:02 PM
 
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Oh, I had regular crushes starting in the first grade with Tommy.  Next one I remember was Chris in the 3rd grade.  Glenn in the 4th and 5th grade.  I think some kids are just like this, even at a young age.  Your dd's writing sounds exactly like the kind of thing I would think about back then.

 

Honestly I don't think I would mention it, just keep an ear out.  You can establish one-on-one girl-to-woman talks without approaching this subject specifically at all.  Just take this as a sign that you might want to make sure your daughter knows she has your ear.  Somewhere I heard a a mom write about her experience with opening up the communication channels by leaving a 2-way diary on her dd's bed with an entry she wrote, and the diary was returned to the mother's bed with a response, and back and forth.

 

Don't bring up what's in the diary.  Even if she doesn't know for sure she will suspect that you've been into her diary and you've just blown it.


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Old 03-06-2012, 02:26 PM
 
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Oh my goodness, I was "In Love" with a boy named Dustin from the time I was 4 until grade 4 when he moved away.  My mom babysat him and then we were in the same class after we started school.  Once, when his mom dropped him off in the morning and I was still in bed I told my mom "Mom, I am sleeping beauty and Dustin is prince charming and I can't wake up until he gives me a kiss".  So, sure enough, I got a smooch on the cheek.  lol.  Generally, it was unrequited love however as he was "in love" with a girl named Courtney (who I did not like for obvious reasons).

 

I would ask leading but indirect questions and see if she opens up.  I like your idea about asking about her ideas of love generally, stuff like that.  I would also suggest maybe just talking to her about your experiences.  "I remember the first time I liked a boy.  His name was X and I liked him because..."  Don't even ask a question after that, just let her open up to you on her own.  If you open up to her, she'll feel more comfortable doing the same.  And, maybe she just wants to keep it a secret for now, because to her that makes it special (also normal for her age) and that is ok too, I think.


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Old 03-06-2012, 02:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nstewart View Post

 

I would ask leading but indirect questions and see if she opens up.  I like your idea about asking about her ideas of love generally, stuff like that.  I would also suggest maybe just talking to her about your experiences.  "I remember the first time I liked a boy.  His name was X and I liked him because..."  Don't even ask a question after that, just let her open up to you on her own.  If you open up to her, she'll feel more comfortable doing the same.  And, maybe she just wants to keep it a secret for now, because to her that makes it special (also normal for her age) and that is ok too, I think.

Oh I can just see it..... now I tell my girls the "Kitten Story" about all the cats (etc.) I've owned in my life.  Now I can imagine this morphing into the "Puppy Love" story.  love.gif
 

 


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Old 03-06-2012, 08:40 PM
 
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It's totally normal. And writing about it in her diary is probably all the further it goes, so I wouldn't necessarily talk to her about it. I'd ask her about her classmates in general. Ask her about who plays with whom, who she sits next to, who she's in reading group with etc. But don't ask her about the boy, please. Because if you do, she'll know you read her diary. I like the idea of telling her about the boys you had a crush on, but if she's anything like my kids, she won't say anything back.

 

If it helps, dd is 7 and has a crush on a boy in her class (she developed this at the end of last year). I don't think this boy even knows that dd likes him. "Love" this age is more about the idea than anything. This is what  sexuality is like for kids this age. Sexuality develops slowly over childhood, it doesn't just suddenly spring from nowhere at puberty. It's OK.


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Old 03-06-2012, 10:14 PM
 
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At 7, she's probably heard stories like cinderella and stuff which all feature True Love and Kissing.  Of course she's going to want to explore those ideas.  My dds had planned their weddings by about the age of 5.  Around 7, dd1 asked if it would be alright if she  went on a date with her husband to be before they got married, but later than now.  Like maybe when they were 18 or so.  I said that was good with me & that was that for a while. :D  Her younger sister tried to decide to be married to the same boy (I guess she figures her sister has good taste?) but dd1 refused to go along with it, so now she's marrying the girl next door.  *shrugs*  Kids aren't thinking about this stuff the way we do, it's as much playing house to them as using playdough to cook dinner.

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Old 03-07-2012, 08:24 AM
 
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DD1 hasn't told me about any crushes she has had until this year or maybe this is the first one, she is 9. However other parents of her classmates have been telling me since age 6 that their boys had crushes on her! It is very common. DD1 now has a little friend that is a boy, they both like each other in that way. I actually have a thread about it in the preteen/teens forum. They spend time with each other outside of school with our families, probably at least once a week. DD1 and I just talk about her feelings and various things. It seems scary at first, but once you start off the conversation, it really isn't bad. 


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