Something dd just told me - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 35 Old 03-26-2012, 02:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
pianojazzgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Montreal
Posts: 4,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Dd just told me that her friend at school confided in her that she had "sucked a boy's penis", and that he had "sucked her vulva and nipples".  I didn't know how to react really.  I kind of gently questioned to find out who this boy is.  It turns out that it is (probably) either the girls step-brother or her dad's girlfriend's son (dd wasn't clear), and that he is kindergarten age.  The girl is 8 and in grade 2.  Dd wasn't sure why they decided to do that.  Dd said that she would definitely not want to do that because pee comes out penises.  Dd also said not to tell the girl's dad because the girl said he would be really mad if he found out.

 

Ok, so where do I go from here (if anywhere)?  Is this pretty normal "playing dr" kind of stuff?  My dd and her friend have done plenty of "I'll show you mine, you show me yours", but no touching as far as I know.  Is it normal for kids to get the idea to put their mouths on other people's privates?

 

Anyway, any thoughts appreciated.


Kate, mom to 7 year old Djuna and 4 yr old Alden. Missing our good friend Hal the cat who died June 2, 2010

pianojazzgirl is offline  
#2 of 35 Old 03-26-2012, 03:14 PM
 
Youngfrankenstein's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 2,273
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

In your shoes, I'd probably tell the girl's mother.  Either something bad needs to be investigated or the girl is using language that's not appropriate and I doubt her mother would be happy with that.


Mama to 4. winner.jpghomebirth.jpg
Youngfrankenstein is offline  
#3 of 35 Old 03-26-2012, 03:18 PM
 
swelldoula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Tucson, Arizona
Posts: 203
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think it could be normal, but if it was my DD, I'd want to know about it. I think you should let her mom know what your DD told you and leave it at that. 


Swell Doula Service

Birth - Postpartum - Placenta Encapsulation 

nocirc.gif  winner.jpg  slinggirl.gif

 

 

 

swelldoula is offline  
#4 of 35 Old 03-26-2012, 03:52 PM
 
purplerose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 899
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

there is no way a child that young knows anything about oral sex unless she had been exposed to it. this would need to be reported, imo. this is not typical "playing doctor".

alegna and *bejeweled* like this.

drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.

purplerose is offline  
#5 of 35 Old 03-26-2012, 03:58 PM
 
Imakcerka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4,065
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)

There was recently a case in Houston I believe where two third graders were caught giving each other oral sex under their desks.  The teacher was dismissed for not being aware and doing something about it.  You should be able to google it.  While kids shouldn't know about this stuff... it happens and being sexually active as a young kid doesn't always mean that they were molested.  Sometimes they have older siblings and older friends who talk about it in front of them without thinking about it. 

 

I would certainly talk to the parent/guardian of both kids if you can.  Maybe something has happened or maybe they have older influences.  I do recall a few friends of mine having sex at 11. 

Imakcerka is offline  
#6 of 35 Old 03-26-2012, 04:08 PM
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,792
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Report it. There is no way that this behavior is normal, if it is true. It's a huge red flag. I would tell either the counselor at school or call the girl's mother directly.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#7 of 35 Old 03-26-2012, 04:13 PM
 
Jen Muise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 233
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

report it, for sure.  If the boy is younger, that's not normal playing doctor anyways; and that either of them have ideas about oral sex is concerning. 

Jen Muise is offline  
#8 of 35 Old 03-27-2012, 08:41 AM
 
SweetSilver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Westfarthing
Posts: 5,030
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 51 Post(s)

I would be commending my daughter for bringing this to you.

 

I can see possibilities both ways, though I am just being thoughtful because truthfully I have alarms going off in my head.  The girl could lying through her teeth.  A second grader might have more access to information than a kindergartner, so I am leaning toward this scenario. I could also see the possibility, if it did happen that it was a grossed-out-barely-touched-with-tongue exchange .  Poor kid.  I hope this girl is lying.  Regardless, it is out-of-bounds.  Question I have is: would her mother believe your daughter?


Give me a few minutes while I caffeinate.
SweetSilver is offline  
#9 of 35 Old 03-27-2012, 09:15 AM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I think that's worth someone doing a formal investigation, personally. And I'm generally in the anti-CPS crowd. I think it's a big red flag that something potentially could be going and worth having a professional check into it. Is there a counselor at the school you can call? I might go through the school rather than call CPS directly. The counselor might have some knowledge that you don't have.
mamazee is offline  
#10 of 35 Old 03-27-2012, 10:33 AM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,430
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Report it. There is no way that this behavior is normal, if it is true. It's a huge red flag. I would tell either the counselor at school or call the girl's mother directly.

I agree!
philomom is offline  
#11 of 35 Old 03-27-2012, 10:55 AM
 
CrunchyChristianMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 2,649
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Report it to the school counselor.


Elizabeth - Doing life with Scott partners.gif

SAHM to Evelyn - my crazy little Celiac (4) energy.gif Annabelle (2)  love.gif and Abraham (born 6/20) buddamomimg1.png
adoptionheart-1.gif  Follow our journey  mdcblog5.gif

CrunchyChristianMama is offline  
#12 of 35 Old 03-27-2012, 12:30 PM
 
pbjmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,211
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Needs to be reported immediately. You only know what your dd told you and based on that there is a big problem. True that children are not always the best reporters which is why the truth needs to be looked into by an adult. Please don't turn a blind eye to this - this child could be suffering from repeated abuse which could go on for years.

pbjmama is offline  
#13 of 35 Old 03-27-2012, 02:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
pianojazzgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Montreal
Posts: 4,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you so much for your input.

 

I'm not friends with the girls mother.  In fact we always have very awkward exchanges, probably because we're both somewhat shy, and also because we speak different languages (she is francophone and I'm not fluent in french).  So, I'm thinking I would feel more comfortable bringing this to a school counselor.  I'm going to call the school tomorrow.

 

I wonder how the mom is going to react.  I know she's very religious (born-again Christian).  I hope she doesn't shame her dd or anything.  Anyway, I don't have control over that... all I can do is make sure that any potential abuse is investigated.

 

 


Kate, mom to 7 year old Djuna and 4 yr old Alden. Missing our good friend Hal the cat who died June 2, 2010

pianojazzgirl is offline  
#14 of 35 Old 03-27-2012, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
pianojazzgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Montreal
Posts: 4,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Ok, help me out here...

 

I looked on the school website and they have 2 guidance counselors, 2 psychologists, and 1 social worker on staff (it's a big school).  Which of these people should I be talking to?


Kate, mom to 7 year old Djuna and 4 yr old Alden. Missing our good friend Hal the cat who died June 2, 2010

pianojazzgirl is offline  
#15 of 35 Old 03-27-2012, 06:26 PM
 
Bena's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 747
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl View Post

Ok, help me out here...

 

I looked on the school website and they have 2 guidance counselors, 2 psychologists, and 1 social worker on staff (it's a big school).  Which of these people should I be talking to?

 

There is a good chance that you will only get direct access to the guidance counselors, who will then refer the students involved to the psychologist or social worker, if judged necessary.
 

 

Bena is offline  
#16 of 35 Old 03-27-2012, 09:15 PM
 
pbjmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,211
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Not familiar with the laws up north but in the US they would all be mandated reporters, so any would be fine. My personal preference would be to go to the highest on the chain if that is something you can judge.

pbjmama is offline  
#17 of 35 Old 03-28-2012, 12:28 PM
 
CrunchyChristianMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 2,649
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I would pick social worker of those 3 if given the choice.


Elizabeth - Doing life with Scott partners.gif

SAHM to Evelyn - my crazy little Celiac (4) energy.gif Annabelle (2)  love.gif and Abraham (born 6/20) buddamomimg1.png
adoptionheart-1.gif  Follow our journey  mdcblog5.gif

CrunchyChristianMama is offline  
#18 of 35 Old 03-29-2012, 07:14 AM
 
crunchy_mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 6,501
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd go with social worker too.

Ahh I see you posted this a day or two ago, did you already call?

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
crunchy_mommy is offline  
#19 of 35 Old 03-29-2012, 07:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
pianojazzgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Montreal
Posts: 4,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

No, I haven't called yet.  Yesterday I ended up spending the day in the dr's office and going for medical tests (I have some weird health stuff going on right now).  Today is the day.  I also have my best friend telling me that she really thinks I should talk to the mom first - that if it were her she'd rather hear it before a social worker.  I just don't feel comfortable at all doing that... I'd have to send a note with my dd for her dd to give the mom to ask her to call me... or something.  I don't even know their last name.  I don't ever see them at drop-off or pick-up because the girl and her sister take the school bus.

 

Anyway, I just woke up (thank you dh for letting me sleep in) and I'm going to call the school now and see where I get.

 

Thank you all again so much for your help.


Kate, mom to 7 year old Djuna and 4 yr old Alden. Missing our good friend Hal the cat who died June 2, 2010

pianojazzgirl is offline  
#20 of 35 Old 03-29-2012, 08:21 AM
 
nextcommercial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 4,589
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I am totally into the "Kids experiment, and stop freaking out" camp when it comes to these things.  I think most parent completely overreact in the experimenting phase.

 

But, these things are not normal at this age.  No 8 year old should even know about this unless she was being shown or taught in some way.  Even if it never happened, she should not know this stuff.  Or the boy should not know this stuff.  Either way, somebody is exposing one of these kids to things that they would not otherwise know anything about for several more years.  

 

I would call the school, give the information to the school counselor and ask him to please talk to the girl's parents.  I don't think I would call the parents yourself, because if something comes of this, the mom will know it was you and your daughter...that might cause problems for your daughter.   

nextcommercial is offline  
#21 of 35 Old 03-29-2012, 10:02 AM
 
NiteNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,697
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

I would not tell the parents myself because my daughter goes to a fairly large school but in a fairly tight community where we are the new people.  If the parents are going to be difficult and confrontational , I would not want it coming back to me.  Teachers are required to be very careful about protecting privacy, so I would start there.  Today.  I would repeat what my daughter had told me, tell the teacher we want to be left out of it, and let her report.  I am fairly certain that if you tell the teacher that your daughter told you, she will be required to report AND keep your daughter out of it.

NiteNicole is offline  
#22 of 35 Old 03-29-2012, 10:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
pianojazzgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Montreal
Posts: 4,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Ok, I've left a voice mail for one of the guidance counselors to call me back.  I'm hoping to hear from her by the end of the day.  Tomorrow is not a school day (though maybe they'll be there on a professional day???).  I hadn't thought of talking to the teacher, but maybe that's what I should do Mon morning if I haven't heard back from the guidance counselor yet?

 

Thanks for helping put in words my thoughts about talking directly to her mom.  I definitely was feeling uneasy about dealing with the parents' reaction and somehow having backlash on my dd or myself.

 

I feel so worried for the girl, her sister, and the little boy....  :(


Kate, mom to 7 year old Djuna and 4 yr old Alden. Missing our good friend Hal the cat who died June 2, 2010

pianojazzgirl is offline  
#23 of 35 Old 03-29-2012, 07:16 PM
 
pbjmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,211
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would put in calls to multiple people and let them know you consider it urgent. If this girl (and possibly others) is being abused it could be happening at any time, including the time between now and when you speak to someone. Preventing one episode of abuse is worth the inconvenience of someone returning your call over the weekend.

pbjmama is offline  
#24 of 35 Old 04-01-2012, 05:28 PM
 
Azik's mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 173
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wondering what you finally did. Personally I would tell the mom. If it were my kid I would want to know.
Azik's mom is offline  
#25 of 35 Old 04-02-2012, 03:15 AM
 
Frances69's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

http://www.infoocean.info/avatar3.jpgIn your shoes, I'd probably tell the girl's mother.

Frances69 is offline  
#26 of 35 Old 04-02-2012, 05:03 AM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I wouldn't get the family involved because if it is happening within the family, it puts her in a terrible position. Depending on the dynamics of the family, it could cause her to be afraid to report it, or it could cause her to be retaliated against if she does report it, or who knows. I think I'd go to someone at the school for sure.
mamazee is offline  
#27 of 35 Old 04-02-2012, 09:02 AM
 
NiteNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,697
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

I agree.   A teacher is a mandated reporter.  You just have no idea where the family is on this and you do not want your daughter involved.

NiteNicole is offline  
#28 of 35 Old 04-04-2012, 12:12 PM
 
LROM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 908
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

For everyone saying you'd want to know if you were the mom, I totally understand that, but I'm guessing you're also saying that because in your own cases, you know YOU as the mom would not be the perpetrator. 

 

Unfortunately in OPs case, she doesn't know who - if anyone - is doing something in appropriate.  In so many families with sexual abuse going on, a non-perpetrating parent already knows about the abuse and is in denial or actively hiding it.


Let me be clear, I'm not jumping to the conclusion that actual abuse is happening here - maybe it is just child experimentation.  But IF this child knows the words and the actions because she's been exposed to inappropriate influences, OP doesn't know who is involved, who knows... and so I agree with everyone who's already said go to a school staff (I think the social worker or psychologist, but as long as OP goes to someone at the school who is a mandated reporter then she's taking a good step).

 

OP has already said that telling the mom makes her uncomfortable, and if it's a choice between telling someone at the school or not acting at all because talking to the mom is too hard, I absolutely hope OP will talk to the school.  But on top of OPs discomfort of talking to the mom, I also think that is not a wise choice because as others have pointed out, it could put the child in immediate danger if mom is involved or even if she's not and she tells someone who's hurting her, it could have bad impact.

 

OP please let us know if you've spoken to either the teacher or another staff at the school, and what they said.  Best of luck!!!

LROM is offline  
#29 of 35 Old 04-15-2012, 10:32 AM
 
ShadowMoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 1,405
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Any updates?


S~ Peace loving, natural living, FuNkY vegan mama to Keiran bouncy.gif 23/Dec/06:
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" ~~ MLK
ShadowMoon is offline  
#30 of 35 Old 04-16-2012, 08:21 AM
 
Sharlla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Springfield Mo
Posts: 12,042
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

i would report it to the school so they can get cps involved. she could be sexually abused at home which is why i wouldnt just talk to the mom


Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

Sharlla is offline  
Reply

Tags
Child , Childhood , Children

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off