cry for connection causing public interference - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 04-26-2012, 06:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just read and agree / the article "cry for connection." my 4 yr old is having tantrums in the middle of the night, frequently. I'd like to allow her just to have the tantrum and get those feelings out, but we live in an apt. and I'm scared someone will call the cops. it's happened to me before, when she had a meltdown in the mall. they are really loud and dramatic and long. So, how do i let her scream and kick walls and doors until she feels better w/out having neighbors summons the police? (she does not hurt herself, but it sounds horrible, like we're abusing her, when we are not.)

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#2 of 10 Old 04-26-2012, 08:14 AM
 
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I don't think it's unreasonable for your neighbors to expect to be able to sleep through the night. An infant waking up crying for needing to be changed and fed is quite different from a 4yo screaming and kicking walls for as long as she needs to get her feeling out at 3am. I would likely tolerate it 2-3 times before I called the landlord and demanded that s/he do something, That is not a reasonable expectation, IMO.

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#3 of 10 Old 04-26-2012, 09:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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so what s your suggestion? we have been woken up be her at least 25 times nightly every night since birth. she has sensory integratio disorder and something wrong in her brain causing poor sleep. she's seen 5 specialists and had many painful tests. she has slept in my arms at night for 4 years, causing me severe back pain and sleep deprivation (Much greater than that of parents w/ newborns.) She agreed to sleep in her princess bed, adjacent to mine. now she won't do it. we've explained 1000 times that Mom has to sleep. It's kind of like crying it out, except everything we offer to do is wrong- she just needs the release (see the cry for connection article.) anything useful here? i'm going back to work just to buy a house for her, but thats a year away.
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#4 of 10 Old 04-26-2012, 09:53 AM
 
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My only suggestion - based on your second post which added a heck of a lot more info than the first (i.e. she has special needs) - is to speak with her pediatrician again (I have to assume that you have already spoken with him/her). S/He may have some further suggestions. But the fact remains that your neighbors will not tolerate the late night "tantrums" for long. Would you, in their shoes?

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#5 of 10 Old 04-26-2012, 12:06 PM
 
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I am wondering if it is necessary to implement cry for connection techniques at night. I am not judging you, I understand COMPLETELY why it feels that way now, having been completely sleep deprived myself! My DS' tantrums would wake DD, who would then need to nurse, and then DS would wake again, and etc etc etc ending in NO sleep for me! But, allowing this sort of thing at night was simply not an option for us, living in an apartment with paper thin walls. We just couldn't have our kid up all night screaming, there were at least 2 other apartments that wouldn't sleep either... and one of them had kids about our kids age! Just completely unfair to keep them up too.

 

However, we did a lot of cry for connection in the past year with my 3.5 y/o DS, but only during the day. We allowed for punching of (soft) furniture, kicking of walls, screaming, crying, flailing, etc etc etc. After we started using crying for connection during the daytime, DS started waking a lot LESS at night time, and when he did, was much more willing to be soothed (i.e. actually WANTING water and a hug instead of asking for one and throwing more tantrums). He now only "breaks down" maybe 3 times a week, usually during the day, and only at home (or occasionally in the car). He seems to be able to "hold in" the bad he's feeling while we're in a store or something and release it once he feels safe. He also usually sleeps through the night now... as if he sleeps better having spent his emotions during the day.

 

But maybe you mean your 4 y/o doesn't tantrum during the day?

 

The neighbors can really think what they want during the day (and truthfully, they might not be around or notice as much do to all the noise of the day), and if they call the police, the police will be able to see that your child is with you and fine. Also, as an apartment neighbor myself... I would not involve police/CPS for hearing a child screaming and banging ( I mean yes, for noise disturbance at night..) .. but during normal hours, I would be listening for the parent to be yelling as well. If the child is screaming, and the parent is silent, I figure it's tantrum throwing.

 

Also, if you live in a relatively safe complex, and/or know your neighbors, you could tell them about it. "I'm so sorry if you've heard my DD crying lately at night... We are trying some techniques to help her feel better and sleep better. You may hear her crying and stomping during the day, but we're just allowing her to have her tantrums to see if it helps."

 

HTH!


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#6 of 10 Old 04-27-2012, 08:01 AM
 
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What a tough situation.   Are you able to tell when a tantrum is coming or does she wake up already screaming and upset?  If the former, could you take out her out  to the car and let her hit and kick the seats or is there a section of your complex (like a community room/laundry area) that might be more removed from people's apartments?   I agree with letting your neighbors know - that will likely buy you some time and sympathy, especially if it doesn't happen all that often, but eventually they will get annoyed and complain.  I'd also suggest contacting a local realtor  and asking them to keep an eye out for single family rentals in your price range (while your saving for your house).

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#7 of 10 Old 04-28-2012, 08:06 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silvermist View Post

 they are really loud and dramatic and long. So, how do i let her scream and kick walls and doors until she feels better w/out having neighbors summons the police? (she does not hurt herself, but it sounds horrible, like we're abusing her, when we are not.)

 

I don't have any suggestings that would help with this (though you could try the Special Needs Board), but I do recommend maintaining a relationship with a ped that will back you up (that there are no signs of abuse and that your dd has a neurological problem) that you can refer the police to should it come up.


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#8 of 10 Old 04-28-2012, 06:10 PM
 
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I have a DS with sleep issues that sound similar (though recently they have improved) and I cannot imagine living in an apartment with him. We'd get kicked out! Is moving an option? Maybe a detached apartment, or a 3rd floor, or something??

I'd talk to your neighbors, apologize for the noise, and see what they say. Ask them if it's keeping them up at night. It might not even bother them. If it is a problem for them, ask them how you could make it up to them -- maybe offer to buy them a white noise machine, or consider changing the hours your DD sleeps so that she's less likely to wake during your neighbors' prime sleep time... I don't know, tricky situation.

On the other hand, I have no idea what cry for connection is! Night-time crying is not something I let go on & on (daytime crying/tantrums, yes, we let those play out sometimes, depends on the situation). At night, I tend to do whatever I can to keep DS calm & happy, because that ultimately means more sleep for all of us. That means I carry him to the potty (asking him to walk would make him freak out), and I keep his water bottle on the night stand, and I give him Calms Forte (homeopathic) when he seems anxious or has a bout of night terrors, I don't even try to make him sleep in a separate bed, I cuddle him whenever he asks (even 20 times a night and even if I'm so sore), things like that... It helps and he wakes up so much less than he used to and I am getting more sleep too, even though sometimes it seems exhausting! He is the type that if you catch him just before he cries, he goes back to sleep quickly, but once he gets worked up he keeps crying or wakes constantly crying after that.

Have you tried natural remedies, things like progressive relaxation, deep breathing, melatonin, dietary changes? I'm sure you have, but figured I'm mention it anyway. Keeping DS gluten-free & mostly soy-free seems to have made a huge difference, as have certain pre-bedtime activities to help with his nightmares.

I also wonder if you could trigger her to cry earlier in the evening to kind of get it all out before bedtime...

Is she actually having tantrums, or is it night terrors, or something completely different?

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#9 of 10 Old 04-28-2012, 06:23 PM
 
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Your child's cry for connection should not inter fer with my ability to work next day and make money to pay for my kid's food and rent. 

 

 

 

You child needs a referrals to a sleep specialist and a therapist if she has not seen one already. 

 

 Exssesive tantrums are not normal. Day time explosive tantrums was a first sign of my child's bipolar disorder. Of course, everyone just told me he was an "Indigo Child". thank God I did not listen and got real help for him.

 

 

Consider reading up on sleep hygiene. Perhaps something can be changes in your child's sleeping environment that will make it more lovely and comfortable for her. Water bottle, night light, white noise machines etc. 

 

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#10 of 10 Old 04-28-2012, 06:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alenushka View Post

Your child's cry for connection should not inter fer with my ability to work next day and make money to pay for my kid's food and rent. 

 

 

 

You child needs a referrals to a sleep specialist and a therapist if she has not seen one already. 

 

 Exssesive tantrums are not normal. Day time explosive tantrums was a first sign of my child's bipolar disorder. Of course, everyone just told me he was an "Indigo Child". thank God I did not listen and got real help for him.

 

 

Consider reading up on sleep hygiene. Perhaps something can be changes in your child's sleeping environment that will make it more lovely and comfortable for her. Water bottle, night light, white noise machines etc. 

 

 

??? The OP answered these questions. She has been to several specialists, had several tests. She is aware her DD has special needs. She is not avoiding getting "real help" for her DD, she is trying another technique after many others have not worked. I understand your viewpoint of not wanting to be disturbed in your home, and agree, but the rest of your post is just an attack on a mama who is really struggling. headscratch.gif


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