DSD is almost 8 1/2 and is still having occasional bed wetting, which I'm not that concerned with since her dad wet the bed til he was like 11, though it's incredibly annoying. What concerns me more is her "forgetting" to wipe sometimes when she pees (I don't know how it is at school, but at home we've caught her red-handed so to speak) which has been happening for a couple years now, wetting her undies, and just this year we started finding poop smeared in her underwear. She insists she is wiping, but I say no way. I tell her it's bad for her health (like her skin) and she's going to get teased for smelling...I've yelled, I've made her clean the undies. I just don't know what to do or why this is happening. I've heard other people have had this problem, but to me, it just seems that there's something wrong with her, and maybe these other kids are messed up too. No offense, but I just don't get it. At this age, this wiping stuff should be second nature. And for it to START in 1st or second grade when they've been potty -trained for years. What gives?
She is going to be undergoing testing for ADHD and we are hoping to get her into counseling because the issues she's been having for years have gotten a lot worse this year. I've thought that things were off with her for a lot longer than anyone else it seems. Maybe because I see her from a different perspective, even though I've been with her since she was still in diapers. Anyway, now others, including her school and the rest of the family (besides me and my mom, again, seeing her from a different perspective) are finally seeing it. She's always been very impulsive, and has had issues keeping her hands to herself esp. at school with classmates, and doing things that are just impulsive and make you think WTF? both at home and at school. For years she has done things that I would see a 1, 2 or 3 year old doing but not a 6, 7, or 8 year old doing (example: she was caught at school having sprayed water all over the bathroom floor and unwinding an entire roll of toilet paper, and has done similar things at home. When we find these things she's done, she'll first deny it, and then say she doesn't know why she does it. She can also be quite argumentative and defiant about the simplest of things, and whine and cry about the smallest of things. Now it's actually affecting her school work and her not doing what teachers tell her to do. And at home it's gotten worse too.
So I wonder if this bathroom issues could be related to her other issues.
I'm just at my wit's end with this, and everything really. It's gotten to the point where I can't even see past the negative aspects of all this.
It may very well related to so many things. How bout you stop yelling at her and shaming her. It is pretty normal at that age. My 9 yr old has to be constantly reminded about wiping. But it's more of a, "Hey you need to flush the toilet and I noticed there was no toilet paper in the toilet, please remember to wipe, wash hands and flush".
Remember she's a child. Does she see her mother often and how often is she with you and your DH? Also, she's not an adult and really all this is not her fault. You sound really angry and your anger is most likely directed right at her.
I agree that there might be some misdirected anger on your part here. I totally get that feeling of frustration and "WTH", but it seems possible that this child has sensed your judgement of her and is like any child just trying to cope with the shame they feel in the midst of an angry/judgmental authority figure(s).
As hard as it might be, I'd try to feel compassion rather than anger when dealing with this. It's good that she is getting counseling... perhaps you could try it too? If a truly negative dynamic has taken root with you two, that might be helpful.
Mother to DD born Jan 2008 and DS born Nov 2011.
Does she see her mother often and how often is she with you and your DH?
Re-read my post, her mom died when she was 1. I don't know how much trauma or what-have-you she is experiencing because of that, and if it may have had any influence on her behavior and development, however I met her at age 15 mos., and she has always been aware that her mommy died. I always felt that it was not fair to her and maybe not appropriate for those grieving around her to instill at such a young age that her mommy died, constantly being reminded of it, given objects that once belonged to mommy, simply so a child who was honestly too young to have any real memories of her own won't forget her. I always thought that the help of a child psychologist should have been employed to determine how to go about talking about her mother with her.
She spends frequent weekend nights at her grandmother's, and I'm not sure how much the poop happens there because I find it only maybe 2 or 3 times a week, not every day. If ind evidence of pee stains and/or wetness several times a week too. A different problem I ran into with her going to her granny's was her not changing her underwear at all even though we packed it with her clean clothes that she DID change into, and she'd say she "forgot" even though they were right there with the other stuff. Since this poop in the undies thing is rather new, I only notice it when I'm doing laundry or when I specifically check her undies after she takes them off. Like yesterday. I had washed her laundry from the past 3 days with her sheets since she woke up wet, found a several-days old pair with poop in them that I threw away because I didn't want to deal with days old poop, then she came home from going out with granny for the afternoon and we had her shower, and while she was in the shower I checked the undies she'd just taken off and found more poo. After her shower I made her don a pair of disposable gloves and wash them herself. I still don't know how "normal" it is for a child of her age to be so lazy they can't even wipe. I guess I think it should be second nature after 5 years of it. Why do they suddenly start "forgetting" after years of doing it? I don't want to be this way, but yes, I am angry, and yes a negative dynamic has formed. I'm not trying to shame her per se, but if explaining hygene doesn't work, maybe embarrassment will. I have tried to explain how it isn't good for her health to sit in poo and pee all day, and she either doesn't "get" it or doesn't care enough for it to sink in, so someone suggested telling her that her friends might be able to smell it and start laughing at her for smelling like poo or pee. Yesterday she turned to the wall as if the situation would disappear if she couldn't see it. Like covering ears and yelling "Lalalala!" so you don't hear what the parent is saying. Sure she's only 8 1/2, but what about 9, 10, 11? Sometimes I think maybe she does it on purpose not because she "forgets" to wipe. We have not found a counselor yet, but we are going to call the office her older half-sister goes to (she has ADHD and ODD). Not the same therapist, but maybe the same place. And yes, I agree, I should see someone and I think the three of us as a family could use therapy.
embarrassment lasts forever. It doesn't change the situation and then suddenly disappear.
I'd take her to a Dr. to rule out other problems. Search MDC there are quite a few threads where this has come up and quite a few conclusions. It could be physical it could be mental. Either way most kids don't make the decision to just crap their pants especially if they're going to get shamed for it later. There is something else going on.
Maybe her bottom itches?
the more YOU bring it up the more its going to be an issue for her and her self esteeme. If she is having issues with ADD, and wetting the bed, something is telling me her self esteem is probably not the best to begin with. Im sure that you pointing out is only adding to the issue.
I sure wouldnt enjoy someone pointing out the stains that I left on my panties. I would be horrified actually, if someone inspected my panties every day.
When i was a kid i wet the bed until i was 11, AND i never wiped after peeing, because my father/ brother/ best friend never did, so why should I?
I would take a step back mama, and jsut assume that she is not doing this on purpose. That maybe someone is hurting her, or that she has a medical issue, or mental trauma. Something is going on, and for you to point out how disgusting she is and how people are not going to like her is not going to help her in any way.
Im sure its annoying, and im sure that a lot of your anger is being turned to blame your DSD instead of the frustration of not knowing what is going on. But remember she is a person, and she has feelings and if there is an underlying issue how horrible you would feel.
Melanie- Mama to my super hero daughter bravely battling brain cancer.
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