6 yo so disrespectful--rant and a plea for advice... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 33 Old 05-24-2012, 05:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DD is excellently behaved at school (full day kindy.)  But she is so SO disrespectful to me, and sometimes to her father.  She turned 6 the other day.

 

I know full day school is exhausting, and I try hard to meet her needs by not overscheduling, giving her one on one time and a snack and water right after school etc. 

However.  The simplest tasks require me asking/telling umpteen times, with me getting more frustrated along the way.  This is for everything, but it is most angering to me with the daily everyday "no excuse" (a term borrowed from her school) tasks: make your bed, choose your clothes, eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth.  We do these EVERY DAY and it's not like it is a surprise, or it's unreasonable.

 

We made a reference sheet for her to check so I can say "have you looked at your list" instead of nagging.  It worked great for one day.  At any rate, it's not just these things, it's nearly every thing, all day....leaving anyplace, washing hands, you name it.

 

Kind/polite requests are ignored.  So then I say it more sternly.  Sadly the ONLY thing that gets a result is threatening to set the timer or take something away.  Then the task gets done.  But it gets done by an angry scowling child who calls me Stupid, Mean, The Meanest Person on Earth, I Hate You, You're Never Nice to Me and on and on.

 

In general I am in favor of GD.  But I totally absolutely am not ok with such obnoxious disrespectful behavior towards me or anyone else.  Adults especiallly. 

 

When she acts like this, which lately is several times a day, she gets things taken away or loses priveleges or whatever.  Yup, punishment.  I don't like it but I simply cannot let this stuff go by with no consequence.

 

I tell her how I know what a wonderful person she is and that I want others to know that, that being rude and impolite makes people think you are not a kind person--which I know she is, that people don't want to spend time with you when you're not polite, etc etc.  Even if I initiate this conversation when we are not at odds she becomes angry, defensive, and reverts to the rude rude obnoxiousness.

 

Please, tell me it's a phase.

And, advice?  I ignore it sometimes but I honestly feel like that is negligent.  I do not think children should feel they can speak to adults so disrespectfully. 

 

Thanks for any help...

 

PS: We've done sticker charts and all of that.  Even the reward ones are just another form of a threat, really "you won't get a sticker"  = you won't get that ice cream cone/whatever = threat.  I am weary of this method, though I continue to use it.
 

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#2 of 33 Old 05-24-2012, 05:23 PM
 
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I feel your pain.  :(

 

For DS, we're finding that a lot of his behavior stems from sensory issues, so I'm having to adjust how I handle these things, but I am anxious for him to start OT so I get some more ideas on how to deal with the daily fight of just getting him to brush his teeth without a tantrum.


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#3 of 33 Old 05-24-2012, 07:10 PM
 
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uhgg!  Well, my 4.5 year old isn't ignoring me yet, but man is she mouthy and contrary.  If I say left, she says right.  And she *knows* everything.  Mine makes snarly faces at me when she is refusing to do what I ask and sometimes she will stomp her foot/hit the couch.  This is so disrespectful.  I cannot believe that my child is doing this.  I wonder what I have done wrong.  I just don't get it.  Why does she refuse to do the simplest things or the daily things (brush teeth, etc.)? 

 

My mom's advice has been helping a lot.

 

I have two phrases that I repeat when necessary. 

 

"Listen and do" and "Do over"

 

I make my request one time (and one time ONLY).  She says NO, not going to do it.  I say, 'listen and do'.  She knows that if she doesn't do what I had asked her to do, then she will go to her room for a time out.   I also take privileges, but she usually does whatever before I have to take it.  Just threatening to take a privilege works best for her.

 

I do my best to not repeat my request.

 

The "do over" phrase helps when she speaks disrespectfully or when she speaks with a mean tone or if she doesn't ask for something in a polite way.

 

I say "do over" and she changes her voice/tone/phrasing to a respectful way of speaking.

 

I am just tired of the repetitiveness, the threats, the negotiating.  I am done.  Now I say it once.  It's been a few days and I think it's helping a lot.

 

I would like to hear from any other moms who have found something that works.  Or please tell me this is a phase!

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#4 of 33 Old 05-24-2012, 08:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oooh, I'll be trying "listen and do" come tomorrow.  Thank you!

 

As for do over--yes, I often say "Let's try that again" and pretend I did not hear the obnoxious insulting response to my humble request.  Ugh.

 

Thanks mamas. 

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#5 of 33 Old 05-25-2012, 07:59 PM
 
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Did you try it and how did it go?  It seems to be working for me.  Well, at least I am not repeating and getting frustrated as much.  I can't figure out where my daughter gets all this energy to go against me all.the.time.  It is so exhausting.  She always ends up doing the thing I asked, but the threat has to be there. Why can't she just do the thing without the threat since she is going to do it anyway?

 

But the thing that is the most disappointing is the disrespect and I am not a control freak or an authoritarian type parent.  I've tried to model respect.  I just don't understand where it is coming from...where did i go wrong?  My goodness she is only 41/2.  The terrible twos were nothing compared to 4 1/2.

 

My mom tells me that you just have to keep repeating it until it clicks one day.   Mom says that catch phrases are better than talking things to death because by a certain age they really do know what is expected of them.  But the child keeps pushing the boundaries checking to see how far they can go.  We have to draw our boundaries and make them really clear to the child and then don't move the boundaries. Follow through every time.  Consistency is the key.

 

Also, we have to teach them to have self control.  I started talking to mine today about her "off switch".  I told her that it is located in her mind (brain) and in her heart....(I just made it up as I went)  DD said she can't turn the switch off because she has so many thoughts going around and around in her brain like a merry go round.  To which I said, well, even merry go rounds have an off switch.

 

I told dd that she is the only one who can control her speaking and her actions.  Mama is here to help you learn how to control what you say and do.  (I just make it up as I go...I really don't know how to help her)   ...sigh...
 


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#6 of 33 Old 05-26-2012, 11:13 PM
 
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I catch myself repeating and that is when I move on.  I talk to them about something when it's not in the moment and then in the moment, I follow through.  Like we just got a bunch of new games.  We talked about keeping them together and using them one at a time.  That we have to pick up and keep them away from the little kids.  I do ask ONCE that something be picked up if I see it's a problem.  If it doesn't get picked up, I say I'm going to do it and that leads to either someone hurriedly volunteering to pick it up, or it leads to me putting it away and taking away game-playing privileges for the day.

 

I need to know what to do about fingers in the ears and noisemaking at me, also what to do about mocking.  (high pitched repeating of what I say)  the 'offender' is 7.  The 5 year old sometimes pulls fingers in the ears and namecalls.


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#7 of 33 Old 06-16-2012, 12:26 AM
 
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I would love to hear more input and about how things are going with you
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#8 of 33 Old 06-19-2012, 12:19 AM
 
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So glad I found this thread.... having similar issues with my six year old and I feel it's been going on awhile. He's also super emotional and sensitive. I think he's also an attention seeker because of his younger sister who is much easier in terms of her personality.  My six year old also gives us a huge headache at bedtime. Whenever we have a normal bedtime without battles or crying, I sit back and wonder why on Earth can't that happen every night??

 

I'm going to try the "listen and do" and "do over" approach.... Looking forward to seeing if this helps. Thanks for sharing it! 

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#9 of 33 Old 07-02-2012, 07:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Chamsia View Post

"I do not think children should feel they can speak to adults so disrespectfully." 

 

 

 

I do not think anybody should feel he can speak to anybody else disrespectfully. I understand what are you talking about and I think I know what might help. Read this book asap:

 

Alyson Schafer: Honey I wrecked the kids

 

Very helpful information about reasons, why kids misbehave and how to help to stop that behavior.


Check out this book on kindle http://bit.ly/playsongs

 

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#10 of 33 Old 07-03-2012, 11:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks.  I just ordered that book from the library.  Have been trying hard to use the How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk approach.  But sometimes I just reach my limit. 

 

Of course we should always speak respectfully to our kids too, and I try hard to do so.   But I do believe that there should be inherent respect for adults.   Not blind obedience, of course.  But politeness!!!  (With everyone, ideally.)  DD is that way with adults at school, but not at home or in less formal situations. 

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#11 of 33 Old 07-03-2012, 04:54 PM
 
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hang in there mamas.

 

what your children are doing is VERY normal.

 

step back. this is the time to take care of YOURSELF. 

 

i call this hormonal changes. the first sign of pre puberty. it begins like this with deep emotional issues. teens have taught me that who remember going through this stage between 5 and 7. my dd did it at 5 and got BO at 6.

 

this is the time for you to learn to be compassionate. draw the line without anger. 

 

dont take things personally. remember the golden rules apply even more so now like at 3. enough rest, not hungry and enough exercise. what really helps is horseplay. VERY important. they get to work out their emotion while wrestling with a loved one. i know this helped dd IMMENSELY when she did get that chance.

 

BUTTERFLYMOM you have to be even more understanding due to your circumstances. my dd did the same. and a friend taught me to take that as an honor, as a compliment. that she feels so comfortable and safe at my place that she can be who she is. she knows no matter what mama will always love her so she can bring out her 'demon' side. i was open to her venting as she has to always be on her best behaviour at her dads. 'ma you understand me, daddy doesnt.' that is the biggest compliment i have ever had from her. more than 'i love you' (to me that's a meaningless term coz of course she loves me. i know that. but does she feel respected by me - THAT's the million dollar question).

 

it was a difficult time - coz i could do no right in my dd's eyes. but then when she came out of it - OMG i was in tears. because my little baby was gone completely, replaced by this sweet girl who did not fight over nos. who understood why no and who suddenly turned so mature - that was a joy to see. 

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#12 of 33 Old 07-08-2012, 09:06 AM
 
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I appreciate this thread SO much. I was beginning to think I'd done something terribly wrong to have a 6 year old who was capable of such attitude and disrespect. My 8 year old never went through that phase, so it's very new to us.

 

I'll be checking out that book and taking the advice given here. Thank you for helping me realize I'm not alone (and that maybe my son is just being normal after all!)


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#13 of 33 Old 07-10-2012, 06:09 AM
 
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I feel your pain.  :(

 

For DS, we're finding that a lot of his behavior stems from sensory issues, so I'm having to adjust how I handle these things, but I am anxious for him to start OT so I get some more ideas on how to deal with the daily fight of just getting him to brush his teeth without a tantrum.

 

YES - I've been looking into this as well. I don't think my DD (who is about to turn 5) needs physical sensory intervention (ie: deep pressure, light touch, etc. that I've been reading about), but I do think she can't tune out the hundred things happening around her and I'm trying to figure out ways to support/engage her that allow for the receptors that aren't being used to rest. Even just in searching, I find a lot of comfort (maybe because it takes the personal feelings of "what am I doing wrong" away).

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shami View Post

uhgg!  Well, my 4.5 year old isn't ignoring me yet, but man is she mouthy and contrary.  If I say left, she says right.  And she *knows* everything.  Mine makes snarly faces at me when she is refusing to do what I ask and sometimes she will stomp her foot/hit the couch.  This is so disrespectful.  I cannot believe that my child is doing this.  I wonder what I have done wrong.  I just don't get it.  Why does she refuse to do the simplest things or the daily things (brush teeth, etc.)? 

 

My mom's advice has been helping a lot.

 

I have two phrases that I repeat when necessary. 

 

"Listen and do" and "Do over"

 

I make my request one time (and one time ONLY).  She says NO, not going to do it.  I say, 'listen and do'.  She knows that if she doesn't do what I had asked her to do, then she will go to her room for a time out.   I also take privileges, but she usually does whatever before I have to take it.  Just threatening to take a privilege works best for her.

 

I do my best to not repeat my request.

 

The "do over" phrase helps when she speaks disrespectfully or when she speaks with a mean tone or if she doesn't ask for something in a polite way.

 

I say "do over" and she changes her voice/tone/phrasing to a respectful way of speaking.

 

I am just tired of the repetitiveness, the threats, the negotiating.  I am done.  Now I say it once.  It's been a few days and I think it's helping a lot.

 

I would like to hear from any other moms who have found something that works.  Or please tell me this is a phase!

 

This is great! I think consistency has been a huge issue for us, and it's good to see a simple outline of how it works for someone else. I'm looking forward to trying this, and looking forward to more updates in this thread.

 

Thanks...and I hope things are improving for the OP.


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#14 of 33 Old 07-10-2012, 04:20 PM
 
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There is a book called 'Playful Parenting' by L. Cohen that has a whole section on discipline - and it seems like it would work well with a spirited or high energy child. 

 

Meemee - it talks a lot about wrestling/horseplay as being a very effective tool in respect sharing and getting energy out in a healthy and loving way. 


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#15 of 33 Old 07-10-2012, 05:57 PM
 
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Just wanted to say that in our house, what you are calling the "no excuse" tasks are somewhat negoitable.  Granted, we are homeschoolers with a more flexible schedule, but I'm wondering how much flexibility you are giving your daughter about these things.  Can she do them in whatever order she wants?  Is she allowed to have a day where she just doesn't want to make her bed, or where she's really tired and wants you to pick her clothes for her?

 

Some days I make my bed, some days I don't.  Some days I quickly eat breakfast and brush my teeth and shower; others I want a little extra time to linger over my coffee.  Again, I get that it's tougher with school, but kids like to have some autonomy, and if she's in school all day she's probably not getting to exercise much autonomy there. 

 

I know someone already mentioned this, but I would also re-examine your idea of adults deserving a certain level of automatic respect.  That sets the stage for a double standard, and some kids are really good at sniffing those things out.  One of my kids certainly is.

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#16 of 33 Old 07-10-2012, 07:05 PM
 
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not blaming just saying kids feed off there parents reactions and if your daughter see's your frustration she may be reacting on it has anything changed resently new home new school loss of family or friend i wish you the best of luck
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#17 of 33 Old 07-10-2012, 09:18 PM
 
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I have a 4-yr-old who rages and viciously verbally fights us. Hits us, too. Am reading "The Explosive Child" and it is good so far. It's about the "how to" of working with them instead of doing to them. Our daughter has been like this since turning three, so unless it's precocious puberty, I doubt it's pre-puberty, *for her*. She also has diagnosed anxiety and sensory problems. Rewards and punishments do not work for her one bit. Our other daughter is not like this at all, she's a perfect angel. Our family dynamic really mimics what the author says about it being learning gaps in the child, not problems with discipline, since the other children are often not explosive.


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#18 of 33 Old 07-11-2012, 10:02 AM
 
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I have a 4-yr-old who rages and viciously verbally fights us. Hits us, too. Am reading "The Explosive Child" and it is good so far. It's about the "how to" of working with them instead of doing to them. Our daughter has been like this since turning three, so unless it's precocious puberty, I doubt it's pre-puberty, *for her*. She also has diagnosed anxiety and sensory problems. Rewards and punishments do not work for her one bit. Our other daughter is not like this at all, she's a perfect angel. Our family dynamic really mimics what the author says about it being learning gaps in the child, not problems with discipline, since the other children are often not explosive.

 

This is my family to a T, so I'm so glad I'm not the only one.  My explosive child also has diagnosed anxiety (and ODD, mild PDD), but the explosiveness is also part of his personality.  The other one is as easy-natured as can be.  I will be picking up that book, thanks so much for the recommendation!


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#19 of 33 Old 07-15-2012, 12:55 PM
 
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I have heard about creating Mom's Ransom Box for things you asked be put away or taken care of but they didn't do it....Get a large, clear storage bin and put the items in.  Then, on the outside, have a list of positive tasks/chores they can do to "earn back" an item in the box.  This is supposed to help eliminate arguments...they left it out, they need to earn them back by performing one of the listed tasks, no negotiating.

 

At our house we use the phrase, "Try that again" if our daughter says something in a disrespectful way and should re-phrase. I feel like I am saying that all day long!  But I also know that sometimes I forget to say things in the most polite way possible....so sometimes I restate it for her in the polite way as a model.

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#20 of 33 Old 07-15-2012, 03:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I appreciate everyone's input!  The struggle continues.  But I realized that *I* need to get more sleep and to take more deep breaths so as not to escalate things.

 

Got "Honey I Wrecked The Kids" and :"1 2 3 Magic" (recommended by someone IRL) at the library.  Only skimmed both, but am already seeing results.  "Magic 1 2 3" is not as high-falutin' as Honey I Wrecked The Kids or How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk.  But there is some helpful stuff.  Mainly that parents screw things up by A) Talking Too Much and B) Getting Angry. 

 

Today I told my 6yo that we'd use the 1-2-3 system.  She knew it already from school, and really did respond to it.  (Parent calmly says "that's one" for fist offense, "that's two" the next time.  Third offense = "That's three, take 5"...for us that means going to her room.  It can be a time-out, 5 minutes out of the activity, whatever.

 

Dinnertime. 
Thanks again everyone.  It is rough seeing my nice kid turn mean and bratty at times.  And even harder not to model behavior that I do not want to see (angry, shouting, exasperated.)

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#21 of 33 Old 07-15-2012, 11:09 PM
 
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I haven't read the responses. 

 

Our son is 6.5. The disrespect overflowed. I don't believe in punishment. I do believe in GD.

 

What worked (out of desperation) was to make him earn what is dearest and nearest to his heart--computer time and desserts.

 

We homeschool and he spends his sister's naptime on the computer (usually how it's made.) He also is a sugar addict (though he only gets one sugary food a day.)

 

Quickly we learned that having to work all day to earn something in the evening did not work. It was too long and theoretical. So we started the day working towards afternoon computer time. He needed to be respectful and kind to earn the computer. Then second half of the day was spent earning dessert. If he did something that kept him from earning afternoon computer he immediately started working on earning dessert. It didn't take him long to turn into a rather polite child and the whole earning "rule" went away. Though we randomly bring it up if his behavior is getting borderline.

 

In some ways this is like punishment in that we are taking away a privilege, but it does come out more pro-active in practice. He is working to earn something.


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#22 of 33 Old 07-15-2012, 11:40 PM
 
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I appreciate everyone's input!  The struggle continues.  But I realized that *I* need to get more sleep and to take more deep breaths so as not to escalate things.

yup yup!!! this is absolutely KEY. that is great you are taking care of yourself.

 

also, this is the time to increase chores. or as i like to call it responsibilities. our kids want to help around the house. they want to do things. it makes them feel so important. 

 

of course be careful when you ask them to do it, and be willing to hear a NO. that i feel is ok. 

 

things like setting the table. like putting away dry dishes. or anything you might feel they might 'enjoy'. for some like my dd from age 5 she did a lot at home - washed some dishes, did laundry, sous chef and making me breakfast.

 

i know my friends son was kicked that he learnt how to use the coffee maker and took the morning coffee maker v. seriously.

 

one thing you will notice is when this stage ends, boy the kids change HUGE but subtlely. they become soooo mature and understanding. and when you say no, they accept it. you will be surprised. 

 

in the meantime you have to find the language and strategy that works for your family. and honestly when you as the parent are rested and relaxed, its easy to find that strategy. 


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#23 of 33 Old 07-18-2012, 11:17 AM
 
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yup yup!!! this is absolutely KEY. that is great you are taking care of yourself.

 

also, this is the time to increase chores. or as i like to call it responsibilities. our kids want to help around the house. they want to do things. it makes them feel so important. 

 

of course be careful when you ask them to do it, and be willing to hear a NO. that i feel is ok. 

 

things like setting the table. like putting away dry dishes. or anything you might feel they might 'enjoy'. for some like my dd from age 5 she did a lot at home - washed some dishes, did laundry, sous chef and making me breakfast.

 

i know my friends son was kicked that he learnt how to use the coffee maker and took the morning coffee maker v. seriously.

 

one thing you will notice is when this stage ends, boy the kids change HUGE but subtlely. they become soooo mature and understanding. and when you say no, they accept it. you will be surprised. 

 

in the meantime you have to find the language and strategy that works for your family. and honestly when you as the parent are rested and relaxed, its easy to find that strategy. 

 

i love this. my DD (who shares a lot of these issues) asked to make me lunch the other day and was totally thrilled about doing it. it was yummy, too :) the coffee maker is a great idea!!!! makes me want to revert to drip coffee instead of either tea or a press/pour over... :) :) 

 

maybe we could throw some other creative ideas for responsibility out there? whenever the cat escapes the apartment door, my DD is in charge of going to get her. we're re-homing the cat, but in the meantime, it works. :) 


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#24 of 33 Old 07-26-2012, 12:45 PM
 
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I'm responding to your OP without reading the responses. My boys also have a "morning list" and "bedtime list" hung up in their room. I've had the idea for awhile and now have instituted a new rule that they cannot get out any toys until the list is done, and they show me. Also, they have to have all the toys put away at night before I start to read aloud and they do their "bedtime list."

Since there is really only one toy they care about -- pokemon cards -- they now have to check those in to a "toy library" and then check them out in the morning after breakfast and chores. There is also a box of Legos and a box of magnets in there.

I have become much more firm and much more simple in my approach. We have a firm 4:00 snack time. Now, it's also a firm rule that they must have cleaned the upstairs (whichever room they were playing in that day) before snack. If they pass 4:15, no snack that day.

I also can't stress enough that I feel having a good relationship with each child individually is the only thing that makes the firmness work and not feel coercive and yucky. My goal is to be calm, firm, and cheerful. As for the backtalk, the more I call my kids out on misbehavior in a calm voice -- "Do not say that to me please, it's rude, " or "I won't have that kind of rudeness," the more they respect our boundaries and direction. I've recently had to call one or the other out on lying, selfishness, verbal insults, and stealing from a sibling. It was all new stuff, not things they had done before, and I made a huge deal of it and let them know I did not expect it to be repeated. So far, so good. I can feel that they are looking to me more as a compass and guide for their behavior and want to know their parents are proud of them.
 

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#25 of 33 Old 07-26-2012, 12:51 PM
 
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I don't think this is AT ALL hormonal. I think it's habit, pretty much everything is. If they try something once, and get away with it, or see that mom and dad are not serious, they may feel it works for them and keep doing it.

I also say "Try that again," or "try another voice," immediately to any kind of whining, demanding, or complaining. I notice that my kids know who they can whine to, because it will work with some people. Just not with me :) I will also say, "I do not say that word to you and I don't expect you to say that word to me, your sister, or anyone."

And reading a few other responses, I totally agree with more responsibilities. If we can keep the kids busy, they are less likely to have time to dream things up or spend energy on arguing. I often remind my husband, people are happy when they are useful. So we always look for ways we can make that happen. I try to find things for them that I know one of them will like, or be challenged by. New things are better than the same -old, like shredding papers or harvesting vegetables or cleaning the bird bath. But still, they do have things, like wash hands and set the table, that have to be done 3 x a day :)

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#26 of 33 Old 10-13-2013, 02:03 PM
 
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Try to remember she is only 6 or 7 by now, they are not adults or understand like adults they are children trying to find their way in the world and learn from everything they are shown. Best of luck. 

In the early school years, you won't see dramatic changes in motor skills because this is a period of refinement, when coordination improves and fine motor skills are sharpened. But you will notice remarkable changes in social and thinking skills. Your child is now building on the base of skills developed during early childhood and moving toward greater independence, both intellectually and emotionally.

Here are some of the milestones you can expect of a 6-year-old:

Motor Development

  • may still be somewhat uncoordinated and gawky
  • able to learn to ride a bicycle
  • can move in time with music or a beat

Language & Thinking Development

  • moving toward abstract thinking
  • develops reasoning skills
  • shifts from learning through observation and experience to learning via language and logic
  • wants it all; has difficulty making choices

Social & Emotional Development

  • grows more independent, yet feels less secure
  • craves affection from parents and teachers
  • friendships are unstable; can be unkind to peers
  • needs to win and may change rules to suit herself
  • may be hurt by criticism, blame, or punishment
  • can be rigid, demanding, and unable to adapt
  • increasingly aware that others have may have different feelings

Tips for Parenting a 6-Year-Old

At 6, your child is curious, active, and becoming engrossed in school and new friendships.

  • Provide consistent structure at home to help your child adapt to the disciplined world of school.
  • Give lots of opportunity for physical activity to help develop skills.
  • Make a point of attending your child's school and sports events. It's important for her to show off her accomplishments.
  • Be patient with her selfishness; it will pass.
  • Be generous with praise.
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#27 of 33 Old 10-13-2013, 02:43 PM
 
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We have the same issue. Nothing has worked. Taking away privileges or rewards. We've had a bag of prizes from which she'd get to close her eyes and pick a reward, we made charts, tried just about every thing. Of course I threaten to take a privilege away like you won't be able to go to a bday party and of course she doesn't want that and will listen but only because it's a threat. I guess it is just a phase from some posts I read and am glad to know it is. Phew! No one warned me how hard parenting would actualy be. :eyesroll


Let me make sure that my thoughts, words and actions are beneficial to the scene in which I find myself ~ Unknown
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#28 of 33 Old 10-13-2013, 04:42 PM
 
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The fact that you are trying means a lot to your child, whether she appreciates it or not. Sometimes heart to heart talks are good, and telling her how it affects you. But beyond a certain point I think sometimes it just takes time. Just try to have dates with your child, some stuff like card games or other things where it's fun and no pressure. 

 

I had one child who was extremely spirited, sometimes horribly disrespectful, and always tried to push the rules. It was like playing chess: I made a move and she made a countermove. I stopped having expectations sometimes, just because when I did, I was disappointed or stressed out. This child-- who I sometimes didn't even like-- but still loved with all my heart and soul, finally grew up. Her awareness of the feelings of others developed. I remember the first time I cried in front of her because she had hurt me so badly with her words, she was shocked, scared, and extremely apologetic.

 

I think when I reacted to strongly in a sad way-- which was a lot less confrontational or challenging or power-struggle friendly than getting angry-- a lightbulb went off in her brain. She hated seeing me sad and hurt and realized how powerful those emotions were. She's turned out to be a great kid, has great empathy towards others, and really makes my heart swell. I think the turning point was me showing her how hurtful her words and actions could be to the people she loved.

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#29 of 33 Old 10-14-2013, 08:22 AM
 
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Yes, my six year old son is going through this- he's not following simple instructions, becoming defiant, and speaking to us disrespectfully. I will admit that I am not handling it well by allowing him to see my frustration. I'm starting to deal with it by a) putting the ball into his court by making him feel the threat of real world consequences for some behaviors (nothing health or safety:) for a strong willed kid, it does work. b) starting him in an earning cycle for privileges - so I'm not spending so much time taking things away or threatening to take things away. If he focuses on polite, cooperative behavior, he will have earned treats like screen time. I hate the constant ultimatums that come out of my mouth and how controlling I'm becoming as he is showing less control, so I'm trying a more positive, practical approach.
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#30 of 33 Old 10-15-2013, 08:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingharder View Post
 

 

Try to remember she is only 6 or 7 by now, they are not adults or understand like adults they are children trying to find their way in the world and learn from everything they are shown. Best of luck.

In the early school years, you won't see dramatic changes in motor skills because this is a period of refinement, when coordination improves and fine motor skills are sharpened. But you will notice remarkable changes in social and thinking skills. Your child is now building on the base of skills developed during early childhood and moving toward greater independence, both intellectually and emotionally.

Here are some of the milestones you can expect of a 6-year-old:

Motor Development

  • may still be somewhat uncoordinated and gawky
  • able to learn to ride a bicycle
  • can move in time with music or a beat

Language & Thinking Development

  • moving toward abstract thinking
  • develops reasoning skills
  • shifts from learning through observation and experience to learning via language and logic
  • wants it all; has difficulty making choices

Social & Emotional Development

  • grows more independent, yet feels less secure
  • craves affection from parents and teachers
  • friendships are unstable; can be unkind to peers
  • needs to win and may change rules to suit herself
  • may be hurt by criticism, blame, or punishment
  • can be rigid, demanding, and unable to adapt
  • increasingly aware that others have may have different feelings

Tips for Parenting a 6-Year-Old

At 6, your child is curious, active, and becoming engrossed in school and new friendships.

  • Provide consistent structure at home to help your child adapt to the disciplined world of school.
  • Give lots of opportunity for physical activity to help develop skills.
  • Make a point of attending your child's school and sports events. It's important for her to show off her accomplishments.
  • Be patient with her selfishness; it will pass.
  • Be generous with praise.

Thanks, this post helped me. Since I've read it my attitude has changed toward dd. Many times, sometimes in one single day, dh has to intervene saying that I don't know how to handle her... blah,blah. Since the last couple of days I am the one correcting him. Dd is asking for me for whatever, like helping her put on her shoes etc. She has been telling him he's mean which we both tend to get. I know it's got a lot to do with my attitude in the first place but when I'm overwhelmed I just forget. I also try to simplify by not prioritizing other things over her. Simple things like if she needs a hair cut, normally, I'll get her to do her home work as soon as possible so we could go get the cut. And then of course if things dont' go as scheduled I'll get frustrated. Now, if I am losing my patience, I'll just postpone the hair cut and it's not a big deal.


Let me make sure that my thoughts, words and actions are beneficial to the scene in which I find myself ~ Unknown
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