Worst Playdate ever? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 06-22-2012, 06:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughter has a friend from preschool that visits us about twice a year for a few days. Every time its really hard. The little girl lies on my daughter and dominates the play by making up rules and changing how the play goes in order to control my daughter for example they were playing cat and owner yesterday and my daughter was the cat. She pretended to walk down the street and the other little girl the owner put her in a box, my daughter pretended to escape and was told no, the box is made of metal. All of the play is like this and today my daughter just starting crying. I asked why and she said the other little girl made a rule that she was not allowed in the tent. I have been listening to them play for the entire time. The little girl has gotten more and more controlling with age. I asked them both to tell me what happened and the little girl explained that my child was lying. I asked my daughter if she was lying she said no. I am not sure why my child would make this up and cry about it, she has never done anything like it, and has never lied. She has other playmates over all the time and this never happens. I am not sure what to do with this little girl, I want her to leave. She is still refusing to tell the truth, I told both of them someone is lying until the truth is told they will both sit in time out. I really hate that kind of play where all day for two days straight one person forces the other to do what they want when they want it. The little girl has covered up other things in the past and lied on my daughter until I forced them into time out until the truth was told. Even yesterday she tore apart an art project me and my child put together 6 months ago when my family was sleeping. When I woke and saw it, I asked who did it and she immediately said my daughter, my daughter was still asleep. I said to her do not lie to me, I know you did it. She looked angry, and I told her to clean it up. I was pissed off. Later that day she and my daughter painted there nails out on the porch, my daughter does this often and I trust her. I went outside and found my patio furniture covered in blue happy faces, of course the little girl had done it. I am thinking maybe she should leave and never ever come back. What would you do? She is 7 and going to second grade, my daughter is 6 going to first.

 

Michelle



"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. " - C.S Lewis

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#2 of 7 Old 06-22-2012, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I called her dad, I didn;t say it was all on her, I said that they were going at each other, blaming the other for things, and I told him how she kept putting it on my daughter. I can hear her on the phone right now, everything is yes sir, yes sir :(

 


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#3 of 7 Old 06-22-2012, 07:29 PM
 
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I'm confused why she's there for a few days, I think that is way too much for little kids unless there is a family emergency or something. I would invite her over for an hour or two, max, and play with them or have a project they do together on the kitchen table, or bake cookies or cake pops all together, then send her home. This could break the cycle of the controlling play for a bit, then gradually wean off. When you are playing with them just be blunt and ward off controlling actions if needed, "nope, cats can escape. Go! Chase her!"
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#4 of 7 Old 06-22-2012, 07:31 PM
 
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Re-reading, has she moved and that's why it's longer? I still wouldn't do the longer visits at this age, even if it means not seeing each other as much, if your daughter is overall not having fun. Does she want to see her? If so, limit timing a bit and structure structure structure, if not, then I'd just really slow down the visits or meet at neutral play spaces halfway.
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#5 of 7 Old 06-22-2012, 09:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Altair View Post

I'm confused why she's there for a few days, I think that is way too much for little kids unless there is a family emergency or something. I would invite her over for an hour or two, max, and play with them or have a project they do together on the kitchen table, or bake cookies or cake pops all together, then send her home. This could break the cycle of the controlling play for a bit, then gradually wean off. When you are playing with them just be blunt and ward off controlling actions if needed, "nope, cats can escape. Go! Chase her!"

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altair View Post

Re-reading, has she moved and that's why it's longer? I still wouldn't do the longer visits at this age, even if it means not seeing each other as much, if your daughter is overall not having fun. Does she want to see her? If so, limit timing a bit and structure structure structure, if not, then I'd just really slow down the visits or meet at neutral play spaces halfway.

@ Altair  We have not seen her in a year, they live an hour or so away. Your probably right about the long term thing, her dad is a single father with no contact with the mother, I keep her a few days or so to give him a break. But I am totally rethinking the whole thing for the future, she is still here, she and him had a pretty serious convo on the phone. I talked to him after and he explained to me that in the last 6 months or so she has become more cold and more cold. I told him she in my experience has been this way since I have known her. So I suggested getting her to speak with a therapist to see whats going on.

 

michelle



"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. " - C.S Lewis

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#6 of 7 Old 06-27-2012, 07:46 PM
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Wow, that sounds terrible. If the long playdates can't be reworked I would just make it my business to be close to their play all the time. If you notice controlling behavior, step in before it gets bad. Often once a child really knows that it won't be tolerated, she will learn to play nice. At least in my experience. Also, by 7 most kids CAN play nice. Some have learned that they can get away with being mean too. However, I don't think it means that they can't realize that it won't fly at your house. Amy

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#7 of 7 Old 08-11-2012, 08:29 AM
 
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I wouldn't put both girls in time out when one is lying. I also wouldn't ask her if she lied. I might say. " it is clear that this game isn't fun for both of you, let's find something you can do together".

Leaving them to play sounds problematic, so it might help to plan supervised activities, or outings for them, to break up the day. I would rely heavily on the statement. "in our home we xyz". Xyz = share, take turns, take care of belongings. They couldbake cookies, play with playdough, work puzzles side by side, make bracelets, or create collages. You should probably plan to stay in the room with them, work on your own project or read a book.

I would recommend Parenting with Love & Logic and How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, suggest them to her dad as well.
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