Someone said my 5 y/o daughter was "hitting on them" - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-08-2012, 08:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Last night we were at a friends party and they had a slip n slide out. We had no idea there was going to be water play so we didn't have our suits. (there were 4 kids there-
It was mostly an adult party) I let my kids go on it in their clothes and I had their PJs to
Change them into before we left for hOme so I wasn't worried about them getting wet. Well, my daughter (6 in sept) had a white shirt on and it obviously got really wet and see through. 3 or 4 people commented to me about her being in a "wet t-shirt contest" and basically said it was inappropriate I let her go on in a white shirt. That annoyed me enough But the one of our aquaintances said that she was "hitting on him". I was seriously speechless! I did ask why hewould think that and he bumbled around saying that she hugged him when she was wet and that she was giggling and "flirting"!!!!! Ugh. I'm just so pissed. I have a really friendly little girl, yes. But is this what the world Is going to think Of her for being friendly?
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Old 07-08-2012, 10:12 AM
 
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I am so, so sorry for you both!! greensad.gif
 

I can`t even imagine what I would do if anyone said that to me/my child. I think I would feel the urge to slap them. redface.gif

I have no advice, just a huge hug! hug2.gif


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Old 07-08-2012, 10:54 AM
 
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Wow.  I guess I'd find that kinda situation to require a 'What the F is wrong with you?  Do you hear what you're saying?'.  Or a lot of them.  Those are the kinda jokes you make with your college friends, other adults. . . not your friends kids.  I can't really decide if I think this sounds uptight, or clueless, or just out of touch somehow?  

 

IMO, totally appropriate kid behavior on the part of your kid.  Kids should get to play and enjoy themselves, and be happy, and get wet and messy without absurd restrictions.  I'm sorry for such a weird and awkward situation for you, OP.      

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Old 07-08-2012, 11:11 AM
 
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Honestly, I'd be really careful about my children around someone accusing them of "hitting on them". That's rationale child molesters use. If that thought even crossed someone's mind enough for them to speak it, that would be a major red flag for me. Keep your children away from that man for sure.

 

I agree, with you that there was nothing wrong with what your children did. They are innocent in this whole matter. It's the adult with the problems.

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Old 07-08-2012, 01:33 PM
 
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I think people are both thoughtless and also think it is becoming more normal for children to be viewed in this manner.... it is wrong and sad.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. It is sad when we can't let our kids be children... innocent and free.

 

Next time I think I'd say, "You know, I know you probably don't mean it that way, but that is really gross and please don't talk about my child that way" (about the wet T shirt) and to the "hitting on me", I'd say, "No, she isn't, she is a child who is friendly, lets just let her be that..."

 

We have 2 children via adoption, I've learned to deal with uneducated people by educating them or if that isn't working by being honest and straight forward. With the focus that if it hurts or harms you child you need to stop them... even if that isn't socially exceptable... ie tell them off and shut them up!

 

I often say, "You know, my child can hear what you are saying... and that could hurt/harm them... please stop."

Or I just walk away/leave.

 

Building a backbone as we speak!


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Old 07-08-2012, 01:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wish I had handled it with more force - I was taken aback and told him it was a weird thing to say and that I thought he was way off base. And then I stewed. And I'm still stewing! I totally agree that I don't want my kids around him. He's our neighbors best friend so we aren't great friends but he's definitely someone we see a lot. My husband thinks I'm Over reacting but my feeling is That it's really inappropriate to say something like that and it basically says that he thought about my 5 year old like she was a woman and a sexual being. And that is what I find discOncerting and inappropriate. It's really pissing me off that my husband thinks it was a misunderstanding.
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Old 07-08-2012, 03:41 PM
 
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Wow.  I guess I'd find that kinda situation to require a 'What the F is wrong with you?  Do you hear what you're saying?'.  Or a lot of them.  Those are the kinda jokes you make with your college friends, other adults. . . not your friends kids.  I can't really decide if I think this sounds uptight, or clueless, or just out of touch somehow?  

IMO, totally appropriate kid behavior on the part of your kid.  Kids should get to play and enjoy themselves, and be happy, and get wet and messy without absurd restrictions.  I'm sorry for such a weird and awkward situation for you, OP.      


I so agree... I would have given the guy a piece of my mind. hopmad.gif
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Old 07-08-2012, 03:59 PM
 
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I wish I had handled it with more force - I was taken aback and told him it was a weird thing to say and that I thought he was way off base. And then I stewed. And I'm still stewing! I totally agree that I don't want my kids around him. He's our neighbors best friend so we aren't great friends but he's definitely someone we see a lot. My husband thinks I'm Over reacting but my feeling is That it's really inappropriate to say something like that and it basically says that he thought about my 5 year old like she was a woman and a sexual being. And that is what I find discOncerting and inappropriate. It's really pissing me off that my husband thinks it was a misunderstanding.

 

 

You absolutely not over-reacting, I feel I would make an anonymous tip to have him checked out by police, that is a HUGE red flag for a child molester, honestly, contact police via the non-emergency line and ask for advice on what to do. he could have child porn on his computer, anyone who looks at a 5 yr old child in a sexual manner is seriously disturbed, it's really not a big deal she went in water in a white shirt, it happens, their children, I feel for you Mama, this is something terrible to have to go through  


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Old 07-08-2012, 04:05 PM
 
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nm.

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Old 07-08-2012, 05:35 PM
 
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You mentioned he's your neighbor's best friend. Do your children go to your neighbors house ever without you? If so I would definitely stop sending them to your neighbor's unsupervised. You never know if that creep is over there while your children are there. You are not overreacting. It is your job to protect your children. 1 in 4 girls are molested at some point in their childhood. Don't let one be yours. I don't mean to alarm you, but really, you should be concerned. I think canadianhippie had a good idea too about reporting this man. In fact, I'd check the child molester database to see if he's already on there. You now know he's creepy, but by reporting him you may prevent him from hurting some other child as well. 

 

Here's the link to reporting suspected child abuse by state:

 

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/reslist/rl_dsp.cfm?rs_id=5&rate_chno=W-00082

 

Or you could call the National Child Abuse Hotline if you'd like to talk to someone, or would like more information. Here's the link to their site: http://www.childhelp.org/pages/hotline-home

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Old 07-09-2012, 07:44 AM
 
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I think people are both thoughtless and also think it is becoming more normal for children to be viewed in this manner.... it is wrong and sad.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. It is sad when we can't let our kids be children... innocent and free.

 

Next time I think I'd say, "You know, I know you probably don't mean it that way, but that is really gross and please don't talk about my child that way" (about the wet T shirt) and to the "hitting on me", I'd say, "No, she isn't, she is a child who is friendly, lets just let her be that..."

 

We have 2 children via adoption, I've learned to deal with uneducated people by educating them or if that isn't working by being honest and straight forward. With the focus that if it hurts or harms you child you need to stop them... even if that isn't socially exceptable... ie tell them off and shut them up!

 

I often say, "You know, my child can hear what you are saying... and that could hurt/harm them... please stop."

Or I just walk away/leave.

 

Building a backbone as we speak!

 

my thoughts exactly!

 

It just sucks that now you feel uncomfortable with your DD visiting the neighbours house for fear of this guy maybe being there and doing something inappropiate. Like making crude jokes at your DD's expense. Some people can be completely thoughtless.

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Old 07-09-2012, 10:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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She won't be at the neighbors house anymore without me, that's For sure. I don't think this guy would harm her, but who knows. It's clear that he's looking at her as if shes a sexual woman. I think it's really shaken me and I feel like I'm naive and didn't realize that "normal" people might be predators.
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Old 07-09-2012, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband feels like reporting him is over the top. I'm still considering it.
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Old 07-09-2012, 11:42 AM
 
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Ugh! I say it's hard to tell if he is seeing her in a sexual way. I've had a mom ask her infant son if he was flirting with me when he was smiling at me. I cringe at the expression. Maybe her tickling him made him uncomfortable. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a predator. However, you couldn't pay me to let my child be alone with him. I'd be watching him very closely and avoiding him if possible.

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Old 07-09-2012, 01:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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IDK. I feel like the language of "hitting on" does assign a womanly and sexual connotation to her actions, and therefor her. "flirting" is weird and I don't like that either, but what he said does take it a step further.
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Old 07-09-2012, 05:23 PM
 
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I think reporting him is overkill. It sounds like he definitely has a defective brain-to-mouth filter but that doesn't make a person a pedophile. I would keep an eye on him but he could be a social klutz who wouldn't hurt anybody.

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Old 07-10-2012, 04:02 PM
 
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She won't be at the neighbors house anymore without me, that's For sure. I don't think this guy would harm her, but who knows. It's clear that he's looking at her as if shes a sexual woman. I think it's really shaken me and I feel like I'm naive and didn't realize that "normal" people might be predators.

Yeah,see, that would really bother me too. That's disturbing and disgusting that he would even think that. Ew, ew, ew. Definitely would not let my kids around that guy in the future. I don't know about reporting him though...I mean, WTF is CPS even going to do with that info? Good call on the PP who suggested checking the predator database though. There is just something not right with what that guy said.

 

And I'm a little concerned about those people at the party...wet T-shirt contest? For a six-year-old? Who even thinks that? Most of our parent friends are relaxed about their young kids playing/swimming naked or in their underwear (at home, obviously, lol), and I'm pretty sure none of us has ever thought such a thing. For us, little children are just not sex objects. Yikes.

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Old 07-10-2012, 04:22 PM
 
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I think reporting him is overkill. It sounds like he definitely has a defective brain-to-mouth filter but that doesn't make a person a pedophile. I would keep an eye on him but he could be a social klutz who wouldn't hurt anybody.


This was my thought, too. It just sounds like a bad joke to me especially in the context of a few people already joking about a wet tee-shirt party. You have every right to be offended and feel disgusted at his comment, though. I would be livid. Sexualizing young girls like that, even in jest, is flat out wrong. But I wouldn't jump to conclusions that he's planning on hurting your daughter, either.


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Old 07-10-2012, 04:24 PM
 
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Also this thread reminds me that a month or so ago we had a random gathering at our house, my kids took out the hose, and before you knew it all the kids were half naked frolicking in the water. Mixed genders, ages ranged 2-6. This struck no one as odd and all the parents were very happy to see our kids having so much fun.


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Old 07-10-2012, 08:30 PM
 
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Ugh! I say it's hard to tell if he is seeing her in a sexual way. I've had a mom ask her infant son if he was flirting with me when he was smiling at me. I cringe at the expression. Maybe her tickling him made him uncomfortable. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a predator. However, you couldn't pay me to let my child be alone with him. I'd be watching him very closely and avoiding him if possible.

 

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IDK. I feel like the language of "hitting on" does assign a womanly and sexual connotation to her actions, and therefor her. "flirting" is weird and I don't like that either, but what he said does take it a step further.

I'm pretty sure I've joked about babies "flirting" before.  It was completely harmless, of course.  But I do think "hitting on" is definitely adult language and weird.  If not creepy. 

 

I wouldn't report him, but I'd definitely do a check on him.  And never let my kids over there without me.

 

And, I'm pretty sure my SO would flip out if anyone said anything like that about one of our kids.


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Old 07-10-2012, 09:33 PM
 
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could he have been drunk or buzzed?

 

coz that is a really stupid remark to say openly. one could think that but to joke about that openly is plain stupid esp. in these days of megan's law.

 

yeah reporting the guy is overkill.

 

but definitely a talk with your friend and letting him know what poor taste that was, how upset you were - is definitely in order. 


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Old 07-18-2012, 09:37 AM
 
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could he have been drunk or buzzed?

 

coz that is a really stupid remark to say openly. one could think that but to joke about that openly is plain stupid esp. in these days of megan's law.

 

yeah reporting the guy is overkill.

 

but definitely a talk with your friend and letting him know what poor taste that was, how upset you were - is definitely in order. 


Even if he was intoxicated, intoxication is not an excuse for obectifying and sexualizing a girl. I'd actually be thankful for this situation because it's increased your Mama Bear awareness AND alerted you to the fact that this man is in your neighbor's life.

 

MeeMee, your point about "someone saying a stupid remark so openly"... that's EXACTLY why this is so alarming. The guy obviously has sick thoughts that flow so easily he doesn't even think to screen them before opening his mouth!

 

MissNoodle, as for you and your DH disagreeing about you calling in a concern: I have to say there are many times in my daughters' lives that I've done what I thought was best for them and me and DH were not in alignment. I don't like it when this happens, but in this instance, this does not at all effect your daughter. Your calling could lead to the prevention of future problems with this man: at minimum he may stop disgusting comments like this, or at most perhaps your call could lead to prevention of a future abuse. You have to trust your gut feeling on this. If you call on this guy, that's not going to effect your DH at all, but if you don't call, will it stay on your conscience? You are NOT saying he is an abuser, you are just concerned that someone could be so casual about a sexual comment about a young girl. Your job is not to investigate him, that's there's. If it were me, I'd use my own personal power and make the call ... and I'd tell my DH I made the call to demonstrate how much concern I have to advocate for child safety.

 

There are too many abusers at large in North Carolina AND the US.

 

I'm so terribly sorry for this situation for you and for your DD. She is blessed to have you as her Mama.


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