Do you think your children forgive you and forget? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 07-18-2012, 10:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I find the hardest thing about being a mom is not wanting to "teach" DD things that will make her have a difficult life. I mean things like confidence, trust in your intuition/feelings, trust, self-esteem, anger management etc. And I mean teaching them by accident meaning when you are angry or rushed etc.  I am hoping you know sort of what I mean.

 

I am concerned about everything I do and say (and DH...and anyone else actually). 

 

I know that I remembered things people said to me when I was young, even if it was only once. I also know that by a fairly young age I had ideas of how I was suppose to behave but those were mostly self-esteem destroying.

 

Can you tell me your thoughts on this?

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#2 of 7 Old 07-18-2012, 10:13 PM
 
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well i am going off my own experience.

 

i held a grudge against my mother for a LONG time - till i was well past adulthood. it was only after i had my dd did i realise i had made this whole story up in my head. my mom was NOT like that. she was trying her best under the circumstances.

 

i learnt a huge lesson from that. part of who we are perceived by our kids is partially due to our behaviour. partially it is also my dd's own ideas.

 

and that taught me a good lesson.

 

i dont worry about my mistakes. i dont worry about am i doing the right thing or not. what i look at is am i connected to my child. does she feel loved. does she feel so at home with me that she can kick me and throw a tantrum. THAT is my biggest badge. then i know she feels so at home she knows she can be her horrible self but mama will always love her. 

 

doesnt mean i take what she gives. i draw definite but rare boundaries and hold firm to them. and that guides her as to what is appropriate and what isnt. 

 

which is why at almost 10 most of the time she listens to me even though she doesnt agree or like what i say. 

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#3 of 7 Old 07-19-2012, 12:07 AM
 
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I know my kids forgive because they've done it a lot. Which means: I've screwed up enough to need to be forgiven.

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Originally Posted by kfillmore View Post

I find the hardest thing about being a mom is not wanting to "teach" DD things that will make her have a difficult life. I mean things like confidence, trust in your intuition/feelings, trust, self-esteem, anger management etc. And I mean teaching them by accident meaning when you are angry or rushed etc.  I am hoping you know sort of what I mean.

 

What if you turn this around -- what if you view these indeed as opportunities to teach, but opportunities to teach your child how an adult makes amends when they've screwed up. So, if you said something that you regret when you're angry, show your child how you apologize. If you didn't take the time you wanted to because you were rushed, connect with your child when you have more time and say you're sorry. If you're tired and cranky, model for your child how to stop and take care of yourself so you're not so cranky.

 

Here's what I think: Kids learn the most from the what happens most of the time. If you're mostly reasonable and compassionate, they can handle it if you fly off the handle once in a while. In fact, it might be good for them to see you do that. It teaches them that you too, have powerful emotions, and demonstrates how you calm down afterward. I've been known to go to my room and slam the door really really hard when I've lost it. Guess what my kids do when they're really angry? I don't see that as a bad thing.

 

It's also important to talk about emotions -- my kids and I do talk occasionally about getting angry/upset/cranky or whatever. I wish I could tell you how it comes up in conversation, but I can't. It just does. My kids have said things like "You're the best mom ever. Except when you yell." I acknowledge that I shouldn't yell so much. We talk about what we do when we get frustrated. We also share some good laughs about ridiculous things I've said when I'm mad.

 

At the same time, it's important that my kids experience some genuine emotion on my part. I'm not always chipper. I do get angry, sad, frustrated, cranky, the whole lot. If they never see me experience these emotions (and yes, sometimes react to them in ways that may be uncomfortable for them), then they get the idea that these emotions are so so scary they must be suppressed at all costs. That's not good for kids. You can't prevent your child from experiencing things that hurt. What you can do is to be there to listen to them, hold them and tell them you love them. Sometimes that's all you can do.

 

I strongly suspect there was more going on in your family life that led to your low self-esteem. A really good book that might help you is Dan Siegal's Parenting from the Inside Out. It talks specifically about the narratives we construct about our lives and how that affects parenting.  http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-From-Inside-Daniel-Siegel/dp/1585422959

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#4 of 7 Old 07-19-2012, 04:26 PM
 
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Yes, I think they do.  I know my mom messed up a lot(she could be abusive and was an alcoholic) but I forgave her and loved her and had a great relationship with her. 

 

All of us are humans and make mistakes.  I own up to my mistakes to my children and will apologize when it is necessary.  And I find that goes a long way!  We make mistakes but we need to own those mistakes!


Cassie, mom to Alex(7), Aidan(5), Andrew(4)

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#5 of 7 Old 07-20-2012, 08:54 AM
 
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i had a long talk with dd. yes she forgives, but doesnt mean she forgets. 

 

she remembers an occasion from almost 5 years ago, but she understood why i reacted the way i did so forgave.

 

the one thing she hates me to do is yell at her. ever. i sat with her and told her while i try not to i mess up sometimes. so its something i strive for but cant really do. i think i yell once every 3 or 4 months. she understands but still doesnt like it. 


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#6 of 7 Old 07-20-2012, 10:32 AM
 
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Our family tends to have a wide range of emotions including a quick temper and then letting go of things and so far my dd, and most of the people in our family, does tend to not worry about things said in anger. I talk a lot with her about feelings and we talk about different things each of us has said in anger but didn't mean, and about how we always love each other even when we lose our cool. We don't tend to get mean or abusive when angry and that might be Part of why she sees anger as any other valid emotion rather than as a bad thing to dwell on. It also isn't a big part of our lives though, I really try to model and talk about cooling off strategies and being self aware. I am getting better at spotting triggers quickly and changing things up so I can deal with the triggers and prevent stress reactions.

I think it is good to be aware of what you are saying but try not to dwell on the need to be aware because that can be a very stressful thing in itself.
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#7 of 7 Old 07-22-2012, 04:42 AM
 
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Yes, I think even babies forgive but not  forgets even at a young age.smile.gif


Living is great but being a MOM is even better

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