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#1 of 19 Old 09-12-2012, 11:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know if this fits here, but I couldn't find a better place.  I have raised my daughter with attachment parenting principles (babywearing, co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, and so on), and value my connection with her above anything else.  Her father and I essentially separated when she was about 1 1/2, but continued living under the same roof for financial reasons.  Now, at almost 6, she also has a step-father, from my new relationship.  She is happy with the arrangement, and loves being both at my home and her biological father's home.

 

I haven't been to work since she was born, and she has never been in daycare, nor really been left in anyone else's care for any length of time except for preschool (roughly 6 hours a week), and kindergarten last year.  She is very close with each of her parents, but she and I have a different bond, as we have spent almost all of our time together.  Kindergarten went fine, being only 2 1/2 hours a day.  She had a great teacher, and enjoyed herself a lot.  

 

Now that she has started grade one, she misses me tremendously, and desperately wants to be home-schooled.  Prior to her beginning kindergarten, I quite seriously considered home-schooling, but then, for a variety of reasons, opted for public school.  Surely she will get used to it as time goes on, but I'm not sure that she is ready for school right now.  When I drop her off, she cries, and then goes in, sometimes having me escort her to her classroom and get her settled in.  This morning, she told me that it's just day after day, being away from home, and desperately wanted me to take her back home.  It took me over an hour of being with her first in the class and then in the hallway before she agreed to stay.  And that was only after I told her that we could see how it goes until lunch, and that her teacher could call me if it really wasn't going well.  Prior to leaving, she was clinging desperately to me, and had I left earlier, I would have literally had to peel her off of me and tie her down to prevent her from following me out the door.  I don't want to do that to her, so I stayed with her until she could go into class on her own.  She was still crying, but did go in by herself.  I'm tortured, and have discussed homeschooling with her father, who is firmly against it. When I talk about valuing the family relationship time, and not being sure that it is a good thing for her to be away from home for 6 1/2 hours a day at this point, he looks at me like I'm crazy.  Her step father supports me in the idea of homeschooling, but without her father's agreement, it just isn't going to happen.  I am confident, in spite of her reaction at parting, that she has a secure attachment with me.  I think (and have also read at some point), that her reluctance to part is largely because she is not used to it since we have been together almost exclusively.  I'm concerned what walking away from a desperate, crying child is doing to our attachment, and to her, emotionally.  I'm concerned that she just isn't ready for school yet.  She says she loves school, and when I told her that if we kept her out for a year or more to homeschool, she may be unable to return to her same school again, she cried.  She loves school, she desperately misses me, and I'm afraid she feels betrayed when I have to leave her there crying.

 

I need some advice or thoughts or shared experiences, or something.  I need to connect with someone who also values their attachment to their children.  I don't know what to do.  The views of those who don't place any value on attachment just don't cut it in this situation, and unfortunately, that seems to be who I am surrounded by.  

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#2 of 19 Old 09-12-2012, 02:18 PM
 
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I don't know if this would be considered "enabling" but it's the first thing I thought of:

 

Is there anyway you could volunteer in that same school?  Not in her classroom, but a classroom under the same roof so she knows you're close?


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#3 of 19 Old 09-12-2012, 03:55 PM
 
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What are her Dad's reasons for not wanting to homeschool?  I would certainly respect his choices, but I'd want to know that he had a good reason first.  My ex and I could talk about things without it getting too ugly, so I tried to take his feelings into consideration, but often his reasoning was odd.  (like she shouldn't use children's toothpaste because she'll never learn to use adult toothpaste)

 

Anyway... so, let's just say she is going to school, and there is no way around this.  Even though, I can tell you are not as set on this idea as your ex is. (disclaimer: I think homeschool would be a great idea for you guys)

 

She needs to learn some independence.  Being attached and being dependent are not really the same thing.  It's not always the best thing that she's never been away from you...it's hard for her now because she might feel like you are her whole life, and even the promise of friends isn't making her feel better.     Does she have a best friend in class that she can walk in with?  For the shy kids, it's so much easier on them if they walk into class with a united front.  Even if you have to wait outside for her friend, then send them in together with a cheery "Have fun!".

 

Never hint that you will miss her.  Always start the day with a good attitude and a "I know you will have fun, I can't wait to see what's in your backpack today!" then walk away.  Don't spend an hour in the hallway with her.  You are just prolonging the pain for everyone.  The teacher is not feeling sorry for you...she's going home every day wishing you would just make the drop off quick.  Nobody looks forward to the day if they know you are going to linger in the classroom or the hallway, and send a student in an hour late for class.  

 

She's not learning, she's not having fun, she's not making friends the way things are right now.  If you can't find a way to make homeschool work for you, then you need to find a way to make school work for you.  But, you have to make it a happy experience for all of you.  You are the adult, she needs some guidance from the adults.  None of the other kids are miserable without their moms, so make this a great year for her too.  

 

Or, tell your ex that you need to try homeschool for at least a year and see how that goes.  Just ask him for one year.  

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#4 of 19 Old 09-13-2012, 09:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your honest replies.  I really appreciate it.

 

It is possible to volunteer in my daughter's school, though not in another class, and not right at the beginning of the school year as they want to give kids a chance to settle in first.  I did that last year once in a while, and it worked out well.

 

I have wondered whether I've unintentionally created too much dependence with my daughter.  We moved a few times in her first few years and I didn't really know anyone I could have left her with.  I wasn't, and still am not, comfortable with teenage babysitters, though I'm sure there is a lot less risk with an older child than a baby.  Besides that, I liked being with her and didn't really see any reason to not take her along wherever I went.  Now I'm looking back wondering if I should have just figured out someone to leave her with just so she gets used to it.

 

I do like the idea of homeschooling, not just because of my daughter's current struggles -- I also see many other benefits to it.  Her dad figures she needs to be socialized.  That's it.  In spite of evidence that suggests homeschooled kids can be just as well socialized as others, he doesn't even want to discuss it.  He thinks my reasons for wanting to are not good enough reasons.  If she was being bullied or something, or had a horrible school or teacher then he would be willing to look into it.  I feel we should come to an agreement about her schooling, as we have equal say in decisions like this, but then I wonder how equal it is if it defaults to his opinion.  Regardless, I wouldn't feel good taking her out of school unless we came to an agreement.  Besides that, I then wonder if it would be a good idea anyway, since she really does enjoy herself once she is there.  Her school and teachers are wonderful, and I've been very happy with them.  Also, I'm wondering if I would just be perpetuating a problem (dependence), if I keep her out of school.  On the other side, I think I might be able to offer her a more gentle move toward independence if she wasn't thrust into a situation that left her feeling traumatized.  I just have no easy answers.  No matter what I want, her dad isn't going to give on this one.

 

The classes get shuffled each year at my daughter's school, so there are only a few kids she knows in her class.  She is friends with a couple of them, and has walked in with one.  She kind of lost interest in doing that since she realized that she actually has to go to school every day, and the misery of that realization has overshadowed the desire to be with her friends.  She actually isn't the least bit shy.  She's a very outgoing and engaging kid, though she does tend to do better with younger or older kids, or adults rather than her own age group.

 

I realize I am probably a teachers' nightmare if I stay around.  If I was to walk away, she would have come screaming after me and clung to me -- well, actually, she did.  After I delivered her to her class, she ran out of the class after me, and then out of the building.  How do I walk away?  The only way I could have gotten her to stay would have been to tell her very firmly (with some anger) to stay where she is (which I don't want to do), and leave her feeling devastated and sobbing.  I really didn't know what else to do.  If I left, she was determined to come with me.  I tried to settle her in and not leave her until she felt okay about it, at least okay enough to stay in the room, even if she was crying.  That said, it's not like that every day.  Some days, she complains a bit, but then goes in without incident.

 

I have tried to make school very positive for her, talking about how much fun she will have and all the interesting things she will learn.  It just hasn't worked very well.  She is a very sensitive child, who feels very deeply, and I'm sure that is contributing to her magnified reaction.

 

Thanks again.  Any further thoughts would be appreciated too!

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#5 of 19 Old 09-13-2012, 10:15 AM
 
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Hugs, mama! This sounds like it's been traumatic for both of you! Have you talked with the teacher about this? Does she have any suggestions? Your daughter is not the first child to have separation anxiety and the teacher should be helping her feel comfortable and secure in the mornings. Is there an activity she especially likes that she can be distracted with? Can the teacher take your place by sitting near her and talking to her while you leave? I know the teacher has a lot of other kids to attend to but it's not okay for your daughter to be able to leave the classroom and building on her own after you leave. That's a safety issue if nothing else!

 

Do you talk about a "plan" for the morning before you get to school? Like "we're going to school soon this morning. How do you want to say bye to me when we get there? Mommy has to go do xyz and you have a lot of fun things to do in school today. Let's hug and I'll walk you in and help you find a seat and then I have to go. When I pick you up in the afternoon we can tell each other our favorite parts of the day and have a yummy snack at home!" When my daughter is part of the planning of the morning, she doesn't complain as much and I can remind her of what we decided on when she wants me to stay longer. This tactic has also helped me "wean" her from needing so much from me at drop off. At pre-k last year, we went from me having to go in with her, help her wash her hands, get her breakfast, sit with her for a minute, etc. etc. to finally being able to drop her off at the door with a hug and a kiss. But we talked about each change in advance so it went really smoothly. Does bringing a reminder of home help? For a while in preschool my daughter wore a locket with pictures of her family inside so she would always have us with her and could peek at our pictures if she missed us.

 

Another thought is that your daughter is likely picking up on your mixed feelings regarding leaving her at school. If she doesn't feel that you're committed 100% to having her there, then she's going to push against it too. Especially if she's heard you say anything about homeschooling. If school really is the only option right now, then you need to be clear and firm.

 

Lastly, is there anyone else who can drop her off at school? Her dad or stepdad or can she carpool with a classmate? I know that my daughter is really only clingy and complaining with me. My husband has always been able to drop her off at the door without any fuss and he's a super attached, involved dad. He's just a little more no-nonsense about drop offs and he has a job schedule to stick to where I'm a little more flexible in my job and she knows that. You might be able to bypass some of the morning drama if you're not the one doing it all the time. I suggest that mostly because you say that she likes going to school and has fun once she's there, there's just that drop-off hurdle to get over.


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#6 of 19 Old 09-13-2012, 10:31 AM
 
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Kids usually play after school at the school's playground. Is it possible for you to stay there after school and hope some of the kids of her class show up? Dd said she was going to miss me the week before K started and that she would cry after I leave or when I'm not around or something to that effect. Even though I was talking to her about the fun things she still was sure she was going to miss me a lot. I couldn't send her to school on the first day because of some personal work and she couldn't wait to go since she had missed a day. And the other thing that's helping is the time spent at the playground where other kids from the class are around.


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#7 of 19 Old 09-13-2012, 07:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by scruffy too View Post

I don't know if this would be considered "enabling" but it's the first thing I thought of:

 

Is there anyway you could volunteer in that same school?  Not in her classroom, but a classroom under the same roof so she knows you're close?

why not volunteer in her classroom??

i volunteered in my DD's kindergarten class for one hour each week, at the same time -- so it really helped the teacher, she could count on it. teachers need extra help!!

 

and then my DD got to look forward to seeing me on those times. i also got to know her teacher and her classmates -- and they got to know me. i got to see first hand what they do during class time, and i got to observe my daughter in class.

 

it was win-win-win-win.

 

AND to your point... it was a small something that made the transition easier for my daughter.

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#8 of 19 Old 09-13-2012, 10:44 PM
 
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"She says she loves school, and when I told her that if we kept her out for a year or more to homeschool, she may be unable to return to her same school again, she cried."

 

Why wouldn't she be able to return to the school after homeschooling?


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#9 of 19 Old 09-13-2012, 11:09 PM
 
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"She says she loves school, and when I told her that if we kept her out for a year or more to homeschool, she may be unable to return to her same school again, she cried."

 

Why wouldn't she be able to return to the school after homeschooling?

I'm not the OP, but when my daughter was in public school, it was so overcrowded that when we left, our "spot" at that school immediately went to someone on their substantial waiting list. If we re-enrolled, we would have to re-apply and because they only have to give us a spot in the same district, not necessarily close to our house, I think we'd end up in a less coveted school with lower scores and a fair distance from our home. I imagine this is the case in many other big cities too.


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#10 of 19 Old 09-14-2012, 05:16 AM
 
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i have similar history as you, just older kid. 

 

first - two things. 

 

can you sit and talk to her? be honest. tell her you really dont have any options. ask her if she can stay in school for a month and then see how she feels. 

 

for most kids the starting point is hard. k thru 2. they settle down after that. the first month is hard on almost all the kids - either they miss home or they are really tired from going back on schedule. so if your dd is not really a child who likes structure, this is her way of acclimatizing.

 

after you leave how does she do? i noticed with my dd and even now - that changing over time IS REALLY hard on her. the only difference between now and in first, is that she learnt better coping skills now. 

 

first find out how she does in school. does she carry on the crying after you leave. if not then its just the parting that's hard on her. if she is active and attentive in school playing with friends at lunch and break then she is all right. 

 

secondly as other mama's pointed out it seems like your dd is taking her emotional lead from you. if all is well with your world, then it is well with her world too. so stay upbeat. have a big smile when you greet her and ask her if she had too much fun. how was recess. adn then you tell her you missed her really for a bit but then you had <> to do and that to do so you got so busy that you didnt have time to think of anything else. just look at how much i did. isnt that crazy. my dd flew to camp all alone and then attended camp without knowing a soul. i knew dd was ready. she had a fantastic time. but the whole time i kept telling her - i know you are a wee bit scared, but guess what I KNOW you are going to have a great time. i am so excited for you. you are going to a city where i have never been before. you lucky dog... etc. 

 

see how she does. if seh is STILL having a hard time in the second month then rethink it again. 

 

but for now give her confidence. and you mama live out of the fear. you havent even got to true parenting yet, imho. this is life you are teaching her. the answer to attachment is NOT being physically closer. it is knowing when and how to emotionally support them, which sometimes might be throwing them to the crocodiles for them to learn - oh these are not crocodiles, they are cute beavers. 

 

mama do not fear. from now on it isnt being together that will create attachment. its more about power. how much do you allow her to contribute to the family through helping out, how much do you listen to her and let her do her thing. 

 

get her moving more. more park days. do afterschool play dates with classmates. do fun adventurous things. dd tolerates school so i make sure we do fun things (not ALL the time) after school together. that is what keeps her emotional health strong. all of K and first we'd head to the park after school with snacks and dd would play and come back and answer 2 questions on hw, then go play again and then come back....


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#11 of 19 Old 09-14-2012, 11:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everyone!

 

We likely couldn't return to her school because she is currently in a language immersion program which is within our district, but is not the school she would be assigned to if she was in an English program.  If she was homeschooled for a while, she wouldn't keep up on her language learning as well (I just don't have the skills to provide her with an education in another  language), and would therefore not be able to re-enter the program having skipped a year or more.  Everyone else would be fluent, and she would be floundering.  If she went back into an English program, she would go have to go to the school whose catchment area we actually fall into.  Those schools, as a tangent, are not schools we were happy with, so that is another factor to consider in this -- if she returned to school, not only would she be in a different school, she would also be in a poorer quality school.

 

My daughter and I have talked about all of this at length.  About her feelings, about the current likelihood of homeschooling (not probable), her struggles parting, how she has been able to cope when it has gone smoothly, strategies to help her.  We need to work more on the strategies though. 

 

At first, I did tell my daughter to see how it goes for the next month or so, and her father suggested that I shouldn't give her any hope that things will change unless I am seriously considering homeschooling.  I am, but since he is not, I guess he figures I shouldn't give her any hope.  I don't appreciate his viewpoint, but he's probably right in saying that I shouldn't give her false hope.  When we were talking about homeschooling, she's the one who brought it up, and prior to her father expressing his views on the issue, we entertained it as an option to consider.  We agreed to talk about it with him, and he gave a very strong veto.  It's something that I was considering before anyway, but I'm not sure she even knew that.

 

You're right, she probably does sense my mixed feelings -- she's very intuitive.  I'm sure that doesn't make things any easier for her, because my words are saying, "how exciting honey, I can't wait to hear about your day, see the art projects you've done . . ." and part of me is thinking, I wish I could homeschool you, and the very least, that this wasn't so hard for you.  It's hard to see her in so much pain, and I wish that I had some way of making this transition smoother for her.

 

No one else's work schedule will allow for the possibility of dropping her off at school.  Because she lives outside the technical catchment area of the school, her classmates are spread out around the city, so it's not really feasible for anyone else to pick her up in the morning.  It's going to be me.

 

I like the idea of talking about a plan.  We haven't done that, but I'll give it a try.

 

She does have fun in school.  When she's not feeling miserable about going, she admits that it's fun.  Her teacher says that although she periodically asks when it's time to go home, she does well during the day, and is adjusting well once she settles in.  She's doing her work well also.

 

Does she have any suggestions? Your daughter is not the first child to have separation anxiety and the teacher should be helping her feel comfortable and secure in the mornings. Is there an activity she especially likes that she can be distracted with? Can the teacher take your place by sitting near her and talking to her while you leave? I know the teacher has a lot of other kids to attend to but it's not okay for your daughter to be able to leave the classroom and building on her own after you leave. That's a safety issue if nothing else!

 

Interestingly, my daughter has gone off to her grandparents with her dad for 4 days or so at a time, and didn't miss me a bit.  She knew it wasn't longer though, and that she'd be back.  In kindergarten as well, it was only 2 1/2 hours, and she'd get in line, give me a hug and a kiss, wave goodbye, and off she went without a single problem.  Nothing has changed in her life to cause a different reaction.  It seems that its just because it's 6 1/2 hours, not 2 1/2, and she misses me.  I get that.  It's a long day for a five year old, which is one thing that makes me lean toward homeschooling in her early years.  Is it really necessary for small children to go into the equivalent of an almost full time work schedule, especially when they could be learning the academic part if it in an hour or two a day?  Anyways, that's besides the point.

 

It also doesn't help that she is pretty well half time and her dad's and half time with me, so she doesn't really get to relax anywhere and just stay put.  She needs to do that sometimes and craves that.  Her official residence is with me, but now that school has started, she really gets very little time at home, given that half of her evenings are there.  It's also a bit rushed on days she goes to her dads, giving little opportunity for those special things to do after school, though we do need to figure out some way to make it more possible.  His demanding work schedule, which, at this point, is what it is unless he changes careers (hardly feasible), doesn't allow for the possibility of her eating there.  That means a lot of shuttling back and forth.

 

Thanks for taking the time to share all your thoughts and advice, and for allowing me to just vent and process this.

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#12 of 19 Old 09-14-2012, 11:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oops.  The "does she have any suggestions part" re: the teacher, I copied from another post because I was going to respond to it.  I got distracted, left it there, and forgot to respond.

 

So, the teacher.  She suggested bribery (her words, not mine).  Effective perhaps, and while I truly appreciate her taking the time to think about this and try to help, it's not something I am comfortable with.  She also suggested walking in with a friend.  She did that on the first few days of school, when she was still excited about going. When she realized she had to go every day, and that she wasn't happy about it, the friend made no difference.  She couldn't care less.  The teacher has tried distraction with favorite activities, again, to no avail.  Same thing with making her a special helper with some task.  She really tries, and is very kind, but the reality is that she can't devote a lot of time to my daughter because she does have a whole class of kids waiting for her.  Yeah, it is a safety issue when I leave.  It's not like my daughter will stay in the hallway when I walk out.  She doesn't hesitate to follow me out.  Not for a second.  That's partly why I felt I couldn't go the other day, and ended up being with her for an hour.  The other part is that I want school to be pleasant for her, and I want her to go in feeling comfortable, at least reasonably so, not totally traumatized.  If somebody is restraining her as I walk out and she is wailing, I don't think that will make her want to return to school.  Until we figure this out in a way that will not leave my daughter completely traumatized, I think I will just remain a teacher's nightmare.

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#13 of 19 Old 09-14-2012, 11:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oops.  The "does she have any suggestions part" re: the teacher, I copied from another post because I was going to respond to it.  I got distracted, left it there, and forgot to respond.

 

So, the teacher.  She suggested bribery (her words, not mine).  Effective perhaps, and while I truly appreciate her taking the time to think about this and try to help, it's not something I am comfortable with.  She also suggested walking in with a friend.  She did that on the first few days of school, when she was still excited about going. When she realized she had to go every day, and that she wasn't happy about it, the friend made no difference.  She couldn't care less.  The teacher has tried distraction with favorite activities, again, to no avail.  Same thing with making her a special helper with some task.  She really tries, and is very kind, but the reality is that she can't devote a lot of time to my daughter because she does have a whole class of kids waiting for her.  Yeah, it is a safety issue when I leave.  It's not like my daughter will stay in the hallway when I walk out.  She doesn't hesitate to follow me out.  Not for a second.  That's partly why I felt I couldn't go the other day, and ended up being with her for an hour.  The other part is that I want school to be pleasant for her, and I want her to go in feeling comfortable, at least reasonably so, not totally traumatized.  If somebody is restraining her as I walk out and she is wailing, I don't think that will make her want to return to school.  Until we figure this out in a way that will not leave my daughter completely traumatized, I think I will just remain a teacher's nightmare.

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#14 of 19 Old 09-15-2012, 10:34 PM
 
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Hi there,

 

There's a popular series of books out there - your one year old, your two year old, etc. that tends to be pretty spot on about things. The advice they had for five year olds is that when your child acts like this when beginning K, especially if they are on the young side, then let them stay home another year Now, obviously, this is not K, but she is still five -  younger than most of her classmates.

 

If I were you, I would talk to the principal, NOT the teacher, about letting her repeat half day K at the same school. Where I'm from, this would be the principal's decision, and the farther along you are in the year, the more likely he is to accept this, because some families will have dropped out and he will have a harder time filling spots people later in the year.

 

Professional educators are wonderful and experienced, but when it comes to your child, no one is as experienced as you. My advice is to listen to what she is telling you. She is telling you what she needs. I predict that a year from now you will be amazed at how much more mature she seems. 

 

Barring that, I can tell you something that may really help as well. Come to school every day and eat lunch with her - either there or take her home. Some experts talk about scaffolding to help kids overcome challenges. If you come at lunch, it will break the challenge of a full day into more manageable pieces, and by spring she will likely feel much better about the whole thing.

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#15 of 19 Old 09-16-2012, 06:25 AM
 
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Something no one has mentioned yet - is not understanding the language completely a compounding factor here? We are doing language immersion with our kids as well. It can be tough at first in grade 1 even if they went through the program in K, simply because the kids who aren't fluent in the language (my DD's class is half Spanish speakers, half English speakers, which we are, and the immersion lang. is Spanish) may not understand everything going on and the academics get stepped up quickly. I don't know if your daughter is this way, but my DD1 and I both experience some stress and anxiety in new situations until we "get the lay of the land" and understand how things are going to be done, what the routine is, etc. It's harder if you don't understand every word being said. Maybe she is concerned, for example, that she won't be able to ask for the bathroom or won't be able to follow directions for homework? Can you find out the teacher's strategies for dealing with this? Our DD2 "didn't like math" and wasn't doing as well as she could in math in 1st grade simply because she didn't understand the vocab. The teacher would explain things to her in a couple of ways, she quickly caught on and things turned out fine. We also get homework supports in English, etc.

 

Just a thought!

 

PS I also did the shuttling back and forth as a kid of divorced parents, so I sympathize. All I can say is that you get used to it.


Mom "D" to DD1 "Z" (14) and DD2 "I" (11) DH "M"

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#16 of 19 Old 09-16-2012, 06:38 AM
 
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You're right, she probably does sense my mixed feelings -- she's very intuitive.  I'm sure that doesn't make things any easier for her, because my words are saying, "how exciting honey, I can't wait to hear about your day, see the art projects you've done . . ." and part of me is thinking, I wish I could homeschool you, and the very least, that this wasn't so hard for you.  It's hard to see her in so much pain, and I wish that I had some way of making this transition smoother for her.

the key to the solution is sharing your emotions. every one of them. let her feel that you and she ARE on the same page. i know that helped my dd HUGELY. 'i wish i could homeschool you and never have to send you to school again. it makes me so sad to send you to school. but hey how were your friends. what did X do today? what did you do in PE. how was ...' i was volunteering on a regular basis so i knew what was going on so i was able to ask her detailed questions. and helped her look around other things at school. it helped dd immensely to know i was on the same page as her, yet i helped her to also see the world around her and take an interest in it. 

 

It also doesn't help that she is pretty well half time and her dad's and half time with me, so she doesn't really get to relax anywhere and just stay put.  She needs to do that sometimes and craves that.  Her official residence is with me, but now that school has started, she really gets very little time at home, given that half of her evenings are there.  It's also a bit rushed on days she goes to her dads, giving little opportunity for those special things to do after school, though we do need to figure out some way to make it more possible.  His demanding work schedule, which, at this point, is what it is unless he changes careers (hardly feasible), doesn't allow for the possibility of her eating there.  That means a lot of shuttling back and forth.

the bolded part. is this really her feeling or your assumption? ex and i still do alternate days with most weekends with me. that works really really well for dd. much to the surprise of everyone. in our situation it was different. coz her dad was the homebody so when she came over to me, she was up for doing things. i get the feeling that her dad is not doing overnights? she goes over for a few hours and then comes home? 

 

one thing i knew with dd was she suffered when she didnt get enough time with her dad. does she get a weekend with him? 

 

dunno about the special things to do after school, but getting used to the structure in school took a lot out of dd. if she had extra energy we went to teh park. otherwise we just lollied around at home. i had to make sure she had no structured activity after school. 


 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
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#17 of 19 Old 09-17-2012, 08:04 AM
 
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OP, it sounds from your posts that this is not because you have created a dependency.  She is dealing with a divorce and moving between two houses and she is only 6yo.  Don't fret about this part being your fault.  

 

If HSing is not possible because of her father's insistence, don't let her think it's on the table.  

 

Don't reflect her anxiety back to her.  Hear her and be the rock she needs to stand on.  Show that you *trust* her to be equal to this challenge.


"Let me see you stripped down to the bone. Let me hear you speaking just for me."
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#18 of 19 Old 09-18-2012, 10:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the further suggestions.smile.gif  I'll have to give some of these things a try.

 

I never thought about the language at school being a compounding factor . . . it might be.  It has been such a slow and gentle immersion that I figured it wouldn't cause much stress.  Last year, they spoke mostly English, though this year it is being reduced already.  I'll have to check into that.

 

Re: being shuttled back and forth and not being able to relax anywhere, my daughter has said to me that she just wants to stay home and play for a while.  She's on the go a lot.  She loves being at her dad's, just as she does at my home, but the time is limited for both.  She does have a couple of overnights each week with her dad, but not during the week.  During weekdays, it's just an evening visit.

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#19 of 19 Old 11-27-2012, 04:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by cattmom View Post

 

There's a popular series of books out there - your one year old, your two year old, etc. that tends to be pretty spot on about things. 

Louise Bates Aimes. 


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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