My DD 8, friend next door 10, older brother, 13. Allow DD to sleep over or not? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 03-01-2013, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Title pretty much sums it up. DD has stayed over a few times but I am growing less comfortable with it.

I do allow DD to stay at other friends' houses so I guess I don't know what to tell her about why she can't stay next door.

Edited to add: I am sorry this was too brief! I typed this out on my phone. I should have waited. Anyway, I guess I was wondering in general how people feel about sleepovers when there is an age difference that starts to get into "tween" v. pre-teen and teen. Secondly, how people deal with older siblings. I am thinking of general things like shows or movies that get chosen and that sort of thing.

Now having said that, in this particular case, my daughter's friend is ok when they are playing together, but when the brother is around, the sister and brother tend to gang up on my DD. During the daytime, the boy plays with his friends, but when they are at home for the night, he wants to play with the girls. I had some rather bad experiences when I was a pre-teen myself and I admit this has an affect on my thought process.

Finally, I don't think there is the same level of concern in their house about supervision. The kids' live with their grandmother, the mom works a lot and is out a lot. The kids are very used to being on their own.

I am just sort of sussing this out and stay open-minded but I think in the long run I am not going to be comfortable with DD having overnights with kids 2 and 4.5 years older than her. I am not placing a value judgment on this family at all, just stating things for clarification. I just am not sure it is a good fit for DD.

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#2 of 11 Old 03-01-2013, 12:53 PM
 
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I guess it would depend on if there is a specific reason that you are uncomfortable having your DD around the brother or if it is just the fact he is a boy and is 13. 


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#3 of 11 Old 03-01-2013, 01:13 PM
 
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Title pretty much sums it up. DD has stayed over a few times but I am growing less comfortable with it.

 

Why are you uncomfortable with it?

 

I have a daughter and a son who is 4 years older than her. They are still young, but I would be very, very sad if parents would refuse to let their daughters over because of my son.

 

Does the boy have a crush on your dd? (Or the other way around?) Are they left without supervision? Are the parents unreliable or neglectful?


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#4 of 11 Old 03-01-2013, 01:22 PM
 
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The best thing you can do is educated your DD about how to protect herself and work on making sure she has a strong self esteem.

There are 13 year olds everywhere. Unless he has done something inappropriate I wouldn't automatically assume he is a predator.

If your daughter knows to listen to her gut, to speak out when she feels she should and feels good about herself, she will have what she needs to go anywhere. I'm not saying she doesn't, I'm just saying if she has those things I wouldn't worry. There will be many many situations in her life where there will be other people around but most of them will be good people and if they aren't she will have all the armor she needs.

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#5 of 11 Old 03-01-2013, 01:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just updated my original post.  Sorry about that!


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#6 of 11 Old 03-01-2013, 01:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The best thing you can do is educated your DD about how to protect herself and work on making sure she has a strong self esteem.

There are 13 year olds everywhere. Unless he has done something inappropriate I wouldn't automatically assume he is a predator.

If your daughter knows to listen to her gut, to speak out when she feels she should and feels good about herself, she will have what she needs to go anywhere. I'm not saying she doesn't, I'm just saying if she has those things I wouldn't worry. There will be many many situations in her life where there will be other people around but most of them will be good people and if they aren't she will have all the armor she needs.

I totally agree with all of this and that is my philosophy.  

 

I am just unsure of my DD's self-esteem right now.  And I am not happy with some of the manipulative behaviors on the other kids' parts and why she is kind of letting them treat her badly.   


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#7 of 11 Old 03-01-2013, 01:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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 Are they left without supervision? Are the parents unreliable or neglectful?

 

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#8 of 11 Old 03-01-2013, 01:56 PM
 
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Yes and sometimes.  greensad.gif
 

Well there is your answer. It's not really about the boy so you don't have to tell her that. It's really about the parents not supervising as much. I don't know if you should tell her that either but at least it might make it easier to tell her she can't spend the night. If you can tell her and be sure she won't repeat it to her friend's parents (which some people wouldn't care about but it would horrify me, especially since you have to live next to them!) then by all means use that as the reason. It's a good reason.
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#9 of 11 Old 03-01-2013, 02:31 PM
 
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No, I wouldn't go through with it.  It's just a sleep over. 

 

My son is 13 1/2 y.o.  Yes, it definitely makes me sad that people wouldn't trust him, for the simple reason that he's a boy.  It was a shock the first time I encountered something like that. "Huh?  You're worried about what about my son?  You've got to be kidding, he's harmless! He's my sweet boy!" 

 

It's also heartbreaking and infuriating that my daughter has to learn that the world is regularly horrible to girls.  Girls' safety trumps parents feeling bad about society's perception of boys.


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#10 of 11 Old 03-02-2013, 06:52 AM
 
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Well there is your answer. It's not really about the boy so you don't have to tell her that. It's really about the parents not supervising as much. I don't know if you should tell her that either but at least it might make it easier to tell her she can't spend the night. If you can tell her and be sure she won't repeat it to her friend's parents (which some people wouldn't care about but it would horrify me, especially since you have to live next to them!) then by all means use that as the reason. It's a good reason.


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You could host the sleepovers at your place instead.


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#11 of 11 Old 03-02-2013, 07:17 AM
 
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I say follow your instinct. It no longer feels right, and that's okay. Don't allow it anymore, especially since they kinda gang up on your DD when they're together. You can host the sleepover.

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