Two of my kids hate each other.. advice needed - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 4 Old 04-29-2013, 08:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 4 Old 04-29-2013, 09:08 AM
 
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A couple things cross my mind. Miss 4 needs to be engaged - sounds like she is a smart and sassy girl. Do you have some games/play/work that she can own? Her things, she is responsible for them and they make her mind a body work? Sweeping the porch, sorting laundry, carrying groceries, etc.

 

Miss 6 is more of an introvert? Maybe she needs a private place she can escape to when Miss 4 is too much for her? Is there a place in your house that could be a safe place for her to go and be away from noise and process?

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#3 of 4 Old 04-29-2013, 09:19 AM
 
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I'm curious about the exact ages. There's a theory I read that the number of years between children effects the relationship. Two years is ok, four is great, but three is a nightmare. It comes from the Chinese zodiac, I believe.

I don't have any advice for how to help them get along. I don't think there's anything you can really do. My experience with my siblings is that the mom sets the tone. My mom always sided with my siblings, and that fueled the fires. So other than checking periodically to make sure you are not accidentally choosing sides in their disputes, I don't have any suggestions.

As for their relationship when they are older, if they get along, great! But don't worry if they don't. Just insist that they treat each other with basic respect. Other than that, let then avoid each other, if that's what makes them happy.
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#4 of 4 Old 05-01-2013, 01:33 PM
 
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I find a huge hurdle in parenting, is in working at teaching everyone (mainly the kids, but myself too as parent) the better ways to express your own frustration with someone else.  I think that finding a way to allow them both to say 'I don't want to do that with you/I want to be away from you' that you and they can accept would probably help the most.  Trying to get everyone to do things together, even when they don't want to, isn't always ideal and will just escalate conflicts and resentment.  It sounds like your Miss 4 & 6 may neither naturally have an easy time to 'just do things they don't want to with people they don't want to' in the first place, just due to their own personalities.

 

I think the above suggestions for private spaces and working with them about appropriate things to do and ways of minimizing each other's grating actions/behavior for each other would be the best things to focus on.  Like, if Miss 6 doesn't want to answer her sister's questions - she needs to at least be up front with that for her sister, and say that she's not going to answer questions right now, and then she doesn't have to.  If Miss 4 has her own *need* for asking someone questions, perhaps someone could write the questions down for later.  Or she could find a way to pretend and answer her own questions herself, in play.  And she needs to respect that her sister can say no - and can be allowed the right to say no to her sister too.  

It can be fair and good to have one of them disappointed (though probably unpleasant, for mom or others).  That's perfectly okay to be having them teach each other - they can say no and disappoint each other, and get the focus on how there are just boundaries on doing it in respectful ways and a need to respect each others boundaries and being as kind as you can in the moment.    

I don't think the conflict is bound to continue through life - eventually they'll develop more interests and probably get along better than they do now (that 4-6 time can be particularly trying, I find eyesroll.gif, anyway).  Good luck mom.       

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