what do you do when you are so angry ? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 06-14-2013, 01:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am sure I have posted this before. What do you do when you feel the urge to hit??? Sometimes I feel so angry at DD. I know it happens when I am at a certain place not her. And I need to be more aware of my feeling before I get to that point. BUT what do you do when you are at that point? It is so horrible a feeling to feel like I just want this release. Or like I just want her to stop or do I want her to know how upset I am? I never can quite pinpoint why I have the urge to be so rough. It is awful. My DD is so very kind and loving. It does not help at all that DH is an angry man and that permeates all our life. 

 

thanks!!

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#2 of 22 Old 06-14-2013, 05:06 AM
 
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I typically get sad before I get angry but I'm currently pregnant which is messing me up emotionally BIG time. I completely agree that when I'm at the end of my rope, it's about me, not DD (who's 2 and generally an easy kiddo) and the only thing that works for me is space. I tried walking away but she just follows so that evolved into me putting on a show for her and letting her watch some TV while I go in the other room and cry/breathe/collect myself. It's not ideal but it's damage control and keeps me from doing things I'd regret later. I hope you get lots more input; I just wanted to say I hear you and am struggling with similar things right now hug.gif
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#3 of 22 Old 06-14-2013, 07:33 AM
 
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I tell dd I am getting really frustrated with hee behavior, shake my hands, grr in frustration, lock myself in the bathroom (we have a no blood no bothering rule there), put on a show, send her on an errand, or/and bring her to a park or the y so she will naturally go play elsewhere while I veg on the bench and read.
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#4 of 22 Old 06-14-2013, 07:42 AM
 
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Sigh. For me it's the urge to yell and spew mean words, but I am there, too. My DD automatically asks for a show when I get like that, since I use that method, too. If I ask for alone time, she refuses to give it to me. And since my anger trigger is my DD's constant talking, I really need that space. Sometimes it helps for me to take a talking break, but it can backfire by driving DD nuts. Like I said - sigh.
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#5 of 22 Old 06-14-2013, 08:05 AM
 
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Hi - First, I give myself a time-out and leave the room, somewhere, anywhere else, like the basement or bathroom. Then I take long deep breaths to try to calm down, to get my adrenaline back down. If my hubby is here, I take a walk outside. Sometimes for that release, I can go to the bedroom and hit the pillows - I would not want my child to see this though as I am sure that would be very frightening for her. I come from family of yellers and I am trying to cut back on yelling, but if not lucky regarding that, I would let out a general bellow ARGHHHH and no specific words. I use a lot of essential oils and head straight for my calming oils. When we are this angry it is a very real physical / hormonal reaction going on inside of us and our own bodies need to come back into balance. good luck and I so appreciate reading your efforts in not hitting.

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#6 of 22 Old 06-17-2013, 10:35 AM
 
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Television for the kids. Tea, a snack, and protein for me. I don't like a lot of screen time, but no one can convince me that television is worse than hitting my kids.


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#7 of 22 Old 06-17-2013, 12:30 PM
 
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Television for the kids. Tea, a snack, and protein for me. I don't like a lot of screen time, but no one can convince me that television is worse than hitting my kids.
I agree 100%. That's exactly how I look at it
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#8 of 22 Old 06-17-2013, 12:40 PM
 
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I needed this today- someone to bring awareness to my moment of fury that just happened today. My final answer was quietly, but not so sweetly, telling my son that I was so mad I wanted to hit. I said my mad brain wants my body to hit you, but I don't want to hurt you. Please go sit on the couch while i calm down. This was after DS spent all of nap time being intentionally disruptive and disrespectful. Clearly it was less than ideal, but he finally got the idea that I needed some space to cool off. Nothing else was working, and I am having awful PMS, so I needed to stop that spiral. Now all is fine. Whew.

Who knows, maybe hearing that was exactly what he needed to find his own nonviolent resolution. Acknowledging that urge and recognizing it before striking out is a pretty big thing to master.
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#9 of 22 Old 06-17-2013, 05:56 PM
 
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I do my best to put myself in her shoes so that i can understand. The more i empathize, the less reactive i feel. I also am more of a verbal person than physical, so i end up feeling better simply by communicating with her. I know not everyone is like that but it often works for me.
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#10 of 22 Old 06-17-2013, 06:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you all so much! 

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#11 of 22 Old 06-18-2013, 06:26 PM
 
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When I'm getting ready to lose it, I kick the kids out. We have a nice, fenced in back yard, which they are supposed to be in for the most part when the sun is up anyways. We don't do a lot of inside time. I grew up outside in my happiest homes, and I prefer they grow up outside, too. They may whine about it at times (well, my oldest does), but overall, they're happier after a day outside than a day in. So for the most part, they shouldn't be in the house driving me nuts in the first place (though they still do often and with gusto), and when we're outside, they're typically too busy to really bug me (emphasis on "typically"). If they're driving me nuts inside, I send them outside. If they're driving me nuts outside, I go inside and do the dishes or something. If they're driving me crazy because they're fighting, I send them outside with separate instructions. If I give the 2 year old a bucket and tell him to gather leaves for the compost pile, while telling the 8 year old she may pull weeds or go swing, they're both going to be busy and happy, and most importantly, on separate ends of the yard with a lot of distance between them. Put us in an apartment and we would be screwed. lol

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#12 of 22 Old 06-18-2013, 07:01 PM
 
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When I've had this urge, and I have (though thankfully not recently), I turn on the TV and put myself in my room to cool off for a bit.
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#13 of 22 Old 06-24-2013, 06:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mama Amie View Post

I needed this today- someone to bring awareness to my moment of fury that just happened today. My final answer was quietly, but not so sweetly, telling my son that I was so mad I wanted to hit.

I've used this in the past. Sometimes saying 'I'm so angry I feel like I want to hit you!' is enough to pull me up and make me realise that, of course, I don't want to hit him! I tell him that part too. It's also a clear indicator to him that I'm not managing very well anymore. I've noticed recently that my son has difficulty working out how people are feeling, so I think articulating it very clearly makes it easier for him too.

 

Recently I haven't felt the need to do that so much and I'm more likely to say, 'I really need some space because I'm very angry!' Sometimes I steer him out of the room and shut the door, so that the physical boundary is very clear. He usually goes to play on the computer or watch a film and I go and read for a bit and after a while we both feel much calmer. Thank fully we're having a lot less of these moments lately, but we had a lot at other points in his life.

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#14 of 22 Old 06-24-2013, 11:39 AM
 
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When my kiddos were little I was terrified of the level of my anger. I didn't know where it came from. There were two things that helped me stop yelling and kept me from hitting. The first is a hard one for most people, but I swear it lessened my mood swings, anger, and helped me sleep better - I gave up caffeine. I know, I know, but it made all the difference in my world. 

 

The other thing I did was start running. It happened quite by accident. My husband came home one evening and I thrust my screaming baby at him and turned on the TV for my three year old and I literally ran out of the house. I had to get away from them. It was a primal urge. I knew if I didn't I'd do something I'd regret. I started walking, but could still hear my daughter so I began to run, just to get away from the sound, but soon I was sprinting away. I slowed down eventually and told myself I'd run until I couldn't anymore and then I'd decide if I was going back. Well, I ran a mile and did finally walk home. Now I run almost every morning. It tempers my mood, it gives me me time (no one ever follows me, even now that my oldest is 16), and it makes me feel better about me.

 

My daughter inherited my temper, and we've had our battles, but they always go better on my running days. now that she is in middle school, she went out for track team the last two years. There is peace in our house during track season. She is mellow and agreeable so I know running helps her too. (of course I can't tell her this - yet)

 

Hang in there. This is a season in your life. It gets better in some ways, but there will always be challenges and before you know it - it's over. Promise.

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#15 of 22 Old 06-24-2013, 03:26 PM
 
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I agree with removing myself. I'll lock myself in the bedroom.

 

I think most parents *feel* various levels of "losing it" with their kids. How it comes out is different in everyone too as are the triggers. Mine are hormonal and not enough protein throughout the day. But I think everyone will have times that their kids make them literally see "RED". And it only makes sense that one has this total opposite reaction from love. 

 

Find your triggers, try and avoid them and then put a "plan" in place and let everyone know. When mom gets like this she needs ______ and ______. No Discussion.


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#16 of 22 Old 07-05-2013, 09:56 AM
 
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I am 100% a yeller. I hate that I yell, but sometimes I just don't know what else there is to do! I feel like most of the time I have to yell so my kids can hear me because they are being so loud. My 4 y/o DD talks NONSTOP and that drives everyone in my house a little crazy to the point I just have to tell her to be quiet.

 

I do make it a point though to apologize when I feel I have flown off the handle. I want to teach my kids that we all make mistakes (including mom and dad) and that when we do, we own up to them and make it right. It usually includes affection, telling them what I did wrong, what led up to it, and that I am sorry. I also like to point out what they were doing that contributed and how it could have gone down differently.

 

As far as preventing... I usually give a warning. Something like "I don't want to get mad or be mean, but I feel it coming on so please stop what you're doing." Both my girls are pretty good at giving me space when I get to that point.

 

Most importantly know you for sure are not alone in this!

 

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#17 of 22 Old 07-05-2013, 10:29 AM
 
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I start yelling, then I feel bad and start crying. I hate it. It totally freaks my DS out and he feels so bad. I always apologize because it's always about me. One time I said, "YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!" And he said back, "YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY TOO!!" Boy did that put it in perspective!!

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#18 of 22 Old 07-05-2013, 05:18 PM
 
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What do you do when you feel the urge to hit???

Personally, I eat. And then cry. But I don't think that is the answer you are looking for!

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#19 of 22 Old 07-07-2013, 07:50 AM
 
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Go for a walk. Everyone goes if dh isn't home. Just walking and moving tends to help. If that won't happen, then I put a movie on for the kids in one of their rooms (yes, we're "those" parents. lol They're tiny TVs for friday night movie night) and watch something in the living room. Cookie dough is obligatory.

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#20 of 22 Old 07-07-2013, 12:12 PM
 
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Kitty witty, I like how you have a backup plan in place, in case walking wont happen. I have, foolishly, had huge struggles hoping to get kids out for a walk/stroller ride/bike ride. It's so frustrating when they clearly need an energy outlet but insist on destroying our home and screaming like dolphin emergencies. Makes. Me. Batty!
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#21 of 22 Old 07-08-2013, 12:04 PM
 
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Maybe this will sound sanctimonious, but it's intended to provide perspective.  I never have the urge to hit, and I really have never raised my voice at my six year old.  That anger just is not within me.  I credit my parents - who never hit or yelled either.  I know my mom had the anger inside of her as a result of her childhood, but she was able to break the cycle of hitting and yelling.  Maybe it will help to consider that if you can grit your teeth and remain calm in the heat of the moment, your children will have a better chance of being naturally calm when they become parents.


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#22 of 22 Old 07-08-2013, 05:12 PM
 
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Maybe this will sound sanctimonious, but it's intended to provide perspective.  I never have the urge to hit, and I really have never raised my voice at my six year old.  That anger just is not within me.  I credit my parents - who never hit or yelled either.  I know my mom had the anger inside of her as a result of her childhood, but she was able to break the cycle of hitting and yelling.  Maybe it will help to consider that if you can grit your teeth and remain calm in the heat of the moment, your children will have a better chance of being naturally calm when they become parents.

Unfortunately that doesn't always work. Dh was raised by the most indulgent parents. Yet, he's the one with the anger problem here. I think part is personality. Surely that can be partially inherited, but just being raised without screaming doesn't mean that's how you will be.

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