bully at 4? i think not - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 08-10-2013, 09:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i need some advice/help

 

i became friends with a girl in a group that we were both in. we both had four year olds and she had a baby as well. i thought everything was cool, and we had playdates until her son said my daughter would hit her. she does not do that often and is not the type to play rough. it got to the point where she and another mom pretty much got nasty and in my face bc my daughter hit her son. i was so mortified and mad. bella didnt touch anyone else. when i sat her down and calmly talked to her about it she said that the boy had squealed in her face. this mom says her son never lies and doesnt hit yet hes lied to me about my daughter hitting him and isnt very socialized with kids his age. bella has been in daycare and will be going back as soon as possible seeing how im a working mom. i havent really talked to this other mom nor have i went to any play dates involving her. i know its petty of me but i wish i could say something to her about how her and the other mom (whom i had just met that night btw) didnt really need to treat me like that. my daughter plays just fine around many other children and even though the mom may say her son never lies....maybe these times she hit him she was provoked as well. if not 4 year olds have a hard time dealing with emotions and do hit. i really dont think my daughter is a bully.what do you think?

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#2 of 5 Old 08-10-2013, 10:10 AM
 
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1. All children lie sometimes, or are at the very least capable of lying. Any parent who says their child never lies is suspect in my eyes. We have to be open to seeing when our children aren't behaving as we'd like or we aren't going to be dealing with those behaviors.

2. She might have hit him - screaming can make kids act out - but that doesn't make her a bully. You should still work with her on finding other ways to deal with her frustration or annoyance other than hitting. Hitting isn't OK even if someone screams, though I understand her anger and annoyance.
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#3 of 5 Old 08-10-2013, 10:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yea after the fact im now seeing how the mother is pretty odd. ive worked with her to try to show her how to express herself without hitting. thats what i thought, she might have been acting out but not being violent. just makes me feel a little ostracized and im glad that other moms dont see her that way. thank you :)

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#4 of 5 Old 08-10-2013, 01:48 PM
 
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Well, of course, I know nothing about your daughter or the other child, so I can't comment on the specific situation.  I have been to some play dates where other children were bullying either my son or another child. That doesn't necessarily mean the children are bullies, but they were bullying at that time.  I wouldn't get in the face of another mother, but if she sees what is happening and doesn't work to stop it, I won't subject my son to that, either. When the behavior wasn't actually physical but just not sharing toys or telling my son he couldn't come out and play in the back yard with the others, I worked to find things my son could play with, and then later I talked with him about it.  we agreed that it wasn't fun to constantly have toys grabbed out of your hands, and we decided that when the playdate was at our house we would put away some special toys that would be hard to share and be prepared to share the others.  In another situation I have seen one little girl repeatedly hitting or in other ways hurting other children (grabbing a necklace one kid was wearing and pulling until he screamed).  The mother of the girl and the host of the playdate didn't do much, and in fact kept saying how she didn't mean anything by it and he was really just scared, not hurt.  The boy's mother was quite certain that he was hurt, and having seen what happened, I thought it probably hurt.  I made a mental note not to go to playdates with that mom and daughter in future.  So, all of this is to say that I do think 4 year olds can be bullies, or at least can exbit bully type behavior.  I don't know that your daughter did, though, or even if she hit him. I have also been at the children's museum and had other children scream right in my son's face, and he ran back to me in horror.  But he was younger then. A 4 year old might well respond by hitting, out of frustration or fear.  If I were in your situation I would either just avoid future play dates with them or I would make sure I was present to supervise what is actually happening. 

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#5 of 5 Old 08-12-2013, 06:57 AM
 
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If your four year old hits someone, you apologize.  You don't make excuses and blame the victim.  Whatever he did, if he didn't hit or push her first, there's no excuse.  Four is too old for hitting. 

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