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Old 08-27-2013, 07:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Today I received a phone call from the family down the street.  To sum it up the mother feels our families aren't good fits for each other.  We're too liberal in our beliefs for them, and the older children don't like my son.

 

I felt like I was back in middle school and I cried for a while.  I thought we were actually really good friends, so this was a big shock for me.

 

I don't know how to explain this to my son.  He's 5 and asks nearly every other day to play at their house.  He's also very sensitive and feels rejection rather harshly.  I will tell him the truth, I just don't know the softest way to go about it.  Any advice will be much appreciated.


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Old 08-27-2013, 08:36 PM
 
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Something similar happened to us once. I didn't really explain anything to my son because I just couldn't figure out how to have it make sense to him. I just went about our business without getting together with the other family anymore. AFter a bit, he stopped asking, as there were other friends around. It's hard and feels like a slap in the face. I have a hard time understanding how folks can be so righteous about their beliefs that they'd hurt someone else over them. 


 
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Old 08-27-2013, 08:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your kind words.  I'm still pretty sad about the whole thing, I really like her.


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Old 08-28-2013, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm going to bump this to see if I can get some more ideas.


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Old 08-28-2013, 02:30 PM
 
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Our neighbor whose son was in the same class as dd told us that dd talks to much to her son in class. I know she's had problems with other neighbors and had a huge fight one time where she was swearing and cussing loudly in front of kids. I just didn't know if it was the truth or not and chose to believe dd who to till this day denies it. It ended up in us not talking. But I did tell dd the truth about her accusation. And I don't regret not talking because it could have been a matter of time before she verbally attacked me. Your neighbor seems as selfish as mine. Her loss not yours. When people tell you that their kids don't like your child that's bloody inconsiderate. Anyways, dd was way ahead in class. Her teacher called her a star. So, I truly belive it was not our loss. You'll realize in time it was for the best. It's just that it does hurt when such a thing happens.


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Old 08-28-2013, 04:08 PM
 
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Today I received a phone call from the family down the street.  To sum it up the mother feels our families aren't good fits for each other.  We're too liberal in our beliefs for them, and the older children don't like my son.

Who are these people that feel its okay to be so cruel? I think you dodged a bullet with these folks. I just can't imagine calling someone up and saying something like this. It is incredibly hurtful and self righteous. YUCK.

This may not be the best advice, but depending on your son's age I might tell him that this particular mother has a problem with my beliefs and therefore doesn't want to be associated with our family. I would leave the part about his kids not liking him out of it. I just think kids have plenty of time to learn how bad the world sucks sometimes. I think there are times when it's okay to protect them from it.

I'm sorry you are hurting. <3

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Old 08-28-2013, 04:59 PM
 
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you know something. as harsh as it sounds - its so good to be upfront and know the boundaries. 

 

i have had to wear the boot so many times and i did not know how to do it like that other mom did. i wish i had her guts and set things straight in a kind and gentle way.

 

are you sad because your son has no one else to play with in the neighborhood?

 

no i would not tell him all either.

 

can you imagine how hard it is to do that to your own child without the parents saying anything. dd could not realise how inappropriate teh other kids were being. she heroworshipped the other child. 

 

what i did was get uber busy - if that is an option for you seeing you have another little one. be out of the house and plan other things - so that dd broke the habit of going over to play. 


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Old 08-28-2013, 09:36 PM
 
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At age 5, I would just keep him busy. When he asks to see neighbor kids, that 's when you start acting excited and throwing around big ideas, "let's make play-doh, or bake, or go to the park, etc..." We've been on the receiving end of that before, last week even. My neighbor also doesn't approve of my household and her DD and my DD1 are now only allowed to see each other in their driveway under the mom's supervision. eyesroll.gif It's their loss because we are an awesome family and DD1 is an amazing kid. Honestly it is for the better, life is too short to be around people who truly don't want you around. In our particular case, neighbor child is the one losing out because DD1 has plenty of our friends and isn't going to be bothered to deal with a limited friendship but neighbor child now is the walking by our house staring longingly inside. 


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Old 08-28-2013, 11:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the advice.

 

I wasn't going to tell him that the other children didn't like him, but I feel like it's dishonest to not tell him that we're not welcome there anymore.

 

We have other friends to play with, and school is starting soon, so that should help keep him mind off it.  I'm sure it's not something I have to tell him right away, so I can play it by ear.

 

I'm sorry this is really rambling, it's late and I'm quite tired.


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Old 08-29-2013, 12:03 PM
 
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I totally wouldn't tell him.  I would just say they're busy and hard to arrange something with.  No need to pass that lady's cruelty on to your five year old.  And try to let it go yourself - those people sound like jerks.  When I've wanted to break off a friendship, I've never felt the need to tell the person I don't like them!  It's totally possible to just let the friendship die out without being cruel.


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Old 08-29-2013, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Naw, I'd rather know upfront.  And she didn't say she didn't like me, I think it's more to the fact that there's the feeling of somehow "protecting their family" from our liberal views.


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Old 08-29-2013, 11:28 PM
 
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Naw, I'd rather know upfront.  And she didn't say she didn't like me, I think it's more to the fact that there's the feeling of somehow "protecting their family" from our liberal views.

Ugh. Well I don't blame her because everyone knows liberals are contagious. (Being sarcastic!)

I guess if you can't be around anyone from the "other side" then maybe you're not that confident in your own side. Her loss!!

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Old 08-29-2013, 11:58 PM
 
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Wow, I really do think she was rude to do that, although I can see that you might rather know than wonder. I definitely wouldn't talk to him about it, either. It's rejection, and for reasons he most likely can't understand. And it's hurtful, no matter how old you are. I'm sorry she did that greensad.gif

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Old 08-30-2013, 09:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Jenny, sound advice.


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Old 09-03-2013, 03:41 AM
 
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I completely agree with this! There is no need to be *that* honest. What the other mum did, was very weird, tactless, and cruel. In my opinion friendship obliges you not to hurt the other person, even if you are wanting to get a distance to them.

 

Originally Posted by mnj77 View Post
 

I totally wouldn't tell him.  I would just say they're busy and hard to arrange something with.  No need to pass that lady's cruelty on to your five year old.  And try to let it go yourself - those people sound like jerks.  When I've wanted to break off a friendship, I've never felt the need to tell the person I don't like them!  It's totally possible to just let the friendship die out without being cruel.

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Old 09-03-2013, 01:19 PM
 
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We has a situation little like that and I just told my DD I didn't think the friendship was a good match for us and changed the subject. I talked about some of the feelings that led me to stop a friendship and tied it into what we wanted from a good friendship when I ended a three year friendship with a close friend and her child. It wasn't a big deal at all either time.

I would never tell my dd someone doesn't like her, that's just mean. There are tactful ways to say the friendship is over without squashing a child's self worth. The world can be a cruel place but that is something you learn about gradually as you age not when you are five and a friendship doesn't work out. Friendships at this age are so fluid anyways so I wouldn't make an issue of it.
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm going to quote myself since I think it's getting lost:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazurii View Post
 

 

I wasn't going to tell him that the other children didn't like him, but I feel like it's dishonest to not tell him that we're not welcome there anymore.


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Old 09-05-2013, 01:01 PM
 
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If anything, I would feel sorry for this woman. I mean she is basically admitting to you that she cannot tolerate associating with anyone whose viewpoints differ from her own. Wow, I mean what a boring and potentially lonely exsistence she will have and what a disservice she is doing for her child who will learn intolarance from her. Very sad, but she is doing you a favor. But I am sorry you feel hurt, that is never fun. :Hug


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Old 09-05-2013, 01:05 PM
 
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wow, can't believe this. I would be really hurt too. You have lots of good advice here, just wanted to extend some :Hug

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Old 09-06-2013, 02:07 PM
 
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 Im a parent who chooses/or allows them to choose,  my childs friends on the basis on their personal chemistry-does my child get on with the other child? Are they having fun? Do they like each other? On that basis alone, i  try to facilitate playdates etc.

There are parents out there that use other criteria.. i dont know what they are, one is always left to speculate, usually there is prejudice of one form or other involved. Im left to speculate that such people put their own prejudices before the best interests of their children as well.

 

Im sorry you had to endure this from one such a parent :-(

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Old 09-06-2013, 02:54 PM
 
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If anything, I would feel sorry for this woman. I mean she is basically admitting to you that she cannot tolerate associating with anyone whose viewpoints differ from her own. Wow, I mean what a boring and potentially lonely exsistence she will have and what a disservice she is doing for her child who will learn intolarance from her. Very sad, but she is doing you a favor. But I am sorry you feel hurt, that is never fun. :Hug

i have been on both sides of the fence and so i feel i need to stand in defense for this mom to express her side of the story since she cant do it. 

 

i am not denying the pain to the other party - even i would find it painful. sometimes unfortunately the truth IS painful. 

 

the point is two contrasts. they happen. whether it is conservative or liberal views, attachment or mainstream parenting - whatever.

 

just dissing this mom just coz she spoke up is doing the same thing. being intolerant. 

 

when your kids are young its really hard to have two opposite contrasts actually mingle together. once they get a little older then those things become easier to handle and its not so difficult to hang out tog. 

 

for instance i am pretty liberal and talk to strangers. dd's friend doesnt. and they have reason to. her bro was almost kidnapped. so the dd is freaked out of strangers. and the fact that i was talking to a man and so was dd at the bus stop really freaked the 8 year old out. i noticed after that incident she wasnt allowed to come to our house coz we'd take public transportation and talk to strangers. because we didnt live next to each other the mom didnt have to say anything. 

 

there is a child in our neighborhood who loved hanging out at our place. that was fine with me till i realized what she was doing to my dd - then 8. she was 13. the girl was bossy and dd didnt get to do anything to play. she would bully dd around other kids in the neighborhood. before things got worse she even had sleepovers at my place and most evenings she was having dinner with us anyways. i was ok with that. but as she started bullying my dd (mom not present, mom when home watch tv - no connection in the family, girl left to fend for herself for social stuff on her own, plus i think she had some special needs issues and she never hung out with older kids or her classmates) and finally dd spoke to teh girl. dd tried to be kind, girl would not get it. dd finally had to be truthful and upfront. yes hurtful words. dd achieved her result. she would run across the girl on teh street, but the girl no longer lived in our house as she did before. 

 

i know for many parents i am too liberal. i let dd scooter by herself on our culdesac without supervision. it was a huge problem when dd was a toddler. she minded well so she could do things on her own (like go to the counter and get napkins on her own) that other parents would never allow their children to do. so dd would go to do something and the other child wanted to do it too and her mom would not like it. sadly some of our friendships have broken up due to this. kinda. when dd and N were 2 dd was a screamer and N became VERY sensitive to sound. mom and i were good friends. we decided playdates not a good idea anymore. we tried at 3 and tables turned. now dd was way too sensitive to sound and her son became a screamer. we have one last playdate at 4 where things were perfect, but then they moved cross country. life never allowed us mom's to hang out together as we had no extended family to watch our kids. this whole situation could have become very unpleasant for us if we both werent already friends. 

 

so i can see living in the same neighborhood and having a child that you dont want in your life can cause a problem. esp. during summer vacation. esp. when the child loves your family. and if the age group is wide perhaps that is a problem there too. and i can see a right wing family not wanting to hang out with an obama family. of course i dont know what the details are. 

 

but i think its quite ok for some families to want to get along with the whole world, and some choosing not to do so. just coz they are not the way i wanna be doesnt mean they are horrible. i have seen people change. families change. perhaps in another 5 years the situation might be quite different. one just never knows. 

 

esp. if this mom had older kids. but whatever the reason - the dynamics are very tough when you live in the same neighborhood. 


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Old 09-06-2013, 06:54 PM
 
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This topic raises so many issues that resonate enormously with me, though luckily for me I haven't been in the OP's exact situation. One of the hardest things I've found about being a parent - and one of the things I was least prepared to deal with before having DD - is clashes of values with other parents.

 

The examples that meemee gives above of her daughter being allowed to get away with things that other children aren't, could totally apply to my daughter too (though in our case it's more likely to be sliding down the bannister and climbing on the roof of our old car!). We had a friend living with us for four years whose son (who was with him part time) was kept on a much tighter leash. It made for some enormous tension at times even though we all basically liked each other.

 

Lazurri, it seems to me that apart from your poor 5-year-old losing friends, a big issue is the fact that you're having to go through a grieving process for your own friendship with the mom too. It might be helpful to tease out in your own mind what you like so much about the mom. You said that you thought you were really good friends until the phone call. Yet what she said about your child - in particular the part about her older children not liking him - sounded rather abrupt. I wonder if there could be some misunderstanding? 

 

Since you like her I suppose you could try giving her the benefit of the doubt, assume that she was speaking hastily and clumsily as people often do when feeling uncomfortable, and see if she'd be willing to meet up and talk it over.

 

Just a thought. It depends of course on how much you value the friendships - between the adults and between the kids -  and whether you think they're worth trying to salvage.

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Old 09-06-2013, 08:12 PM
 
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:Hug


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Old 09-28-2013, 02:43 PM
 
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This may not be the best advice, but depending on your son's age I might tell him that this particular mother has a problem with my beliefs and therefore doesn't want to be associated with our family. I would leave the part about his kids not liking him out of it. I just think kids have plenty of time to learn how bad the world sucks sometimes. I think there are times when it's okay to protect them from it.

I'm sorry you are hurting. <3

 I think this is great advice! It is a great way to reinforce the values in your family and be proud of them. And the whole talk of "sometimes people just don't get along" is a good lesson, too.


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Old 09-29-2013, 11:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Update:  I talked to the kids about this.  I told them basically what Dalia said.  Much sadness and tears.  But they're doing okay, we've been hugging and snuggling a lot.  Thanks for all the advice.


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Old 09-29-2013, 11:32 PM
 
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I'm sorry. That had to have been hard. But I'm glad you're past it and everyone is moving forward. <3

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Old 09-29-2013, 11:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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:hug


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